Topic ID: 27702
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 3896
Reviews: 363
Country: somewhere in America
391 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: The Fall |
 |
|
In arrogance I walk,
glancing at houses
adorned with snow
instead of watching
the slippery legions
taking over the path.
Friction loses
its mighty grip
as gravity drags me
down to bitter ice.
Cool wet spots
on my jeans
mark my defeat
as I rise again.
I continue
on the path,
this time keeping
one eye on the ground. |
_________________
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Got YWS?
"Whoever said senior year was easier than junior year lied through their teeth" A friend of mine
Last edited by niteowl on Sat Apr 05, 2008 8:54 pm; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
Master of the Forum
Age: 20
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 1818
Reviews: 284
Country: England
1501 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 6:15 pm Post subject: Re: The Fall |
|
|
"Friction loses
its mighty grip,
as gravity drags me
down to bitter ice."
^^ This stanza made me smile. I don't know if you wanted it to be amusing, but it amused me. This was my favourite stanza.
I wonder if there is a deeper meaning in this poem. The way I interpret it, the speaker is arrogant and careless, but by the end of the poem he or she has realised that there are some things stronger or mightier than him or her, and that he/she is not invincible. (I say he/she because I know you are female but for some reason when I read the poem I felt like the narrator was a guy. Sorry if it's actually you  .)
Talking about the scenery at the beginning left me a little lost, as I wanted to know where you were and what you were looking at - is it beautiful scenery, or are you walking through town? Apart from that, good job. I liked it. |
_________________
Matt.
Get your poetry critiques here!
Have I given you a helpful critique? Clicky here! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Adnamarine
My name is Jonas
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 12 Jan 2007
Posts: 575
Reviews: 118
Country: What are you, my stalker?
972 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Oh, I like this very much:)
I have to say, I agree with Matt Bellamy about her favorite stanza:) I'm not sure why... *shrugs*
I almost think it wouldn't hurt to make this longer. I like the beginning, but the 'climax,' where they/you fall seems too short. Maybe describe it more? Like, how it feels when they fall? Something like that.
And I agree with Matt about describing the scenery too.
But yes, I really liked this:) |
_________________
@(^_^)@
Got YWS?
Dwight: Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kix39
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 24 Mar 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 10
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I like it. I don't know what to say though, I kept on thinking that it ment more than what it really said...
hmmm
Kix39 |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8355
Reviews: 2093
Country: USA
3532 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
| The second stanza is definitely the best. Yay for physics! But... the others lack something. Try injecting less information of the narrator and see what happens. |
_________________
Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
|
| Back to top |
|
GryphonFledgling
As the world falls down...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 735
Reviews: 459
Country: Underground
710 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hehe... Sounds like my experience ice skating last year. I fell quite a lot that night. I was better by the end, but certainly was suffering from a bruised pride.
I don't know what, but this poem just seems to be missing something. You have a great set up here, maybe you could expand on it? Maybe more of the arrogance and then the humbleness that follows?
In any case, I liked your poem. Very nice job. I loved how it maybe had a deeper meaning than the one on the surface?
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling |
_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me
Jareth/Sarah shipper... |
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 725
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
210 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Nice. Very nicely written. I won't to read more pretty please!  |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Flemzo
Now With 50% More Flem!!
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 410
Reviews: 134
Country: United States
375 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: Re: The Fall |
|
|
All I have to say about this poem is that it's clever. I didn't really like it, but I admire the cleverness of it. Just a couple of things I noticed:
| niteowl wrote: |
...instead of watching
colonies of ice... |
Add "the" between "watching" and "colonies".
| Quote: |
Friction loses
its mighty grip,
as gravity drags me
down to bitter ice. |
I think it would be smoother as "Friction loses its mighty grip. Gravity drags me down to bitter ice."
| Quote: |
I continue
on the path
this time keeping
one eye on the ground. |
Comma after path, and you're good to go.
Like I said, it was clever, but I wasn't too fond of it. But great job anyway. |
_________________
"How strange life is. How fragile. You never know what stunning development lies around the next corner."
-- From The Corner Of His Eye, by Dean Koontz |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 799
Reviews: 486
Country: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. We wave the Red, White, and Blue...well you get it.
2094 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello...yes I enjoyed this very much. It was very interesting and I agree with the first comment that this is my favorite stanza:
| Quote: |
Friction loses
its mighty grip,
as gravity drags me
down to bitter ice. |
It just has feeling to it. I'm not sure how to explain why I like it. I just do.
Besides that, I find no fault in this. I feel this is a very good poem! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
KJ
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 536
Reviews: 413
Country: USA
87 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Maybe it was just me, but I would have liekd it better if you had used the word 'ice' only once.
Other than that, I liked it. Wasn't bad. |
_________________
There are no original ideas, just original voices.
-Unknown |
|
| Back to top |
|
Uo
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 36
Reviews: 25
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| i liked it alot...just don't got a clue of what to say to you......but keep it up though....^^ |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Tag
Writer
Gender:
Age: 99
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 85
Reviews: 36
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Heyhey
I really like this. I agree with some of the others, it would be better if it was a bit longer.
I especially like the way you've used powerful words for simple everyday things, like 'mighty grip', and 'mark my defeat', it has a nice effect.
I also quite like the way you've put it together, starting with 'in arrogance I walk' to 'keeping one eye on the ground', I think because of this your poem can be interpreted in many different ways.
I think it's a great start, but it needs a little more so that it's not so blunt. Keep up the good work  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Maki-Chan
Roar!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 1802
Reviews: 214
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
| hkrtikshfkjewheruio4rhngbwjieberkr eruguhrfhgejireinfnngjnk eijifgjivfgjkerl |
_________________
Everybody has problems, but the ones who deal with them instead of complain are the ones who'll change the world- by: me ^_^
go to http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/name_generator.php for stuff ^_^ |
|
| Back to top |
|
Piranha
Novice
Gender:
Age: 23
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 10
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 2:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
I'm a big fan of existential poetry, and this is no exception! It reminds me of an Aesop's life lesson a la fairytale, and I'm a huge fan.
I only have a few minor suggestions for this little ditty.
| Quote: |
In arrogance I walk,
looking at scenery
instead of watching
colonies of ice
taking over the path.
Friction loses
its mighty grip,
as gravity drags me
down to bitter ice. |
Your two descriptions of the ice aren't entirely cohesive. The ice resembles a colony, yet is bitter. When I think colony, my associations include things like settlement, unobtrusive, resourceful people, persistence. That being said, 'colony' is not a bad adjective for the ice-- on the path, it is similar to persistent little settlements that are taking over the area. But now bitter doesn't really work. I don't generally associate colonies with bitterness unless they're under oppression.
That being said, bitter is also a good adjective for ice. If you want to keep bitter, I would change 'colonies' to something like squadrons, brigades, battalions, legions-- something that is more likely to be familiar with bitterness. Otherwise, by keeping colony, you're not really justifying why the ice is bitter, and so the description becomes kind of flaky and unsubstantial.
If you keep 'colonies,' change 'bitter' to something that's more relevant to a colony.
| Quote: |
| looking at scenery |
Looking is kind of, well, boring. ;) Because your poem is so short, it's best to use words that are as packed with as much imagery and meaning as possible. I suggest
perusing if the speaker is your average bloke
gawking if the speaker is a bit of an amateur/klutz
leering if the speaker is pompous and haughty
Ah, the power of connotation!
Lastly, it would be nice if you could find a way to avoid the use of 'ice' twice, as previously mentioned by an earlier post. Maybe you could change 'ice' to 'frozen water' in the first stanza. Because this poem is existential, it's okay to be on the scientific, 'unbiased/unpoetic' side.
Hope this helps! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Runawaythoughts
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 50
Reviews: 35
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
In arrogance I walk,
glancing at houses
adorned with snow
instead of watching
sliippery legions
taking over the path. |
watching the slippery legions? add a "the" before slippery, which you put one to many i's in. Also, is legion the right word....?
| Quote: |
Friction loses
its mighty grip
as gravity drags me
down to bitter ice.
|
OKay, you've made a mistake lots of people have been making today. "Friction loses...... its mighty grip......" is that how you want it to sound? it would flow better if you joined those two together, and PLEASE, watch out for where you break your lines. Also, you're missing another "the" this time place it in front of "bitter"
| Quote: |
Cool wet spots
on my jeans
mark my defeat
as I rise again.
I continue
on the path,
this time keeping
one eye on the ground. |
I liked this part. Good job! |
_________________
Read my stories and please review back! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
