Topic ID: 27914
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 873
Reviews: 129
Country: The Lovely Hills of BubbleYum!
470 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: Black |
 |
|
Soooo...... I know I've been posting a lot this week but I guess I've just been feeling inspired....
Raven hair;
thick and coarse
rough to the touch.
Onyx eyes;
soft yet hardened
life has caressed you.
Ebony ink
stained your skin,
dark against chalky flesh.
Polished rings,
through lip and brow
pierced to show your anguish.
Shadowed reflection,
elegantly sublime
you are beautiful to me. |
_________________
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
MidnightVampire
Lauren did it!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
415 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 10:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This was an ok piece, had nice imagery. The ending was a little off, and seemed to through the poem in a different direction. Change the ending to something that might fit in a little better and I think this poem will be better. |
_________________
I'll sleep in December
Icon from: http://community.livejournal.com/nano_icons/57768.html#cutid1 |
|
| Back to top |
|
last mohican
Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Apr 2006
Posts: 59
Reviews: 27
Country: The Land of Make-Believe
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Your poem had good imagery and flow. The darker mood you created was practically tangible. I really liked it. ~LM |
_________________
"...I have conclusively determined that you are not Hamlet, Scout Finch, Frankenstine's monster, Ms. Marple, or a golum. Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golum?"~Dustin Hoffman |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kenpachi Masamune
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 140
Reviews: 74
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
This poem did bring up memories, but the most disturbing aspects are how you captured this feeling of loss and disgust that comes with writing on yourself, piercings and the whole 'droopy' appearance of that mindset. Sounds like the description of angel of hell.
Not exactly a fan of the whole look and the description of the hair made for a good look on how this girl looks. The whole 'beautiful to me' part says more about you then one would realize. It shows the search for inner beauty and compassion, but almost for the wrong reasons as she craves it from her appearance. Its a cry for attention and the end sounds like you've been captivated by it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 873
Reviews: 129
Country: The Lovely Hills of BubbleYum!
470 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Kenpachi Masamune wrote: |
This poem did bring up memories, but the most disturbing aspects are how you captured this feeling of loss and disgust that comes with writing on yourself, piercings and the whole 'droopy' appearance of that mindset. Sounds like the description of angel of hell.
Not exactly a fan of the whole look and the description of the hair made for a good look on how this girl looks. The whole 'beautiful to me' part says more about you then one would realize. It shows the search for inner beauty and compassion, but almost for the wrong reasons as she craves it from her appearance. Its a cry for attention and the end sounds like you've been captivated by it. |
Thank you so much, because that is exactly the feeling I was going for in this poem. I am really glad someone saw that emotion I was trying to bring out, it really means a lot. |
_________________
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe |
|
| Back to top |
|
JabberHut
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1048
Reviews: 466
Country: Candyland
945 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Very good, Easy.  Your imagery was very impressive, if I do say so myself. Here's just a few observations, both compliments and suggestion.
| Quote: |
Raven hair;
thick and coarse--
rough to the touch. |
Nice assonance here. 
| Quote: |
Ebony ink
stained your skin,
dark against chalky flesh. |
Lovely! Very nice word choice here! 
| Quote: |
Polished rings,
through lip and brow, [?]
pierced to show your anguish. |
I was thinking putting a comma after brow, but it really depends how one reads it. If pierced is the past tense verb for the rings, then no comma. However, if the entire third line is aside information, then a comma. If that made any sense... >.>
| Quote: |
Shadowed reflection, [no comma?]
elegantly sublime-- |
Again, is the shadowed reflection elegantly sublime? Or is elegantly sublime speaking about the girl in the poem? If it's talking about the girl, then a comma is needed, but I think no comma would work best.
That's all I got. Sorry I couldn't pick out anymore. ^^; If I helped any, that's better than nothing. Otherwise, I'm terribly sorry, but this is an excellent poem!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
|
| Back to top |
|
myfreindsavamp
run away!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 2321
Reviews: 111
Country: In a vampire's world
102 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Go overeasy!!*claps*
I liked the way you described in it. I thought the end was sweet but I do have to agree whensomeones right it did throw it off a little...
-em |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic39483.html <*Yay?*
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. ~me
Don't join the dark side! Their cookies went bad. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7088
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1160 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I like how elegant this is, but I think some parts are strange. For example, the grammar doesn't always make sense, so it feels weird. For example: "Onyx eyes; soft yet hardened life has caressed you." The punctuation is bizarre. You have to remember, you can't put punctuation anywhere, it has to make sense. ^_~ It affects a lot of how your poem is received--the use, or lack of, too.
I think your word choice could be a bit more exact too. Your descriptions are good, but try to make them stronger with more vivid imagery. Sight, sound, taste, touch, smell; take use of the amazing human senses! And do not forget, metaphors are incredebly powerful.
Something also to think about: What is your poem about? Is it to someone? What message are you sending? How do you want your reader to feel when they have finished reading? The poem is mostly a description. If you could take this description and make it something more, secretly a statement, give it life, then it would be all the better. It doesn't need to be done. Think about the questions above, and see what you come up with.
Best of luck! |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
