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RoryLegend
what the fetch
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 Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:02 pm Post subject: The Fire of Betrayal |
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The Fire of Betrayal
by: Rory Legend
Inspired by photo number three/two
The look in her eyes,
of one betrayed.
She stared at him,
and he couldn't look away.
The flames errupted,
while the people stared.
They stood in awe,
before the witch they no longer feard.
They'd caught one this time,
a real one you see.
And all thanks to him,
now the town could be free.
Behind those pityless eyes he knew.
As she breathed her last breathe,
a curse was she muttering,
a curse of death.
Her smiles turned to laughter,
and he began to shake.
It wont be much longer now.
How much heat can she take?
She said the last lines,
and now he was afraid.
"Let him feel the pain," she screamed,
"the pain of one betrayed!"
He fell to the ground,
his lungs could find no air.
She looked at the earth below her,
and whispered, "See you there." |
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Heidigirl666
Praise the FSM and His noodly appendage
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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I like this, however, there are a few parts which don't quite fit in tone with the rest of it.
Stanza three is too casual, and just doesn't sound right. The tone is completely different and the rhyming seems forced. The same goes for the second two lines of the fifth stanza, and the very last line of the poem. Could you phrase them differently perhaps?
Other than that, a good first draft.  |
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Riedawriter23
La femme avec les yeux.
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: |
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Hello!
This was really good for a rhyming poem. I feel that it would do much better if it didn't rhyme though...you know? I focused too much on the rhyme and not enough of the actuall meaning. This just seemed like a little story and I didn't feel anything for any of your characters.
I love your first stanza. And your last stanza. The dialogue only seemed really important there though if I were you I would take out the rest of the dialogue in the poem.
Behind those pityless eyes he knew.
As she breathed her last breathe,
**Breathe should be breath.
As far as the rhythm, it was okay but it didn't really work out in some of your stazas. It can easily be fixed if you reread with fresheyes and even it out though.
PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda |
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J.C. Belding
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:22 am Post subject: |
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| Very nice ideas and themes. The only real problem is that the meter is rather bumpy. Trying to workon smoothing it out and you'll have an excellent poem. |
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