Topic ID: 27710
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HiMyNameIs
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300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 8:14 pm Post subject: An Unfinished Poem |
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Can’t You See?
I look at you,
You turn your head,
You tie your shoe
As if I’m dead-
If but you knew.
Why I look,
I can’t explain-
The glance I took,
Without a brain-
An open book.
Can’t you feel,
Can’t you see
You’re everything to me?
Your golden hair
Is what I prize,
Not what you wear-
Your deep blue eyes-
That lonely stare.
Although I try,
You remain blind,
I don’t know why
I can’t change your mind-
My heart will die.
Can’t you see, can’t you feel
A cut from you will never heal?
All I can do I
Is think about
How much I love you-
My love devout
Would carry us through
Why can’t you hold me near?
Why can’t you love me dear?
Can’t you see me
And you-together
Sitting by the sea?
A blue sky-Fair weather
Wouldn’t we be free?
But it can’t be this way
For as the days go,
I know you won’t stay.
And I’ll cry
As you walk away.
Why can’t you see?
Why can’t you see? |
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Angel of Death
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Country: Where the way to exist is to love
854 Points
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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| This was beautiful and with a little more work it could be breathtaking. Please finish this has potential. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:38 pm Post subject: |
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This poem doesn't have any... love behind it. I mean, you say the word and it's obvious that there's some sort of physical attraction between the narrator and the girl, but any romance seems... flat.
Instead of focusing on cliched images, like golden hair being your desire, yada yada, then maybe you talk about why that golden hair is so special? Does the narrator watch the girl twirl her hair endlessly with her finger or something. But individual details would really make this a bit more special. So personalize it. Right now, it's hugely cliched and unromantic. |
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omgafilangi
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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This has RHYME SCHEME written all over it. When writing a rhyming poem that should never be the case. The rhyme needs to sort of sneak up on you, and not just be thrown in your face from the get-go. I have a feeling you know what you want to say, but you haven't conveyed any of the emotions on paper yet (or, as the case may be, on screen). I want you to rewrite this poem, but write it without any rhyme. Just get your emotions on paper first. Let it all out. Then when you have the raw feeling you want, organize it so it has some substance (still no rhyming, though) and can be understood by others. Hopefully that'll help.
Good luck, and welcome to YWS! |
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Kix39
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300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it allot. It was really touching, but maybe just go farther than just rhyming, like look up more complicated words and rhyme them. At some times I felt like too much punctuation. |
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LOST
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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| This was kind of cliche and a little simple, but I really liked it. It flowed nicely, and you could really feel the emotion behind it. As someone a few posts up said though, it seems to be only physical attraction...it may be meant that way, but I get the feeling it's not. Maybe you could add some more about who she is rather than just how she looks. Give her more of a character. Nicely done. |
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lilprincessruth9
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: |
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| That was powerful. It was really good. It was very touching. Great job! |
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Kepe
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 3:52 am Post subject: |
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| I have to agree with Snoink. It seems a bit... fake. Maybe this is due to the fast paced rhythm, or the slumber like rhyme scheme. All in all it just lacks a bit of heart. |
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HiMyNameIs
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks everybody for responding. It's the first love poem I've ever written. I'm probobly going to come out with verson 2.0 tomorrow. Thanks for the advice!  |
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MisaAmane
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it!
it was pretty good!
I thought I found a mistake. O.o;
but I guess I messed up.
it was just a clever rhyme!
good job! |
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