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The Timekeeper - Prologue
The Timekeeper - Prologue

by cocoboy in Fantasy Fiction
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This thread was created on October 22, 2007
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The Three Queens -Chapter Two
The Three Queens - Chapter Three

The Three Queens

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:20 pm    Post subject: The Three Queens Reply with quote

*This is fantasy-fiction only because it is set in a world which exists only in my head - so don't expect any form of magic/mythical creatures etc.*

Chapter One

In the window the sun was setting in all of its splendour. Red and gold robed the sky and the shine left the land with an echoing brilliance. As the golden rays came to rest upon the figure working beside the window the whole sky brightened for a moment before falling abruptly into darkness.

Alyssana looked up in annoyance, commanding her maid imperiously, "Fetch me a light." As the woman hurried off to do as she was bid Alyssana gazed out of her window, over the shadowy streets lit only by the light from the houses, with a heavy heart. She could see them all. There were the parents telling their children that it really was time for bed now. From almost every street she could see teenagers sneaking out for the night. In the market place and on the street corners the trades people were packing up their goods for the day whilst the Guards patrolled the streets on high alert. Despite their vigilance they did not notice what she did; the Underworld criminals and the Loners lurking in the shadows and the rowdy revellers off for a night in the tavern. Then there were the Noble Lords and Ladies going out in all their finery. Alyssana could see all of these and more. She could see them all - and each and every one was her responsibility, hers to care for and to protect and, not for the first time in her reign, she felt as if the burden was too much.

Since her coronation as Queen of the Realm and Protector of its Peoples she had never doubted so much that she was able to fulfil her role. She was threatened from all sides. It seemed that whatever she did, whatever alliances she made, she would be sure to insult at least one of the other Realms. War was coming and she was powerless to stop it. The only question that remained was where it would come from. Would it be from Karine, where the bitter rivalries that had been tearing the Realm apart from within were over and had left the Realm stronger than ever before? Or might Tynath, where the battle-ready armies were aching for a fight, decide to test its armies strength upon her Realm, her soldiers? Perhaps Halass would choose battle for, weak as it was in numbers, the impetuous King was ready to go to war over the tiniest insult that he could imagine. Or, worst of all, would Paroncia - the noble Empire whose covetous Emperor yearned for yet more land and power - begin a war? And it would be only the beginning - for where Paroncia led all the others were sure to follow.

Once the maid returned with a candle Alyssana one again began to read the documents she had been pouring over before the sun had set. Her tired eyes strained over the tiny writing that spelt out the doom of Jainar. As she read another person entered the room. Looking up, unfazed by his sudden entrance, she smiled upon her trusted advisor, Tekmar.

"Your Majesty," he greeted her bowing low.

"Welcome Councillor," she replied warmly, "and what is it you wish to speak to me of?"

"Your Highness, the people are demanding that you deal with the problem of the Underworld People. They want to see you punish them."

Alyssana sighed. Here was yet another reminder that she was not the great ruler her mother had been, neither as powerful nor as well loved.

"What should I do?" she asked, her eyes pleading more eloquently than her words ever could.

"You must send in your spies and find out who the leaders are. Even if they are succeeded very quickly if the people see you punish the important members of the Gangs they will be appeased."

Alyssana glared at him. "Have I not been sending spies into the Underworld since I was crowned? Yes I have. And have they not all returned in pieces? Of course they have. Even my spies cannot go undetected in the Underworld."

"Yes your Majesty, I know. But you have not sent in your best spies. It is my opinion that if Sjar and Sjania were given the task they would emerge from the Underworld triumphant. I'm begging you Your Highness - please don't keep them to spy on the Nobility still. Their talents are wasted here. If only you would heed my advise you could ward off the uprising that is brewing in the streets. Please Your Highness," Tekmar begged, not for the first time.

For many moons he had been imploring his Queen to allow the so-called Invisible Twins to try their hands in the Underworld. Time after time she had refused his plea - and from the determined look upon her beautiful face he summarised that this time would be no different.

"I will not risk my greatest assets. If they were to fail - what then? The other Realms would hear of it, they would know I no longer had information on their every move - they would strike without hesitation," Alyssana replied furiously.

"We would not fail, Your Highness." A young woman stepped out of a shadowy alcove, revealing her presence. On the other side of the Queen a young man did the same.

"Give us the chance Your Majesty - you will not be disappointed," he said as he bowed.

Alyssana rolled her eyes.

"I wish you would not spy on me," she complained petulantly, "And I wish you would not gang up on me so."

The young man, who was known as Sjar, laughed.

"I wish you would not doubt our abilities, but you do so all the same," he answered with an easy familiarity that was not quite proper.

Sjania, his sister, smiled at the young Queen.

"Come on Aly," she cajoled her, "Just give us a chance."

Alyssana groaned.

"All right - you bullies. "

She laughed smiling affectionately upon the two people who were the closest she had to friends.

"You may go," she said addressing herself to her spies, "but if I want you, you must return immediately - or I'll ...I'll have you arrested."

The twins smiled and slipped back into the shadows, leaving the impression that they had vanished completely.

Turning to gaze once more out her window, Alyssana's eye was caught by the brightly glowing moon. It was in the phase of the Mother and a pale green glow seemed to emanate from it. Usually Alyssana found the Earth phase comforting, but tonight was different. Tonight the glow seemed sickly as if it were mirroring the ill plight of the Realm.



Last edited by bkwrm on Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:37 pm; edited 13 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm I like this alot. The start is my problem I feel. I feel you mention too many words that have a glo sound. I'll show you.

Quote:

In the window the sun was setting in all of its glory. Red and gold robed the sky in a royal cloak and the glow left everything it touched with an echoing shine. As the golden rays came to rest for a moment


See I know very well, you could come up with better words. I've read this and feel you have such potential honest.

My advice for after you fix this, read this out loud and where you pause or see mispelling, correct. I'd love you to read more of this. Woud you be able to pm me next part. Also one more bit of advice, I first saw this and though "Oh my god it's the attack of the big block of text!" Space it out into paragraphs and speech. Look at other stories to see this better explained. Afterall seeing is believing.

Good luck VSN

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wonderfully and engaging piece. As such I have given you a line by line crit. I do hope it helps ^.^

"Through the window the sun was setting in all of its glory."

“Through the window” instead of “in” things don’t happen in windows, they happen on the other side, the colours come through the window.

"Red and gold robed the sky in a royal cloak and the glow left everything it touched with an echoing shine."

You can lose: “in a royal cloak” it is unnecessary and merely clutters the sentence. I think switching “shine” and “glow” would work better, glow is a word that sounds like residue. “everything it touched” is also unnecessary, more words than needed. Perhaps “left the world with an ...”

"As the golden rays came to rest for a moment upon the figure working beside the window the whole sky brightened and then fell abruptly into darkness."

Moving “for a moment” from where it is to after “whole sky brightened” has better flow. “and then” is a tired expression, perhaps “only to” or something like that would be more interesting?

"Alyssana looked up in annoyance. "Fetch me a light," she commanded her maid imperiously."

Make these two into one sentence, take out the “she” and change it to “commanding”. Switch “Fetch me a light” to the end of the sentence.

"As the woman hurried off to do as she was bid Alyssana gazed out of her window, into the shadowy streets lit only by the glows from the houses, with a heavy heart. "

“glow” – no ‘s’ if you’re having “streets” change “into” to over, if you’re keeping “into” no plural on “streets.”


"She could see them all - the parents telling their children that it really was time for bed now, the teenagers sneaking out for the night, the tradespeople packing up their goods for the day, the Guards patrolling the streets on high alert, the Underworld criminals and the Loners lurking in the shadows, the revellers off for a night in the tavern, the Nobility going out in all their finery, all of these and more."

That’s one long sentence! Cute it up into at least three separate ones, as it gets way too convoluted.

"She could see them all - and each and every one was her responsibility, hers to care for and to protect and, not for the first time in her reign, she felt as if the burden was too much."

Nicely sincere.

"But since her coronation as Queen of the Realm and Protector of its Peoples she had never doubted so much that she would be unable to fulfil her role."

“But” is not needed. It only has people, not peoples. I think you will find that “peoples” is not actually a word in this sense – or any. Does she doubt that she will fulfil her role? or Not fulfil it? You have a double negative in here, it makes the sentence hard to determine.

"She was threatened from all sides. It seemed that whatever she did, whatever alliances she made she would be sure to insult at least one of the other Realms."

Comma after alliances.

"War was coming and she was powerless to stop it. The only question that remained was from where wouldf it come?"

“Would.” I don’t mind the organisation of these words, but I think that you might want to rephrase it so that you do not need the question mark such as; “…was where it would come from.”

"From Karine, where the bitter rivalries that had been tearing the Realm apart from within were over and had left the Realm stronger than ever before? From Tynath, where the battle-ready armies were aching for a fight? From Halass, where the impetuous King was ready to go to war over the tiniest insult he could imagine? Or from Paroncia, the noble Empire whose covetous Emperor yearned for yet more land and power?"

You repeat “from” more than a few times here, you could easily cut that down by using other connecting words, these may also reduce the number of question marks, which cut the flow up a little. “the tiniest insult that he could imagine.” Add ‘that’.

"Once the maid returned with a candle Alyssana one again began to read the documents she had been poring over before the sun had set. Her tired eyes strained over the tiny writing that spelt out the doom of Jainar. As she read another person entered the room. Looking up she smiled upon her trusted and ever-faithful advisor, Tekmar. "Your Majesty," he greeted her bowing low. "Welcome Councillor," she replied warmly, "and what is it you wish to speak to me of?""

New dialogue or dialogue in general should be separate from the bulk of the text. The “ever-faithful” is just asking for a later contradiction, don’t step into clichés. You also move quickly from her musing into her reading, there is no transitional action, her turning from the window, or being startled, for example.

""Your Highness, the people are demanding that you deal with the problem of the Underworld Peoples. They want to see you punish them.""

“Peoples” again.

"Alyssana sighed. Here was yet another reminder that she was not the great ruler her mother had been, neither as powerful nor as well loved. "What should I do?" she asked, her eyes pleading more eloquently than her words ever could. "You must send in your spies and find out who the leaders are. Even if they are succeeded very quickly if the people see you punish the important members of the Gangs they will be appeased." Alyssana glared at him. "Have I not been sending spies into the Underworld since I was crowned? Yes I have. And have they not all returned in pieces? Of course they have. Even my spies cannot go undetected in the Underworld." "Yes your Majesty, I know. But you have not sent in your best spies. It is my opinion that if Sjar and Sjania were given the task they would emerge from the Underworld triumphant. I'm begging you Your Highness - please don't keep them to spy on the Nobility still. Their talents are wasted here. If only you would heed my advice you could ward off the uprising that is brewing in the streets. Please Your Highness," Tekmar begged, not for the first time. "

Ahh! A huge block of dialogue! Separate and make clear! It was terribly difficult to read through that and still understand what is going on.

"For many moons he had been imploring his Queen to allow the so-called Invisible Twins to try their hands in the Underworld. Again and again she had refused his plea - and from the determined look upon her beautiful face he surmised this time would be no different."

“Again and again” could be changed to “repeatedly” and it would be shorter and easier on the reader. “surmised that this time” Add ‘that’.

" "I will not risk my greatest asset. If they were to fail - what then? The other Realms would hear of it, they would know I no longer had information on their every move - and they would strike without hesitation," Alyssana replied furiously. "

If you are going to refer to “them” in the plural you need to change “asset” to plural. “and” is not needed.

""We would not fail, Your Highness." A young woman stepped out of a shadowy alcove, revealing her presence. On the other side of the Queen a young man did the same. "Give us the chance Your Majesty - you will not be disappointed," he said as he bowed. Alyssana rolled her eyes. "I wish you would not spy on me," she complained petulantly, "And I wish you would not gang up on me so." The young man, who was known as Sjar, laughed. "I wish you would not doubt our abilities, but you do so all the same," he answered with an easy familiarity that was not quite proper. Sjania, his sister smiled at the young Queen. "

Comma after “sister”.

""Come on Aly," she cajoled her, "Just give us a chance." Alyssana groaned. "All right - you bullies." She laughed and smiled affectionately upon the two people who were the closest she had to friends. "You may go," she said addressing herself to her spies, "but if I want you you must return immediately - or I'll ... I'll ...I'll have you arrested." The twins smiled and slipped back into the shadows, leaving the impression that they had vanished completely."


“if I want you, you must return” comma between your “yous’” The repetition of “I’ll” a little odd, and takes away from the piece, I find. You could remove the “and” in “laughed and smiled affectionately” and simply say “laughed, smiling affectionately” that is just an opinion.


"Turning to gaze once more out her window, Alyssana's eye was caught by the brightly glowing moon. It was in the phase of the Mother and a pale green glow seemed to emanate from it. Usually Alyssana found the Earth phase comforting, but tonight… Tonight the glow seemed sickly as if it were mirroring the ill plight of the Realm."

The use of elipses is oftn helpful for a writer, it is, however, not needed here, “but tonight…” can be changed to “be tonight was different” and you continue to have to same meaning with out the flow change.


You do need to space out your writing, a line between paragraphs and all. And your sentances are quite long in places. However, I really like it ^.^

All I all I really liked this, and while I think I may have been a little harsh I hope that this line by line crit really helps. I cannot wait for the next chapter in the least.

Pm me if you have any questions, rants or hate mail ^.^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is very good, i enjoyed reading it, and also look forward to your next chapter.

i have only two changes to mention. as mentioned above, i would break up your paraghraphs, and also take out some of the discriptions you use. but these are not bad changes, and in no way reflect on your talent. you are an awesome writer.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I started reading it, I got the impression that Alyssana was some sort of spoiled princess or something. I don't know if she's supposed to be good or bad. She seems really immature to be the queen of her realm. Some of the words she uses like "gang" and "bullies" sound like something a modern teenager would say and not a royal figurehead.

But I did think your description was very good. I understood what was happening, and it's interesting, but it could use some more work.
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, once again all the line by line things have been taken care of. YOu have an excellent and promising idea hear, but as it has already been said, it needs some work. First off, SPACE IT OUT! it seems very compacted, and it would be much more relaxing to read it if it were more spaced out. That was my main complaint, but another thing I had a complaint about was the middle of the story. There is a whole lot of telling, especially in that part. Just something you may want to think about. Smile

Thats all I have to say! I can't wait for the next bit.

PM me with questions or comments.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay this was very well written. It reminded me a great deal of my friends writing, who I think is incredibly talented. I was captivated from the very beginning, your descriptions being so rich.

I have to agree that for the time period this appears to be in some of your word choice doesn't really fit with the rest of the text. Examples would be teenager, gangs, ect. Also, some of the sentence didn't flow quite as nicely as the others -- normally the longer winded ones.

Other than that I think this is a very promising story. I see you have another chapter up so I'll be going there next to read. I can't wait to find out what happens.

Good work!

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really enjoyed this. I really really did. Penguin Attack has given you such a wonderful crit I wouldn't even be able to do it justice. So that's all I'm going to say.

I think there's a second part? If so, off to read it now!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there! I realize you posted this a long time ago, but chapter two is more recent and I had to read this first anyway.

The other people got most of the comments, and penguin caught lots of stuff too, so all I would say is that right now, the Queen, who seems to be the main charecter, was a little limp. She didn't strike me as a strong, memorable charecter. We don't have an image of what she looks like or who she really is in our heads, which makes it difficult for the reader to sympathize with her, especially when she's whining to her advisors for advice.

Your writing is very flowing and skillfully done, and I enjoy reading it, but I would work on your MC's charecter development a little bit.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey. I realize this was posted a while ago, but it was on the main page so I read it anyway.

It's a good start.

I have only two problems with it: I agree with on other critique, when they said that the queen speaks too modernly. I was not under the impression that this was a 2008 time era. And the other problem I have is how easily the queen gave in to the twins. After all, as she had just pointed out, much is at risk if they fail. Why would she, after the twins asking only once, give in so quickly?

Other than that, I liked it.

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