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Heart of a Leopard, Chapter 1, part 1
Heart of a Leopard, Chapter 1, part 1

by Rosey Unicorn in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 21, 2008
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The Chronicles of Syn: Sins of the Flame

The Chronicles of Syn: Sins of Prologues.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 6:59 am    Post subject: The Chronicles of Syn: Sins of Prologues. Reply with quote

The Chronicles of Syn

Sins of Prologues

By: SoTP

Welcome, one and all.

Before I can start, I must inform you all of something you should be aware of. People who know my name say I am an evil man. By which they mean I am the saint of sinners. I am the one children fear hide under their beds, the monster Syn waiting for them to fall asleep so I can devour their souls.

I am the assassin, the soldier of darkness of all things evil. I am the cursed being who carries the title of ‘Syn’, nothing but a puppet to the master. I kill without remorse, I kill without regret, and I kill without mercy.

I maim the servants of the All-Father. I strike down the poor, the ones without hope. I raise followers in my wake to worship the None-Father, the Dark Mother, the Lord of Shadows. I burn entire towns to the ground, and greedily take all as a tribute to my God.

The people who know me personally believe all of that as well, and worse.

I am the man who can be bought for the right price, it's bad enough I am a destroyer for a God, but I am also a destroyer for the rich, the politicians, and the kings of the lands. I will kill all that I am paid to kill, and even kill more whom I am not paid to.

Now I will inform you of something you must know. Everything those men who know my name believe, all of those people who know me, their opinions may be true, but here is what I think of myself.

I believe I am not some warrior of the None-Father. I am not the weapon of men, I do not burn towns down (Well, the majority of towns.), and most of all, I do not kill without remorse, regret, or mercy.

I believe I am an assassin and mercenary for hire for the small and the large. I am also a man who will live to the end of time, I am an immortal.

As a immortal I have lived many years, and have escaped death. But I have also paid the horrible price for it. I have lost many loved ones. Wives, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, friends, all of them died naturally while I endure. I have killed countless men; I have terrible nightmares which will haunt me forever. For that reason I am an alcoholic, which is to try and take these nightmares away, if only for one night.

Should I stop killing? Maybe then my dreams will go away? Maybe I can be a productive member of society? Maybe I can even be king of whole lands? Unfortunately I wouldn’t stop killing, it’s the only thing that I am, and ever will be good at. It’s one of the only natural talents I have.

Now here we find ourselves. I have told you what men think of me, and I have told you what I think of myself. Now I will give you the chance to decide for yourself what you think of me.

Am I am sadistic killer? Am I a puppet of dark beings? Am I a broken man without a future? Am an I immortal who’s an alcoholic just to keep mere nightmares away? I give you the choice to decide.

Why, you ask, that I give you such a chance? To hear the chronicles of the mighty Syn. Well, because for a simple reason which is, I have hope.

I have hope that you will see me for what I truly am, you will see me as either the monster people believe, or as the broken man I believe I am. I have hope you will spread your opinions, and your tales around. I have hope that the truth will set me free of these ever-tight bonds of steel that shackle me to my past. I told you it was a simple reason

Now I will tell you the tales of my life that I believe have shaped me mentally, emotionally, and physically into what you see before you today. I will tell you of the sins of gods, the sins of men, the sins of life, the sins of death, the sins of time, and of course my own personal sins.

So I welcome you once more. Come into my home. Warm yourself by my fire. Eat your fill of my food. Drink yourself drunk with my ale. Sit yourself comfortable in my chair. Form yourself your own opinions of me, of my life, of my character, of my future.

But I warn you now, don't overstay your welcome.


_________________
Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"


Last edited by Soul of the Phantom on Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:18 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Rubric   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 12:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"its bad enough "
it's bad enough

"paid too. "
paid to.

"what I think of me."
what I think of myself:

"Sounds neat doesn’t it? "
This is the beginning of the end foryour rather macabre tone, I hope it's intended.

"I am an alcoholic for that reason"
flip this sentence around to "For that reason I am an alcoholic..." it follows the previous sentence better

"be king of whole lands"
either whole lands is a specific place and should be capitalised or it is not and should have *the* in front of it.


"Am I immortal who’s an alcoholic"
throw in *an* after *I*


"decide for yourself what you think of me. "


Overall, a good piece, but one which must be wary oif the cliches to which it can too easily fall pray,

Be wary (and pm me for further aid)
Rubric
far too week a sentence for what you are intending to pervay, "decide for yourselves what I am" should me the bare minimum.

"truth will set me free"
if a master tactician were to sabotage this piece, he would use this cliche line. I do not believe you to be this tactician, so do not use his line.

"emotional,"
emotionally, (but also a cliche of the breaking up of the self, be wary of its use.)

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 4:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm this sounds really cool. and no offense, it sounds like the opening of a video game. I acctually like the fact that it sounds like that, but try to steer clear of sounding like someone writing in their diary. I will defanately keeping an eye out for the other chapters.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the help with grammer and spelling issues Rubric. And are cliches always bad things to use?

No offence taken, I play video games (See Siguature and Avatar.) so it would only make sense their story telling tools would effect my writing. I will try so, and thanks for the support, Absynthe.



Also I fixed some of the grammer and spelling issues Rubric detected, and some other readers found.

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Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

'Well, because for a simple reason which is, I have hope.'
I think it should be, 'Well, for this simple reason: I have hope.'

I'm not sure though.

Cool story though. It's written from Syn's point of view, which would make it far more enjoyable that if it was written from a hero's point of view.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the review!

And I didn't notice that, thanks!

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Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:18 am    Post subject: Syn Reply with quote

Quote:
Drink yourself drunk with my ale.
It seems that the drink yourself drunk is unneccessary. Just share my ale, or quench your thirst or soemething would suffice. Most people, even an immortal would not want a drunk in their home. They smell bad, they do stupid things, and they snore loudly.

You certainly did show the character's regret about what he's doing and yet he can't stop well.

I was curious you said
Quote:
It’s one of the only natural talents I have.
that means he has other natural talents. I think you should basically just say, its my natural talent. If he has other options, then he should explore them.

also
Quote:
As a immortal I have lived many years, and have escaped death
if you're an immortal and still alive, then that means that escaping death is a given. so that could probably be implied instead of actually said. The best writers know when to leave stuff out of their stories.




All in all though very interesting I like it

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the review Kraemer!

And thanks for bring those to my attention, I didn't see those coming.

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Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"
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This thread was created on March 21, 2008

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