Topic ID: 27765
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Rakun
Junior Writer
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Age: 20
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Country: USA
318 Points
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 Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:02 am Post subject: Flor's Photo |
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Ok, I am not sure if I posted correctly.
P.s: My cousin name is Flor.
P.s, p.s: I wrote it for my class, now I edited it for you because I like it.
P.s, p.s, p.s: Ok!, this was a descriptive paragraph, morphed in a "prose" inspired by the muse.
Ok?, let's go!
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Flor’s photo
The peaceful girl playing her guitar in her room is my cousin Flor. Her curly hair seems dark like one night without a moon in Chicago. My cousin playing her guitar sat down on the blue bed. Flor, who is studying graphic design in Mexico, wrote a song for her family. She is moving her fingers around on the guitar. Flor, playing passionless, began to create music. She played me a song when I was visiting her. I gave a book about guitar to her. Flor, inspired by the musical mood, wrote her name over the guitar. She has felt love for music and design graphic since many years ago. She is playing her guitar or designing graphics which amaze me. I chose her picture because she is special to me. |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
Epic Novelist
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Country: somewhere in America
768 Points
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:35 am Post subject: |
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At the moment, I don't think you posted this in the right forum. It's just a paragraph. Nothing about it really screams "POEM!" to me. You could, however, turn this into a poem. Rearrange the information in a way that is interesting and original. Include some line breaks and stanzas that make sense and are fairly consistent. I'll take my favorite line and make it a little more poetic so you get the idea:
Her curly hair is dark
like a moonless night
in Chigago.
If you want to make this a poem, you probably could. Keep writing!  |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:52 am Post subject: |
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I'm argeeing, this is clearly not a poem, but it really can be one. Just put the words into stanzas, and bam! you'll have a poem. I can't wait to read this when this is a poem. Best wishes!  |
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GryphonFledgling
How you've turned my world, you precious thing...
Novelist
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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I agree that this is not formatted like a poem, but if you were to edit that, I can see this being a great piece of work.Very nice descriptions. Just put some line breaks in and so and and so forth and you have a really nice poem.
You sound like you have an awesome cousin. She should be glad she has a cousin like you, who will write about her. *is a bit jealous*
Welcome to YWS! I hope to see you around the site more!
~GryphonFledgling |
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