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The ongoing Adventures of Bib Fickle
The ongoing Adventures of Bib Fickle

by Black Cat Sachiko in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on March 27, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Keri's love Chapter One Part one
Keri's love Chapter One Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Three
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Four
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Five
Keri's Love Chapter Three Part One

Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two
Topic ID: 27807
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:07 am    Post subject: Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two Reply with quote

She felt her lips part as his head slowly moved down towards her own. Her eyes fluttered closed as his lips captured her’s in a soft kiss. She had been kissed several times, but never like this. He kissed her sweetly, slowly becoming more passionate. When he pulled back she was breathless, confused, and surprised. How had such a gentle, short kiss left her breathless? For some reason she wanted him to kiss her again. She saw his eyes flicker past her and his body tensed. She turned her head around twisting her body a little to see. Two guys stood there, arms crossed, faces hard. There was a girl standing in front of them with the look of pure anger of her face. She was glaring right at Keri. When her eyes met Keri’s she made her way towards the two, the two guys following. Keri looked at the guy surprised, and was about to ask him who they were, but she dind’t have time for they were already there. The girl glared at Keri and she felt her arms moved to her side. The guy didn’t let go of her waist though. He just pulled her closer.

“Who the hell are you?” The girl demanded, Keri felt her whole body tense up in defense.

“Amber, what are you doing here?” The guy demanded from behind Keri.

“I was sent her to get you, Ryder, your father wont be happy when I have to report to him how I found you.” Amber hissed, “Now, let’s go.”

Keri didn’t know what to think, she just stood there, stund. Was this Amber his girlfriend, no she would’ve tried to start something. But Keri had a feeling she liked him, and that this wasn’t going to make Keri’s life any simpler that night. Ryder didn’t make a move to let her go, he just stood there.

“As I told him before, until I have found what I’ve been looking for I’m not coming back.” Ryder said firmly from behind her.

“HA! And you think you are going to find it here!” Amber laughed, “You know just as well as I do that that isn’t going to happen. You have to stick with your own kind.”

“Amber, leave. NOW!” Ryder said in such a firm voice that Keri felt like shrinking. Amber must’ve felt the same way because she backed up.

“Alright, but when your father hears about this. I will feel sorry for the….” Amber didn’t finish her sentence, Keri had a feeling she had received a glare or something from those blue eyes behind her. Amber just spun around and left the two guys following. Keri spun around and looked at him. The anger that shown in his eyes made her step back, at least she wanted to. His grasp on her wouldn’t allow it. When he felt her try to though he looked down at her and his eyes softened.

“Sorry about that.” He smiled,

“What was that about?” She asked as he started to sway to the new song moving her with him.

“Just some family trouble.” He smiled, “I’m sorry you got stuck in the middle of it.” He rested his forehead on her’s and she felt all sense of thought slip away and she gazed into his eyes. The softness she saw there chased away any memory of his anger. She blinked involuntarily and the spell was broken.

“KERI! Let’s go!” A drunken yell sounded over the music. Keri didn’t move though. She didn’t want to. She wanted to stare into his eyes forever.

“Their calling.” He muttered softly.

“I know.” She replied, his lips softly touched her’s again sending her up to cloud nine. When he pulled away she started to protest, but he put his finger on her lips a small smile on his face.

“I’ll see you later.” He smiled kissing her forehead, then turning and leaving. Keri didn’t move for what seemed life forever. Liz finally came over, grabbed her arm, and started pulling. Keri didn’t remember driving back to her apartment all she could remember was his soft lips on her’s. His wonderful eyes, and his last words. Would she really see him again? She slowly laid down in her bed after striping her clothes off and replacing them with a halter top and shorts. There was two weeks until she went home, two weeks until she could ride again, feel free again. Two weeks until there would be no way of Ryder finding her.

The thought made a sad sob choke at her throat. Could she have really found a guy she trusted and completely leave him to never see him again. She shivered and crawled farther down under her covers. She would have to think about something else. Something less depressing, something like the soft kisses Ryder had given her.

(That is all of Chapter 1)


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 2:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I like it.
But I have a few concerns.

Didn't they kind of rush?
Shouldn't there have been a little more detail,
explanation, and bonding between the two
before she fell completely head over heals for
him and the kissing?

But other then that, I had no problem with this.
Good job!(:

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with day tripper. They just start kissing really fast and he gets really possessive pretty fast. And why does Keri trust him so implicitly so fast? Personally, if a guy wouldn't let go of my waist when he is in the middle of a fight with his "relations (?)", I would get pretty angry. My personal space is valuable to me and a stranger doesn't have the right to infringe on it.

"their calling" = "they're calling"

"Their" - belonging to "they"
"They're" - "they" are

Ooh, he says he'll see her again and yet she leaves no contact information... How is he planning on finding her again? Unless it has something to do with this strange "thing" he is a part of.

"striping her clothes" = "stripping her clothes"

Waaay up at the beginning - "but she dind't have time" = "...didn't..."

Anyway, nice stuff. My biggest critique would be how fast their relationship is moving. I would think there needs to be a little more bonding before even a single kiss, let alone the smooching that is going on in this part.

But it was nice. Again, I look forward to reading more.

*thumbs up*

Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 2:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, before I add anymore, I'll be putting a revision up. First I have to write it so I might be gone for a bit. Razz. Thanks for your crits and ideas. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey. Just wanted to put in my own two bits. I thought that this was an interesting addition. My only problem with it was as GryphonFledgling said: the relationship is moving too fast. They only just met and they're already kissing? Unless they're drunk or something, I find it unbelievable.

Otherwise I'm interested to see where you're going with this. Be waiting for your next addition.

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This thread was created on March 27, 2008

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