Topic ID: 27750
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HelpSOS
Novice


Age: 17 Joined: 04 Feb 2008 Posts: 14 Reviews: 6
316 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:08 pm Post subject: Searching |
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Sorry some of it is backwards. sorry it's not the best, it messed up.
Along
The ground it
Slithers keeping down low. Watching t
It’s head alert to which it goes. W h
closer. a e
i m
r gnirepsihw ssarg eht rof gni t
o p ekans eht gnikam dnoura yrruks eci
s e
i i
n r
g ce the air mice laughing without care. Wh
their song with the wind whisping to a i n l
gnikool ylbisivni sedih ekans eht elihw orf d e
f f gnitiaw gnitaolg meht sehctaw ekans eht
o o
r r
t a
h snack. The mice run, knowing the awaiting danger fro
e right time. It floats through the grass, almost swi m
m t m h
i e
n h g u
s ti drib eht sedils dna srehtils ti taehw eht hguorht m
i ekil dnuora gnipmuj drib a rof gnikool nuf rof gnitnuh na
n a
g c
s razy little chick, or maybe a chicken. It slithers on .
a song of the hour. Making the snake come closer and |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 2903 Reviews: 887 Country: USA 492 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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HelpSOS,
This is gimmicky garbage. Throw it away now and actually try writing poetry that doesn't require tricks to sustain itself.
Best,
Brad |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Sureal
(i are RITER!!!) Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 2878 Reviews: 444 Country: England 524 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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You said it messed up? Best fix it, cos right now I have no idea what you've tried to do/say.  |
_________________ The Broken.
-- Chapter One
-- Chapter Two
Last edited by Sureal on Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:01 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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kokobeans
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 99 Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Posts: 186 Reviews: 104
300 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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From glancing at this I'd say there's little poetry in it, with or without the translation.
I'll admit I really enjoyed working it out though, that was a lot of fun. Kudos.
Next time imagine your audiance as a childish bunch. They need to be shown something they like, before they're willing to concentrate on it. |
_________________ Second Follow-up Notice from the Department of Procrastination Prevention:
Three words: bowl of chips. One sentence, one chip. |
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GryphonFledgling
How you've turned my world, you precious thing... Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 487 Reviews: 346 Country: in the slithy tove... 1079 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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I'll admit I am seriously confused. If it is messed up, rather than post it, I would recommend that you go back and fix it. As is, I have no idea what the idea behind this is at all.
Sorry, but this isn't exactly postable material. Please fix it.
~GryphonFledgling |
_________________ Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love... ~me |
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SimonCowellLuver
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 220 Reviews: 111 Country: It is somewhere i can relax and enjoy my life. 261 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:18 pm Post subject: |
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What do you call this but i am going to be straight oiut with you this sucks. But I am sorry you have words in there that makes no sense and the whole thing doesn't make sense. I don't ;like it at all.
Have a good day. SimonCowellLuver |
_________________ Originally Gothgirl01
HELP STOP ANIMAL ABUSE!!!
I also Love Gordan Ramsey too. |
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blacktiger3915
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 440 Reviews: 207 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 883 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Terrible. I made my head hart. Please fix this or take it off the web cause I don't want anybody to read this anymore until it's fixed. Sorry I was harsh, but it needed to be said. |
_________________ Husband: Honey, if I don't come back, tell my mom I love her.
Wife: Your mother has been dead for years.
Husband: Well, I guess I'll tell her myself then. |
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BigBadBear
I live for pick-up lines Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 1033 Reviews: 448 Country: In the deep, and vacant place in my mind 1319 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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Hey.
Don't let everyone tell you it sucks, because you said that it was a concrete poem. Go back and edit this. Delete the entire thing and re-copy and paste it all. Then highlight the poem and click 'pre'.
It'll be all better. It will stay in the correct format and make sense.
-Jared |
_________________ Check out Sumi H, Inkblot and I's new musical production, "Your Coat of Arms."
Song 1 - Your True Name |
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Flemzo
Now With 50% More Flem!! Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 31 Dec 2006 Posts: 343 Reviews: 125 Country: United States 275 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: Re: Searching |
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| HelpSOS wrote: |
Along The ground it Slithers keeping down low. Watching t It’s head alert to which it goes. W h closer. a e i m r gnirepsihw ssarg eht rof gni t o p ekans eht gnikam dnoura yrruks eci s e i i n r g ce the air mice laughing without care. Wh their song with the wind whisping to a i n l gnikool ylbisivni sedih ekans eht elihw orf d e f f gnitiaw gnitaolg meht sehctaw ekans eht o o r r t a h snack. The mice run, knowing the awaiting danger fro e right time. It floats through the grass, almost swi m m t m h i e n h g u s ti drib eht sedils dna srehtils ti taehw eht hguorht m i ekil dnuora gnipmuj drib a rof gnikool nuf rof gnitnuh na n a g c s razy little chick, or maybe a chicken. It slithers on . a song of the hour. Making the snake come closer and |
Nice attempt at emblematic poetry, but I think in a different format, this would be fantastic. As it stands, it's really hard to read, and nobody wants to read backwards text.
enigamI
ot si siht drah woh ees uoy oD .eceip ruoy rof euqitirc ym erew siht fi
.ylgu nialp tsuj dna tnerehocni :sdaer meop eht fo tsom woh si sihT ?daer
Emblematic poetry is great, when it's done right. This is not done right. If you were to send this to a publisher, you would probably get it sent back to you with a handwritten note that says "No Thank You". It's probably something in your formatting, and this probably looks really good in a different font, but right now, it's rough, and could definitely use some work.
Don't give up on this style of poetry, though! Just try easier pictures to work with. I have an emblematic poem floating around here in the shape of a camera, and that took a lot of work. For now, put this stuff aside, and trying something easier, like a sonnet, or free verse. Then work your way back to this.
Again, nice attempt, but probably not the best venue for it.
kf |
_________________ "How strange life is. How fragile. You never know what stunning development lies around the next corner."
-- From The Corner Of His Eye, by Dean Koontz |
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Kepe
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 159 Reviews: 69 Country: USA 609 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| I see what you are doing. reminds me of the poem grasshopper. However, personally that kind of poetry is not my style. Try adding in some content along with the rest. |
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Nightfall
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 05 Feb 2008 Posts: 31 Reviews: 24
300 Points
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Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: SNAKE! *mushroom mushroom* |
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I LIKED IT!
I also saw it when it was..... normal. ^-^ I also sat next to you at the time, so I don't know why I'm telling you this now.... <3
~Nightfall |
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Alice
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 28 Jan 2007 Posts: 4683 Reviews: 249 Country: Away from my heart, head and emotions 537 Points
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casey_kent
...is TAKEN by Cal-wuvies♥♥♥ Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 07 Feb 2008 Posts: 498 Reviews: 120 Country: land of mangoes and coconuts; where cherries are rare 1877 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:36 am Post subject: |
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Oh. I totally understand why your poem is like this.
People, this is a concrete poem. Look it up if you don't know what I mean.
But HelpSOS, I can't quite understand it. Maybe it needs some fixing? Then people will like it if you fix it up now. |
_________________ "Jesus we're living for your name, we'll never be ashamed of you. Woah-oh-oh! Our praise and all we are today, take, take, take it all. Take, take, take it all!"
--chorus of the song 'Take it all' by Hillsong United |
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