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Wings Of The Chosen: Book Of Seals
Wings Of The Chosen: Book Of Seals

by Thanatos in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on December 29, 2007
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seeminglymeaningless   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:03 am    Post subject: Alone Reply with quote

ALONE

September 5, 2010, 10:40AM

Washington Square Park, New York

I stood under the shade of a withered tree. Nondescript and grey, it was slumped to one side as if some invisible person perched on its topmost branches. All it's leaves were brown and sickly looking, all but one solitary stem which was a colour almost on the verge of green, supporting three bright yellow leaves.

I was standing in what remained of a park near the New York University. A stray dog - they were all strays these days - sniffed at a charred garbage can a few meters away from me. I was at half a mind to whistle at it, desperate for some company other than my own, and the resident voices in my head.

Previous experience, however, prevented me from doing so. Most of these dogs had rabies, the plague, a taste for human flesh, all three, who knew? There surely weren't any willing veterinarians around aching to cure all the strays, or any of the Animal Rescue Service eager to find them loving homes, either.

In fact, there were no loving homes for them to go to, even if such a patrol still cruised the streets of New York. No, I argued with myself, Not quite true; homes could be found anywhere and everywhere. There'd just be no loving owner inside to greet the pooch with open arms.

Not in this part of the city, anyway. In the country? The suburbs? Alaska? Maybe Alaska - far as I know, no one had thought to target Alaska. I mean, who would? The people there'd probably melt with the effort of a take over bid in a place a degree over 30 Fahrenheit.

The suburbs? Maybe. Maybe some lucky fucker's got himself one of those old bomb shelters. Maybe a whole neighbourhood is in it right now, crouched into corners, munching on cans of tuna and stale crackers, going steadily insane at the close confinements. Reading in the flickering candle light. Trying to fuck silently, in a tangle of towels and dog blankets, aware of the other people in the shelter, but going for broke heedless. Or maybe the guy even ain't that lucky. All he's got in that bunker is his brother. And his hand.

But I'm wandering again. Always wandering, never stopping, one of the four voices in my head reminded me in a clear and soft tone, Always wandering, never stopping.

I sighed and the dogs' ears swiveled at the sound. Mutant dog. Dogs ears don't swivel. The fallout must have affected a pregnant bitch, spawning unnatural pups. If that was the case, this mongrel could be young; never living in a populated world where humans reigned supreme, a dog untainted by the violence that had spread throughout the once flourishing city only a few months ago.

A few months ago? Heck, I know the date like I know the back of my hand. Know the days, hours, minutes and seconds to the tee. July 4th, 2010, 12:00 Midday; imprinted in my mind forever the day and the time the sky rained death upon New York City.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

July 4th, 2010, 11:55AM

Washington Square Park, New York

Like every patriotic American living in New York, and even those just visiting, were gathered at Washington Square, for the hot dog stands, ice-cream stalls and military airshow that Independence Day, I was seated with my family on a checkered picnic blanket under a shady tree.

Molly climbed onto my lap and I squeezed her to me, smelling the sweetness of her hair, never ceasing to be amazed that this freckle nosed little girl was mine. Leah, my wife, dressed to the nines to show of to any fellow workmates and any neighbours that happened to walk by, crept her hand into the back pocket of my jeans.

I smiled at her and said to our nine year old boy, "Timmy! Ready for those air planes?"

Timmy was red faced from running around like a lunatic with his best friend Cain. Cain retired to his own family's picnic spread, and sprawled out exhausted next to his mother who nodded at me.

Timmy hit the ground beside me and said, "Course. How many doya think there'll be?" He wiped his running nose with the back of his hand, and absently wiped the snot into the grass.

"Wave after wave."

"Millions?" Molly asked in her high pitched voice.

The background noise I had been hearing for a while surely grew sharper and I looked up to see black dots in the sky.

Leah glanced up, shading the sun from her eyes, "Looks like they're coming, kids!"

Molly and Timmy both peered into the sky, watching the planes fly closer.

"Wow dad, there's heaps, just like you said." Timmy's eyes were wide.

"Really?" Normally only seven or nine jets flew in a V formation over the square, and then came back. Heaps signified many, many meant more than ten. Why so many planes?

I squinted into the sky, everyone else in the park doing the same, watching the approaching jets fly closer. There were ten planes, spread out very wide. Glancing beyond them, I saw another set of ten, spaced to fill in the gaps of the fist lot. Behind that volley was another, and another. Each wave spaced out.

Feeling the hairs on the back of my neck rise, I glanced at Leah. She was smiling in anticipation.

"Sonny, there must be at least forty jets out there! They're gonna give us a real show."

The roaring grew louder. Molly practically bounced in my lap. We craned our necks to see the jets. And that's when the first bomb was dropped.

----------------------

A/N: Story continued futher down. Instead of flooding the forum with parts of this story, I'll continue posting on this same thread. Hope that works for everyone Smile



Last edited by seeminglymeaningless on Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:46 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello seeminglymeaningless,
Thanks for reviewing my story, so, I of course, will review yours!

One, this was a very good story. I like how the story is going so far and your writing seems to have a very 'grown up' feeling around it, which is good.

Quote:
I was at half a mind to whistle at it, desperate for some company other than my own, and the resident voices in my head.


I like this sentence, it has a nice ring to it.

Quote:
Previous experience, however, prevented me from doing so. Most of these dogs had rabies, the plague, a taste for human flesh, all three, who knew? There surely weren't any willing veterinarians around aching to cure all the strays, or any of the Animal Rescue Service eager to find them loving homes, either.


Great paragraph.

Your ending was also very good; it made me want to continue reading.

The only thing I have to say about this is that your characters and dialogue fell a little flat. They weren't really interesting.

But that's about it. Very good story and I can't wait to read more!

~N~

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OH NO!!!!

*embarrassed chuckle* Last night at work I just started writing feverishly, a great story idea in my head, and wrote the above.

And then you critiqued my work, mentioning that I critiqued yours first. . . So I went to go see what you were talking about. . . *winces* I seem to have stolen this great idea from you! Well, not exactly stolen, but both of our stories are apocalypse ones - yours is when everything was just starting to get better, and mine is where everything is still very very wrong.

I don't know what to do - should I continue? If you say yes, I'll make sure I don't follow a plot ANYTHING like yours ^^

- jai -

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Looks confused* Huh? I didn't really see anything similar except a couple of things. You should continue writing. Don't worry about 'stealing' ideas. I'll tell you when that happens. Smile

~N~

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 9:08 pm    Post subject: Your Story Reply with quote

Quote:
I was at half a mind to whistle at it...


this should be
Quote:
I had half a mind to whistle at it...

it think this is a very good story. keep writing! however, i'm afraid mine is not so good. could you critique it?
-mindoverflow812
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol, you read my book so I guess I'm in permanent debt to review every single thing you write for the rest of your stay at YWS.

Yeah, this was a very good prologue to a post-apocalyptic nightmare land fraught with all nature of mutant zombie-dogs, mutant zombie-rats, and plain old mutant zombies.

It was pretty neat and I really had to prod to find things to grip at.

Quote:
Heck, I know the date like I know the back of my hand. Know the days, hours, minutes and seconds to the tee.


After just using the F-word in the previous paragraph, it doesn't make sense to me to use an alteration of the word hell, in this one.

Quote:
July 1st, 2010, 11:55AM
Washington Square Park, New York

Like every patriotic American living in New York, and even those just visiting, were gathered at Washington Square, for the hotdog stands, ice-cream stalls and military airshow that Independence Day...


Okay, I'll give you a break because you're an Aussie, but Independence Day is on July 4th. Really... do a little research.

Grammar: hot dog is two words
air show is two words

You also use "air planes" later. It should be airplanes.

I had to be picky here, but all in all, it's a good sound prologue. I especially like the line...
Quote:

The roaring grew louder. Molly practically bounced in my lap. We craned our necks to see the jets. And that's when the first bomb was dropped.


I'm probably telling you something you already know, but you shouldn't start a sentence with a conjuction... like and

Good job.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hm, i love it. it makes me want to keep reading, so, keep writing! love the story, exelent story line, couldn't find any mistakes that i know of. good work.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I squinted into the sky, everyone else in the park doing the same, watching the approaching jets fly closer. There were ten planes, spread out very wide. Glancing beyond them, I saw another set of ten, spaced to fill in the gaps of the fist lot. Behind that volley was another, and another. Each wave spaced out.

Feeling the hairs on the back of my neck rise, I glanced at Leah. She was smiling in anticipation.

"Sonny, there must be at least forty jets out there! They're gonna give us a real show."

The roaring grew louder. Molly practically bounced in my lap. We craned our necks to see the jets. And that's when the first bomb was dropped.

The kids all around us were estatic. At first so was I. I remember thinking, Geez, the kids even get treats this year, when the first scream filled the air.

Heads turned towards the scream. I clenched Molly tighter to me, hoping to God there wasn't some lunatic suicide bomber running around with a Uzi.

"They're bombs!" Someone blurted out in a scream.

If you want instant panic, scream the word bomb in a crowded park on a sunny Independance Day.

The panic was indescribable. There were people running, people still sitting, people screaming and crying. Everywhere kids were being seperated as family members ran off in different directions. All this happened in the 20 seconds it took for the first bomb to hit the Park.

The BOOM of the bomb impacting reberverated in my ears; cut off all other sound. Suddenly I could hear nothing. It was one of the most horrorfying moments in my life. Molly still on my lap was screaming soundlessly into my face, clawing at my clothes. No sign of Leah or my eldest child.

The other bombs in the first V fell in quick sucession - the booms only dull footfalls compared to the first one. The flashes of the explosions, the plumes of fire roaring noiselessly into the sky. Buildings toppling over as if felled by an angry giant.

The smell of burning rubber. Melting tarmac. Smoke. A sweet sickly smell that I couldn't quite place.

The first wave of planes flew overhead, jolting me back to life. The other waves! There were more bombs. More planes. More death.

I gripped Molly to my chest tightly, springing to my feet faster than I have ever before.

Everywhere around me people were running. Stampeding. My eyes swept over broken and bloodied bodies - those not quick enough to get out of the way. Abandoned picnic blankets lay scattered and overturned on the green grass.

I ran towards the street. Vaulted over picnic hampers and small children. I didn't even have to harden my heart into leaving them on their own. I didn't even spare them a thought. God strike me down, but at the time, I didn't even care about them. They were nothing. All I was worried about was myself. And the small child thrashing in my arms.

Slowly sound was returning to me. I could hear snipets of screams. The roaring of the other planes stabbing at my ear drums. Explosions clawing into my head.

[A/N: computer is comencing to shut down for installations - I shall edit this in a few minutes]

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 2:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good. I didn't like it quite as much as I did the previous entry, but it was still intriguing, and I found myself wishing for more.

The grammar was pretty much impeccable, so I can't rat you out on poor usage. There were a few places where the punctuation might have been off, but I wasn't quite sure so I didn't make a big deal out of it.

I caught one mis-spelling:

Quote:
It was one of the most horrorfying moments in my life.


I'm pretty sure that you meant horrifying. I mean, it might just be another Aussie thing (Like forgetting that Independence Day is on the 4th of July- XD)

Quote:

hoping to God there wasn't some lunatic suicide bomber running around with a Uzi.


It would be written, "an Uzi" not "a Uzi".

This was probably my favorite line, but I don't think a suicide bomber would be running around with an Uzi.

1st of all, the Uzi is an Israeli weapon. The only suicide bombers I can think of have been Arabs, and they don't like to use Israeli weapons from what I've heard from my friend in the CIA.

2nd reason he probably wouldn't be running around with an Uzi: Suicide bombers don't tend to shoot before they blow themselves up. That said, I remember the Benazir Bhutto assassin shot her in the head before he detonated his explosive vest... the supposed character in your story isn't really an assassin, but more of a homicidal lunatic, though.

It's not a big deal, probably the only people to catch this would be me or Dono, but you might want to rework it.


Look on the bright side, all I could find to critique was the use of an Uzi instead of something like a Kalashnikov. Good job.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved this. Loved it loved it loved. You got me hooked after you said 'and we watched as the first bomb dropped.' I also like how it took the character a while to figure out it was a bomb, because it takes people a little time to realize this sorta thing. Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is very good. You capture the mind of your character very well, and believably. The wandering of his mind is how people really think. At times your description seems a tad passive, but most of the time it's spot-on. I don't understand why you have this set in New York when you clearly don't know about it because you live in Australia. It is always better to set a story in a place that you can describe.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I very much enjoyed it. You have a solid beginning, and it was very well-written. Sorry I'm so unhelpful. I found nothing worth pointing out, other than that it was very good.

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to tell you just out of moral scrupples that I have not read this all the way...but it is getting late here and my eyes are starting to go out of focus so I will read the rest later. But what I did read I thought was very very good. I do like the grown up feeling you get from this story and even though it hurts to hear how happy this guy was it is very important to the story. I like the descrpitiveness of the part just before the bombs dropped, when he is talking about the planes and the formation. Also I really liked the part where his son talked and then wiped his snot on the grass beacuse little kids really do it..my littles brothers do it all the time and its disgusting but it was a good element of the story. Nicely done. I'm kind of curious to find out what this guy looks like. I don't know if you descibed him at all in the parts I havn't ogtten to yet but I'm just having a hard time picturing him. I'm anxious to read the rest and then I'm sure I will want to read more so definatly keep writing!

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PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really enjoyed this. It was very descriptive, and the foreshadowing was amazing. You managed to tell me exactly what would happen, then how it happened and the story was vivid enough that I felt like I should scream to the people to run for cover! I like the way you caught the main characters emotions, the way he thought only of himself and his child; the way he was so afraid that everything else was drowned out; sound, thought, morality, logic. I have to say, you should keep adding onto this. It's just too good to stop here.

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PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! So, reading this I realized you do what I don't do enough! =D That was very good. I've never been able to successfully write foreshadowing, but you do it as if it is first nature to you. Also, I really liked the fact that you painted an image in the reader's mind. (That is also something I don't do very well.)

The one thing I would like ask you though is this. Is it really necessary to have the language in the story? I mean sure, in this day in age everyone cusses and it is probably heard throughout school. But does it really add anything to your story? (Maybe I'm just being naive...)

Other than that, it was a wonderful story. It was very interesting and very descriptive. Keep on writing, I look forward to reading more!
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