Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Get A Free YWS Sticker!

Writing Olympics Event #7 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
The Ghost Writer [Chapter one, part one]
The Ghost Writer [Chapter one, part one]

by kitty15 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 4, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
EverWayward #1
EverWayward #2
EverWayward #3
EverWayward #4
EverWayward #5
EverWayward #6
EverWayward #7
EverWayward #8
EverWayward #9
EverWayward #10
EverWayward #11
EverWayward #13
EverWayward #14
EverWayward 1 [Revised]

EverWayward #12
Topic ID: 26698
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Aedomir   View This User's Portfolio
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum

370
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1860
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:54 pm    Post subject: EverWayward #12 Reply with quote

Finally, the moon sank into the black, shapeless figure of the misty yonder, and a morning sun glazed the land in a rich spell. Seridon’s words spoke of foul times, but nothing could rival nature and her stunning magnificence. When Seridon’s eyes peeled back, they locked through the blinding light to a figure of Aedomir. Apparently, he was gazing out across the water’s edge towards the far distance, where the new realm dwelt; or at least, new for him anyway.

Tears streamed in a series of dry rivers down Aedomir’s emotionless face as he crouched over the dampening grass into the lake. The colour of the waters blended into a thick brown slime, as hideous as a Kalbarc, and as ill as four inanimate carcasses. It ran from the distorted mountains downward, past the stormed wilderness. His eyes flicked over the scenery, an unpleasant sight as it stood now. Where once, crystal blue waters had settled like a glorious bath, pools of filth dwindled in a stubborn manner. Through the shallows of his hazy memories, he thought of the old green leaves of tree-clad hillsides, where the sun shone upon the bright coats of new sleet and snow.

But that was all gone now. Aedomir needed no further counsel. The end had struck hard, and with it, beauty and fallen.

“I’m sorry,” Seridon murmured. “But it happened, and that is how it is.”

Aedomir said nothing in hope he would save his pity. Instead he just pulled his eyes to a close and felt the tears trickle down and burn his skin; little room was there now for thought of self honour. A wound deepened in his scorned heart, glazed with waxing sorrow. Pain, anger and his eye for vengeance melted into one. In an instance, Aedomir arose with clenched fist.

“We must leave, now,” he growled. “Two we shall set out as, and by the dusk of our road we shall be seven. Now, we shall go!”

Seridon took no thought but to obey the command. With uttermost speed he packed his equipment and quenched the few remaining sparks of fire. “Let us travel with all haste across a fivefold road, with duty to gather five of your kin.”

“My only kin,” Aedomir corrected. “And why is it you seem to follow me so? An almost loyalty guides you, I find.”

“These savages may have reigned a long millennium, but now their time will be challenged. Let them face the wrath of not only one, Aedomir Scar-turner Fortongue, but seven! Let them flee before his might!” cried the last of Seridon’s breath as he roared into the sky.

Aedomir could barely resist a cheerful beam. “Your ability has been proven to me, and your passion, is admirable.” Aedomir’s voice shrunk, and he ended up murmuring beneath his shallow breath. “But not even now can my vision see. Strength cannot be kindled by me alone, nor any man who seeks power in solitude for that matter. I do not know what is that I shall face, or how I shall. But alas! We must journey on and regain the trust of my comrades, or you shall, at least. I can only hope they remember life’s intent! If you still wish to accompany me, I would be more than grateful for your guidance.”

Seridon looked to the heavens. “Aye! We travel together.”

“And to what debt do I owe this? You have already saved me for no cause once, yet you still walk with me?” Aedomir let on to be puzzled, but something inside him said he need not have an answer.

“Lonesome comrade, material wealth has no benefit to me.”

The voice that followed was warm and generous, “then what is it you desire? How may I serve you?”

Seridon hesitated before replying. “But that is it, I wish to serve you. I ask only your forgiveness, and your friendship, or is that too much to plea for? In return I offer you my sword and my oath to follow you, wherever our winding rivers flow. ” He knelt down and looked to the floor.

Aedomir studied him from a short distance away. At decisive length, he answered, “companion, you cannot barter friendship. You must earn it.”

A hesitant look stared up at Aedomir, who met it and smiled.

“Which you already have,” he continued. “A dark veil if illness was bestowed upon us, and for that, I forgive you, but not myself. We shall now lift it, and rally to a favourable end!”

At once, Seridon arose and bowed. “Now hurry!” he said. “Before time defeats us!”

#

They passed across the plains by quick foot. Aedomir had claimed some venison, making but a sport of the game chase, and between them, a new energy had turned true. They ate in a quick break hungrily, and fed the rest to Rothorn. For the first in a long time, Aedomir felt focused, driven by determination as it keenly flowed through his blood. Soon, Aedomir deemed it necessary to counsel with Seridon on where they should go.


_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.


Last edited by Aedomir on Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Aedomir   View This User's Portfolio
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum

370
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1860
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Please review!

_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
khfan890   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 226
Reviews: 33
Country: the best country in the world
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Aedomir! You reviewed my story, so I decided to come see yours. First of all, this is the first part of your twelve or fourteen parts you've posted on here that I've read. I don't know what in the world is going on, quite frankly, although I will say you did a good job of capturing my interest in Aedomir. But there are a couple of things I noticed.

First of all, I don't know if this is how you write in England or not (you do live in England, right?), so I'm not trying to criticize their writing style against the Americans. There are a few things you say throughout the story that could use some improvising. I'll try to do as much as I can in the time frame I have. Also, I read on this sight that towards is not a word. So go through here and correct all of those to torward.

Quote:
When Seridon’s eyes peeled back, they looked through the blinding light to the figure of Aedomir.


Quote:
Tears streamed in a series of dry rivers down Aedomir’s emotionless face as he crouched over the dampening grass into the lake.


He's crying and his face is emotionless? Are you sure about that?

Quote:
The colour of the waters blended into a thick brown slime, as hideous as a Kalbarc, and as ill as four inanimate carcasses. It ran from the distorted mountains downward, past the stormed wilderness. His eyes flicked over the scenery, an unpleasant sight as it stood now. Where once, crystal blue waters had settled like a glorious bath, pools of filth dwindled in a stubborn manner. Through the shallows of his hazy memories, he thought of the old green leaves of tree-clad hillsides, where the sun shone upon the bright coats of new sleet and snow.


This whole paragraph sort of bugged me. First of all, I think the problem is that you're trying to use big words to convey a simple meaning. I'd almost rather imagine the places myself instead of having to strain my mind to get the exact meaning of what you're saying (and no, I'm not too lazy and stupid to use my brain for something).

Quote:
Instead he just pulled his eyes to a close and felt the tears trickle down and burn his skin; little room was there now for thought of self honour. A wound deepened in his scorned heart, glazed with waxing sorrow. Pain, anger, and his eye for vengeance melted into one. In an instance, Aedomir arose with clenched fist.


Here's another example of what I'm saying about using too many words to say what you want to say. "Pulled his eyes to a close" can simply be "closed his eyes". It reads much better.

Quote:
“Let us travel with all haste across a fivefold road, with duty to gather five of your kin.”


There's probably a better way to restate that. Maybe, although I can't think of one right now...

Ok, I don't really have time to do more right now, but I think there was more that I saw in the way of grammar and using too many words to say what you want to say. So work on that. Otherwise, the story seems fine!

_________________
Death is no respecter of persons. Just felt like saying that.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Aedomir   View This User's Portfolio
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum

370
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1860
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the review, it is really appreciated. I belive towards is a word, although toward is preferred. It is strange, I never even heard of toward, Very Happy.

I think my writing is very archaic (which I am not saying is good!) and ye, it wouldn't make a very good bedtime story, lol.

Thanks for the review!

_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
In the non perverted way.
Master of the Forum

573
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1493
Reviews: 573
Country: Gotham City
984 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope. I just looked it up on dictionary.com and it says that 'towards' isn't a word.

See?

-Jared

I critiqued this on POP, remember?

_________________
If you're a Mormon writer who wants to get to know other people like yourself, or if you're someone who wants to learn more about our church, join The Mormon Club.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Aedomir   View This User's Portfolio
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum

370
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1860
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ye, I remember thanks for the review BBB.

Actually, if you look just below it says:

Quote:
Usage Note: Some critics have tried to discern a semantic distinction between toward and towards, but the difference is entirely dialectal. Toward is more common in American English; towards is the predominant form in British English.

_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on March 4, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on March 4, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society