Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Can you Tell Who it is? What Can I Do to make him Better?
Can you Tell Who it is? What Can I Do to make him Better?

by Raimunda in Art & Photography
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Scripts

This thread was created on February 26, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Foreign Markets: 1x02 "The Package"
Foreign Markets: 1x03 "Clubfoot"
Foreign Markets: 1x04 "Swollen Grapes"
Foreign Markets: 1x05 "Between a Rock and a Hard Place&
Foreign Markets: 1x06 "Homesick"
Foreign Markets: 1x07 "Of Mice and Men"
Foreign Markets: 1x08 "Friction Force"
Foreign Markets: 1x09 "Revelations"

Foreign Markets: 1x01 "Pilot / Alpha Dogs"

Topic ID: 26422
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Incandescence   View This User's Portfolio
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist

901
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3021
Reviews: 901
Country: USA
413 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 3:04 am    Post subject: Foreign Markets: 1x01 "Pilot / Alpha Dogs" Reply with quote

A/N: For the most part, I'm simply looking for responses and not revisions. The difference being the former is how you felt and can see the script progressing; the latter being explicit changes to dialog or scenery or description. This is because I can not use any revisions made here. Let me repeat:

I CAN NOT ACCEPT ANY REVISION.

Now, that doesn't mean you guys can't *make* them, just that I can't accept them as such--I don't even mind if you make them, since they might spur me on to some other idea to use instead. However, just so we're clear--I can't use them in the final draft.

Anyway, that aside--enjoy (as much as you can, which I'm doubting is very much)!

--


"FOREIGN MARKETS: 1X01 PILOT"
Created & Written by: Brad Stanley

“ALPHA PUPS”



FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - EVENING

Establishing shot: a car slows to a stop in front of a red-brick two-story house. The sun is beginning to set, casting shadows in the front lawn. The brakes SQUEAK as the car stops.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - EVENING

JAMES takes a deep breath as he turns off the ignition. He peers out the passenger window and exhales. He pulls a bag from the back seat but pauses before opening his door. He is clearly nervous about something. His cell phone RINGS, and he picks it up and considers who's calling. He stares at it for a moment before ignoring the call.

PAN OUT TO SHOW CAR AND FRONT OF HOUSE

Yellow light glows from the house, and a few dead leaves rest on the sidewalk leading to the large front door. In the stage-right window, the blue glow from a television is seen.

James opens the car door and steps out with bag in tow. Crickets CHIRP. He brushes off his shirt and pauses, glancing down the street before walking around to the sidewalk. As he steps up from the curb, the front door opens and a figure, JEREMY, emerges.

JEREMY
(arms extended, happy)
James? That you?

Jeremy steps down from the doorframe and walks over to James.

JAMES
(awkward, laughing a little)
Hey. It's, uh, it's good to finally meet you.

They shake hands.

JEREMY
(nodding, talking rapidly)
Yeah, man, no kidding. Glad you decided to come! After our last conversation, I wasn't sure if you were going to make it or not. So I'm glad you did.

James nods slowly, and they stand awkwardly for a moment as a car passes.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
(motioning to the house)
Well come in, come in. The others are already here. Are you excited? I'm sure--

JAMES
I was--

Jeremy quickly turns on James.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
(gesturing to the car)
Do you have any other bags or anything I can grab for you? Want me to take that one?

JAMES
No, it's okay. I'll get it later.

JEREMY
Oh…alright, then. Are you sure? I mean, I can grab it now and just take it all in at once.

James raises an eyebrow at Jeremy, slightly amused.

JAMES
Are you high? And no, really, it's okay. I'll get it later.

They walk in and close the door.

INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS

The foyer is lit by a hanging chandelier. James sets his bag down and looks around, slightly nervously.

JEREMY
(Enthusiastic)
So this is where we'll be hanging out. To the right here is the living room, back here's the kitchen, the laundry room is--

JAMES
(waving his hand)
I'll figure it out.

James looks over Jeremy's shoulder, squinting.

JAMES (CONT'D)
So where are the others?

Jeremy turns and peers up the staircase.

JEREMY
(cupping his hand to his ear)
I think they're upstairs settling in.
Jeremy turns around and catches James' eyes.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
Are you sure you don't want me to go get anything? I mean, you have more stuff, right? I can go get it if you--

James holds up his hand.

JAMES
Stop, please. You sound like my mother.

JEREMY
Well…do you have other stuff?

James furrows his brow in annoyance.

JAMES
(slightly defensive)
Maybe!

James maneuvers around Jeremy towards the KITCHEN. A slight THUD comes from behind the kitchen counter.

JAMES (CONT'D)
(shrugging, looking around)
Are you sure they're upstairs? And why's it even matter if I have more? I don't need you to grab my junk.

Jeremy trails behind him but hangs back a few feet.

JEREMY
I don't know. I just want…you know, I just want to be of service if you need me.

James picks up a clock and inspects it before setting it back down.

JAMES
(pre-occupied, trying to think of something to say)
Well…don't worry about it. You're…servicing me fine.

A girl, LENA, suddenly stands up from behind the kitchen counter in just a bra.

LENA
(wide-eyed, glancing from Jeremy to James)
Wow, talk about coming into a conversation at the wrong time.

JAMES
(shaken)
Who the hell are you?

Jeremy quickly jumps between them and motions wildly.

JEREMY
(trying not to look at Lena)
James! This is…uh…this is Lena.

Lena blinks.

JAMES
You're…Pigalicious?

Lena nods, slowly lifting an empty jar to her chest. They stand motionless for several seconds, all looking from one to the other, each slightly more disturbed than the other.

LENA
(arching her eyebrow and extending her free hand)
I'm assuming you're BrightLightBoy.

James quickly shakes hands with her and steps back.

JAMES
(squinting, confused)
Why…aren't you wearing a shirt?

A loud CRASH is heard from upstairs followed by GIGGLING.

LENA
(loudly, suspiciously)
It isn't what it looks like!

James glances to Jeremy and folds his arms over his chest.

JEREMY
(alarmed)
What exactly does it look like?

JAMES
That's good, because it kind of looks like you were getting ready to collect breast milk.

Lena deadpans at both of them and clutches the jar to her chest.

LENA
Psh, you boys wish.

Lena looks down at her breasts.

LENA (CONT'D)
(to herself)
My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard….

STOMPING is heard from the upstairs.

JAMES
(looking to the staircase)
Fuck was that? You bring pigs with you?

JEREMY
(rolling his eyes)
Be nice. Lena, put a shirt on?

Lena nods and suddenly ducks below the counter and puts on a red shirt. She slowly walks around the counter, and all three glance to the staircase as two people thunder down them, laughing.

LUKE and SUNSHINE tumble down the stairs. Luke's deep British chuckles almost overpower Sunshine's airy giggles. As they turn and see the others staring at them, they quickly right themselves and clear their throats.

LUKE
Um, hi…

James blinks and then grins.

JAMES
Luke? Hey!

LUKE
James? Oh God! I thought it was you! But I wasn't sure!

James glances to Jeremy.

JAMES
(shaking Jeremy's hand)
Yeah! Who else would it be?

The others are silent for a moment.

JAMES (CONT'D)
(suspicious)
What?

Jeremy steps forward.

JEREMY
Well, to be honest, like I said earlier, we weren't sure if you were gonna make it, so I may have made a tentative offer to someone else….

JAMES
Are you kidding me?

Jeremy shoves his hands in his pockets and glances down at his shoes. The others avert their gaze.

JEREMY
It was just that, you know…. You weren't sure, so I wasn't sure, and….

JAMES
(disbelieving)
No…I don't really know.

Another moment of silence passes before Luke, Lena, Jeremy and Sunshine burst into laughter. As it dawns on him, James rolls his eyes and pushes past them to the foyer, flipping them off as he goes by.

LENA
You should have seen the look on your face!

They silently watch as James picks up his bag and silently marches up the stairs. They're not sure what to make of his touchiness.

JEREMY
(sighing, exasperated)
Luke, go talk to him.

Luke stares incredulously.

LUKE
What? Why me?

JEREMY
(shrugging)
He trusts you. You guys have rapport.

Luke starts to protest.

LUKE
You two have more history than I do! We met in Manchester and had drinks one evening…that hardly makes a rapport! You're the one giving him the job, and…

Luke looks around, noticing their unsympathetic expressions.

LUKE (CONT'D)
…and you don't care, do you?

CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS BALCONY - CONTINUOUS

Three doors lead to three different bedrooms, and the railing from the side allows one to see down into the foyer. James is looking at the three rooms.

LUKE
(running up the stairs)
James! Wait!

James closes his eyes and turns around slowly.

JAMES
Look, I didn't come here to be fucked with. I came here to do a job, that's all.

Luke steps towards him.

LUKE
(nodding)
Good! Goofing off isn't why we're here. Those guys were just being idiots, okay? Don't worry about them.

JAMES
(unconvinced)
I'm not kidding. I drove fifteen hundred miles to be here. I'll drive fifteen hundred to go back.

Luke puts his hand on James' shoulder.

LUKE
It's o-kay. You can't let us give you kittens every time people mess with you.

JAMES
(chuckling)
Give me kittens, huh?

They stare at each other for a moment.

JAMES (CONT'D)
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry, I overreacted.

LUKE
Don't worry about it. I think we all need some rest.

James turns away from Luke and looks at the rooms, nodding as he counts each one.

JAMES
So…there are three rooms…and five of us. How does this work again?

Jeremy emerges at the top of the staircase.

JEREMY
(loudly)
Don't worry about it.

James looks to him.

JAMES
(unamused)
You're kidding, right?

JEREMY
(scoffing)
Please. With our budget, we're lucky we got this.

James shifts his weight.

JAMES
So then where's the fourth and fifth rooms?

Jeremy shrugs and holds his hands out to the three doors.

JEREMY
There isn't one.

James grinds his teeth and stares sternly at Jeremy. Their eyes remain fixed for a few moments before James grabs his bag up from the floor and hoists it over his shoulder.

JAMES
You know what? Fuck this, I'm going home.

Jeremy and Luke, slightly shocked, watch hopelessly as he walks by them to the staircase. James steps down the first few stairs before stopping. Jeremy and Luke glance to each other.

JAMES
(grinning, turning around)
Ha! I got you, assholes!

They all three burst into laughter as James climbs back up the stairs.

JEREMY
(trying not to laugh)
Yeah, I really thought you might have been serious.
(beat, grinning)
Ass.

Jeremy lightly punches James' shoulder. James backs away immediately and smirks.

JAMES
Payback is a bitch.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Lena and Sunshine are standing behind the counter, sipping water from their glasses. LAUGHTER and STOMPING are suddenly heard from upstairs. Lena peers up over her glass.

LENA
(holding the glass to her lips)
Sausagefest.

SUNSHINE
(choking)
That's mean.

Lena sets the glass down on the counter and shrugs.

LENA
I just don't want them…jizzing all over the place.

Sunshine recoils in distaste and follows suit, setting her glass down.

SUNSHINE
(repulsed)
How could you say something like that?

Lena stares at her in disbelief.

LENA
Um…because they have a penis?

Sunshine scoffs, eyes full of condemnation for Lena's vulgarity, and walks over to the couch and sits down. She opens a magazine and makes an extended effort to make sure Lena hears the magazine CRINKLE.

CUT TO:

INT. LUKE'S AND JAMES' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

James drops his bag on the floor. He looks around, staring up at the ceiling, at the bed, the dresser, and the flower painting over the wall. He shoves his hands in his pockets and nods.

JAMES
Great. Only marginally gay.

Jeremy holds his hands up in defeat, but he's ultimately glad James is staying.

JEREMY
I know, and I'm sorry. When we get the company up and running, though, we'll find somewhere better.

Luke sits on the bed and watches as James opens the dresser drawers. He looks up at the ceiling as Jeremy pulls his phone out of his pocket.

LUKE
How long are you thinking we'll need to be here?

Jeremy is fidgeting with his phone, texting someone.

JEREMY
Uh…
(he puts his phone back in his pocket)
As long as it takes, right?

James CLOSES a drawer and looks over at him.

JAMES
Yeah, it better be quick, 'cause I don't see how this arrangement is at all conducive to getting chicks.
(beat)
No offense, Luke.

Luke shrugs.

LUKE
None taken.

Jeremy looks at both of them for a moment as though raptly fascinated with their exchange.

JEREMY
(clearing his throat)
Well, I think we need to have our first official staff meeting and then I need to jet.

James looks to Luke for clarification, but Luke just stares back at him. "What?" he mouths.

JAMES
(gesturing to Jeremy)
So, let me get this straight, you aren't even staying here?

Jeremy holds his hands up over his head as though to say, "What can I do?"

LENA
(suddenly appearing in the doorway)
Why's it matter if he's not staying?

James folds his hands over his chest and stares at her in a clearly challenging way.

JAMES
Honestly? Because I don't think you need a room to yourself.

Lena laughs.

LENA
Oh, and you need a room to yourself so…why, again? Too afraid to be in--

Jeremy quickly interrupts her.

JEREMY
(clearing his throat loudly)
I think that's enough. From both of you.

Jeremy walks over to Lena and puts his arm around her shoulder.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
Now, you two kids work this out, okay? Because if you can't, it's gonna make for an awful way to start the company, no?

James rolls his eyes.

LENA
(muttering)
Not my fault he gets stage fright….

Sunshine suddenly appears behind Lena.

SUNSHINE
Hey, did you guys know soldier ants can't feed themselves?

All suddenly fall silent and stare at her like she's from a different planet.

SUNSHINE (CONT'D)
(nodding emphatically)
It's true! Their pinchers are so large, they can't even get food to their mouths!

More blank stares.

JAMES
What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

SUNSHINE
(waving her hands around vaguely)
Whoah, I'm getting a lot of…negative energy from in here.

James rolls his eyes.

LUKE
That isn't negative energy. That's James.

SUNSHINE
(slowly, emphasizing the last three words)
I think we all just need to…calm…down.

Sunshine holds her hands up over her head and closes her eyes. She slowly twirls in position, taking long, deep breaths, and brings her hands down in front of her.

SUNSHINE
Calm…down…
(she slowly sits on the floor)
Calm…dow--

JAMES
(fed up)
Shut up! We're angry, not retarded.

Jeremy's phone RINGS.

JEREMY
Well, I think that's my cue…

Jeremy slips out of the room as the others continue to watch Sunshine, who remains unfazed and is now humming.

INT. SECOND-FLOOR BALCONY - CONTINUOUS

Jeremy answers his phone.

JEREMY
(into phone)
Hey, baby, what's up?

CUT TO:

EXT. MACY'S PARKING LOT - EVENING

A woman, ANN, is holding a phone to her ear as she walks down an aisle of parked cars.

ANN
(into phone)
Where the hell are you, cocksucker?

INTERCUT WITH balcony.

JEREMY
(into phone)
I'm sorry, babe; things are taking a bit longer here than I thought they would.

Jeremy winces as muffled YELLING is heard from the bedroom.

INTERCUT WITH parking lot.

Ann pulls keys out of her purse with her spare hand. A SQUEALING CAR is heard in the distance.

ANN
(into phone)
Yeah? Well get it under control.

INTERCUT WITH balcony.

JEREMY
(glancing over his shoulder, into phone)
I will, baby, I will.

INTERCUT WITH parking lot.

ANN
(into phone)
Good. Thirty minutes?

INTERCUT WITH balcony.

Jeremy hesitates before answering, waiting for the YELLING to subside. Finally,
moving down the staircase a few steps, he answers.

JEREMY
(into phone)
Make it an hour?

INTERCUT WITH parking lot.

ANN
(into phone)
Fine. But a minute late and I'll have to punish you.

A suburban almost backs over Ann as she unlocks her car. The driver HONKS at her.

INTERCUT WITH balcony.

JEREMY
Baby? You okay?

INTERCUT WITH parking lot.

ANN
(giving the driver the finger)
Fuck you, asshole!

She CLINKS her ring against the back glass.

ANN
(into phone)
Hey honey, I'm gonna have to go. The people here are dicks.

INTERCUT WITH balcony.

JEREMY
(into phone)
Oh…okay. I'll see you later.

Jeremy hangs up and takes a breath before turning and walking back to the bedroom. He stops as he sees Lena and James bickering back and forth, Sunshine still sitting on the ground chanting and Luke looking at the painting.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
Guys? Guys, we need to have our first staff meeting now.

Nobody responds. Jeremy steps into the room.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
(clearing his throat)
Guys! Staff meeting! NOW!

They fall into a dead silence and stare at him. Lena forcefully shrugs as she turns her back on James. Sunshine stands up and brushes her hair back.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
Are we okay?
(beat)
Guys?

James flashes a glare to Lena, even though she can't see it.

JAMES
Yeah. Fine.
(shrugging)
We're cool.

Jeremy nods and leads them out of the room and down the stairs. James puts his hand in front of Luke so he can be adjacent to Lena.

JAMES (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Bitch.

LENA
(incredulous)
Jerk.

JAMES
(pointing to Jeremy)
I was talking about him.

Lena rolls her eyes.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

James, Luke and Jeremy sit on the couch, which is at a ninety-degree angle to Lena and Sunshine, who are sitting on the loveseat. A brown coffee table sits between them, uncluttered. Jeremy turns off the TV with the remote and sets it down on the couch.

JEREMY
Alright, guys. Let's talk business.

They all nod except for Sunshine, who seems to be intently staring at her reflection in the window leading to the backyard.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
I know we all made incredible sacrifices to come here and live more or less with strangers, so let's make sure those sacrifices aren't wasted. I wanted to make--
Luke suddenly stands up.

LUKE
Do we have anything to drink? I think we need something to drink for this chin wag.
They all stare up at him.

LUKE (CONT'D)
Oh come on! You can't tell me you've never heard of a chin wag.

James clears his throat, turning back to Jeremy.

JAMES
So, uh…anyway.

Luke turns and goes to the kitchen, muttering under his breath.

JEREMY
Right…well, each of you have had experience in the world of publishing, which is why I wanted all of you here. I don't think I need to mention how long or hard the road in front of us is going to be.

A cabinet door SLAMS shut as Luke looks for glasses.

JEREMY (CONT'D)
So here's the plan: James, since you have the most direct experience with publishing, I was hoping you could sort of be our contact person--the guy we go to when we need to make sure we're not making mistakes.

James nods and then glances over to the kitchen, where Luke is staring at plastic cups.

JAMES
That's all?

JEREMY
(clearing his throat)
Well, no, not entirely. I still need you to monitor the website--all of us still need to do that, actually--and keep things in check where that's concerned. But! Since you also know some agents, I was wondering if you would mind asking--

JAMES
(scoffing)
Forget it. I'm not doing anything with an agent until we at least get things set up. Agents are assholes.

JEREMY
(holding his hands up in defense)
Fine. But we will need something to market ourselves with, so I need you to find something or someone we can land.

JAMES
(smirking)
How exactly do you think I'm going to do that?

Jeremy shrugs meekly, looking around innocently.

JAMES (CONT'D)
(in disbelief)
Oh no. No! No no, I am not going--no!

Lena laughs and twirls her hair between her fingers. Sunshine stands up and walks to the window, looking out.

JEREMY
(pleading)
Just think about it, please?

James sighs and rubs his temples.

JAMES
(finally)
I'll think about it, okay?

JEREMY
Yes!

JAMES
I'm not promising anything, though! Don't count on it, alright? Becker isn't ever going to go with this, just so you know--and we have the Journal anyway.
Jeremy holds up his hands in playful defense.

JEREMY
Great! I'm not counting on it, just ask and I'll be happy. Basically, I just want you to serve as sort of our financier, and I want you and Luke to work together on that, so that's sort of--

Luke gasps and suddenly bolts up the stairs.

JEREMY
(looking towards the empty kitchen)
…what was that?

LENA
That was weird….

James smirks and then looks to Lena.

JAMES
I guess the kitchen has that effect on you guys--say, why weren’t you wearing a shirt earlier, anyway?

Lena narrows her eyes at him.

LENA
None of your business.

JAMES
(shrugging, smirking)
Okay, I just didn't know girls went moist for plumbing.

Lena cocks her head to the side and smirks.

LENA
Well at least when we do, we've got a man who knows how to fix it.

JEREMY
(snapping his fingers, looking wearily from one to the other)
Guys…focus.
(looking to Sunshine)
Sunshine, what's up?

Sunshine does not respond.

LUKE
(running down the stairs, holding a bottle of wine up over his head for all to see)
Got it!

Other than Sunshine, they all watch as Luke goes to the kitchen and pours five glasses.

JEREMY
So, Luke, I was thinking you and Lena should be directly in charge of typesetting manuscripts, and all the details and editing that goes with it--speaking of which, what do you guys think of a line editor?

Luke carries over five cups of wine precariously positioned in his arms. He distributes them.

JAMES
(shaking his head)
A line editor? The only 'line editor' I think we should pay is an escort to restrict how much blow we snort off a hooker's ass.

Lena rolls her eyes.

JEREMY
Is that how you guys feel…sans hookers?

Luke passes out cups to everyone except Sunshine, who is still standing at the window, and sits down

LENA
Unfortunately, yeah, I agree with James. I think we can do our own line editing.

JAMES
Exactly. It'll save money, and it isn't like we have a tremendous client list anyway. We'll have free time.

Jeremy nods and sips from his cup.

JEREMY
Fine. No line editor, then.

Luke holds his cup up and grins.

LUKE
Cheers!

JEREMY
(smiling)
Great! Then Sunshine will be our luminous artistic visionary!

JAMES
(snorting)
And pot dealer.

Jeremy smirks at James and rolls his eyes.

JEREMY
Sunshine, what are you doing?

Sunshine turns and looks at them. She looks like she's seen a ghost.

SUNSHINE
(pointing over her shoulder)
There's a cat out there.

They all stand and look, squinting.

JEREMY
How can you see it? It's pitch black out there.

Lena walks over to the window and looks.

SUNSHINE
It's a kitten. I think it's mother abandoned it.

Jeremy furrows his brow and steps around James and Luke.

LUKE
(to James)
Great symbolism, huh?

LENA
(standing on her toes)
Is it alive? It looks like it's alive!

James and Luke snicker and then walk to the window. Sunshine goes to the patio sliding door and opens it. She carefully walks into the backyard, whispering sweetly to the small creature. She bends down and sticks her hand out to it, which it sniffs warily, uncertain. Sunshine stays her hand and lets it sniff more thoroughly before she gingerly strokes its head. Sunshine looks over to the group standing at the window and nods.

SUNSHINE
It's alive!

LENA
Awww. Dinner!

They all look at her, slightly horrified.

LENA (CONT'D)
I can't make a joke?

Sunshine picks the small kitten up and cradles it in her arms. She walks up to the window and stares at Jeremy.

SUNSHINE
(through the window)
Can we keep it?

Jeremy looks to the others briefly and then shrugs.

JEREMY
I don't see why not?

James rolls his eyes.

JAMES
Does our budget include cat food?

Lena punches him in the shoulder, eyes smoldering.

JAMES (CONT'D)
Fine! Sorry, I just didn't realize cats were an asset to book publishing.

LENA
True, you're enough pussy for all of us, James.

James starts to reply as his and Jeremy's cell phones ring simultaneously. Lena and Luke watch as they both walk away, backs turned, and ignore their calls.

LUKE
(to Lena)
That isn't weird, or anything…

Lena nods and arches her eyebrows at them.

LENA
Who was that?

JAMES & JEREMY
(simultaneous)
Nobody.

Luke laughs.

LUKE
Ahuh.

Jeremy waves Lena back inside and picks up his cup from the table.

JEREMY
(grinning)
Well guys, I have to get going, so…to us!

Luke lifts his cup up, staring at it, slightly off-put by it being plastic, and then laughs.

LUKE
To the future!

Luke and Jeremy look expectantly at the others, who do not have their cups with them.

JAMES
What?

Jeremy rolls his eyes.

JEREMY
What 'what'? Stop being a prick and get your cup and toast us.

Lena and James walk over to the table and pick up their cups.

JAMES
(shaking his head, unsure)
To…toasts!

Luke and James laugh.

LENA
To books!

They all glance to Sunshine, who meekly holds up the kitten.

SUNSHINE
I don't drink in front of children.

They all laugh.

FADE OUT.

THE END

_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson


Last edited by Incandescence on Thu Feb 28, 2008 2:14 am; edited 3 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Snoink   View This User's Portfolio
Snuggly
Writer of Legend

2137
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8716
Reviews: 2137
Country: USA
1931 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 4:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The most awesome, amazing character of all were Lena's breasts. They were characterized incredibly well. ^_^

And yay! SPEW will take over the world some day...

_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh

Video Critiques by Yours Truly. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Meshugenah   View This User's Portfolio
kicking plot into submission
Epic Novelist

345
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Dec 2004
Posts: 2878
Reviews: 345
Country: Essayville.
590 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You mean SPEW hasn't taken over the world already?

And her... Leave it to you, 'Rina, to talk about Breasts as a character.

Brad, I like it. Take over the (publishing) world, and bicker all the while. Oh yes.

Lena is awesome -- watch James and Jeremy, though. With the two "J" names, it got a little confusing at first. Maybe find a way to differentiate between them a little more, at least at the start? Though this is partly because it's written, and acted we'd have a much more visual sense of the characters to help ^^

Basically... yeah. And Sunshine kicks it. That is all.

_________________
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)

@(^_^)@ Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Firestarter   View This User's Portfolio
rear-admiral of the RED
Site Admin

986
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Nov 2004
Posts: 6291
Reviews: 986
Country: Albion
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What a guy Luke is.

Anyway, you got me intrigued, and I'm ready to read more.

_________________
and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Reakeda   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

47
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Posts: 108
Reviews: 47
Country: United States of America
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^ I liked. James seems very cynical and I like that about him. I have to say it was more his character than any other that kept me reading, though Sunshine and Lena are amusing as well.

~Rea
*scurries off to read the next episode.*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
bubblewrapped   View This User's Portfolio
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum

577
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1763
Reviews: 577
Country: My own little universe
467 Points

PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tried to come up with something substantial to say, but I failed. I guess I just don't do scripts so well XD The only thing I really felt could be improved was I wasn't entirely sure who they were or why they were all together...but that would possibly be rectified by being able to see them and their surroundings.

Otherwise, Sunshine is hilarious, the others are interesting, and I want to see what happens next.

_________________
Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.

-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum

463
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1034
Reviews: 463
Country: Candyland
790 Points

PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 1:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read it! Very Happy Told ya I was gonna read it! ^^

I loved it. It's only a script and I felt, as the audience, that I was actually part of the scene. Sunshine was cute (Laughing), the relationship between Lena and James is amusing, the three boys are good friends.. it's really amazing. I wonder how they all became friends, especially Sunshine. They all just have their own personalities, yet they're friends. Amazing! ^^

I wish I could say something evil.. but I can't. Sorry I wasn't helpful. I hope I was encouraging, though! Very Happy

Jabber, the One and Only!

_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber

Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Riedawriter23   View This User's Portfolio
La femme avec les yeux.
Speaker of the Forum

516
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 722
Reviews: 516
Country: That of my own accord.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 4:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

XD I really liked this. Your characters really shown through. I liked the tension of the characters throughout it but most of all...I loved Lena! Smile She had some really funny lines and she's sort of a bitch, but I think you meant it that way. Hopefully...And I loved the milkshake reference. That song is awesome and did her justice. Razz

Off to read the next!

~Rieda

_________________
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DragonWriter   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

61
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 160
Reviews: 61

300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, You need to contact an producer pronto, I think this would be set up into a show. It is Good! I liked how lina was a bitch, james a synic moron, and sunshine the calmer. However i think my favorite chracter was the Kiten. You should like let her be an inspiration to one of the writers , and the peaice makes them milionairs or something. I do nnot know. Just do not ignore the kitten, or i will punish u by sending all her friends to meow at night and let you get no sleep. HEHEHE, just kidding, som yeah i liked it. i think there are some type errors, but you can find them ur self. i canot wait for more.

_________________
Twilight rocks!
New Moon rules!
Eclispe kicks butt!
In coclusion, Steaphine Meyer is a rocking, ruling, and kick butt authour!
That is the TRUTH!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address ICQ Number
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1324
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5341
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1156 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is great, Brad. Highly amusing. I think your characters are very well developed with such wonderfully individual personalities. I don't know if you've edited since Meshugenah's comment but I actually have to disagree with her - I found Jeremy and James to be sufficiently different. However, I'm glad that you gave them a scene on their own at first to establish the more subtle difference between their personalities as it's diminished later when they're with the group - Jeremy is much less nervous and more in control with the others around.

I think you gave some good details of setting - the love couch was a great addition and I'm already looking forward to future scenes in that room. The relationships between the characters are brilliant and there's some real sense of past and present conflict here that draws your reader in, especially where James and Lena are concerned.

I'm glad you kept the section with Ann short because though it gave an insight into Jeremy's character and life, it was probably my least favourite part.

My only real suggestion is to take another look at the beginning and maybe trim it a little. It is good to distinguish the characters of James and Jeremy and to introduce the conflict but I felt that the discussion over James' bags could have been shorter and they spent a lot of time wondering where the others were.

It's really good though and I certainly intend to read more!

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Areida   View This User's Portfolio
The Warrior Princess Ari
Epic Novelist

698
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Posts: 4829
Reviews: 698
Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah! We're angry, not retarded! And Lena's milkshakes totally brought all the boys to the kitchen.

Hehehhee, I so want to see this acted out.

I'm glad you're not asking for critiques, Brad, because I don't think I could do it. Your brain operates on a completely different level than mine. But this was enjoyable all the same. Sorry for not getting to it sooner. Wink

_________________
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Blooregard Q. Kazoo   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

32
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 49
Reviews: 32
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, I hate Jeremy. What an effin' deuschbag. How the hell does he think he is? I mean, what's his problem anyway?

So yeah, here are my thoughts...

I didn't really get why they were so easily getting on each other's nerves. James got angry with everyone as soon as he got there, which didn't make much sense to me.

Also, Jeremy's girlfriend would never say 'cocksucker.' That's entirely out of character. She would, though, say 'Fuck you asshole,' although never to Jeremy.

Overall, I did like this, but it seems a bit contrived for the time being. Then again, all pilots seem like that to me. Hell, I hate the first episode of Seinfeld, but love the rest. So I'll have to keep on reading.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum

516
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points

PostPosted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 8:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was cool, but I'm a little confused. I guess it'll all be explained in the next episodes, which I now have to go and read.

But it was cool. Why can't you accept revisions, though? Are you writing it for something in particular? Not that I can think of anything you should change.

_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on February 26, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Scripts All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on February 26, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again. - James R. Cook
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society