Topic ID: 27934
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Audy
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 Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: Beyond the Locker Door |
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Locker door creakily opens revealing
memories tacked to the side of the door.
Photograph of old, discarded and peeling
face not so fervent and friendly anymore.
Suddenly, the air gets thick, remembering
summer days past, of youth before...
Love gone corrupt, completely dismembering
a battlefield of lust and war.
I am done with you.
I am over you.
Locker door swiftly shuts concealing
secrets begotten, forever yours. |
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Last edited by Audy on Sat Jun 07, 2008 7:06 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Kenpachi Masamune
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:10 am Post subject: |
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Powerful and bold it works well with your spacing choices.
Locker door creakingly opens revealing
Creakingly is not a word. 'creaks open' maybe?
Photograph of old, discarded and peeling
face not so fickle and friendly anymore.
I don't think your words in the first line should be in the order. It describes the face, when it should be describing the photograph. Though I don't think you should use 'fickle' either, that is a word which doesn't make sense when looking at a person's picture. It is about their personality and not the relationship.
Suddenly, the air gets thick, remembering
summer days past of youth before...
'past youth before' That seems to be awkward and you have doubled stress on youth. 'Summer days of youth' is only needed.
Locker door swiftly shuts concealing
secrets begotten, forever yours.
Begotten... Past participial of beget... to father, sire or cause to exist or occur? This doesn't make sense.
Again while it was powerful some of the structure and words didn't make sense, it just needs some fixing up to turn it into a really great poem. |
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Em
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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I am absolutley TERRIBLE at critiques. So I tell people if I like their stuff instead.. =]
And I did.
Very.. *pulls out thesaurus* skookum.. probably not using it right, but it's a cool word.. =p
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/skookum |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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Let me start off with saying that the stucture makes it complicated to read. I am not saying i didn't like it I am saying it just makes it hard to read.
Next let me fix these tiny errors in the poem.
Locker door creakingly opens revealing need a period here. memories tacked to the side of the door. Photograph of old, discarded and peeling face not so fickle and friendly anymore. Suddenly, the air gets thick, remembering summer days past of youth before...
No elipsis sorry about spelling.
Well If you have questions feel free to pm me.
SimonCowellLuver |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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Just a quick note- subtly brilliant.
Eimear |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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A wonderful poem, girl! I have some suggestions that might explain why you're unsure of it, but it really is written well. 
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| Locker door creakily opens, revealing |
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Photograph of old, [dash instead?] discarded and peeling
face not so fervent and friendly anymore. |
This, as a sentence, is a bit awkward. I think the information behind the comma is a bit on the side, so a dash would be appropriate.
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Suddenly, the air gets thick, remembering
summer days past, of youth before...
Love gone corrupt, completely dismembering
a battlefield of lust and war. |
This is one suggestion that might cause you to think "meh" about your poem. The rhythm's slightly off here. If you read the verses straight through [seeing as they rhyme], you may find that the second underlined line is a teensy bit shorter than the first. That's really nit-picky, though, and I wouldn't worry yourself over it.
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I am done with you.
I am over you. |
This also might be throwing you off. There isn't a verse like this anytime before this point, so it may seem a bit random. It would be a nice deja vu if you could do one in the beginning, but again, it's not too much to worry about. 
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Locker door swiftly shuts, concealing
secrets begotten, forever yours. |
The only observation I made here was that it didn't have a verse to rhyme with it like in the beginning. Otherwise, a wonderful ending. Way to tie back to the first line. Deja vu! Bravo! 
I really did like it, though. Great imagery! Your rhyming did very well in keeping the rhythm and making it easier/fun to read. I pictured this pretty clearly; the story was visible in my mind. The structure was great as well. There's really nothing bad/terrible/horrible to say about this poem. Again: bravo!
I hoped I help some, if not completely.  Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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