Topic ID: 27615
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Gadi.
i Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 854 Reviews: 373 Country: I wish it was in my comfy bed, under the covers... 300 Points
|
Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:26 am Post subject: May |
|
|
May
(Envy)
May.
She can play piano like an angel,
like Calliope in her song.
I watch my daughter’s fingers
glide across the piano, trying
to imitate May in erratic vain
until I sigh tiredly and rise from
the piano. I cross the lounge to the
kitchen. I lace my fingers in dough,
and it feels like May’s hair,
ebon, silk. I turn on the oven and
close my eyes, listening to my
daughter’s song, striving to repress
those variable notes, headaches
from too much coffee.
When I return, the piano is a
black carnation in the jungle.
It’s night, and I press a thick
black key on the piano. The
grasshoppers start to chirp
and I begin to cry. The black
keys are the strands in May’s hair.
My daughter watches from the stairs. |
_________________ ARE YOU CULTURALLY OBSESSED!
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO PROVE IT.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic25977.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Firestar
Flame of the West Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 23 Feb 2008 Posts: 415 Reviews: 35 Country: Where everyone is "Free", and you can sue anyone for thousands of dollars on a whim. 312 Points
|
Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Interesting! Skipping from the first paragraph to the second paragraph is awkward though. |
_________________ Private Signature!!! Do not read!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
kokobeans
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 99 Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Posts: 186 Reviews: 104
300 Points
|
Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I don't fully understand why you've split the lines the way you have, but I like it. I have to agree the break between the first and second paragraph is a little awkward.
At first this seems like a random story, but the final line pulls it all together, and like the way it's the only line that rymes too, that has a great effect.
I understand the theme of this whole poem, but I don't fully understand who May is. Is she a student of the mother, a friend or child in her care? Why does the mother cry? It doesn't seem clear, though maybe that's just me.
I also like the way you've made two references to May's hair being black, it gives enough detail to picture her playing the piano, without revealing her face.
This is a really interesting poem, keep up the good work. Kudos. |
_________________ Second Follow-up Notice from the Department of Procrastination Prevention:
Three words: bowl of chips. One sentence, one chip. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Darkhalm7_Melissa
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 22 Mar 2008 Posts: 30 Reviews: 30 Country: Hidden within the dark caverns of the Earth, leading to a world I call my own. 300 Points
|
Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
Mistakes here and there. Also I didn't really grasp the concept. The whole thing overall...It was just confusing. Sorry. Please PM me when it's redone.
D7M |
_________________ Just like Time we must move with it.~Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
|