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Tears
Tears

by gamechanger10 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on December 31, 2007
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Veiled Soul -2-

Veiled Soul

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the morrow   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 6:34 pm    Post subject: Veiled Soul Reply with quote

Veiled Soul Contents

Scene 1-- you are here

Scene 2-- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post303495.html#303495

Author's note: I hope to publish this (in a thousand years), because I like the idea but must maximize it's potential. This novella contains no chapters, only sections. The story is an allegory to another. Kudos to whoever catches on! Wink

Veiled Soul

section 1

It began like anything else: with restlessness. I became weak, you see, if I settled down too long in any one location or occupation. Like a planet, I wandered incessantly from one life to another, because, as a human, I discovered joy only in novelty. Not being among the rich bastards who both run and ruin society, I could not afford to purchase new things to conceal the monotony of life. No, I hunted such things. I hunted distractions.

And so, driven by a familiar hunger, I went looking for new prey. It is hazy now, but I must have been gazing out the window of my hole, watching as starships passed smoothly by, when the idea to captain such a ship hooked me. It had been a childhood dream that was forgotten amidst the truths of reality, but now I questioned why I hadn't pursued it yet in these, the later days of my career. I had the credentials. Over the years, I'd piloted more ships than I could count--mostly small, corporate operations, shipping freight from one greedy company to another. Occasionally, when disharmony bred between two companies, I would pilot a fighter craft for one or the other, incinerating flesh for a good profit. But do not judge me; even amongst the broken bottles and empty cigarette packs that littered my floor, this was a foolish time when I had faith.

I set up a video conference with an old acquaintance who had set me up with a job years back. When I punched in his number, the window dimmed and produced a live video feed of a corpulent man, his thick hands folded neatly over his belly. He had grown notably fatter since our last correspondence and easily transcended the dimensions of the screen. "Keith, you old son-of-a-bitch, how are you doing?" he said.

"I need a job, Calanus."

"I can see that."

A major disadvantage to video communication is that the other party has a accessible view to your face, of course, and your surroundings. In this case, my beard was as unkempt as my apartment. But I didn't care what the man thought of me or my habitat.

"I have some listings from MinTech--mostly solo mining operations," he said, inspecting an electronic tablet that was minimized by his oversized hands.

"No. Something bigger this time, Calanus."

"Like what?"

"Something bigger."

He raised his thick eyebrows. "If you think you can--"

"I can manage it."

"Then your timing couldn't be better," he said gleefully. "I have something big you might be interested in--some important operation from MinTech. They're looking for a man--low profile--to go on some mission in deep space."

"Low profile?"

"I quote them directly."

I shrugged. It was enough for Calanus. "I'd be willing to connect you," he said. His voice trailed off, as if expecting me to say something.

I must have forgotten how the world worked, because I looked at him quizzically for a few seconds. "I'll send you ten credits," I finally said, feverish with my own stupidity. The fat hanging loosely from the man's jowls ballooned as he nodded, and he made the same grunt that I imagined pigs make when rolling in mud. With a few keystrokes, the transaction was made, and the conference ended.

With that, I trudged through the garbage to my bathroom, and when I emerged I had washed away the stench of booze and smoke that clung to my body and shaven away the gray sheets of hair that had concealed the splotches of youth that still lingered in my face. I set to organizing my apartment until Calanus' pudgy figure befouled my vision once more. "You didn't need to shave. There's no women where you're going--no real women, at least." I glared at him. "His name is Vargus," he continued hastily. "Meet him at the MinTech divison at Onari Seven. You have three days."

I gazed through his obtrusive image, through the semitransparent viewcreen, through the duraglass window, and into the blackness of space that laid innocently beyond, beckoning me like a lover in dire need of a touch I alone could convey. I sighed. "All right," I said. The man clapped his hands and vanished from the viewscreen, leaving unfiltered darkness in his wake.


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Last edited by the morrow on Tue Feb 12, 2008 2:28 am; edited 4 times in total
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mindoverflow812   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you have a very interesting style. i like it. sort of like charles dickens writes science fiction. Very Happy this is a very good beginning. i enjoyed your descriptions and the mystery of the mood. can't wait for more!
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. The language and descriptions are really attention-grabbing.

"I could not afford, when restless, to purchase new things to conceal the monotony of life." I would cut the "when restless." It seems unnecessary. If one were to be trying to escape the monotony of life, it follows that they were restless. It sort of goes without saying.

"It had been a childhood dream that was forgotten amidst the truths of reality, but now I questioned why I hadn't pursued it yet in these, the later days of my career." - Consider making the comma after "reality" a period, deleting the "but" and making the sentence into two. Right now, it is almost overrun with words.

"Alright" - I am always getting that word wrong. "All right" is the correct spelling apparently... I hate that tricky bastard.


But this was wonderful. I really did like this. I hope that you do get this published and very soon. I am hooked.

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Kylan   View This User's Portfolio
how superior.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your style is lofty, to say the least. You can effortlessly describe emotions and situations and be satisfying at the same time, but you could easily lose readership with your verbosity and cerebral atmosphere. Consider toning it down a bit. I'm sure there are phrases and descriptions that can be made a little more down-to-earth. Then again, maybe you're shooting for lofty.

I absolutely adore your dialogue. Crisp, clean, decisive. Exactly how someone would speak. It's very refreshing to see that, since dialogue, especially a dialogue between to 'professionals', is difficult to pull off. Nicely done.

Your first paragraph is difficult to slog through. Your sentences all seem the same. Lots of commas. Consider restructuring them for a varied flow. More short sentences. Your second paragraph also falls prey to sentences with similar structuring. Rework it.

I don't see the allegory yet, love to, but I don't. I hope I can catch on by the next installment, which I'm dying to see posted.

Keep up the good work!

-Kylan

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent! This is very high quality work. As Kylan said, your vocabulary and dialogue is great. I do think I told you before with "The Death of Dark Samus" that you have a very mature, easy to follow style, and I'll say it again-- I like your style of writing. I think you have a very good shot at getting published if you continue to improve and polish your work.

Again, with what Kylan said--> I do think the structure of the first paragraph is repetitious, but I didn't find it difficult to read. You might want to think about changing that.

Quote:
But do not judge me; even amongst the broken bottles and empty cigarette packs that littered my floor, this was a foolish time when I had faith
The last part of this sentence confused me. Did you mean to write "there was a foolish time", meaning he currently has no faith, or did you mean to imply that this is the time when he has faith and that there is worse to come? If I wondered on that, I'm sure other readers did too.

I like your description of Calanus. I also like that subtle characterization of Keith--using his surroundings to describe his current state, his friends to describe his past, his shaving to convey his youth. Some people just say everything up front, and that is usually boring.

Quote:
"His name is Vargus," he continued hastily. "Meet him at the MinTech divison at Onari Seven. You have three days."
Something that irritates me is when the protagonist is sent out to find someone with nothing but a name and place. There's no address, time, description of the person he/she is trying to find. This is sci-fi, right? So, is this Vargus even human? It just loses credibility, for me anyway, and you're losing the opportunity to put in some info that might be relevent later, imagery/description of a new species (if Vargus isn't human). It's something to consider. Wink

Anway, nice work, and I gladly like to read more.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked this story, it had an essence of nature, and was flowing, i really enjoyed it, mail me if you have any more stories like this one...

A true masterpiece...

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It looks rather exciting.

IT may just be my personal taste, but I feel that you might want to give the story a bit more of a personal feel. Yuo describe a mess and everyhing, and you describe it beautifully, but somehow, you just don't really get in touch with the character.

Aside from that, the story is very realistic and well-written so far. It could almost feel as though you were there, if you would just tweak it so the main character, or the man we're seeing now, was a bit more personal. It's quite good, and I'm interested in seeing more - gonna go read part two right now - but so far he seems like a mix between a flat character and a well-rounded one - something is missing.

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