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by Griffinkeeper in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on March 30, 2008
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An Unfinished Poem

A Slightly More Finished Poem
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 7:05 pm    Post subject: A Slightly More Finished Poem Reply with quote

Can’t You See?



I look at you,

You turn your head,

You tie your shoe

As if I’m dead-

If but you knew.

Why I look, 

I can’t explain-

The glance I took, 

Without a brain-

An open book.

Can’t you feel,

Can’t you see

You’re everything to me?



You’re honest and true,

You’re funny and smart-

You’re an angel’s bright hue

And a genius at art-

I’m too plain for you.

Your eyes are my sun

Your voice, my light

Your laughter’s my fun

Your guidance my sight-

You’re the one.

Why can’t you hold me near?

Why can’t you love me dear?



You’re in my dreams,

Wrapped in my arms-

I’m buried deep 

Beneath your charms

While counting sheep.

Even when I write

My love as day

Fades in to night,

I know you’ll never feel the way

That I have felt tonight. 

Can’t you see, can’t you feel

A cut from you will never heal?



Can’t you see me

And you-together

Sitting by the sea?

A blue sky-fair weather

Wouldn’t we be free? 

But it can’t be this way

For as the days go,

I know you won’t stay.

And I’ll cry

As you walk away.

Why can’t you see?

Why can’t you see?
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Joined: 29 Mar 2008
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooo, I really, truly, genuinely liked this.
It had perfect rythm.
The only thing I see wrong with thise (though I'm not completely sure) is:

"Even when I write
My love as day
Fades in to night,
I know you’ll never feel the way
That I have felt tonight."

Shouldn't that be into, instead of two different words?
I'm no grammatical genius, so someone tell me!

Beseides that, I felt that there was absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Good job.
=]

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there

This is quite cool, I like the way it progresses from stanza to stanza.

I would recommend you try splitting the long stanzas into shorter ones, they look a bit cluttered. The rhyming scheme in the third is a little off compared to the others.

'Can’t you feel, / Can’t you see / You’re everything to me?' - I love your use of the word 'everything' here, it has a powerful effect.

Nice work. Keep writing Smile

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If every One would Stop and Listen, Break the Cycle, Find your Rhythm, Use the Gift that You've been Given - Love
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This thread was created on March 30, 2008

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