Topic ID: 27142
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: Kidnapped : Progress Journal |
 |
|
Cool things about Kidnapped:
1) It's my first try at romance
2) My friends all loved it.
3) I wrote the entire thing (minus a few pages) in class (chemistry, physics, philosophy) and managed to get 85+ in all those classes.
4) It's based off a dream and the first time I managed to write out a story after daydreaming the plot out in my head
5) First time I finished a 'novel'
Not so cool things about Kidnapped
After setting it down (due to a lack of will to type up all 240+ pages), I realized it is actually pretty bad.
1) I am unhappy with one of the scenes, which makes no sense at all on a zillion levels and which could pose an issue since removing it changes the whole plot afterwards.
2) My characters are either stereotypical, or unrealistic, or plain flat.
Plot
Lara, who is bored of a normal life, gets kidnapped one night by a bunch of burglars. Realizing ransom is more trouble than they thought, they leave Lara in the hands of Michael, a rather cold and emotionless young man who takes her to his uncle Rob. Forced to live in their attic with no hopes of getting home, Lara becomes very depressed until Michael finally takes responsibility for her. Under his care, she recovers some of her strength and charges herself with the task of preying off the blank emotionless mask of her captor and discovering the personality underneath. But, as she learns, reaching out to someone like Michael may well end up being the biggest mistake of her life.
^That there, is a bad synopsis. And it only applies to the first 'book'. There are actually 3, each more dramatic than the first. =P
Plan
With the help of YWS, I'd like to go through this story and make it work. It will take a great deal of effort, since a lot of the issues are with characters themselves, but I think it can be done. *wishes she wasn't seriously considering just changing the characters personalities to fit the plot* >_>
This journal will, sadly, start off as a rant about the issues with the original (which I am posting on YWS). It will then move into the 'fix it' stages where I find solutions to the issues raised through ranting.
^_^ Keek! |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
Problems with Lara
1) She starts off 'bored with her life'. I think this might be very cliche, though it's something real that I'd think happens all the time.
2) She doesn't actually ever 'fall' for Micheal. She sort of warm up to him friendwise, then avoids him like the plague after the incident, then warms up to him again and only in a moment of (so it feels to me) unexpected chage of heart falls for him. Which is all wrong because then she mopes over him sending her home as if her heart is broken and does all sorts of reckless things in the name of being with him followed by complete shut down when he dumps her. Definitely wasn't built up right.
3) Her personality is inconsistant. Which is bad, since this is all first person.
4) I think she was actually 16 in plot. =P
Problems with Micheal
1) He starts of 'blank', with an intense 'souless' gaze that unnerves Lara quite a bit. In truth (never revealed properly in plot) he was neglected as a child and withdrew into himself, doing as his uncle told him and never trying to developp any sense of individuality. This, I think, bugs me because I feel like he needs a personality, especially since I never managed to reveal his little history. It also makes him awkward to work with, since he is very monoslylabic for the first half of the story, and then of course there's the incident which makes him seem like a mental case--which he kind of is. In the sense of 'has a child's grasp of human relationship's kinda mental issue. Problem much?
2) Oh, that and his orignal reason for liking Lara is that she is the first person to ever reach out to him, so she gets a nice pedestal in his heart. >_> I think that's not the greatest reason.
Problems Rob
1) The angry uncle. Always pissed off about something. Always grouchy. He has 'connections'. >_> Kind of boring, no?
Problems with Lara's friends.=_= Let's not even go there. One of her friends is 'the quiet one', one is the 'tom-boy', one is the 'goofy' one and her boyfriend (ex, after she gets back and dumps him) is the 'possessive and kinda reminds of me Jacob Black' one.
Oh, did I mention the diluded psychologist who is intent on having Micheal for herself and uses her sessions with him to manipulate his way of thinking (which is morally underdevelopped due to his uncle being so into crime and him being so disconnected) so he'll pick her?
Oh the joys of characters. |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
The typing
So, I have posted the first two chapters of Kidnapped. There are a few things I've noticed/confirmed about how I type up things that I've done by hand.
Unlike when I 'revise' something already types, I tend to edit as I go and change elements a lot. Proof: Lars is supposed to have shoes and have walked to Rob's house, but I thought ot mysef: now how the hell did she get shoes on? So, Lara has no shoes and I decided to put her on gravel because--as a romance--something needs to happen. Thus, Michael carries Lara potato sac style. This means I ad-libbed a lot of the chapter... and people seemed to like it. Yay me.
Another thing, I have officially changed Lara's personality. Because of my ad-libbing she is a rather humorous character suddenly.
Lara
Lara has watched one too many movies, and as a result wished she had a more interesting life. She prays every day, though how much faith she actually has is yet to be seen. A little funny and a little cynical, she has a way of stepping out of reality and going narration style on everyone. She is completely oblivious about romance, having settled for a 'cute' relaitonship with her kind of boyfriend.
Michael
HATE HIM. Chocoholic (bless her soul) has given me an idea. She doesn't like the 'tall dark and handsome' thing. (though in my head, Michael is just big, and not all that handsome) Now, I would like Michael to be original, but I also want to shy away from my preferred personality.
So. Michael is anti-social. His parents weren't great parents, showing more love to their pet dog than their own son. He always tried to get close to the dog, but it was aggressive towards him and as a result he felt a great amount of loneliness. Michael is not violent. His parents were murdered before his eyes, so he has an aversion to violence. However, he works in the crime business for his uncle.
Speaking of his uncle, why? Hmm. Original Michael just did whatever he was told. Actually, that could still work. *think* Okies. Micheal, through his upbringing, does what people (caretaker) want him to do, as a means of gaining some sort of approval which he has a deep desire for. He doesn't much know how to connect on an individual level, and comes across as monosyllabic from a lack of desire to say more than is needed.
Twist? He learned to look menacing to avoid people bugging him, but secretly enjoys bullying people.
Hmm... so... flat!! >.< *goes of to weep for the lack of ability to make her male characters interesting* |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Heidigirl666
Praise the FSM and His noodly appendage
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 25 Feb 2008
Posts: 461
Reviews: 53
Country: Switzerland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It's perfectly normal to get to the end of your novel and realise it's absolutely awful.
That's what editing is for.  Editing is all about pulling out all the best bits and making something good out of your bad first draft.
There are several good quotes that comes to mind that sum it up so just perfectly. I like quotes, because quite often other people have said something in a much better way than you could ever manage.
| Quote: |
You must learn to overcome your very natural and appropriate revulsion for your own work.
William Gibson |
| Quote: |
| You write to communicate to the hearts and minds of others what's burning inside you. And we edit to let the fire show through the smoke. ~Arthur Polotnik |
I like the sound of the plot. I hope you manage to be more satisfied with it once you've edited. |
_________________
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Chapter 1 & 2 Suggestions
1) Go back, explain how she got kidnapped
2) Define the robbers better
3) More emotions. The character should be terrified, confused, bewildered
4) Try describing her surroundings more, as well as how she feels (physical)
5) Escape attempt?
6) No TV, rethink how they would treat a hostage.
7) Rethink how she reacts to M.
Update list
JFW1415
Izzyeyore
cat4prowl
ashleylee
chocoholic ( Who doesn't like romances, so I shall feel special to have this name here XD) |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use!
Last edited by Sleeping Valor on Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:31 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sam
starface
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4920
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
446 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Eeergh...that sounds like a tough list.  Those "put yourself in these situations" strategy is usually effective, but that doesn't mean that it's not a pain in the butt to pull off.
I should read this...it looks like a lot of fun! I can't promise anything immediate, but I'll get to it as soon as I can. ^_^ |
_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
*hugs all her reviewers!*
So, while sitting in philosophy class today (I think I do the most writing/thinking in that class =P), I came up with a hopefully brilliant idea on how to fix most of my problems. In fact, I am extremely excited about this new plot and (since I am smart) I will be typing it instead of writing it out by hand. ^_^
The only problem, is I have realized I now don't know how to build up the romantic tension. At all. It kind of builds, then kills itself. Can't be helped. I'll figure it out.
*goes off to write* |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, can you add me to that update list? I actually kinda like the story, despite it being in the Romance section.
Get rid of the TV!? Oh, c'mon, it was funny! You could have had her sitting around all day watching TV, and then her captors joined her and they wouldn't do anything except watch TV because the TV was magical and had them under it's spell so all they could do was watch TV.
I'll stop now. |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I borrowed a laptop at school and started typing this. But I have run into a dilema. =P Since the MC is telling her own story, I have three choices:
1) First person : looking back (after all is said and done, the MC has decided to share their story). This would mean the narration would have an older voice, and lets me add some elements such as foreshadowing, time jumps, etc.
2) First person: narration. Just the normal past tense but as it happens narration. Like third person, just first. =P
3) First person: diary. The narration would be more emotional, I guess, since the MC would still be close to the thoughts and emotions they had.
Here's the first style, anyways. I'm going to try writing this first section in all three styles and seeing how I like it.
----------------------------------------
You know how you always hear people say you can use duct ape for everything? It’s true. Though the saying didn’t hit home for me until the day it was used to blind, bind and gag me.
It’s amazing, but I can barely remember my life before that day. It’s as if I started living that day, in that trunk.
Ironic, isn’t it? My life started the day I thought I was going to die.
When I try and find the beginning, the first thing that comes to my mind is this: I could hear them laughing.
Pretty bad for a beginning, huh? But it’s the first conscious observation I can remember making. But I guess, for the purpose of this account, I should go back to just before the trunk, not that it’s hard to figure out how I got in there.
I was walking home—for the first time, actually. My parents had been saving for a long time so we could move out of our apartment and into a real house. And by just, I mean that I was on my way back from buying groceries to put in our new fridge. The place felt pretty empty, all in all, since we’d lived in a pre-furnished apartment and all.
I don’t know why they picked me. Was it because my hands were full? Because of the sort of blank look I had while I tried to absorb my new home? I the end, it doesn’t matter. But in that trunk, I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I’d done wrong with my life to deserve it being ended at 16.
They grabbed me as I walked through the catwalk our new neighbours had said was a shortcut to the shopping centre. I didn’t hear them as they came up behind me, but I could smell the alcohol on their breath when the one who grabbed me first clamped his hand over my mouth.
I fought back, but I’ve never been a fighter. And against three college boys, I stood no chance. They taped my mouth and eyes shut, then my hands and feet. The next thing I knew, I was being carelessly carried and shoved into what sounded like the trunk of a car. It was over before I had a chance to think.
I tried to scream, I kicked my legs, and I fought the bonds. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t think; I just wanted to get out. But after a while, the energy drained away from me and I was left alone wit my thoughts.
I could hear them laughing. I was scared. |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use!
Last edited by Sleeping Valor on Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:12 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
AHHHHHH!
=_= School. Hates. Me.
I shouldn't complain too much, I didn't do ANYTHING this past weekend and for the most part (despite my ability to maintain a 90 average) I rarely do any work. Stupid language classes and biology.
But look! I got some lovely comments on what I've got up so far, and from some of the reactions I am very tempted to continue typing up the original version, especially since I haven't found the time to work on the new one. |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
TNCowgirl
Princess of Storybooks and Queen of DTWH!!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 5700
Reviews: 99
Country: USA
1636 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| WHOA!!! You should continue on both. They are both good!!!!! |
_________________
Christ Paris: A guy the world gave up on. The plane he was flying disappeared Nov. 1 of this year. A few days ago the searchers gave up the search. May he prove everyone wrong and still be alive.
Vist my world and make it bigger!
Want a Readers crit??? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Insomnia
The meaning of life is stuck to your shoe!
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 489
Reviews: 201
Country: New Zealand
275 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Kidnapped sounds great, just by reading the journal. I'll have to take a look at it sometime. And I have a story about a kidnapping somewhere, more of a novella. I'll have to find it. Thanks for inspiring me. |
_________________
The artist formerly known as Insanityabounds. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Update?
I keep trying to work on DoaV, but it's not working. Fantasy is so complicated. =_=
On the other hand, Kidnapped keeps calling me to start working on it again. After hunting around for a zillion days, I managed ot find my first draft (written by hand, in three notebooks =P).
I'm not sure if I will type up the original, or just start working on the new version right away. Hmm.
Either way, I think I will make Kidnapped my project for the summer. ^_^ Romance is annoyingly easy to do. I'm such a sap.
A bit about the new plot!
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Lara is kidnapped by a bunch of drunk kids out to scare the new girl in the neighborhood, but things go horribly wrong when a fight breaks out between her tormentors and one ends up dead.
I will have to tread lightly, because the new plot is (in some respects) a lot more heavy than the original due to the constant presence of an antagonist. Int he first, Michael and Rob were the only ones she intereacted with... and besides being grumpy Rob wasn't all that bad (since Lara's humorous monologuing made him a lot more lovable).
Also, since Lara starts off very scared, as oposed to freaked out, it will be hard for me to start off with my usual funny tone, and difficult to find a way of transitioning Lara from scared to 'okay', since she is suposed to be in a state of constant stress. Hmm.
Anyways, I am off to work on that. I will (I have decided) type up a few pages of the original each day along with my Writer's craft homework! That way I will have it on computer eventually.
^_^ Keek! |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
Character sheets.
...
Why did nobody tell me about character sheets?!?
I was reading my Writer's Craft lesson on characterization, and they were saying how a lot of writers write out all the detail about their characters so they get to know them. So off I go and google an empty character sheet since I'm not sure what questions to answer. Then, I find one!
I just finished the character sheet for Greg. Originally, in my mind, Greg was a slightly insane (due to having killed someone) character who causes Lara a lot of stress since he is determined not to let her escape back home.
But now that's changed!
A quick look at Greg
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Greg has spent his entire life being on ignored child while his older, 'perfect' brother has been put on a pedestal. He is optimistic however, because he plans to get away from his parents and his brother with his musical talent. This all goes wrong when one of his brother's 'talks' drives him to start being more reckless thna usual. He drinks with his friends and plays double dare. The game quickly escalates, leading to Lara's kidnapping. When he kills Benny, who is in fact his good friend, he panics.
I'm very pleased, because Greg had gotten a new dimension. He's actually a character you can easily pity once you get to know him. And if Lara manages that it would give the story an extra twist, since she'll eventually have to choose between condeming him and forgiving him.
|
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
