Topic ID: 27191
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Sumi H. Inkblot
the enemy's gate is down
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 2887
Reviews: 262
Country: Arglesnarkle
659 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:59 am Post subject: Envy and Adoration |
 |
|
He hated them. He hated how they would laugh, and talk of stranger things.
He hated the way they would laugh it off if they tripped and fell, and the incessant songs they were singing under their breath. He loathed the instruments they played and how they would dance on the balls of their feet when their favorite songs played on the radio.
Light fading into a dusty classroom. Two voices, three heartbeats, and mutual dislike filled the air.
“I don’t get it. What do you have against us?”
Walking out of their world seemed wisest. Perhaps he should hurry.
(“No answer? How can you be so shallow?”)
He despised how they would talk and use poetic analogies, spiraling further and further into an oblivion of obscure words and light –
“Can we call you ‘Matt’?” He had to run to escape the sounds of their laughter, and his own blushing.
Don’t wish me farewell, you little dogs: I won’t be able to return the compliment honestly.
If he could scream and shout and rage, he would. Just keep going to your classes, staring at the back of their heads as they ran in front. Jogging, breezing, as he struggled to run in their wake.
“What? Another C? Matt, we expect better.” Silence, and the nice carpet beneath feet clad in slippers. “Matt?”
Pride gave him little wings and shame spurned him forward, but Envy kept him going…
Where are you taking me?
He hated their perfection. He detested their laughter. But most of all…
He hated how he adored them.
__________________________
I was so nervous about posting this. I think the last time I posted something was in, like, October? Long time ago. Seven Deadly Sins Contest entry, in any case.
The basic theme here is Envy, and Matt is actually based off of...drum roll...me. Yes. I'm extremely jealous and it's not even funny how much of a perfectionist I am.
"Lust" is the undertone I tried to add in...did anyone catch that?
Please rip to shreds. Thanks for reading! ^_^
~Sumi |
_________________
If you believe in Bartemius, put him in your siggy!: @(^_^)@
Got YWS?
Dude! Musical in progress! Reviews are love.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
mikedb1492
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 121
Country: America
797 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:43 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This was really well written, and overall it was good for what it was. The only thing is that I wasn't sure what was going on. I didn't know what was going on between these people or why the main character felt this way, but then again, I don't know if you could have added that in. This kind of writing and be sort of restrictive, I guess. |
_________________
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kepe
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 159
Reviews: 69
Country: USA
609 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
Okay, so I really liked the last few sentences- that was when I really got into the story. mikedb1492 has a point, though. I think your story would be a lot more powerful if we knew what exactly was going on, and why the character had such strong hate/jealousy towards the other characters. Really, I felt the strongest moment in the story was when they laughed at his 'C' because I think everyone can relate to that, I mean most everyone has felt embarrassed about their grades at some point or another.
Quick thing: you said, "(“No answer? How can you be so shallow?”) " I didn't quite understand why you put parentheses around this particular piece of dialog. Maybe this is just me being ignorant. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
KJ
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 368
Reviews: 319
Country: USA
221 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I was reading really fast so this was all I caught:
| Quote: |
| "He hated how they would laugh, and talk of stranger things." |
You meant strange, right?
Now, I think this could be good, if I had had any idea of what was actually GOING ON. You describe emotions really well, and I liked the mysterious quality to this, but there's such a thing as TOO MUCH mystery.
What's going on? Why does he hate them? Why does he adore them? Why are they so cruel to him? Who are THEY?
Keep writing. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Sumi H. Inkblot
the enemy's gate is down
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 2887
Reviews: 262
Country: Arglesnarkle
659 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks for replying!
I used most of the odder things for the style -- dialogue in parenthesis and "stranger things" are purely for stylistic effect.
So I need to expand it a little, huh? All right, I'll try that.
Thanks again for reviewing! I really appreciate it. ^^
~Sumi |
_________________
If you believe in Bartemius, put him in your siggy!: @(^_^)@
Got YWS?
Dude! Musical in progress! Reviews are love. |
|
| Back to top |
|
ChurlishLassy
Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Apr 2007
Posts: 79
Reviews: 31
Country: Ethiopia
100 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
| have you seen ten things I hate about you? 'fraid it has been done before. |
_________________
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Go to heaven for the climate or hell for the company.
The clothes make the man, naked people have little or no effect on society.-Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
