Topic ID: 27533
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Loose
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 Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: Russell's improvement. |
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Since the first version was crap...
From the corner of my eye, I was watching him. His sneakers were pounding into the asphalt path. Sweat was sliding down his chocolate face, rolling off of his chin. His yellow sport shirt flapped against his torso, outlining his firm abs that he worked on constantly with crunches. When I turned my head to get a better view of him, I noticed that other girls were staring at him too. He was competing in the 200 metres and so far he was in the lead.
Cheerleaders dressed in red were cheering for him. Their skirts were flying up their legs, flaunting their best assets. They waved huge pompoms into the air and chanted "Go Russell, go!" I sneered at them with jealousy, nibbling on my bottom lip to prevent myself from screaming. He was mine, and I didn't want them to have him.
He turned his head and winked at his fans. I felt something inside break. What did those bimbos have that I didn't? A brain? No, I am smarter than all of them combined. Good looks? I may not be Angelina Jolie but I'm not repulsive. In fact, I've had quite a few compliments and wolf whistles from creepy old men. That may not be a good thing, though.
I knew what the cheerleaders had. They had a chance. Why is it that the man I loved wouldn't give me the time of day? He won't give me the opportunity to hug him, kiss him, caress him, hold him close to me and feel his warm breath against my skin.
What am I saying? I knew exactly why he wouldn't fall for me.
He was my brother. |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 10:41 am Post subject: |
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Hi Loose,
I really, really liked this  It was short, but I didn't felt like anything was missing. Interesting way of touching this subject.
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| Sweat was sliding down his chocolate face, rolling off of his chin. |
I don't know why, but chocolate really bothers me lately and in this case in the combination with sweat... Maybe you can replace the chocolate? But I think it may just be me. 
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His yellow sport shirt flapped against his torso, outlining his firm abs that he worked on constantly with crunches. |
In my opinion the crunches are quite dispensable, but again that's my personal opinion.
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| I sneered at them with jealousy, nibbling on my bottom lip to prevent myself from screaming. |
I don't know, if she'd sneer at the cheerleaders in the given situation, since it is clear that she is the one who doesn't have a chance and sneering involves looking down on people. I think she'd probably shoot hateful looks at them, filled with envy.
Maybe she'd rather bite her lip to prevent herself from screaming than nibble on it?
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What am I saying? I knew exactly why he wouldn't fall for me.
He was my brother.
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Ouch! (But very well done )
As I already said I really enjoyed reading this. My criticism is all optional, of course, because it's just my taste, so you can just leave it, if you disagree...
Happy writing! Keep it up
~Kalliope |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 10:48 am Post subject: |
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Oh, lovely, Sugar.
If only for that last little bit, "He was my brother." I love it. As always, I find your description to be fantastic, I think you click on good elements, one that make people sit up and take notice without being in your face about it.
I particularily enjoyed these lines:
"His sneakers were pounding into the asphalt path. Sweat was sliding down his chocolate face, rolling off of his chin."
"Their skirts were flying up their legs, flaunting their best assets."
"I sneered at them with jealousy, nibbling on my bottom lip to prevent myself from screaming."
Really, I must say, for such a short piece, it stole me. ^^
Some small issues:
"outlining his firm abs that he worked on constantly with crunches. "
- Use "the" instead of "his" firm abs here.
"No, I am smarter than all of them combined"
- I dislike the arrogance here. I'm not sure she should be so definitive about her intelligence. But that's just a personality issue. ^^
"In fact, I've had quite a few compliments and wolf whistles from creepy old men. That may not be a good thing, though."
- Okay, she's just said she's bright, right? Then she's wondering about these creepy old men? She should know that's odd, that is really isn't a good thing.
I think a little more hesitation in her voice as she speaks about herself would work nicely. I love your description, really, and the situation itself, you've portrayed it well.
Nice work, Sugar.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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alleycat13
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: |
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This is really good Loose. PenguinAttack stole all the lines I was going to point out to you. Although I think the "I'm smarter than them" is fine because I sense anger, not arrogance in it, which continues your characterization. The "creepy old men" part, uh, I don't know. I don't think it added much except to suggest she's too young to understand, but that can't be true because of how she feels about her brother.
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| In fact, I've had quite a few compliments and wolf whistles from creepy old men. That may not be a good thing, though. |
I'd remove that whole part. I think it actually contradicts the intelligence of the girl.
The ending--it made me cringe. In a good way though--the way you wanted me to cringe. I'm glad you saved that line for last. It was set-up and delivered very well.
Nice job. |
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Loose
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 6:56 am Post subject: |
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Thanks guys.
I really like the twist I have, and it seems rather surprising.
When I first wrote this, I realised that there was nothing written about incest, and I figured, "why not?"
I'm glad that this piece was actually repairable and that you enjoyed it, even if the ending did throw you off your feet. |
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"I like chocolate, and that's the secret to longevity"-Lindsay Fox
"I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it."- Vincent, Gattaca
Last edited by Loose on Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:52 am; edited 1 time in total |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:47 am Post subject: |
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| rolling off of his chin |
I don't think you need to say of
I'd use a different word. This one doesn't seem fitting in relation to the rest of it.
meters
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| That may not be a good thing, though. |
Haha. That's funny.
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| He was my brother. |
Okay... I just don't really like this ending. Just because it creeps me out a bit. But I really liked your writing, and I thought it was really good. There weren't (m)any mistakes, and your writing had a really nnicew atmosphere. |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:53 am Post subject: |
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| You really go me at the last line. It was short but it really hit home. I know some people didn't like the ending, But it made me laugh. I liked it! |
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silently loud
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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Like the others, the ending caught me. Well-written.  |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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Loose,
I think I’ll just echo your avatar - brilliant. So much for a constructive critique, yes? But there really wasn’t anything I could be nitpicky about, or in general anything negative to throw oneself at. Hmm. I guess I’ll just have to stick with the paeans.
That last sentence - nice.
Cheers,
Esme |
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