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A Nail in the Butt Could Drive You Nuts
A Nail in the Butt Could Drive You Nuts

by Nolan in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on February 10, 2008
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Los Malos (chapter 2)
Los Malos (Chapter 3)
Los Malos (Chapter 4)
Los Malos (Chapter 5)

Los Malos
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:24 am    Post subject: Los Malos Reply with quote

If you've been to a public high school, you know how scary those kids can be. But how many of you have been to a public high school on the West Side? And how many of you have been to one so close to Los Angeles? It's a terror. Here are the high schools that are built like prisons, with security mesh glass and cinderblock walls and reinforced metal doors. These are the schools that have serious, bloody fights every other week. These are the schools that have bullet holes in the walls. These are the schools that I go to, and the schools that I've met the scariest people...

Los Malos

Chapter 1 (part 1)

Paco stood over the cowering figure, who shrank away with a whimper. “look, kid," he growled. "I can't wait around forever, and people who keep me waiting don't often miss their chance to answer.” He squatted next to him and grabbed his collar, giving him a rough shake. “How—did—they—know?”

The boy sobbed and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I don’t know,” he wailed. "Really, I don't!"

Reiko took a step forward purposefully, and the boy quailed away from his towering form.

Paco didn't even look up. "Look, kid," he said menacingly. "Taylor saw you talking to the principal, and Vanya saw you talking to the cops."

"I didn't tell them!" the boy repeated, desparation in his eyes.

"Oh, so now Vanya and Taylor are liars?" Paco clarified, eyes narrowing. The scar that ran down his face horribly distorted the expression, but somehow, it only made the effect more eerie.

The boy instantly recongized his mistake. "No!" he cried. "I mean, they talked to me, but I didn't--"

Reiko moved forward and dragged the trembling boy to his feet, but before he could lay yet another blow on him, Paco stood and restrained him with a touch on his forearm. “Good enough, amigo,” he said. He turned back to the boy, his eyes hard and cold. "But we don't need kids like you running around blabbing to the cops." The boy's eyes widened, and Paco laughed. "Yeah, it's extreme," he said, "So we'll only let you off with a...souvenior."

Paco took the switchblade from his back pocket and flicked it open with an dangerous swish. The boy squirmed, pleading, but Reiko held him tightly. Paco grabbed the boy’s wrist and set the point of his switchblade on his captive's elbow. In a panic, the boy tried to pull away, but the knife slipped, cutting him deep around the elbow. He cried out and pressed his arm to his shirt, staining it with blood.

Paco stood back and closed the bloody knife, watching with amusement as Reiko let go of the boy. He collapsed to the ground, clutching his elbow in a poor attempt to steep the blood flow.

"That was stupid," Paco sneered, pocketing the knife. "Well, it wasn't my fault, now, was it?"

The boy only sobbed in reply.

“Oh, suck it up, you wimp,” Paco snarled, turning his back. “It’s just a scratch.”

Paco motioned to the rest of the gang to move out. “We're out, then,” he continued. “I’d watch your back tomorrow, though. You’d be lucky to escape us with a scratch and a few bruises.”

“Hold up,” someone called behind him.

Paco turned to see a boy of about sixteen running into the alley, with a thirteen year old girl behind him. The Latino youth cocked an eyebrow and turned to meet them with slitted eyes. “Why? What do you want?”

“We’re newcomers,” the boy said, motioning to himself and the girl. “We want to join.”

Paco glanced them up and down, and he smirked. “Oh, please," he sneered. "You look like you're from, what, Hillsborough? Posh kids always run at the first sign of trouble."

The girl stepped forward, fists clenched, but her anger ebbed slightly when Reiko stepped in her way. She satisfied herself by glaring at Paco. The boy reached for his pocket, but he eventually let his hand fall.

Paco watched them with interest. They obviously had weapons, but they were smart enough to realize this wasn't the best time to reveal them. The Latino stepped forward, very close, until the boy was forced to take a step back. “We’ll see what you're worth,” he said cryptically, placing a piece of paper into the boy’s pocket. “Meet up with us later. No weapons, no friends. We'll be watching long before you show up, so anything shady, and it's off. If you’re lucky. And, as a warning, the last person who stood us up was hunted down and lost a few fingers."

“We’ll be there,” The boy said firmly.

“Great,” Paco said with a satisfied nod. “We'll get out of here, then. Don't follow, or you'd wish you were this bastard.” He kicked at the sobbing figure, catching him in the ribs and sending him sprawling. The gang leader looked back with a cold sneer. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that he turned, and the gang moved off, leaving the boy, the girl, and the unfortunate figure alone in the alley.

NEXT CHAPTER'S UP!!! YAY!!! http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post306269.html#306269

Thank you all soo very much!!!!


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Last edited by ~Volant~ on Sat Feb 23, 2008 7:20 am; edited 9 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm... Interesting beginning.

You don't really learn much about the characters in this, however. You can take your time, make it longer, and flesh them out. It would make the reader care about them a little bit more and want to continue reading.

Not that I advocate swearing, but it seems to me that if the school were really as rough as it seems, there would be stronger language used. Again, not that I say that swearing is a good thing, but if you are going to create the atmosphere of callousness that you appear to be trying to, you might want to consider peppering it with a few obscenities. I mean, you have blood already.

Last thing: you should put some spaces in between your paragraphs and dialogue

(like this:

the first paragaph

"dialogue"

second paragraph)

so that it is easier to read. As is, it is one big chunk of text that is really hard to separate visually. It puts the online reader off.

But anyway, great job on your story. Good luck continuing it!

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Omg, I didn't realize i didn't do that! Shocked head/desk

*changes that little thing Very Happy*

Also, there will be swearing later on. I try to avoid that as much as possible.lol

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Volant!

This was a really eye-opening piece--there aren't that many things written about gang members. I read a lot of stuff about high school crushes and dances and drama, but not about high school gangs. ^_~ I also want to applaud you on trying something like this out. Violence is rough! Getting into the head of a so-called "bad guy" is really hard to do, and that's what makes you awesome. Seriously.

A few things I want to touch on, though:

FEAR FACTOR:

In the introduction, you get a lot of this little boy 'cowering' and 'whimpering' and all of that, but you don't really get a sense of why he's doing that.

Why? There's no description of Paco. We don't know why he's intimidating. It's important for us to know why someone is reacting so strongly--heck, I could flip open a switchblade, but I just wouldn't be that intimidating. I'm 5'4" and wimpy-looking, with glasses and braces and all of that. Really scary with a knife? Probably not. You'd think I was kidding. To elicit such a response, Paco's probably pretty tough-looking--and I want to know just how.

Some ideas:

- Is Paco a big guy? Or is he a little guy with a lot of power? [Aside-doesn't Paco mean "big fish"? I'm probably slaughtering my languages here, but...]

- Is Paco infamous?

- Does Paco wear "tough" items of clothing and/or clothing that would cause harm? (jackboots, etc).

BIG MOUTH:

For a gang-fighting streetrat, Paco's pretty eloquent. I would fix this. Why? It's just not believable--he speaks with the fluency and syntax of an Ivy Leaguer, and yet we get the sense that he's, uhm. Not.

"I don't like waiting. I want an answer." would probably be more along the lines of what he might actually say. Keep it short, simple, and not-so-sweet.

__

Thanks for the read, Volant! Drop me a line if you have any questions or have the next part up for critique.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very well written, sadly Sam beat me for any indepth critique. It's intersting but Volant avoiding swearing in a peice like this not a good idea. The school is terrible we understand, we never get any idea really of Paco. Why he the leader? I agree with Sam about his eloquence. He speaks too well. Is Paco hispanic I'm not sure he'd say white trash. It seems more like what a black person would say. Everything is good except of Paco appearance. Even an idea better than nothing. I'd recommend swearing seriously, you've everything else. Keep it up and fix these minor things, just work on description and character development, should be okay.

Good luck
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

haha. I don't really know what Paco means; I only know it's a hispanic nickname for Francisco. lol. Very Happy If it does mean "big fish," I'll probably change that. heh.

Thank you all very, very much!!! I really appreiciate those crits!!!

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice. Is school really like this for some people? Wow! Fights at my school ae really just girls screaming at each other so this is... wow!

I noticed that your dialouge was always followed by a capital. Like this:

Quote:
"Hold up," Someone called behind him.


It should be:

Quote:
"Hold up," someone called behind him.


See? Most of your dialouge was like that.

Now, I wasn't relly frightened byt this, and this is really different to my life. The only tie I see stuff like this is on TV. And thi wasn't scary. I think you need more description, and to work on what your characters are saying. Paco is very... not descriptive, but he talks like a normal person would. And as if this is the everyday. Does that explain anything?

Overall, it's very good and I can't wait to read more.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:15 am    Post subject: Re: Los Malos Reply with quote

~Volant~ wrote:

The boy sobbed and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I don’t know,” he wailed. “I don’t know who turned him in!”


Hrm. Here the kid says more than he needs to. I realise that "who turned him in" is an important piece of information, but I think it's more than the kid would say, if he's really freaked out he'll clam up at the second "I don't know" perhaps that info could be placed later. Do we even need to know why he's harassing him yet? Could be for any reason. ^^ It exhibits their power nicely though.

~Volant~ wrote:

Paco didn't even glance at Reiko.


The repetition of "Reiko" jars here. Perhaps "up" would be a better term?

~Volant~ wrote:

Reiko moved forward and dragged the trembling boy to his feet, but before he could lay yet another blow on him,


I think here you should delete the "yet" it implies we've seen the other blows. We can assume they've hit him, but we haven't seen it.

~Volant~ wrote:

He grabbed the boy’s wrist and slashed a gash into the back of this forearm. The boy screamed and new tears gushed down his face as he grasped the wound. Reiko let go of him, and the boy collapsed to the ground, sobbing in pain.


Here Paco just slashes him, right? Well, wouldn't he jerk? I think you could have a movement where the kid tries to jerk back, making it worse? Also, he grasps his wound before he's let go. That seems more than slightly odd, considering that Reiko is meant to be holding him tight.

~Volant~ wrote:

Paco turned to see a boy of about sixteen running into the alley, with a thirteen year old girl behind him. Paco cocked an eyebrow and turned to meet them with slitted eyes. “Why? What do you want?”


The second "Paco" isn't needed, "he" would work better here.

~Volant~ wrote:

“We’re newcomers,” the boy said, motioning to him and the girl. “We want to join.”


"Him" should be "himself"

~Volant~ wrote:

The girl rushed forward, hands curled into fists. Even when Reiko stepped between her and Paco, she didn’t stop. She would’ve tried to take on the bulky gang member had the boy not run after her and pulled her back.


This is rather run on, as a paragraph. Separate the incidents at "Paco watched" making it a real new paragraph. The first section goes into past tense all of a sudden, and it all seems very odd. Perhaps describe the girl attacking. The sounds and the sight of her flinging herself at the larger man. ^^

~Volant~ wrote:

The gang leader turned back with a cold sneer. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that he turned, and the gang moved off, leaving the boy, the girl, and the unfortunate figure alone in the alley.


The repetition of "turned" here jars. Perhaps "signaled" - indicating he tells his gang to follow?

I like this, and I’ll be interested to read the rest. Nice work Vol. ^^

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 7:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, Volant! I'll try not to repeat anything people said, but I can't promise, unfortunately. *is tired* Anyway!

Quote:
Paco stood over the cowering figure, [no comma?] who shrank away with a whimper. “look Look, kid," he growled. "I can't wait around forever, and people who keep me waiting don't often miss their chance to answer.”


Quote:
Reiko took a step forward purposefully, and the boy quailed away from his towering form.


That was a clunky adverb, so I just deleted it. Without it, it's kind of a given that it was on purpose? Confused

Quote:
"But we don't need kids like you running around, blabbing to the cops." The boy's eyes widened, and Paco laughed. "Yeah, it's extreme," he said, "So so we'll only let you off with a...souvenior."


Quote:
Paco took the switchblade from his back pocket and flicked it open with an a dangerous swish.


Quote:
The boy sobbed and squirmed, pleading, but Reiko held him firmly, and Paco didn’t even waver.


Deleting that makes Paco sound more scary. Laughing

Quote:
Paco motioned to the rest of the gang to move out. “We're out, then,” he continued.


Replace something with something to rid yourself of repetition. ^_^

Quote:
Paco turned to see a boy of about sixteen running into the alley, [no comma] with a thirteen-year-old girl behind him.


Quote:
“We’ll be there,” The the boy said firmly.


Overall, this was very good. I liked it. ^^ You're writing is simple, yet I picture the action very well. The only thing is I don't know what the place looks like? More description possibly?

That's the only thing, and it really didn't hurt me. I had to think hard to tell you that. Laughing

Hope this helped. Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it was good. there was a lot of detail, and good at spacing. that's one thing i am not good at. in the beginning, it was a little hard to follow. but it did get easier to understand-good, though.-jeni
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. Only thing is I would have put some more time between the boy with the cut on the elbow incident and the two kids coming to join the gang.

Also, it isn't clear what the boy tattled on. Or did you mean it to be that way?

All in all, pretty good. I will read on.

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I for one agree with KJ. Not very clear what they pesky kid told on about them. I like your word choice and all. And with the cliffhanger? Love it! Nice effect to leave your reader hanging there. Very nice.

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