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Dr. Jamie Bondage
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 Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: Without Him |
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Verse 1:
What can I do when my heart is ripped in two?
What can I do when I know his is too?
What can I do?
What can I say?
How can I describe the pain?
Chorus:
Whithout him, how am I supposed to live?
Whithout him, how am I supposed to breathe?
Whithout him, how am I supposed to love?
Without him, how does life go on?
Verse 2:
Everything I see
Reminds me of him and me
Every touch and every kiss
Is embedded in my stupid memory.
Chorus
Verse 3:
Trying to be normal
Is practically impossible
Outside I look the same
But inside is just my broken heart.
Chorus
Verse 4:
We were meant to be
We were supposed to be
Just him and me
For eternity.
But that is gone
And will no longer be
Just him and me.
Chorus
How is my life going to go on without him? |
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GamesEnd
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject: |
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| I really like this what type of beat is it written for because i see it as hard and fast but i could be wrong. |
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Firestar
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 6:12 pm Post subject: |
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| The beat of the song was a bit bumpy, but it's a good start! |
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day tripper
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 4:06 am Post subject: |
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I really liked the lyrics of this song because I can relate to them.
It was enjoyable to read this, I enjoyed it.(: |
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30MarsBars
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: Re: Without Him |
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This lyric has a really good emotional impact, especially in the chorus. Your hook is well placed, too. I didn't quite get a strong sense of rhythm, but I think as long as you are perfectly happy with the meter you've written, it's fine. I think the second verse could use a rewrite though:
| Dr. Jamie Bondage wrote: |
Everything I see
Reminds me of him and me
Every touch and every kiss
Is embedded in my stupid memory.
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Everything I see
Reminds me of what used to be.
And however hard I try
I just can't wipe him out of my memory.
Or something to that effect. It was mainly the second line that didn't work (for me, at least).
I really like this lyric though, it's something a lot of people will be able to relate to. It's got an air of simplicity about it, but it's still graceful, and i think that's often quite hard to achieve. Keep up the good work  |
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Alice
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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First thing I noticed:
It's too repetitive for my liking, not only with the words but with how often you do the chorus. It should be spread out a little more than that.
Second thing I noticed:
It's a hopeless romantic song that I love and can somewhat relate to.
Third thing I noticed:
This song is actually kinda boring, it describes that you're in pain, but you don't describe the pain so we've got no real idea what kind of pain it is, just that there is pain.
I don't really know how to fix those things  but those are my 3 bits.
All the best
~~~Alice~~~ |
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Cariad
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it. Well, I can't say I like it, but I like how it's written, and with the suggestions of others it would be very heartrending, or at least more than it is already. I have one problem. In your chorus with spell the word without whithout the first three times. Fix that, and It's perfect! |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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I think the verses should be a BITTT longer.
Just a bit.
I see this as a pop song similar to Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis or Unlove You by Elisa Estrada but everyone has their own opinions and I could be TOTALLY and utterly wrong.
I really like it. It seems quite fun. |
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Sythe
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:18 am Post subject: |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage,
I thought this was wonderful! I was practically singing this song in my head. Everything worked for me - and I'm usually a hard lyricist to please!
There is nothing to say except that I loved this. Great job.
:Sythe: |
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Vampy_Girl15
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this a lot. I actually started to sing it in my head. [Which I don't do often.]
I disagree with tennisprincess though. With a band it wouldn't need to be any longer really.
~Rachael |
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this!
One suggestion of mine is to put verses 1 and 2 together as one verse, then do the same for verses 3 and 4. I felt the chorus coming along too many times, and that will help.
Once you do that, you might want to add a bridge and repeat the chorus one lst time, though this is just a personal preference. |
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Eva 040
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: |
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It doesnt seem to flow well, but the lyrics arevery good =]
If anything, the chorus might be quite repetetive as its quite long and as its after each verse makes a large chorus bulk in the song, so i would recommend making the verses longer, or adding a bridge before one, just to space them out a bit.
But the actual lyrics are amazing, very honest, i can really relate to them.
You've really summed up the feeling in this, it's really good.
Just work on the chorus bulk and this will be even better ^.^
Good Work, Eva XxXxX |
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Writer27
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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I loved this. I was singing it in my head the whole time I was reading it.
The pain is evident. I liked the rhyme scheme too. I saw that beat, going at a fast tempo, but I believe either way it would sound great! |
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