| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
This thread was created on April 14, 2005
  |
|
Love Poem (Can't write... ROMANCE!!!)
Topic ID: 2394
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3023
Reviews: 1160
Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:42 pm Post subject: Love Poem (Can't write... ROMANCE!!!) |
 |
|
All the things that make you
Are all the things I see
Are all the things there should be
Cinnamon kisses
Smokey Hugs
Petrifying glances
Crooked gait
Lovely eyes
Wavy hair
Tantalizing voice
Smiling face
Hyper spirit
Entrancing words
Close cuddles
Mindless banter
Enjoyable laughter
Witty comebacks
Sly remarks
Tingly gossip
Wonderful humor
Unbelievable love
This is how I see you
This is who you are
I love you
--For Colton-- |
_________________
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shii.php
Ralphie: Ahh! It's half wolf, half refrigerator!
“Eventually shooting stars will burn out.”
Help the Revolution: http://noporntube.freeforums.org/portal.php |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Writersdomain
Oh, YAY!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Posts: 1376
Reviews: 441
Country: Oceanstone
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was ok... wasn't bad, but it really didn't touch me. It was sweet though
| Quote: |
All the things that make you
Are all the things I see
Are all the things there should be |
Very nice beginning... very strong. Great job there.
Cinnamon kisses ....... (pretty good adjective, though I think you could find something better)
Smokey Hugs .........(smokey? huh? Ok, I guess)
Petrifying glances ..........(very nice adjective. I liked that one)
Crooked gait ..................(Um... that was ok, not the best though. perhaps something like 'entrancing', but you already used that word)
Lovely eyes ........ (could be better, but wasn't bad. Perhaps 'spellbinding eyes')
Wavy hair ..............(I didn't like that one very much)
Tantalizing voice............(Eh, not bad)
Smiling face ............. (This was a little weird compared to most of your other adj.'s, but not bad)
Hyper spirit ........... (Hyper? Um... I think you should use something different. Perhaps 'energetic' would fit better if you have to use that point.)
Entrancing words .......... (that's really nice)
Close cuddles .........(That wasn't great. You could use something better)
Mindless banter ..............(Doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem, but good adjective)
Enjoyable laughter .......(Eh, just ok)
Witty comebacks ........... (That's pretty good)
Sly remarks ..............(I like that one)
Tingly gossip ................(Really doesn't fit in with the rest)
Wonderful humor .............. (words like 'wonderful', 'beautiful' and 'good' are often overused. Try using better words to portray your point)
Unbelievable love .................(I think you really need a more powerful adjective to end this stanza with)
| Quote: |
This is how I see you
This is who you are
I love you |
The end was just ok, not as good as it could be. Perhaps making the words more colorful would be better. Perhaps 'All these things that make you. All these things I can see. Make me want to love you more. I love you' (with periods as line breaks) would be a little more fitting 'cause it corresponds with the beginning.
This was pretty good. Nice job and keep on writing. |
_________________
~ WD
"For I shall make thy screams a song
And thy sorrows a fortress
Thy tears a shield of glass."
~MatteSPEW can see you! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3023
Reviews: 1160
Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
300 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
hekategirl
An Angel with an Edge
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Feb 2005
Posts: 1453
Reviews: 323
Country: An Alleyway North of Sanity
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:26 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really like this! I don't agree with Writersdomain when she says it didn't touch her. It was very good, but the flow is a little off. It would make it sound much better if it flowed. Eshpeshiy the list thing.
"All the things that make you
Are all the things I see
Are all the things there should be"
I think thier should be another line there before you go into the list.
"This is how I see you
This is who you are
I love you"
I think you should put another line in beetween "This is who you are" and "I love you". To sort of ease into the last line, not abruptly come to it. But I really liked this. Good job. |
_________________
***Honorary 11-Year-Old***
Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on April 14, 2005 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. - Mark Twain
|
