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SimonCowellLuver
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 Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: Stand In Rain (Lost in Life) |
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Verse 1
Nobody cares about me
They don’t even need me
I'm all alone and lost in life
I can’t find way out
Of this cell and I want to leave
Chorus
That is why I stand in the rain
So no one can see me crying.
Where I’d go wrong
I’m lost in life
I hate it here
So don’t save my life.
Piano instrumental 20 seconds
Verse 2
Nobody wants me
I don’t care anymore
I find it, hard that,
You don’t understand me
So…
Chorus
That is why I stand in the rain
So no one can see me crying.
Where I’d go wrong
I’m lost in life
I hate it here
So don’t save my life.
Bridge
I can’t stand it
Any more!
I can take the hint.
You don’t want me here now
I guess you’ll never know
Who I am because
You never gave me a chance.
Chorus with Piano and guitar. |
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Last edited by SimonCowellLuver on Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:28 am; edited 1 time in total |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, SCL! What's up?
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| I all alone and lost in life |
I = I'm 
I liked this first stanza. It's great. Yeah... 
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I can’t stand it
No more! |
Um... instead of 'no more' how about 'any more?"
It was a pretty good song; I'd listen to it.  I see that most of your poems are like this. It's like the world is against you. There's nothing wrong with that, mind you, but it's always nice to see a change.
Well, it was a pretty good song. Good job. *thumbs up*
-Jared |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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Aloa SimonCowellLuver,
you start you song off with the line 'Nobody cares about me' and then you go on talking about how unfair life is to you (the lyrical I that is) etc. To write a song that will touch people (That is the goal, if I'm not mistaken.) you have to make people care about the lyrical I (If you work with one.)
You may have noticed that many songs you hear on the radio not only focus the 'I', but also a 'you'. People like to be 'sung to' or listen to a song that tells a story. The lyrics need to touch them just as much as the music does to make it a good song. If you do focus the song on a 'I' then make the listener care.
I don't mean to sound too harsh or anything and I really don't want to tear this appart, but how likely do you think is it that people will care about the lyrical 'I' when the first line of the lyrics is 'Nobody cares about me'?
People are self-centered. They want to hear their own pain in a song and not have someone sing about his own. Write about things that are dying to get out. Write to someone. Tell a story. And if you write from the perspective of an 'I' make people care and feel for the 'I'. The way your song is at the moment people won't, or at least I don't.
Try giving some reasons. Answer some of the why?s. Why is the 'I' in this situation? Why is there no way out? Why does nobody care? And why should I care, if nobody else does?
You also talk about being lost in life and such. Maybe be a little more specific? What's gone wrong?
[/lecture]
I'm sorry for being so harsh... really. I'm working on not using too much 'I' myself. And I basically just went on and on about the same thing. To sum it up: I think you need to give some more answers to the whys, so the listener can relate more easily. Other than that I think it's okay 
PM me if you have any questions.
All the best and happy writing!
~Kalliope |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:27 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the critques I will make sure i will edit |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:09 am Post subject: |
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Hello dear!
I'm afraid this is going to be a little "brutally honest"... don't take it to heart, though. This is entirely a ceitique of your work, and not your personal being, if you know what I mean.
One: I realise this is a song, but I can't quite see it in song form. I can't picture how the words would go, the style or the speed, the tempo. I think that would help in the long run.
Two: You do a lot of redundant repetition. The entire song is about the same thing, just over and over again. We still need some imagery, some fullness to the entire thing. But what we have is a re-hashed set of verses.
Three: I would suggest removing some of the indications of first person "I" and whatnot. What you have here alienates the responder as well as the persona. I find the alienation of the responder to be good, but you dont want to lose the listener because it's too personal.
All in all I think this needs a complete re-haul. Work on what you want to say and try to bring in some new ideas in the following paragraphs. It could be good, but you have to work in some poetic elements as well. Why does the person fell this way. What happened to make it like that. All that kinda stuff.
Pm me if this changes, and I'll crit it again.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Awesome song. Great depth |
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hey.
This wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. The title bothered me first off. It's been used, already, by Superchick. I know that song titles generally are reused much of the time, but I like creativity and uniqueness.
As to the lyrics, I don't know. It seemed more just like ranting and having a big old self-pity party, to be honest. Sorry. |
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JustMe.
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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I like the chorus
"That is why I stand in the rain
So no one can see me crying."
It's nice imagery.
There are a few things I'm not so sure about but they have already been mentionned above. |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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Hey.
I'm not very good at lyrics, but I'll try my best.
First of all, I had real trouble putting this song to a tune in my head. And when I finally did, it was the generic tune I used for all the terrible lyrics I used to write. This could be entirly me, and that you know the music, I just can't think of any.
| Quote: |
I hate it here
So don’t save my life. |
I like this line. It reminds me of, Don't Waste Your Time (Kelly Clarkson). Have you heard it?
| Quote: |
Who I am because
You never gave me a chance. |
Okay, I can see this last bit being sung really high and strong by a really god singer (Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera come to mind), but I'm having a little trouble. Right now it's playing my mind as
Younevergaveme a chaaaaaannnnnnncccceeeeeee.
Hope I helped a little bit! |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 2:16 am Post subject: |
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Hello darling, I completely love this post because it's got a great name and rythem. I enjoyed it all the way to the end. So sweet and passionate. This is one of my personal favorites, just don't force anything otherwise it will just sound like mush, and we wouldn't want that. best of luck dearie 
-Max |
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cookie_pirate
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 7:50 am Post subject: Re: Stand In Rain (Lost in Life) |
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| Quote: |
Verse 1
Nobody cares about me
They don’t even need me
I'm all alone and lost in life
I can’t find a way out
On this cell and I want to leave
Chorus
That is why I'm standing under the rain
So no one can see me crying.
Where I did I go wrong ?
I’m lost in life
I hate it here
So don’t save my life.
Piano instrumental 20 seconds
Verse 2
Nobody wants me
I don’t care anymore
I find it hard that,
You can’t understand me
So…
Chorus
That is why I'm standing under the rain
So no one can see me crying.
Where I did I go wrong ?
I’m lost in life
I hate it here
So don’t save my life.
Bridge
I can’t stand it,
Can't stand it any more!
I can take the hint.
You don’t want me here now
I guess you’ll never know
Who I am because
You never gave me the chance.
Chorus with Piano and guitar. |
The one in bold letters are my edits. I'm sorry if I changed some of the parts.
You should try to improve in smoothening out the tune so that when we sing the lyric, it's somewhat going to be like 'straight'.
I hope I helped. |
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secondchoice
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 12:36 am Post subject: |
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your words could get a little confusing but still as a songwriter i must say that that was great i rarly can get that deep i think you have a talent i would love to have
i liked the lines
That is why I stand in the rain
So no one can see me crying.
they make so much sense but i don't think i would have been able to think of them |
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mercipourlevenin
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: Re: Stand In Rain (Lost in Life) |
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I'd take the edits from some of the other reviewers seriously. They make the song flow so much better.
Overall, these lyrics were all right. With a solid melody, it has potential to become a good song. I don't know about this depth that the other reviewers were talking about, however. It seemed pretty straightforward to me. In a good way, though.
Pretty solid.
-mercipourlevenin |
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JesusFreak
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good song. I like chorus a lot. I especially like the line "That is why I stand in the rain So no one can see me crying." I can picture that really well.
I think that you should change the title. It is already the title of a song by Superchic[k] |
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Spiffygirl
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:34 am Post subject: |
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I love that you've already come up with piano solos. Obviously, you've probably have got a tune in mind. The song is very emotional and dramatic, and it makes for a great sad song.
Something you may want to keep in mind, though. There's already a song by Superchick called "Stand in the Rain". Just something to consider with the title. |
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