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by Conrad Rice in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 1, 2008
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Magics : Prologue
DoaV (1st version): Prologue
DoaV (2nd Version): Prologue Part 1
DoaV (2nd version): Prologue Part 2
Diary of a Villain: Prologue Part 2
Diary of a Villain : Yazra meets Varesh

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:11 am    Post subject: Diary of a Villain: Prologue Part 1 Reply with quote

*hugs for everyone!* 12 stars! *happy dance* =P Now I just have to hope Chapter One isn't a let down for everyone. XD

Trial of a Villain

Esten, High Judge of the seven hundredth Soul Transition Station, opened her door and looked out. A line of glowing blue forms looked back at her, some mewling as only a loose soul could. The line went all the way along the short “Next,” she sighed, wishing for the third time that day—and she’d only done three souls since opening her office an hour ago— that she still had a secretary.

Two souls glided, essences twined together at the fingers. Oh uh, she thought. “I can only do one at a time,” she informed them, motioning for one of them to come forward. The two leaned closer together, their essences beginning to merge at points. Esten sucked in a deep breath, keeping herself from cursing. She wouldn’t be punished for it, but she had to set an example.

“Come in, then,” she said finally. The two souls, still tightly twined around each other, glided into the office. Esten sighed; this was going to be a long day. She shut the door and walked to her desk, noticing how the souls looked about them in curiosity. Esten had been born during the 21st century on the third ‘sentient’ world of the six hundred and twenty-third universe. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, with modernized chairs, lamps and a glow lamp on in the corner. Since the seven hundredth universe was still in its early years, the environment was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily. Luckily, this universe had magic, so they did not cower away from the electric lights as she’d learned souls tended to do in other universes.

“Which one of you will go first?” Esten asked, sitting down. The souls looked at each other, and the female took a place in the seat before the desk. The other, male, floated behind her, ethereal hand’s still locked together. Esten rarely had the pleasure of knowing whether or not to call her spirits sir or madam, since they rarely had the presence of mind to define themselves as male or female.

“Place your hand in the bowl,” Esten instructed her. The bowl—which sat in the center of Esten’s desk—was made of venysl, a substance that allowed Esten to see clear images of the spirit’s thoughts. Very few knew how to communicate in ethereal form, and Esten had no patient to teach them.

The spirit leaned to the desk and slid her hand into the bowl, eyes watching the silvery surface.

“As you can see, there are many others who wait judgment. So I will only explain this once.” Inwardly, Esten cursed. At the station in her universe, there had been greeters who worked under the reaper who explained these simple things to the spirits when they arrived, but this universe was too new; the station only counted the Reaper, two under reapers, three hundred case workers who came and went, and Esten herself. The reapers, to Esten’s annoyance, had the responsibility of ferrying the souls to their respective places. And caseworkers were responsible to watching the souls in the mortal realm and recording their case information. Understaffed as they were, the cases were rarely complete and gave a horrible image of what these people had really done in their lives. Just as well, Esten thought, the growing population demanded a faster recycle rate for the souls anyways.

“You are at a Station. Here, I will judge you on your life. You will receive years in heaven for good acts, and years in hell for bad acts. In hell, you will be submitted to punishments befitting of your crimes, in heaven you will live freely and happily until you have used up all your years and are returned to the moral realm for a new life,”

“Do our intentions have any effect on our judgment?” a clear voice asked. Esten gaped. This was the first time since being posted here a soul had managed to speak to her directly without median of the pool.

Esten frowned. The issue of ‘intentions’ had raised quite a debate, when the stations were first established. Now, your acts were judged on the positive and negative effect they had. If you stole to survive, you would ear years in hell for theft, but if you had stolen to feed yourself and a sibling, then you would also earn time in heaven for caring for the sibling.

“Not really,” Esten informed the soul. “I will look at your record, and judge you upon it. You will, before that, be given a chance to present your case. All you have to do is focus on a memory, and I will take it’s content into consideration.”

The soul hesitated; it’s glow flickering in places as it debated. Then, an image formed in the silver of the pool.

####################

Apparently, the man who said ‘you are what you choose to be’ was a liar. A really horrible liar who took joy in making innocent little children believe that they could choose their own destiny and be whoever they wanted to be. If he’s still alive, someone should help him realize the error of his ways. It will start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny, why don’t you decide you’re going to live while my knife and I decide you’re going to die, and see whose will is stronger.”

These were my thoughts as I watched the blood trickle down my arm and drip unto the packed earth floor of the barn. Realizing how immoral my thoughts had become, I cried in frustration. “Why is it so hard to be good?” I wailed. It was my first day and already I was back to thinking dark and corrupt things.

As if he’d said something, I turned to the farmer and sighed, my frustration shifting towards despair. “Don’t look at me like that,” I grumbled. “You didn’t believe any of that ‘you can be whoever you want to be’ nonsense either. If you had,” I reminded him, “we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

His silence was answer enough: what was done was done. No point moping about it now. I’d have plenty of time to do that when I got out of there—if I got out of there. My eyes darted furtively to the barn door, still ajar from when the farmer had entered. Outside, the noon sun glared down upon the fields, letting the last warmth of summer caress the land. I’d never make it out there, I realized. Not without a horse.

A breeze pushed the door farther ajar, sending little bits of hay floating through the air. I turned to the farmer, then back to the door. If I healed myself, I would need to rest—if I went outside, they would catch me. I looked around the barn, finally setting my sights on a dark corner up in the loft. If anyone did come in here, they’d be much too busy to notice a little extra shadow.

There was a man with a pitch fork through his stomach lying on the floor, after all.

####################

Esten stared as the image faded and the pool returned to its silvery color. She looked up at the soul and frowned.

“This is your defense?” Esten asked, incredulous. This spirit obviously had a sense of morals, so why had they chosen to use such a memory to represent themselves? Most people presented their fondest memories, or scrambled to find a moment where they were truly giving and kind.

“A single memory cannot trace the map of our lives. This one is as good as any,” the soul echoed in the odd ethereal voice all souls had. Esten, accustomed to the more filtered voice of the pool, found herself straining to catch the words the spirit spoke.

“You can take out your hands,” Esten said with a sigh. The spirit withdrew, but a small speck remained. This was her case—a small speck of knowledge that clung to a soul from the moment it began the cycle to the moment it ended it. Esten watched as, disconnected from its soul, it unfolded.

Images began to form in the pool, flashing by in an instant. Esten realized, wit annoyance, that this was a full case. There was no way she could pass judgment on a lifetime—not with the little time she had. She was lucky the station worked outside of time, allowing the reaper to enter the universe at any moment and retrieve souls then—if it were otherwise she would never be able to handle the constant flux of souls.

Not that their reaper could have handled real time reaping. Most souls found their way without help, but those for whom the reaper was responsible were delayed—usually by an inability to let go of life. Johnson, their reaper, was fresh off the wrack and his green hand in the field showed.

Esten closed her eyes, the onslaught of images giving her a headache. She opened her top drawer and drew out her glasses. There allowed her to see a soul's ‘acts’ in colors. Each color represented a type of act, and they appeared proportionate to the person’s life. She didn’t usually use them, as it took a lot of energy and—more importantly—the technology was in the testing stages. However, it was much easier for her to pas fair judgment this way.

She waved for the second soul to move behind the desk, and after a moment he did. Esten slid on the glasses and looked at the soul before her. At once, she knew it wasn’t good. All manner of conscious sins—which shouldn’t necessarily be judged, though the system they had in place didn’t allow judges like Esten the time to discern what sins were conscious and which were not—danced across the souls surface, appearing as dark shadows that twisted the blue light. Some good acts showed as well, but they many were unconscious, meaning this soul had not intended them. There was far darker than there was light. Esten watched the colors for a long time, mentally calculating the sentence.

Finally, she took off the glasses and reached into the bowl, the case folding up under her touch. In the language of administrators, she dictated the sentence. It would be a long one, and none too kind. Many lives stained this soul.

“Fifteen hundred years in hell. Your punishments will be proportionate to your crimes,” Esten announced.

She expected the soul to cringe, to flinch. But it did not; it looked at her evenly, without the glasses simply glowing with a steady blue ethereal light. “I understand.”

“When you have finished your sentence, you will be granted a hundred years in heaven.”

“And then?”

“Your soul will be returned to the mortal plain.”

“Will I have my memories?”

“No. Your essence will be completely recycled, made anew. You will continue to exist but you won’t be aware of it, though you might end up with a similar personality.”

The soul began to flicker, and almost instantly the second was at her side. They clung to each other, fearing that when this time came they would be parted. This was what Esten hated about coupled—they didn’t have the time to adjust to the afterlife separately, and so began to dread the recycling process as a pair, rather than accepting it as an individual and then appreciating their time together.

Love rarely transcended to the after life, people tended to never meet their loved ones from life. They managed anyways.

“You’re next.” She said. The male soul hesitated, but took the chair while his partner floated off to the side. Esten waved to the pool, impatient to be free of them. The soul reached forward, and touched the pool. It began to ripple. “I will go with her,” an indistinct voice echoed from the water.

“I cannot give you a sentence that is not yours to bear.” She informed him. It went against the rules.

The soul withdrew its hand from the pool and sat stubbornly in the chair. Esten sighed. “If you don’t wish to represent yourself then fine. I will pass judgment regardless.”

To Esten’s annoyance, the case file was also full. Someone had sent too much time with this soul. What were those caseworkers doing? Did they not realize that even in a new universe, there were millions of souls that needed casing? With an annoyed sound, she waved the female soul behind the desk so her colors wouldn’t affect the reading and put the glasses on.

A blinding light suddenly flared, making Esten cry out and she covered her eyes. The soul behind her touched her shoulder. “Are you alright?”

Esten pulled off the glasses, rubbing her eyes. Little spots of light danced across her vision.

Damnation, she thought.

She’d seen this light before, though never so intense. It was the light of selflessness, or self-sacrifice. This soul had given his life to others, and from the intensity, saved many, many lives in doing so. He was untouchable: an honored soul.

His place in heaven was assured, for as long as he wanted it.

“It seems you did something very good with your life,” Esten said.

The soul reached into the pool.

“I want to go with her. I will share her punishment.”

Esten stared. Very few souls chose hell over heaven. In fact, none had in her many centuries at the desk. However, Heaven had very specific rules: honored souls of the heavenly variety could go where they pleased, and like members of the administration, were allowed to keep memories of their past lives when they were recycled.

The administration of hell would surely not mind another soul; only the warped and twisted worked that branch of administration, under the watchful eye of those who dared deal with them. They took pleasure in tormenting other souls, though for the most part minor sins were punished with free labor set-aside just for them.

Esten considered. Heaven wanted their honored souls—needed them, actually. These souls carried a power for goodness that was needed to purify souls in the recycling process. And with the number of lives in the universes all having reached their ‘growth’ stage, the number of new souls being produced was higher, as so the number that needed recycling was, as well. The administration had even hinted they preferred shorter stays in both hell and heaven, because making new souls was far more grueling than recycling old ones. Esten’s refusal to take a hint had resulted in her being ‘recommended’ to this lesser position.

“You are an honored soul, sir. If you would like to go to hell, then I don’t have the authority to stop you. The boat leaves at the end of the day,” Esten said, a small smile creeping unto her face. She took the case file and added an instruction that he was to be kept with the girl soul at all times, sharing her punishment. She handed it over, and he bowed. The two souls were together at once, obviously rejoicing. They glided out of the room, humming with contentment. Some people could be happy anywhere, so long as they had each other.

It was unfortunate that such happiness was not one you were usually granted as you made your way to hell.

######

If you are an old reader of DoaV, you are probably going 'o.O' right about now. Have no fear. The story style you are used to (third person and all, I decided first person is too limited for me to work with =P) will be returning in chapter one. Promise.

Feedback Questions

1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character?

2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?

3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?

4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)

5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly*

Sorry there are so many questions. This is a new take on DoaV so I have a lot of questions about what people think. I'm open to all other input, of course. ^_^

Feedback Questions for old readers

1) What do you think of the changes I've made? Do you think it has promise?

Bonus: Keek tries her hand at description! <It's very short. Take a look! Very Happy


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Last edited by Sleeping Valor on Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:11 pm; edited 12 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really good! =] I haven't read DoaV so I can't really make a comparison but it definately seems to have promise and made me want to read more.

well I'm not to great at giving feedback/crit >.< but I'll give it a go..

Feedback Questions
1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character? Yeh, I thought you developed her character well
2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?
3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?

I got a lil bit confuzed with this part -

Esten had been born into the six hundred and twenty-first universe, dying during the turn of the 21st century. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, but since the seven hundredth universe was still in it’s early years, it was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily.

4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)

the above, also I don't understand this part -

The souls looked at each other, and the female took a place I the east before the desk.

5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly* I think the beginning was fine, it was pretty intriguing and made me want to read on
6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*) Trial of a Villain isn't bad, DoaV does sound more interesting but I'm sure you can think up a better one in time

Also, unless it was for a specific reason, I think it would be better to put the section in first person after the part about the souls, instead of sliced in between.

Typos:

The soul reached into eh pool.

And with the number of lives in the universes all having reached heir ‘growth’ stage
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooohhh....

Quote:
Feedback Questions
1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character?


I really liked her. She is a great character.

Quote:
2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where?


No, to me it was fine. You did a great job in painting the picture without drowning the reader in words.

Quote:
3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing?


There was quite a bit of telling rather than showing, but it was mostly stuff that we wouldn't know otherwise, so I'm not quite sure how to tell you how to fix it. There were some info-dumps (about the reapers, Esten's office and such) but I really am not sure what to tell you to do there.

The two parts that Autumn pointed out, I also had trouble with those... What exactly was going on there?

Quote:
4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls)


No, I have figured out who the female one is already, and we haven't met the male one yet, so I wouldn't know. I liked the fact that they remained anonymous. It will give the reader a sense of triumph when they figure out who they are. And plus, with your descriptions of them and the one scene we have seen already in Yazra's mind, I'm already attached to the characters, even without names.

Quote:
5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly*


No, I like it the way it is. Sweet job...

Quote:
6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*)


I liked Diary of a Villain better, but I really suck and titles, so I can't help you there... Sorry...

Quote:
Sorry there are so many questions. This is a new take on DoaV so I have a lot of questions about what people think. I'm open to all other input, of course. ^_^


Hey, no problem with the questions. I actually appreciate it, since it lets me know what you want help with specifically, plus it leaves the door open for more stuff at the same time.

Quote:
Feedback Questions for old readers
1) What do you think of the changes I've made? Do you think it has promise?


Yes! This is so great. It honestly makes for a bit more of an interesting beginning in my opinion. Very nice job.

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Also, unless it was for a specific reason, I think it would be better to put the section in first person after the part about the souls, instead of sliced in between.

=P It is there for a specific reason, actually. That's the memory the souls chooses to share with Esten in its defence. I might be altering the way it is presented, though. I'm playing with the idea of having the whole thing in itlic without the '###' separting it. I'll see if it's too confusing. =P

Quote:
Yes! This is so great. It honestly makes for a bit more of an interesting beginning in my opinion. Very nice job.

^_^ I'm glad you liked it. When I got the idea, I thought it would probably be a little confusing at first, but it felt right to use it.

Thanks for the crits guys! I made the changes to those parts (mostly typos. I don't know why Microsoft Word thinks 'eh' is a word >_>) so hopefully they'll be less confusing.

^_^ Keek!

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 4:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, I don't have time for a crit right now, tomorrow I'll read this and edit this post, but I wanted to say... "someone got confused". XD XD Very Happy

Okay, here's my crit:

"you would earn years in hell for theft"

Typo, I believe?

"The souls looked at each other, and the female took a place in the seat before the desk. The other, male, floated behind her, ethereal hand’s still locked together. Esten rarely had the pleasure of knowing whether or not to call her spirits sir or madam, since they rarely had the presence of mind to define themselves as male or female."

Wouldn't she know what to call them, since she can tell whether they're male or female? Your wording here makes it sound like you're saying that she doesn't know what sex they are, where I believe you mean that they themselves don't know? Your wording gets confusing here...

"There was a man with a pitch fork through his stomach lying on the floor, after all."

Pitchfork is one word...

In the second scene between the "####################"s, I guess you took that from the doctor part. I like this version better, because the way you wrote the doctor, it seemed like the story was set in more recent times. But in this version, you don't tell us why she killed the farmer (or even if she was the one who did it), whereas you did with the doctor. A little bit more background info would be helpful here.

"Esten stared as the image faded and the pool returned to its silvery color."

That sounds a lot like the little memory things in Harry Potter... (I can't remember the name.)

"“A single memory cannot trace the map of our lives. This one is as good as any,”"

I liked this.

"Esten realized, with annoyance, that this was a full case."

Another typo.

"Johnson, their reaper, was fresh off the wrack No w in "rack". and his green hand in the field showed."

Besides the typo, I loved this sentence.

"However, it was much easier for her to pass fair judgment this way."

"Some good acts showed as well, but they Do you mean then?? many were unconscious, meaning this soul had not intended them."

... typo, I guess

"There was far darker than there was light."

I think that "far more dark" is what you're looking for here?

"Finally, she took off the glasses and reached into the bowl, the case folding up under her touch. In the language of administrators, she dictated the sentence. It would be a long one, and none too kind. Many lives stained this soul."

I liked the administrators sentence... but I'm guessing this is Yazra, isn't it... if it is, that's too bad, because I thought she was nicer than this. Crying or Very sad Very Happy

"“Your soul will be returned to the mortal plain.”
“Will I have my memories?”
“No. Your essence will be completely recycled, made anew. You will continue to exist, but you won’t be aware of it, though you might end up with a similar personality.”"

Don't you want to space these paragraphs out? Also, I didn't understand this. Does it mean that she'll continue to exist, but she won't remember her former self? Or will she be more like a ghost?

Question answers:

1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character? Realistic enough, I think. I think you did a pretty good job with her.
2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where? Good here, too... more description with the farmer scene, however.
3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing? I understand fine... I think. I'm guessing that the female soul was Yazra... kinda interesting that she hooked up with a perfect guy. XD XD XD
4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls) The farmer scene... Other than that, nope. I like mystery like that... I like writing and reading that way.
5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly* [b]Okay, I didn't like it as much as the start of DoaV (original), but it was still pretty good.

6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*) Ugh. I am terrible at this (titles)... seriously. Sorry! (I did like DoaV better though...)

1) What do you think of the changes I've made? Do you think it has promise? Yes, I think so... I think you did a very good job with this scene.

Overall, good job, Keek! (Again.)

I like your idea for a twist!

Teh Wozzinator

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Last edited by Teh Wozzinator on Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To be honest, I don't like the change. I mean, "administrating" heaven and hell? And no, souls don't choose where they go.
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, not the best at crits.(as you have probably noticed.) The change to me is a little odd, i don't know where it's really going. I do, however, think that if this was a book then I would read it.

Feedback Questions:

1. Judge Esten does seem like a real character, I don't know what else I could say to that, she thinks and such. There isn't much emotion though, but I think that's really hard to put in this type of situation.

2. i think that the description was fine, except maybe more description on Judge Esten's appearance.

3. i would like to understand the 'recycling' and memories. That confuzed me a little. Showing and telling... I really don't have much judge for that.

4. This was interesting, in the beginning I was wondering where it was going, because it started off by introducing us to a character.

5. The tittle didn't pick me up as much, but it does make more sense than DoaV, because there isn't a diary anymore. But, if you could think of a more catchy name, then that would be lovely.

Feedback Question for old readers:
1. I like the changes, they are interesting. I think this does have promise.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really good! Even though it might have seemed to start off slow, you don't want to throw an onslaught of action to the reader in the first two paragraphs.

In the first paragraph, there was a little thing that kind of gave the sentence a hiccup-feeling, which you might want to look into smoothing out. It was right here -
“Next,” she sighed, wishing for the third time that day—and she’d only done three souls since opening her office an hour ago—she wished that she still had a secretary. -
It might be a debatable point, but 'wishing for the third time that day -(something else)-she wished that...' slightly disrupts that flow of the paragraph.

Concerning descriptions and making things clear, you do enough of that. Most readers don't expect to get all the information about the world or universe that they are reading about in the prologue or in the chapter. Since you're writing from the point of view of someone who has lived in that world for centuries, it makes the beginning easier to write it as she would think it - though there will be tons of unknown (to the reader) words or names or things mentioned. Usually in books that have extremely different universes, the readers know that they will find out more about the universe through the course of the book. So, make sure that you sufficiently familiarize the reader with everything they need to know, though gently and a bit at a time. Make sense?

This story has great potential. Keep up the good work!
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kyte wrote:
To be honest, I don't like the change. I mean, "administrating" heaven and hell? And no, souls don't choose where they go.

=P Sorry you don't much like it. If you feel that way, just wait until chapter one, things mostly go back to normal then. I don't know if the idea is horribly original, but I was having trouble figuring out how to tie everything together and somehow ended up here. I'd like to, once I find the time, actually work on this aspect of the world a bit more. I don't really like that I'm using heaven and hell, but right now I am so swamped with homework I haven't got the time to come up with a nicer concept.

MidnightVampire wrote:
The tittle didn't pick me up as much, but it does make more sense than DoaV, because there isn't a diary anymore. But, if you could think of a more catchy name, then that would be lovely.

Thanks for the crit! I do love heaving from people, even if they don't think they have much to say. And yes, I feel the same way about the title. I'm going to have to wait for the story to develop a bit more to come up with something better. *would have called it DoaV anyways if she didn't already have so much stuff with that name up* >_>

Window, thanks! You're advice is very helpful. I think you're right, explaining the world right away isn't necessary. *brain working overtime* Very Happy Okies! I shall go make some changes ASAP. Thanks a bundle!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Darling! Here we are, and here we go:


Quote:
the seven hundredth Soul Transition Station


Might work better as “700th”


Quote:
The line went all the way along the short “Next,” she sighed,


Eh? Confuzzled bird.


Quote:
Esten had been born during the 21st century on the third ‘sentient’ world of the six hundred and twenty-third universe. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, with modernized chairs, lamps and a glow lamp on in the corner. Since the seven hundredth universe was still in its early years, the environment was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily. Luckily, this universe had magic, so they did not cower away from the electric lights as she’d learned souls tended to do in other universes.


Okay, except for that first sentence, you handle this exposition beautifully, intermingling it with description and some nice world-building. It’s just that first sentence feels like you’re saying “Okay, now I’m going to tell you a, b, c, and d.” Either nix it or, if you can, modify it so it doesn’t start the otherwise great paragraph off on the wrong foot.


Quote:
the presence of mind to define themselves as male or female.


And how do they define themselves? Appearance? Aura? Funny smell?


Quote:
At the station in her universe, there had been greeters who worked under the reaper who explained these simple things to the spirits when they arrived, but this universe was too new; the station only counted the Reaper, two under reapers, three hundred case workers who came and went, and Esten herself.


Ah! Drowning in long sentence with lots of info! Please break this up into at least 2, preferably 3 sentences, and maybe clarify a little bit (especially “the station only counted”—I didn’t get that phrase at all).


Quote:
The reapers, to Esten’s annoyance, had the responsibility of ferrying the souls to their respective places.


Um…why does this annoy her?


Quote:
responsible to watching the souls


“for”


Quote:
Esten gaped.

Esten frowned.


There’s only a mere sentence between these two, and it just seems a bit of a gear-shift to go from gaping directly to frowning. Perhaps have more transition or just tone down the words (something less “extreme” than gasping or frowning).


Quote:
you would ear years in hell


“earn”


Quote:
I will take it’s content


“its”


Quote:
There was a man with a pitch fork through his stomach lying on the floor, after all.


*applause* It’s just you, darling—your humor is incomparable, your timing delightful.


Quote:
Esten realized, wit annoyance, that this was a full case.


1. “with” 2. what does “full case” mean?


Quote:
There allowed her to see a soul's ‘acts’ in colors


“They”


Quote:
and almost instantly the second was at her side


Wait, I thought the “first” soul was the “he”…. Confused!


Quote:
hated about coupled[/red]


“couples”


Quote:
“You’re next.” She said. The male soul hesitated, but took the chair while his partner floated off to the side.


Oh! So we were still on the first soul! Please try to make that clearer…


Quote:
Someone had [color=red]sent too much time


“spent”


Also—I thought “case files” were what the souls left of themselves in the bowl, now it seems they’re something someone else compiled; could you clarify?



1) I like Esten; she comes across as totally believable, just a relatively ordinary person going about their job.
2) Hadn’t really thought about it—I don’t think so, not at this stage.
3) Um, like I said, just some confusion about the “case files” thing, and which was speaking/being judged—wouldn’t Esten have their names on file?
4) Lol, see above ^
5) No! You start off perfectly; even if you weren’t my friend I’dve been hooked!
6) I agree with you—Diary is better than Trial, but not perfect…I shall apply thought to the matter


Just a thing: since you are dealing with the--let's face it--rather heavy topics of souls, heaven, hell, and at least semi-eternal damnation, it would be appropriate to rate this PG-13 if you haven't yet (sorry, I can't check from where I am). Also, there's the whole murdering people thing. My apologies if you've already handled it and I'm just being redundant here.

P.S. The "administering" is pretty darn original, as far as I know, and you handle it very well.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, dear.

I really enjoyed reading this, and if you have any questions about my critique or can't read my writing, please tell me.

Ta,
Cal.










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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, but it seemed a little harsh to put anyone in Hell because of their actions, and then to heaven because they were good. A strong Christian belief I guess, but are you familiar with 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'?

You don't seem to be a Dante fan in the least, the first level of hell is exactly like Earth, except it is somber and bleak (like how all goth kids see the world) and they get progressively worse based on your worst sins. Granted purgatory was for all good heretics, but the Pope kinda decreed it didn't exist awhile back...or was that limbo? The names confuse me a bit on the first and heretic level of the afterlife. However it was said that only those who escaped Hell could work there way up to Heaven and eternal bliss. Sort of like a giant mountain thing.

Yours takes after the Raphael's work I take it. Those who go to Hell, serve their time and then go to heaven? Though the cyclic existence is an eastern idea, the western one is the great battle kind, your workings of the afterlife were simple yet interesting.

Not going to answer the other 6 questions, since I don't deviate too much from other people, but it was good.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Artecila, thanks for the comment. I'll look into those theories. *has never heard of them* =P I was thinking a lot about the heaven and hell thing, and realized at some point that the two are far too predefined (is that the English word? *thinks*) for what I was trying to accomplish. Though I did like how indifferent Esten seems when she goes off sentencing people to hell. I'm working out a new world concept for this that moves away from the conventional afterlife idea.

Caligula's Launderette, thanks! ^_^ My first scanned comment. XD I can read your writing fine, I appreciate the feedback. I think I'll take your suggestion on the title, if it still works out after I change the world concept. >.< *really must stop restarting*

gyrfalcon, thanks for commenting! I'll be getting to your soon, March Break has finally started. =P I'm glad you found the administration idea original, I think I may have read it somewhere before, though not the way I have it, so I wasn't sure it sounded 'done'.

Merci tout the monde! I appreciate all your comments.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 4:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If I repeat mistakes that others have already indicated, I apologise -

The line went all the way along the short [You appear to be missing some words here.]“Next,” she sighed, wishing for the third time that day—and she’d only done three souls since opening her office an hour ago— that she still had a secretary.

Oh uh, she thought. [That first part is unecessary. You portray her character well enough through longer thoughts and dialogue later on.] “I can only do one at a time,” she informed them, motioning for one of them to come forward.

And caseworkers were responsible to for watching the souls in the mortal realm and recording their case information.

In hell, you will be submitted to punishments befitting of your crimes, in heaven you will live freely and happily until you have used up all your years and are returned to the moral [I think you meant mortal.] realm for a new life,”

If you stole to survive, you would earn years in hell for theft, but if you had stolen to feed yourself and a sibling, then you would also earn time in heaven for caring for the sibling.

All you have to do is focus on a memory, and I will take it’s its content into consideration.”

The soul hesitated; it’s its glow flickering in places as it debated.

Esten realized, with annoyance, that this was a full case.

There They allowed her to see a soul's ‘acts’ in colors.

However, it was much easier for her to pass fair judgment this way.

Some good acts showed as well, but they many were mainly were unconscious, meaning this soul had not intended them.

Esten said, a small smile creeping unto onto her face.

____________________________

I will answer the question for old readers first. I think that the method of judgement and recycling souls is an excellent idea but I miss the style of DOAV. However, you said you'd be reverting back to that so it probably works out as an improvement. I'm just wondering where your plot is going to go. Will it be a sequence of flash-backs? Or do you intend to tell the story of the characters' time in hell?

1) What do you think of Judge Esten? Does she seem like a realistic character? Yes. I like her character. I think you've developed her well and she's easy to relate to. I've met a few magistrates and the odd judge and while they tend to be more proffessional while they're working and laid back when they're talking to you about their work, I think her 'ordinary' almost casual attitude is good.

2) Do you feel the story could benefit from more description? If so, where? How do the souls look? Do they retain their human forms or are they the traditional white blob?

3) Do you feel you have an acceptable understanding of what's going on? Do you think there was a lack of explanation? Were there elements you'd like to understand better? Or was there too much telling and not enough showing? I think you gave just a touch too much information in places. Sometimes it's best to let the reader's imagination fill in the odd gap. But it was good and understandable.

4) Did you find parts of the story so far confusing? (ex: the fact I didn't name the souls) No.

5) Did you find this at all interesting? =P Should I try and get more of a hook in there at the beginning? *feels like the story starts off very slowly* I found it interesting. I think you could cut a little of the beginning but it was generally good.

6) I changed the title from Diary of a Villain to Trial of a Villain. I don't like it; I think DoaV was more interesting. Thoughts?? (*is working on a new and better one as soon as it comes to her*) I don't think wither title is adequate to be honest. Your old one was better but I'm sure you can think of something that fits more. Don't rush it. Use TOAV as a temporary title and you might find that an event or scene you add later inspires you with a new, perfect title.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 9:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there Valor. I'm supposed to be doing my poetry analysis essay, but I thought that I should critique this first. You are that important Smile

Quote:
The line went all the way along the short “Next,” she sighed, wishing for the third time that day—


I'm a bit confused with this, as you didn't really say how far the line had stretched back for.

Quote:
Esten sighed; this was going to be a long day
.

Well you've already stated that it is a long day, why repeat yourself?

Quote:
Esten had been born during the 21st century on the third ‘sentient’ world of the six hundred and twenty-third universe. Her office reflected the era she had grown in, with modernized chairs, lamps and a glow lamp on in the corner. Since the seven hundredth universe was still in its early years, the environment was entirely alien to the souls who came to her daily. Luckily, this universe had magic, so they did not cower away from the electric lights as she’d learned souls tended to do in other universes.


Interesting.

Quote:
“Do our intentions have any effect on our judgment?” a clear voice asked. Esten gaped. This was the first time since being posted here a soul had managed to speak to her directly without median of the pool.


Is Esten new? Or is it by sheer luck that a soul was able to talk to her?

Overall impressions:

Interesting....This is good, and one of the few pieces that actually keeps me reading. I like this version quite a bit Smile It's so well worded and the originality of the plot and ideas just really rivets the reader along. Well done on that. Judge Esten is potrayed as a realistic character with thoughts and emotions which we can associate quite easly. On the whole, she is quite well developed (there are some things which has a negative impact on the Judge, I'll explain it further down). The idea of souls being punished and rewarded based on their sins and good deeds and then being recycled into the mortal plain is quite unique in fantasy literature. I really like how you manipulated religious mythos to your advantage. To be honest, I could feel some compassion for Yazra as she was being judged. I find it curious and interesting to Yazra as a character that she would actually choose that memory to represent herself. Gonna give her some of my respects for doing that. I find the bit where they clung to each other cute ^.^ lol. As for the male spirit, I think you can develop him further; I didn't exactly get a feel for him as he seems to be somewhat of your typical good guy. However, I did find his decision to be alongside Yazra interesting. Here are the flaws that I spotted with this edition of DOAV:

1. The dialogue in this is quite bland, and doesn't truly reflect the personality of the characters. Judge Esten's dialogue doesn't reflect that of a Judge but more of an office clerk. As for Yazra and the other male soul, it is like a typical human speaking. Come on, Yazra and the male soul have potential to be very unique characters in fantasy literature. Don't destroy that chance with 3rd rate dialogue.

As for the dialogue of the Judge, because it was so dry, I think it is the reason why I question her authority as a Judge. She doesn't really seem professional and doesn't really seem like a Judge just mostly due to the dialogue. If Judge Esten is supposed to be a bit laid back, ok fine, but you need to make the dialogue reflect that and worded more creatively. You will find that Judges in our society have a certain way of speaking when they are doing their job. If this is carried over to fantasy, the task actually gets harder, as you have to maintain some of the formality of the dialogue and also speak in a way that both reflects the gaia and concept of the fantasy and the Judge's character itself. It is quite hard, but considering a writer of your skill level, you should be able to carry it out. Remember, Judge Esten is one of the staff that decides the ultimate fate of a soul, not an office clerk, even though if you intend Esten to be a bit laid back.

Here is a video to show to you of how judges would speak when placed in a fantasy like setting. This fantasy that I'm talking about is Final Fantasy XII, a video game on ps2 where judges play a big influence on the plot of the game.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLBGbUGryRE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd5DzQxeDmk&feature=related ( Judge Gabranth for the win! )

Notice how the dialogue is worded to give them a sense of profession and authority which shows a true representation of their society and their job as a judge.

2. Calculation of the years: This is just a nitpick, but I think there needs to be more thought about how many years one is sentenced to. You will see that a great deal of time and effort is invested into the sentencing of a person in our society to ensure that it is fair, free from bias and accurate. This should also be the case here or I think there needs to be like some sort of forumla which determines how many years one is sentenced.

3. Info dump. This is minor, but I agree with some of the others that the information can be less telly and more on show to leave some impression on the reader's minds.

4. The male soul (as stated earlier).

I think I've covered everything. Overall, this is good, and I have awarded you a gold star on this for your great efforts and the originality of your idea. I thank you for posting this up, as now I feel happy and motivated to hopefully get my rewrite of chapter 1 of the Esper Sepulchral series (renamed to Raining Mirrors) soon and show you what I'm truly capable of.

I'll check out part 2 later, I need to do my essay now. Good luck. "bows"

Andy.

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