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Nightwalker
Nightwalker

by Chosenofair in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on February 1, 2008
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Mutts - School
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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:00 am    Post subject: Mutts - School Reply with quote

12/12/07

088 – School

The little boy couldn’t have been more than seven. He was a cute little guy; with cheeks just plump enough to be cute without being babyish or fat. He had his little Spider-man backpack and his lunchbox had a big picture of an airplane on it.

He was sitting in the back of my squad car, crying softly. I wanted to hug him, but I was supposed to maintain my still policewoman persona, so I hid behind my fly-eye glasses. I did hand him a pack of tissues though, and I talked to him the whole drive: mostly investigative questions – had to follow some kind of procedure – about his family. I could see that he wasn’t a neglected kid and he was well-mannered, so probably not abused, though some you can’t tell. He seemed like he would be a regular happy kid had the mean police officer not pulled up and dragged him off the street.

He told me the name of his school in a quiet voice when I asked him. It was a nice school. Why had the kid been walking alone on the street? Hadn’t the bus noticed that he hadn’t gotten on? It was illegal for kids to walk to school.

The principal was a tall lady with flats. I liked her. Sensible footwear always got a person on my good side. She seemed shocked to see the little boy.

“Gordon?”

Then she hurried to him and knelt down beside him. Didn’t bend over him. Got down on her knees to his eyelevel.

“Why are you here? I thought you had called in sick.”

Gordon was crying again. He had taken off his backpack and was hugging it. Poor little guy. I almost wished that Spider-man were real so that he could save the kid from all his troubles.

“Why is the police woman with you?”

Another point for her. Call me old-fashioned, but I hate the politically correct genderless ‘police officer’ or some other crap like that. She looked at me expectantly. I took off my glasses.

“I found him walking alone on Courtyard Road, miss…”

“I’m sorry. Baley. Felicia Baley.”

“Officer Hood.”

She had a nice last name. I couldn’t wait to get rid of mine. My fiancé has a great last name: Memoire. Bryan Memoire. Mine will be alliterative: Martha Memoire. Whatever. I like it.

I shook the principal’s hand. I think I might have scared her with my handshake. I shake like a man.

“He was on his own, Miss Baley. It’s against the law for children to come to school unaccompanied.”

She nodded vigorously in agreement. “Yes, yes, I know. Gordan’s mother called in saying he was sick and wouldn’t be in today.” She turned to the little boy. “What happened?”

The words were still a little watery, but Gordon had stopped sobbing.

“Peter said he was going to beat me up if I didn’t go alone. He dared me. And he hit me.”

He pulled up his shirt to reveal a bruise on his ribs. I studied it. It was too small to be any fist but a child’s, but that would have to be one hulk of a kid to leave that kind of a bruise. Then Peter was called to the office and I believed every word Gordon had said.

Stereotyping is one of my weaknesses, I’ll admit it. But anyone who had ever been picked on in school would have recognized this kid as the villain from their nightmares.

The conversation was short. Bullies often back down when threatened and Peter confessed to everything. But I knew that the minute no one was looking, his tyrannical reign would begin again. Then Miss Baley spoke.

“That does it. There’s been too much of this, Peter. You’ve used up your warnings. We’re going to call up your mother. You are expelled.”

I went back to the station happy. As dangerous as the streets might be for a child, sometimes it can be just as dangerous among familiar faces.


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Last edited by GryphonFledgling on Wed May 28, 2008 11:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Teh Wozzinator   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just wanted to say I read this--I've got to leave in a couple of minutes, but I wouldn't have the best crit anyways. Your writing style's great, and I love love love the story. Lol. I thought it was kinda funny when the Police woman said, "I shake like a man." Anyways, good job, keep it up. This kind of seems like a different type of story, as it hasn't mentioned the Mutts, but as you said... it should make sense in the end.

The only possibly editor comment I have is this: this story seems to take place quite a while in the future, so is Spider-man still commonly known? Lol.... Just curious. It's your story.

I thought that this was a really good piece of work, one of my favorite Mutts chapters yet (except that it doesn't seem to fit right now...but as I said before--it will in the end, I believe).

So yeah, keep writing, and don't forget to PM me!

Teh Wozzinator

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"The little boy couldn’t have been more than seven. He was a cute little guy; with cheeks just plump enough to be cute without being babyish or fat. He had his little Spider-man backpack and his lunchbox had a big picture of an airplane on it."

- You repeat “little” three times here, the third is okay – I only noticed it on the second read- but the other two appear repetitive and stand out. I would suggest changing the first to something like “He couldn’t…”


"He was sitting in the back of my squad car, crying softly. I wanted to hug him, but I was supposed to maintain my still policewoman persona, so I hid behind my fly-eye glasses."

- “Still” feels like the wrong word to use here. Perhaps “harsh” or “stoic” would match with the image a bit better? And what, pray tell, are “fly-eye glasses”? The phrase itself is slightly ludicrous sounding, although I assume it is accurate to whatever the glasses look like.


"Why had the kid been walking alone on the street? Hadn’t the bus noticed that he hadn’t gotten on? It was illegal for kids to walk to school."

- This feels odd. I’m not entirely sure why – although I know the last sentence feels entirely like an info dump and you should try to meld it into the sentence in some way. The “bus” cannot notice anything. The bus driver, however, can. And *why* is it illegal? Unanswered questions are sometimes okay, but this feels odd still.


"The principal was a tall lady with flats. I liked her. Sensible footwear always got a person on my good side. She seemed shocked to see the little boy."

- “Tall lady” – I think you would do better to say “woman” instead of lady.


"She had a nice last name. I couldn’t wait to get rid of mine. My fiancé has a great last name: Memoire. Bryan Memoire. Mine will be alliterative: Martha Memoire. Whatever. I like it."

- “whatever” doesn’t fit at all, remove it.


"“Peter said he was going to beat me up if I didn’t go alone. He dared me. And he hit me.”

He pulled up his shirt to reveal a bruise on his ribs."

- For a kid being bullied, he sure gave in easy. No attempt at lying, no avoidance… just gives in and presents the name. It’s both odd, and somehow I can’t believe it.


"But anyone who had ever been picked on in school would have recognized this kid as the villain from their nightmares."

- Why? Describe the kid some. Not everyone has met a bully. ^^


"But I knew that the minute no one was looking, his tyrannical reign would begin again."


- “Tyrannical reign” – it’s one kid, and the officer knows nothing of other events in the like. I doubt she’d be thinking along these lines. Plus, they’re children, one doesn’t think in these terms when considering children, especially not a woman as soft as this one appears to be.

" “That does it. There’s been too much of this, Peter. You’ve used up your warnings. We’re going to call up your mother. You are expelled.” "

- How old is Peter? Depending on the age it would be rather unlikely that the principal would even tell the kid. She’d just call his parents and deal with it like that.

"I went back to the station happy. As dangerous as the streets might be for a child, sometimes it can be just as dangerous among familiar faces."


- A lovely, afterschool special. I can’t help but think it, looking at your last line. Everything just lines up all pretty like, and there are no issues, but everyone learns “an important lesson.”

Everything was too quick, I think. You’ve shot through the entire experience with no elaboration or description, except for some shoes and a handshake. We don’t know how old the other kid is, we don’t know if Gordon has been bullied before. And may I ask, is Peter his brother, neighbor? How does Peter dare him to walk on his own that day unless he’s situated close to him? It’s something I would prefer answered.

All that said, I like this, I appreciate your style. I enjoy the reference to Spiderman – yes I think he’ll be around for a while, just like his is now, like Batman and the Incredible Hulk are (and all the rest) – I look forward to your next work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, hon. Here's my proper crit of this.

Ta,
Cal.




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