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Kix39
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 Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:30 am Post subject: Who Do you want to be? |
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Please review this piece of work, I worked really hard on it and please tell me what you think, or else I don't know how I did!
My Poem
When you want to be someone else,
Just stop and think of how life's fair.
Chances are someone wants to be you,
Because of your eyes, ears or hair.
But just remember this
"You are who you are,
You do what you do."
And that's all you need just to be you! |
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lluvialover
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:40 am Post subject: |
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this poem has a great moral message. I really like it, but it didn't have a beat or some kind of rhythm to it. When you just read it, it sounds more like a pargraph. Although, the last 3 lines sound perfect =)
great job! |
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Cade
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:42 am Post subject: |
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(Hey mentor-buddy! Nice to see you posting! A suggestion: Don't put a plea for critiques in the post, and don't put your poem in bold! If you want to change that stuff, there's a little edit button near the top of the post.)
The poems strikes me as a little Dr. Seuss-ish. In that I mean that it's structurally sound...you don't have major rhythm or rhyming issues that plague a lot of the similar poems on the site, but the poem as a whole is still simplistic and childish; it doesn't have a lot of depth to it. The intended meaning is set forth in the form of a "moral" at the end of the piece. It doesn't leave very much to the reader, know what I mean?
So for the "genre" of poem this is, it's decent. I am impressed that you have no huge, blaring issues with the rhyme. But if you were going for something a little more sophisticated, it's not even remotely close.
-Colleen |
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MidnightVampire
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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I liked this, it gave a really good message about how everyone wants to be someone else, and how they should think... and yeah, I think you get my point. I don't really have anything to say, except it destracted me because it was in bold. Keep writing!
~MV
PS- I liked the line "you are who you are,
you do what you do"
Its really good, whether that was your saying or someone elses, it fit really well in this poem. |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hello I am SimonCowellLuver I really like your ittle poem or story you got here it had a graet message with it and I agree with it totally I really agree with these two lines
"You are who you are,
You do what you do"
you just need a period after do before the quotes ok. But I agree you are who you are and you can't change that. I think this was the best poem i have read. I enjoyed it a lot.
Keep up the good work.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me anytime.
SimonCowellLuver  |
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inndysgirl
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:59 am Post subject: |
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| Just stop and think of how life's fair. |
either you need to stop this line right after 'stop' or put in a comma to add emphasis
| Quote: |
| but it didn't have a beat or some kind of rhythm to it. When you just read it, it sounds more like a pargraph. |
i agree with lluvialver it does need a rhythm. in order to ad this think about where your emphasis is and keep an even meter in mind as you work |
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casey_kent
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:01 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it. IT has a nice message. But maybe you can come up with a better title to it so that people will be convinced to take a look at it. |
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Cade
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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| inndysgirl wrote: |
| Quote: |
| Just stop and think of how life's fair. |
either you need to stop this line right after 'stop' or put in a comma to add emphasis
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Actually, inndysgirl, the line is correct without the comma. And is emphasis needed? |
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Zalex
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 12:10 am Post subject: |
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Great message/point! I love this poem! I didn't really see anything wrong so I don't have a critique!
Great Work!
Zalex |
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banana_baby_16
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 12:58 am Post subject: it was good alex |
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I love it...it makes me feel happy about myself...that somebody wants to be me (even though thats imposible) and because its imposible i'm sad and somebody in Italy who has a good body and a great boyfriend has people looking up to her.....
sad sad sad,
banana_baby_16 (lucie)
PS: I still love the story even though it makes me sad about myself |
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Kenpachi Masamune
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: |
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A moral message yes, but this seems to be prose rather then poetry. Using a quote is also in support of the prose judgment for me as well. Just because it appears like a poem, a poem it does not make. Commas and periods seem to separate the lines as they would in prose, but the pause after the period is much longer in poetry. Even commas themselves should not come up too often either.
It was good, but I am pretty sure this is not the definition of poetry, but rather prose. |
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