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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
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 Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: Nevermind |
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~DELETED for a newer version~ |
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Last edited by OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo on Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:14 am; edited 2 times in total |
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GryphonFledgling
It's elementary...
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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Oops, read chapter 1 before the prologue... 
This was quick, but it was to the point. And it sets up the meeting of Tanner in the next chapter quite nicely. *thumbs up*
One thing: you don't have to mention the guard's name (Johnson) if we're never going to see him again. Well, for all I know, he could become a major character. But if not, you can just leave him as the other guard. Mentioning names tends to start an attachment to characters and if it isn't needed, then it confuses the reader when they never see that name again. Plus it just adds unnecessary names to remember. But, if he is actually an important character that just hasn't re-emerged yet, then ignore me.
Anyway, I liked the contrast between the prison break and the jump-rope game in the next chapter. It immediately sets up the fact that these two characters are from very different worlds and have very different interests and experiences. Nice job there.
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:27 pm Post subject: |
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Oh! thank you very much!!
The thing about the name was that I thought it'd be good to have a guard character later on, but I'm not sure if I will actually have him appear again, if not, I'll get rid of the name.
One of my concerns, though, was if the conversation between the guards was convincing enough, does it seem like they're friends, or is it a weak part of the story? |
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Kaliber
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: |
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| i liked it, makes me want to read on. i think that the conversation was good. only had to read it once to know they where friends. heh, sounds a little crazy but this sounds like a good plot for a movie. |
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Teague
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Hey hey hey! *waves* =D
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| “I don’t understand why he even keeps the boy here.” The guard said. |
Quick grammar note -- when there are speech tags like "(character) said," and if the punctuation isn't a question mark or an exclamation, it's a comma. The speech tags are still part of the sentence, therefore it's not a period and the first word isn't capitalised unless it's a name.
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| If only I could get to the trees. He thought. |
Same rule I pointed out above applies.
Hm. This is well-written enough, but I would prefer more to it. There needs to be more of what's going on inside the character's head. Let us really crawl around in there and get a feel for what's happening. Also, some more detail and descriptive language would be nice, so I could really get a feel for your story. 
Otherwise, this was good! Well-written, well-paced, and detailed enough to stand on its own. I'm just being demanding. What? It's allowed. I think. =P
Anyway. I'm done rambling and I'm going to go and read your next bit here!
-Saint Razorblade
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 4:43 am Post subject: |
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This was well written and kept me interested, but I think you could have done more with it. What I mean is you could have added more suspense to it. Like when he was looking for a way around the fence you could have prolonged it more and really made the reader understand how fierce and menacing the dogs were. And when he saw the hole under the fence you could make him barely fit under it, so he gets stuck and just barely makes it out in time to escape the dogs and guards.
I'm not saying this is a required thing, but I am saying it's what I'd do, and I think it may make it better.
Other than that, though, it was great. I can't wait for more. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:14 pm Post subject: |
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Kaliber: Good, I was worried that it didn't seem like they were friends.
Saint Razorblade: Oh, thank you for that tip, I'll have to fix those.
mikedb1492: Thanks, I'll have to change that part and make it more suspenseful. Also, I love your avatar!  |
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Kylan
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
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That was pretty good. You definately have some solid potential and I found myself wanting more. I think your shining characteristic is your knack for description. So keep up the good work there.
However, I think that you could completely cut the bit with the guards. It's unnecessary and weighs the story down with another meaningless POV. The dialogue is also clumsily written and has a hollow sound to it, almost like you tried too hard to get your point across. The whole purpose of dialogue is to provide insight into a character's psyche and as a post script, to move the plot along as well. I think if you were bent and determined to keep the first section (though it would be so much better without it, the stream-of-consciousness cutting straight to the kid) spend some time crafting more subtle dialogue. Think of it as a guillotine. At the moment, your blade is terribly dull and when dropped, leaves the head partially attatched. To sharpen the blade, add something into the mix that characterizes the guards as people. Are they educated? Or are they brainless stooges? Are they well trained or 'drafted'? Any character you put into your story should contribute something personality-wise. And do this by crafting finer dialogue.
But really, cut the guards and you've got the problem completely taken care of.
As a grammatical sidenote, this is how you structure dialogue:
"[insert words] (comma)" he said.
[Insert description/ no 'said'] (period) "[insert words] (period)"
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| “I don’t understand why he even keeps the boy here.” The guard said. |
Use the above sidenote on this passage.
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| The guard with the tray vented. |
Oh no. Synonyms for said. Immediate dialogue killer. "Said" is totally appropriate tag for this, versus 'vented' anyway. In fact, why don't you make this passage tagless?
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| The siren alarm went up and the sound of barking dogs could be heard throughout the facility. |
Wait. So the alarm went off as soon as the guards saw it? Wouldn't the alarm have gone off as soon as the kid broke out? If not, explain.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
-Kylan |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the crit,
So, do you want me to add on to the conversation, then have them lead onto the boy? Should I have them talking about things before they talk about the boy? Or, do you want me to completely get rid of the guards? Which would be better?
For this part:
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| The siren alarm went up and the sound of barking dogs could be heard throughout the facility. |
I meant to have it read that the guards ran to raise the alarm, but I seemed to have forgotten to eplain that.
It would probably read better if I'd said something like this:
"As they came to the cell door, their hearts sank. Looking through the window they could see that the corner of the back wall in the cell was no more, a gaping hole replaced it. Both men cursed and the tray fell to the floor with a clatter. Both men ran.
The siren alarm went up and the sound of barking dogs could be heard throughout the facility."
Hopefully that's better.  |
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