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NaNo Planning 2008
NaNo Planning 2008

by yoha_ahoy in NaNoWriMo
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on March 19, 2008
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Imaginary Friend
Topic ID: 27453
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Memento Mori   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:07 am    Post subject: Imaginary Friend Reply with quote

This is my first work of fiction. Please read and review.

~Start~

She stormed to her room and slammed the door quite loudly.

“I hate her,” she chanted over and over again.

“Who do you hate?” A voice replied.

She looked up and saw a boy her age on her bed. The teen had dark blue wings, and an eye patch over his right eye. He wore a black coat over black clothes, and she knew that something was wrong with him; that she shouldn’t trust him. But she needed someone to talk to, and this was clearly a figment of her imagination. He couldn’t be real.

“I…hate…Ivy.” She managed. “Ivy…she told the entire school about a secret of mine…” She broke down sobbing again.

“Do you want her dead?” The entity came near her and whispered in her ear while running his hands through her hair.

“Yes, I wish she was! We used to be great friends…” She kept on sobbing. When she looked around again, he was gone. She felt her spirits crash and prayed that her imaginary friend would come back.

The next day, the news had spread all over the school: Ivy had committed suicide. She had slashed her wrists.

“It’s quite a coincidence, don’t you think, Sylvia?” Her friend Kelly asked.

She laughed. “Coincidence? Yeah, quite a big one.” Sylvia answered.

Sylvia couldn’t wait to get home. Was this really a coincidence? He had asked if she wanted Ivy dead. Once she got home, she rushed to her room, only to find her little brother searching through her things.

“What are you doing?!” Sylvia shrieked.

“I’m looking for my video game. Have you seen it?” He asked.

“GO AWAY!” She shouted.

“No, I know you have it.” He crossed his arms and pouted.

Sylvia shoved her brother out of the door. He fell down the stairs, which was right in front of her door, and started crying. This attracted her mom’s attention, who immediately took the side of her younger brother.

“Sylvia, he was just looking for something. He could have gotten a serious injury from a fall like that!” Her mother scolded.

“He was invading my privacy!” Sylvia snapped. “He’s your favorite, so of course you’re going to take his side.”

“Sylvia, I don’t have favorites.” Her mother answered. “You’re grounded for this weekend.”

Sylvia screamed in frustration, went back to her room and slammed the door. “Stupid brother, so... GAAAH!” She began.

“Your brother?” said the voice.

“Yes! I just wish I could kill him!” Sylvia answered. When silence greeted this statement, she felt her heart skip a beat. Was it possible that he took that as a signal to go ahead and murder her brother? No, Ivy was just a coincidence. She willed herself to calm down, but once she heard her mother screaming, she panicked and ran out her room.

“Your brother! He just collapsed!”

“What? Why?” Sylvia felt her heart hammering.

“I don’t know! Call 911!”

The next week, her brother was buried. Sylvia told herself that that was the last victim. It was an accident, so it didn’t count as her fault, right? When she got home, she expected to be favorite once more, like the only child she once was. But things worsened in their home. Her parents just kept comparing her to her brother, and began saying things like “If your brother was here, he’d loved to have had that toy.”

After a few months, Sylvia finally snapped. Her patience had been tested for too long. “You guys keep talking about him, even though he’s dead! Get over it! I’m your only child now!” She screamed at her parents.

“Just because your brother’s dead doesn’t mean we should forget about him!” Her mother shot back. “You’re glad he’s dead, aren’t you?”

“YES, YES I AM!” Sylvia said as she stormed into her room, tears streaming down her face.

“Well you’re grounded!” Her father said.

In that moment of anger, she shouted, “I wish I could hurt YOU, then you'd know how it feels like!”

“Oh really?” The voice replied.

Sylvia felt her heart freeze when she heard that voice. She looked around wildly.

“NO! Please, don’t hurt them!” She pleaded with her invisible friend.

Then she heard a thud. She ran down the stairs, where her mother and father were both on the ground, eyes wide open. It was almost as if they had died of a heart attack, but she knew better.

She peered at her parents, hoping they still had a chance.

"Mom?" She whispered, scared. "Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. Please be alive....'

******

“Hello Sylvia. How are you today?” The volunteer asked.

“He’s here. He’s never going to leave me alone.” Sylvia muttered.

“That’s right Sylvia. I’ll be your most loyal friend. I’ll never leave you alone, ever again. Aren’t you glad they’re all dead?” He stroked her cheek.

“Get away from me!” Sylvia flailed her arms.

The volunteer was taken aback. Sylvia was indeed crazy.

“Can’t you see him? He’s right behind you!” Sylvia pointed behind the volunteer.

The volunteer looked behind herself. There was nobody there. “Who’s there, Sylvia?”

“HIM!”

“Describe him, please.”

“He’s wearing black clothes, he has an eye patch over his right eye and he has dark blue wings!”

The volunteer shook her head sadly. The poor thing had lost her entire family within the span of one year. “I’ll be back tomorrow Sylvia.”

“DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!!” Sylvia pleaded.

But the volunteer had left.

“That’s right Sylvia. I have you all to myself now. Aren’t you happy that you have my full love and attention?” He whispered to her, stroking her hair. "I'll be your everything... now that they're gone. Isn't it nice to be all alone? After all, it's what YOU wanted..."


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Last edited by Memento Mori on Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:57 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Wiggy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was creepy! I really liked it, though, for some odd perverted reason! XD It's like that sort of "quiet horror" that sends chills up and down your spine, but isn't a mouth-opening horror.

Anyways, to the story! I think the plot escalated rather too quickly for my taste. I think this piece would be a lot more powerful if you drew out her fears and showed it by her actions. Don't just have her screaming, "I HATE YOU!" all the time and then her victims dropping dead--show me her horror. Perhaps have her bend down, prod her parents, see if they're alive. Something to draw out the scene.

Also, I don't understand why the imaginary friend killed all those people in the first place. Did Sylvia commission him to? Or was it a curse she had like Ella in Ella Enchanted? If you could clarify that, that'd be awesome. Smile

I liked the dialogue in this, especially the exchange between Sylvia and her mother. I could see it happening right before my eyes! The only unrealistic parts I caught were when she just screamed "I hate you!" every two seconds. Pare it down, perhaps? Smile

You really kept the level of suspense good. Again, I enjoyed this piece, and I'd love to see some elaboration on it! PM me if you have any questions!

Wiggy Wink

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the tips.

I'll go fix my mistakes now.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello! I haven't seen you around before, welcome to YWS!!!

Okay... whew, this is creepy... my own story about imaginary friends is a lot... cuddlier...

Okay, overall this was... weird, in a good way. I agree with Wiggy that you need to put in more detail. Spread it out, hold onto the tension more...

but apart from that, very nice!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:54 pm    Post subject: Just the kind of fiction I like! Reply with quote

This was an excellent story. The only thing was that it went a bit fast and I wish it had more detail. Other than that, I really liked it and am looking forward to reading more of your work.

Thank you for the wonderful story,

Trick
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved this story!!! I agree with the others that it moved along too quickly, and who was the imaginary friend? Also, the only part that really bugged me was her parents constantly saying she was grounded over stuff. I would think the parents would begin crying if their daughter said she was glad her brother is dead.

Otherwise, great idea, and good grammar too (a rarity, it seems)!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow...
That was really good, but I'm going to have to agree with all those lot up there, with the whole 'I HATE YOU!' Thing...
And the fact that she was grounded for saying that she was happy her brother was dead.
Apart from that, I loved the fact that the imaginary friend wasn't the cuddly thing everyone wants their friends to be!
Great idea, but you could have developed it a bit.
Keep going!!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got a pretty good conect here, but it feels like a synopsis with a bit of dialogue mixed in. As everyone has already said, this moves by very quickly. I'd say you've got about four pages here, and for how much happens in it, I'd say you could use as many as thirty or forty pages.

The way you do that is develop the characters. Introduce us to them and their background. Create a relationship between the main character, her bother, her friend, and her parents. As well as why she has this "imaginary friend." Nobody knows why this guy wanted to kill them for your main character. Yes, there were problems, but there are so many other ways these can be resolved. Show us why this was the way it had to happen. Perhaps you could even do some research into mental illness to understand exactly what could cause the behaviour, were in a mental illness and not an evil spirit.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the tips.

I'll keep them in mind when I write my next story. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was... scary, but I couldn't stop reading it! It was really good! I couldn't find any grammer errors. As some of the people have said, I think you could have made it a little longer to make it more suspenseful. A little more detail would be appreciated, too. Will you make a second part to this? Please? I want to know what happens to Sylvia and that imaginary guy.

Hope I get to see more!

-kittykat

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello!

Wow. this was really creepy!! Shocked Anyway, I'll talk more about that later. Nitpicks first.

Quote:
“I hate her,” she chanted over and over again.
This is completely a matter of opinion, but I think you should show us that she's chanting it over and over... by having her say, "I hate her. I hate her. I hate her." You savvy? ^_~

Quote:
“Ivy…she told the entire school about a secret of mine…”
What is this secret? I suggest you go into more detail, that can also help develop her character. Wink

Quote:
“Well you’re grounded!” Her father said.
This seems a bit sudden to me--I mean, they're still in mourning, aren't they?! It seems to me that they wouldn't be worrying themselves about grounding; the sense of loss would be too heavy.

Quote:
She pleaded with her invisible friend.
What?! He's invisible now? I thought he had big blue wings and an eye-patch. Confused

Quote:
She went peered at her parents, hoping they still had a chance.
Either you should delete the "peered" o you should add an "and" before it... as it is, it doesn't make any sense. XD

Quote:
"Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. Please be alive....'
That last quotation mark should be a double quote (") rather than a single one ('). They're both correct, but since you use double ones everywhere else, you should eb consistent. ^_~
-------------------

Wow. Sylvia is a really terrible character, isn't she? Her former friend "kills herself" and Sylvia laughs it off; her brother dies and she worries about being the favorite again... only after her parents die, does she feel bad. It's not a bad thing, of course, I actually think it's high time there were more mean, selfish, crazy (etc.) main characters.

I wish (as, apparently, do some other reviewers) that you spread it out a bit more... everything is really sudden and almost choppy... which actually makes it more predictable, in my opinion. Try spreading it out more-- which brings me to my next point...

Description! That's right, you barely describe ANYTHING. Not only do I want to know what your characters and settings look like: I want to know what it smells like, and feels like (temperature). This will also help you space out your events more. Wink

Also, I know Sylvia is a horrible person, but I really think she should have more dramatic reactions to all the deaths that (in a round-about way) she brought on to her family/friends. Doesn't she feel a little guilty?

Anyway, I liked this. It could use some work, but I like it.

I hope this helped... please feel free to PM me if you need anything!

Good luck.
~Azila~

P.S. Welcome to the wonderful YWS! Make sure to read the rules. Laughing

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