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Gadi.
O FOR VICTORY!
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 Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:34 pm Post subject: Feeling Ash |
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[pre:aa6e196d93]Feeling Ash
her stomach fell
and all was an ash baby, scarlet pink, a waffle in the
nurse’s hands.
I was sleeping in our old home
when I heard the news about
my brother
and I slowly
slipped around the
hospital, so no one would
see me.
...remember: when the
fire died down, and the house was all dust, there was still
an aching siren
sneaking through
the streets
and the black
followed me
around, ubiquitous.
it choked me
and the glass plopping like carrots in hot water made me
cringe, knowing
the feeling
of flesh and skin
blazing
through your stomach
destroying all
you have built
with your bare hands. [/pre:aa6e196d93] |
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Last edited by Gadi. on Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:30 am; edited 3 times in total |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there Gadi.
Okay, you have some good imagery here, and the sound of it is lovely at times. The main issue, right now, is the structure! Oh dear sweet Pete, what is with this structure? It's choppy and harsh, and halting when you read it. Even when only reading it in my head, not aloud, it was a horrific ride.
I'm sure there's some sort of styllistic, involved reason for doing it this way - there always seems to be one I don't understand. xD - but I can't even comment on any of the other issues, because the just structure stared at me (before beating me over the head with a heavy log).
So. If you work that out, and it changes at all, Pm me, I'll give it another go, aye. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin, |
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Gadi.
O FOR VICTORY!
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190 Points
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:14 am Post subject: |
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| I am really sorry, but I used tabs on Word and it had this entire swirly, imaginative structure and I can't figure out how to fix it on YWS! HELP! |
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my world isn't only beautiful
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:34 am Post subject: |
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Okay. Did you use the "Pre" feature? It keeps your previous structure and whatnot. If not, the the style may not be supported on YWs. I am unsure as to what to do about that.
I'm glad you didnt do it that way on purpose. xD |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
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I really like your poem you got here or story i don't know or can't tell because of the structure it is kind of confusing because some stories are in a poem format. But the content was good i liked reading it I think it will be something that people will enjoy.
Like back to the structure try to make it even not double space than only one space that is so cliche and stupid and confusing. Sorry not trying to be mean here I am just telling what i think would look better. Its all about the look baby. LOL.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me anytime. Have a good Day.
SimonCowell Luver |
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Mental-Monkey
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:36 am Post subject: ... |
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| I liked how you spaced the words, very creative. |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
Speaker of the Forum
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Country: Grasslands.
420 Points
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 10:38 am Post subject: |
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Hey there again, Gadi. ^^
Okay. So now I see your intended structure, it's a cute and interesting idea. I appreciate the meaning and the way you've proceeded with this, I like the intention, and the words. I think you have a lovely story here, there's a lot of imagery, meaning, confusion.
I think that the structure is still off. Yes, the idea is cute, and works fairly well as it is. The issue is that the words still stagnate, halt and cringe when any attempt at flow is made. In some places it works well, and you have a good grasp on the syllables. The issue is that (and hopefully you'll see it if you read it over) it doesn't work across the board. I lose interest in what you're saying because it becomes hard to comprehend.
Perhaps it's merely the mindset I have today, but you appear to be a bit all over the place. You go from one image to the next and I lose the connection between them, the reason. Again, it may just be me.
I would suggest reading over this, seriously considering the structure, and having a look at how your stanzas connect. It is interesting, and it intrigues me, but I think it needs work.
Again, if you change anything at all, drop me a line, and I'll com and look. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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last mohican
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Your imagery is good, and the whole poem has great form; dark, yet elegant |
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