Young Writers Society

Since this is a rather long chapter, I'll break it up based on where I've put scene breaks. This first part of the chapter probably needs a little work as far as description goes, but it works for now. I have more concern about the next part, any way.

It's important to read the previous prologue/chapter (especially the prologue) before reading this one for continuity's sake, so here are the links:

Prologue
Chapter One: Fate Knocks

Part two will be posted after a few critiques/responses/whatever have been given.

[pre]Chapter Two:
Cesarina's Return

The land of the Levana Empire had changed. It was hardly recognizable to Cesarina, who stood there trying to let her mouth gape open in shock of how different things were.

The palace of the Empress, which had once had tall, crystal gates, now had black iron gates you couldn’t even see the palace over. The streets that once bustled with people barely had anyone else in them.

“What . . . what happened here?” Cesarina’s voice was hoarse as she tried to speak.

“The Catchers happened,” Rais replied sarcastically. “They’ve scared everyone pretty badly. We should probably head out of the streets before they come. If they find any Levian’s out here, they’ll want to take you for questioning.”

“Questioning? But why-“ Cesarina was cut off.

“Shh,” Casden said. They could hear voices up ahead. “Catchers are coming.”

The group ran down the street ahead of them and turned down another. Casden found the first door he could that belonged to a store and opened it, holding it open until everyone had entered.

Inside, there were lots of shelves filled with glass bottles of all sizes and medicinal herbs.

“Tyvan, are you here?” Casden asked.

A moment later, a man came from the back of the store. He was older, in his forties and stood at an average height.

“Casden? What are you doing here?” Tyvan asked. At his neck he wore an amulet with the crest of the Levian Empire, which Cesarina immediately recognized. He was not only a man of great importance, but was a member of the Empress’s council. She snuck to the back of the group, hoping she wouldn’t be noticed.

“Catchers were in the streets,” Casden replied. “We have a friend who can’t be caught by them and is hurt.” He turned and looked to where Cesarina stood, trying to hide behind Kelesana. “It’s alright. He won’t hurt you.”

Cesarina looked at her friends, who stepped back and nudged her forward. She stood next to Casden and looked at Tyvan.

“We were on Earth and some Catchers caught up with us. Ces was shot with one of the arrows. She’s a native Levian,” Casden explained.

“Hmm.” Tyvan eyed Cesarina for a moment before turning and grabbing two stools and a pouch from one of the shelves, offering one of the stools to Cesarina. Cesarina sat, taking her shirt partially off and pulling it up so he could see the wound. Tyvan sat next to Cesarina and untied the cloth, looking over her wound carefully before starting to apply some of the mushed herb in his pouch onto her shoulder.

The group was silent as all but Rais, who was on the look out for Catchers, watched. Tyvan cleared his throat as he continued working.

“You’re the outcast the Council banished ten years ago.” It wasn’t a question.

Cesarina thought she felt her heart skip a beat. She turned her head and opened her mouth to reply, but he cut her off.

“I can see the Burn on your shoulder. There aren’t many who carry such a burdon on their shoulders.”

“What makes you think I was banished ten years ago?” Cesarina asked.

“Because I recognize you. I was at the pathetic excuse of a trial they held for you. Unfortunately I was not yet at a position of power that could save you from the fate they sentenced you to,” Tyvan replied.

“Tyvan, we’re going to need to speak to the Council,” Faolan said. “Cesarina is as good as dead if she goes back there without the proper protection.”

“That’s why we need your promise of protection,” Casden said. “I didn’t want to put you in that position, but with everything the catchers are doing, we don’t have a choice.”

Tyvan nodded slowly, considering this as he worked on Cesarina’s arm. He took a new piece of cloth and wrapped it around her arm.

“Consider Cesarina protected, then,” he said after a moment. “I never believed you committed the crime the accused you of, Cesarina. And the way they punished you was just . . . well, I think you know.

“Thank you, sir,” Cesarina said.

“Now, as for this arm . . . the arrow didn’t go too deep. This salve I put on the wound will help to get rid of the poison. Your life force might weaken a bit until you’re healed, but you should be fine otherwise. When do you plan on speaking with the Council?” Tyvan looked at Casden.

“As soon as they grant us an audience,” Casden replied with a shrug.

“I wish you luck, then. I’ll be heading back to the palace as well, so you’ll see me there.”

Casden nodded, and after the group said their good-byes to Tyvan, they left the shop and went into the streets, heading toward the palace.[/pre]

Good job.

Just a few things:

Cesarina, who stood there trying to let her mouth gape open in shock of how different things were.

Did you mean "trying to keep her mouth from gaping open in shock." That would make much more sense.

Casden found the first door he could that belonged to a store and opened it, holding it open until everyone had entered. Inside, there were lots of shelves filled with glass bottles of all sizes and medicinal herbs. "Tyvan, are you here?" Casden asked.

It's a little confusing when you say that Casden opened the first door he could find, but knew exactly where he wanted to be and who was in the building. You could clear that up by saying something along the lines of "Casden ran to the closest store and opened the door..."

"I never believed you committed the crime the accused you of, Cesarina. And the way they punished you was just . . . well, I think you know."

They barely know eachother, so it's a little weird hearing Tyvan speak on a first name basis already. Besides, it's been ten years, how would he remember her name?

Other than those little things, good job!

This is good. I decided to read the prologue and chapter one before commenting and I think my main advice for all three sections is to slow down and add more description. Just a little here and there but it could make all the difference to both your settings and characters. At the moment, your characters are good but they could be developed further. Try to seperate them all, give them each a different way of speaking and a different way of acting. Describe the tone of voice they use occasionally or maybe a habit that one or two of them has. In this situation, they're bound to be nervous so do they fidget? Do their eyes rake the room, do they tug their hair or bite their nails?

Use Cesarina's thoughts and observations to describe changes in the others' personalities. Ten years is a long time and they're bound to be more grim, more or less sure of themselves. More edgy, more discreet.

It's well written so far and your plot is developing well. There's a lot of questions left unanswered which is good and the reader can relate to Cesarina's emotions. The writing is clear. You've explained everything enough without info dumping which is essential to fantasy and generally, I found this interesting and entertaining.

A few small suggestions -

It was hardly recognizable to Cesarina, who stood there trying to let her mouth gape open in shock [s]of[/s] at how different things were.

The palace of the Empress, which had once had tall, crystal gates, now had black iron gates you couldn’t even see the palace over. [This is phrased simply and I think you have the ability to make it more elaborate, more beautiful. Maybe something like 'The palace of the Empress, which was once shielded by tall, crystal gates, was now blocked from sight by looming, twisted rods of black iron.']

“Casden? What are you doing here?” Tyvan asked. [This is a good opportunity to show some personality. Is he angry that Casden is here and has brought danger to his house? Is he surprised? Or does he speak mildly, in a casual, friendly way?]

He was not only a man of great importance, but [s]was[/s] also a member of the Empress’s council.

There aren’t many who carry such a [s]burdon[/s] burden on their shoulders.”

“I never believed you committed the crime they accused you of, Cesarina.

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In general, it's good. I think you could work on setting and character but the plot is well set out and I'd love to read more. Feel free to pm me when you have the next part up,

Heather xx