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Remember the Rain
Remember the Rain

by Kitty15 in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on March 1, 2008
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12 Shocks of Christmas, Pt. 1
12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 3)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 4)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 5)
12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 7)

12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 6)

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JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: 12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 6) Reply with quote

After a...month (?), the Sixth Day is finally up. 3B had to keep prodding me to finish it. I warned him, and I'll warn ya'll: I don't think this is very good. I struggled getting through this day. Hopefully, though, the rest will be good. We'll see. I'm swamped too, so I dunno how I'm gonna get this going... It might be next month before Day Seven's up. Laughing

Part 6

December 30

I couldn’t sleep at all that night, and neither could Sara, by the sounds of it. We both sat up in bed early morning, staring at each other before I finally decided to get up and walk to her cot. I seated myself and we both sat in silence, listening to Teddy’s tiny snores.

“Where did those presents come from?” I grunted quietly so Teddy and Sara wouldn’t wake up. I looked to Sara who refused to look back at me, playing with a loose thread in the blanket. “They didn’t just appear on their own.”

Sara made a huge, silent sigh before answering. “It was me.”

My lip twitched into what would have been a smirk if this weren’t a serious situation. My jaw clenched as I waited for Sara to explain.

“Mabel wanted me to give you the first six gifts, seeing as she’s in a different state during that time.” Sara slowly looked up at me, and I noticed how sorry she was. She struggled to apologize, and I was blaming it all on her. Now I felt like the bad guy.

“I’m sorry, Sara,” I said, putting my head in my hands. “After five days—”

“No, I completely understand…now,” Sara added, twiddling her thumbs. “I didn’t believe you and how dangerous they were until yesterday.”

“There was no way for you to know.” I looked back at my sister who looked to me for any sign of comfort. I smiled weakly, sitting up. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s Mabel’s. We’ll talk to her tomorrow, though.”

Sara’s eyes started to well up with tears. I groaned on the inside, but didn’t show her my disapproval. I welcomed her for a hug, and she fell into my shirt, sobbing. I didn’t dare mention today’s gift. Neither did I leave her for my own bed, not until she fell asleep again.

A few hours later, the sun was finally up. Sara fell asleep for those few hours after our talk, but I still couldn’t sleep. I knew who was giving them to me, but the fact that Mabel made Sara give them away made me even more irritated. Setting up my sister, the perfectionist and responsible of the four kids, was more than cruelty. Mabel completely embarrassed my sister for life. It took me long enough, but I was finally rehearsing the speech to end our relationship tomorrow.

Walking into the kitchen, I noticed Grampa standing by the stove, his face downcast. I resisted the urge to go sit at the table and approached him.

“Grampa?” I muttered.

Grampa jumped and looked up at me, his eyes wide and bloodshot. “Phil, don’t scare me like that,” he grumbled before returning to the sizzling eggs.

My lip twitched helplessly, deciding against a reassuring smile. There was no way for me to comfort Grampa. The old man’s wife died yesterday. It would take days for his sorrow to end.

I walked to the table and sat down, waiting for breakfast to be served. My head settled on my arms, and my eyes closed for a quick rest.

“Phil, wake up. We need to put the eggs on the table.”

I groaned and got up from the table at Mom’s request. I watched Grampa set the eggs on the table and my eyes widened at the sight of a blue present in front of me. “Where’s Sara?” I asked, looking up to Mom who held an energetic Teddy in her arms.

“Right next to you, dear,” Mom said, nodding her head toward me. “Now’s not the time to fool around.”

I resisted the urge to argue and turned around to find my sister and her somber expression. I made a small sigh, shifting myself into a more comfortable position on the hard chair. “The Sixth Day of Christmas…” I muttered and Sara slowly nodded.

“Phil, could you open your present, please?” Mom asked, strapping Teddy into his booster chair. “We need to make more room for the sausage and bacon coming up.”

I pretended to ignore her and turned my upper body toward Sara, appearing to be engaged in conversation. The plan seemed to be improving, though not in the way I would have liked it. Teddy bonked me on the head with the rounded end of his plastic fork, giggling. I rubbed my head, giving Teddy a stern look. The kid didn’t seem to understand my warning.

“Phil, open—oh, never mind. You were too slow,” Mom said from the kitchen doorway, watching the scene. I looked over and saw Susie tear the blue wrapping paper off the box. “Gah, Susie!”

“Susie, no,” Sara moaned, standing up and reaching for her little sister across the table.

“No! Da pwesent!”

“It’s Phil’s present, Susie,” Sara told her, but said no more. She looked to me helplessly and said under her breath, situating Susie onto her lap, “Mom’s not very happy.”

I looked over and saw Mom’s stern gaze. “What’s wrong, Phil?” she asked, her arms folded across her chest. “Just open the present. We have to go home soon, and you know how Dad will react when he sees yet another box to put in the trunk.”

It's worth Dad’s irritation to save the family, I thought. Mom didn’t seem to agree, and now Grampa was watching me, the plate of sausage and bacon in his hands. Mom was standing in the way, but she wasn’t moving until I took care of Mabel’s gift.

I picked up the present and put it in my lap, using it as an armrest. Mom pursed her lips. “Open it before I take it and let Teddy do the honors,” she said, her eyes piercing.

My face paled as I gaped at Mom. I knew better than to challenge her words, though. She was no hypocrite, and I didn’t want anything to happen to Teddy if he were to open it. I gave in and tore off tape after tape, my hands shaking. I was scared. I knew what these things could really do, and I didn’t want them to do any more of it. What was wrong with collectable figurines? Why did they have to kill us?

The paper was gone, and the cardboard box sat on my lap. Tugging on the tape, the flaps sprang up, daring everyone watching to look inside.

Susie beat me to it. She jumped out of Sara’s hold and looked inside the box. She made a tiny gasp and flopped on my lap as I removed the box from beneath her.

“Phil!” Mom shrieked, coming over to pick Susie up. “A little more respect would be nice!”

I didn’t reply. The box was open and six little geese sat inside. Nothing happened when I opened them, but I wasn’t going to try and pick them up.

“Whatcha got there, sport?”

Grampa yanked the box from my hands. I sucked in my breath, reaching out for the box, looking as pathetic as Teddy or Susie. Grampa looked at my strangely before picking up a goose from inside, its glossy black and grey feathers reflecting the light.

“Aren’t they adorable, Grampa?” Mom asked, admiring the goose in his hand.

“They’re darling,” he simply said, reminding me of Dad. “Who gave these to you?”

I didn’t answer right away, gaping at them. Nothing was happening, and he was holding one! This made me all the more nervous. It was going to happen later when I wouldn't be prepared. I wished for the suspense to end, but I also wished it wouldn’t. Ending suspense would mean something would happen, and that was what I wanted to avoid.

Everyone sat down at the table after Grampa set the box on the floor behind me. Dad was still asleep, but he was not good with mornings. We started breakfast without him. My eyes rested on Grampa the entire time, waiting…

“Ouch!”

My head snapped up at my Grampa’s exclamation. He was studying his finger, but I couldn’t see what was wrong. Grampa looked up at my face, shaking the pain from his finger. “Just burned myself,” he grunted.

I resumed eating the eggs, my eyes falling on the goose sitting in front of Grampa’s plate. I looked back up at his wrinkled face, his droopy eyes…and a fresh cut on his cheek?

“Grampa, you’re bleeding,” I told him, setting my fork down and handing my napkin to him.

“What’re you talking about, boy?” Grampa asked, his brow furrowed. I didn’t have to say anything. A drip of blood spilled down his cheek, and Grampa snatched my napkin from my hand to wipe it away.

“How’d you get that?” Mom asked, pausing from dishing eggs onto Susie’s pink plastic plate.

“Dunno,” Grampa grunted, scrunching the napkin in the palm of his hand so he could continue eating. “It’ll heal.”

I watched him, and not because he was being more stubborn than usual. I heard Sara squeak next to me. My jaw dropped slightly, head racing.

Another fresh cut appeared on Grampa’s forehead, a drop of blood sliding down his nose. Grampa rubbed his forehead irritably, but his face paled when he saw his sticky red fingers. The cut on his cheek was also bleeding freely. More appeared on his face, arms, blood seeping through his clothes…

Mom shrieked and jumped from her seat. Grampa stood up, his eyes wide with fear. Teddy and Susie cried, banging the table with their tiny fists. Thundering steps was heard from outside the kitchen and Dad soon appeared, his hair a complete mess and his clothes wrinkled and carelessly hanging off his body. He gasped at the sight of Grampa and grabbed the nearest telephone.

I took the box of six geese, checking the lid was on completely, and put it aside so Susie wouldn’t get to it like she did the golden rings. Sara couldn’t move; I was afraid she would keel over…like Grampa.

His breathing was shallow, blood staining the carpet he lay upon. We were all afraid to help him, not really knowing what to do.

“The ambulance is coming,” Dad announced, hurrying over.

“Hang in there, Jim,” Mom said to Grampa. “Help’s on the way!”

Grampa didn’t reply, but tried to breathe. Tears streamed down Mom’s cheeks, Sara’s eyes just starting to well up. I knelt down by Grampa, my hands shaking. The blood came from the cuts of all different sizes scattered across his body. It looked as if an army of cats attacked him, or he was pushed around in a field of cacti, or birds pecked him to death…

I jumped at that last thought, my head bumping the table behind me. I scrunched my face, but no one noticed my painful expression, intent on saving Grampa. I turned around and looked at my chair on the other side. A tiny person stood next to the chair, standing on their tip-toes…

“Sara!” I exclaimed, hopping on my feet. Sara, who was staring blankly across the table, looked up at me then to where I was looking.

“Susie! No!” Sara shrieked, yanking the box from the chair. I looked down in the box. Six geese. All there.

“Did she touch any?” I asked.

Sara didn’t answer, refusing to look at me. I looked to Susie who continued to cry, her head lying on the chair.

“Jim! Jim, wake up!”

I looked back at Grampa. Mom’s hands held Grampa’s face, trying to wake the man up. "Jim, don’t give in! It’s alright, help’s almost here!”

He didn’t move. He didn’t breathe. He bled, though, and that never stopped. Dad took Mom and wrapped his arms around him, letting her cry her heart out in his shirt. Gramma died and she was the only one who wore a golden ring. Grampa died and he was the only one who touched a geese…I hoped, anyway.

My eyes fell on Susie. She still cried. No blood was found, no cut could be seen. Teddy was on the table, crying because Mom was crying. Sara and I didn’t cry at the loss of Gramma or Grampa, but exchanged horrified glances. Mabel killed two people. They had six days left. Six…

Sara knew exactly what I was thinking. She stood and embraced me, crying in my shoulder. She was scared; her body was shaking against mine. I wrapped my arms around her, and joined in with the weeping.

I couldn’t believe my luck.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I hate this part...

Enjoy! ^_^


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Last edited by JabberHut on Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, Jabber, you are soooo awesome! thanks for posting this!

Quote:
I knew who was giving them to me, but the fact that Mabel made Sara give them away made me even more irritated with her.


Take out the 'with her' part. You don't need it.

Quote:
Grampa jumped and looked up at me, his eyes wide and bloodshot. “Phil, don’t scare me like that,” he grumbled before returning to the sizzling eggs.


Would he really be cooking breakfast alone? I mean, his wife just died. Someone would fix it for him, so he wouldn't have to do anything, right?

Quote:
What was wrong with collectable figurines? Why did they have to kill us?


Oy! That was funny! ahhaah!

You hate this part? Jabber, this was the best part! Man, I'm so freaking creeped out right now! This was magificent! I loved it! How could you hate it? A little gore, a little blood, it's all part of the horror. This was fantastic!

The only (unhelpful) suggestion is that when Grampa was bleedy, don't you think they would do somethign to help clean it up? They jsut... say "It's gonna be alright, don't worry, Dad."

I don't know.... it's your amazing story.

Good luck, and post day 7 really quick!

-3B

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read all the other parts of this and really enjoyed them. As critiques consisting of, "This is awesome! I didn't see anything wrong with this great story! Write more soon!" are generally frowned upon, I didn't think it wise to leave a comment on the other parts. Rolling Eyes

The only thingamabobby was,

Quote:
Grampa jumped and looked up at me, his eyes wide and bloodshot. “Phil, don’t scare me like that,” he grumbled before returning to the sizzling eggs.
My lip twitched helplessly, deciding against a reassuring smile. There was no way for me to comfort Grampa. The old man’s wife died yesterday. It would take days for his sorrow to end.


The first bit seems at odds with the last bit. He cooking breakfast and grumbling, like anyone would early in the morning. Then Phil says about how his wife died and how it would take days for the sorrow to end. It don't fit, if you know what I mean? Show his grief more - not him being cantankerous.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally!

I was getting way to impatient. I don't know why you say this probably wouldn't be to good but I loved it. Very Happy

Forgot whatever the guy's name above me is, but he pretty much got all the mistakes so I'll leave that to you.

Can't wait for more,

ST

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