Topic ID: 2332
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rachel eaw
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 34
Reviews: 18
Country: scotland [rangers rule]
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 8:36 pm Post subject: weddings[for my mum] |
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Weddings are loving,Weddings are fun
And this is the most special one
Because my mum and davy [step dad] are here
And they've been toghether for almost ten years
When davy first came
I was'nt so sure,
But years have gone by
And I'm more mature
Mum's been so fun
Since we've begun
And I love her so much
So the conclusion to this
Is that this couple can't miss
And they are so perfect toghether |
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even myself |
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ohhewwo
Novelist
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Age: 17
Joined: 15 Mar 2005
Posts: 366
Reviews: 148
Country: ...Right behind you!!!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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Way too limerick-ish to me. Like, way too limerick-ish.
I think this could have been so much better than it is. When I saw the title, I thought that It might have something to do with love, or more about the whole meaning of marriage. But, no.
The style, in my opinion was just too ... "heehee," if you know what I mean. I mean, "Weddings are fun?"
Again, this could have been better. |
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Lollipop
The shizney!
Novelist
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Age: 17
Joined: 14 Mar 2005
Posts: 442
Reviews: 263
Country: Scotland! 'Mon the Scots!
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| Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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It's really good! Write more!
~Lollipop~ |
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Harley
awkward and innocent.
Speaker of the Forum
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Age: 16
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 518
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Country: scotland.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Gotta agree with ohhewwo on this one. It doesn't show very much emotion, y'know? Try and explain all the feeling, how you are feeling, how you think your mum and step dad are feeling. Alternatively, you could make the poem less speific to this particular wedding, but rather to weddings in general. Keep working on it. |
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emotion_less
Speaker of the Forum
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Mar 2005
Posts: 626
Reviews: 332
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| Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 8:54 pm Post subject: |
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"Weddings are loving"
Loving? Do you mean lovely?
It seemed like you were trying to write a fun, little kid poem. The rhyming was a big contributor to that. I don't want to be discouraging. Your poetry just needs more feeling and less worry on rhyme. |
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