Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Let The Games Begin: The Writing Olympics!

Event #5 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Kyren's last hope
Kyren's last hope

by listeningforthemuse in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 13, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Snow White (What actually happened)
Topic ID: 24604
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Jasmine Hart   View This User's Portfolio
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum

318
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 783
Reviews: 318
Country: Ireland
350 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 7:07 pm    Post subject: Snow White (What actually happened) Reply with quote

It is one of the more unjust facts of life that it is the child who automatically wins sympathy from outsiders in any dispute which may occur between them and their parents. It is widely believed that children hold a sort of innocent perfection, and thus are unable of doing wrong, save childish jeering and the likes. More unfair still is that step-parents are even more subject to blame when relations with the child break down. It is never the child’s fault.

I have been called many things by many different sources; wicked, jealous, cruel, vain. She in turn was described in terms of positive adjectives alone. And yet no one has questioned how balanced these accounts are. They were too choked up with sympathy, and relief at what was re-written as a hard-earned and well-deserved happy ending. Is it so wrong that I should ask for a hearing?

I married Marilina’s father when she was twelve years old. The poor man had been a widower for four years, and had shouldered the strains of managing both a kingdom and an eccentric daughter alone. I had never before been wed, and naturally had no children of my own. Indeed, I was quite unused to dealing with them, but none the less, my efforts with her cannot be criticized. I was always kind, asking her how her day went, making her cocoa before bed, even though there were servants to do that, as I believed that it would convey my affection to her. Every night, I would go to tuck her in, but she would feign sleep and lie rigidly, lying on the edges of the quilt, her eyes scrunched shut, holding her breath. I always retreated with a water-logged heart.

Her father was a soft-hearted man. The more she acted out, the more love and attention he gave her. I tried to convince him that this was not the right way to go about things, that she would end up spoiled. (In my mind, I always added “more spoiled”, but I held my tongue around him, and indeed around everyone. It would have been unseemly to do otherwise.)

It was a cold morning in spring when the letter arrived. Although it was many hours after dawn, owls were still screeching in the trees in the palace grounds, and the lake was eerily still. I believed the letter to be a respite from this air of impending evil. But it was merely a part of it, and an integral part at that.

The letter, written in painstakingly beautiful black cursive and sealed with red wax, was from my sister Reine. In it, along with the usual, expected yet tiresome pleasantries, was the declaration that she was coming for a long-overdue visit. Initially, I was near drunk on borrowed elation. However, joy always passes.

In my naivety, I failed to note the possibility of a problem until I gleefully shared the news with my husband and step-daughter over dinner that evening. She did not speak (this was not unusual, she rarely did in my presence, though I had heard her babbling animatedly to her father when she thought that I was out of earshot), but something in her eyes shifted, and, to my surprise, it sent a cold sheet of dark foreboding splintering through me.

Much and all as I love my sister, it must be said that her standards are impossibly high. I knew that I had won her respect by marrying the king (I cared little for status, but it was her all). I also knew that it would not take much for this respect to be entirely undermined. In fact, one difficult girl harboring an intense and thoroughly unjustified dislike for me may well have been enough to do the trick.

And so I went to my dear friend Andrew. He worked as a woodsman, and the more snobby of my new “friends” often told me that I should not associate with him anymore because of this. However, we had grown up together, and this is a bond not easily broken. Distraught, I crept out of the palace in disguise as an old woman, so as not to attract unwanted attention, and went to his hut in the forest to confide my worries in him. He listened attentively, being a man of few words. As is always the case with such situations, I felt much better when I had voiced my worries aloud, so much so that they barely seemed to matter anymore. As I turned my attentions to the preparations for the visit, I thought little of the girl.

On the eve of Reine’s visit, my husband came to me, his face a mask of concern. “Dearest,” he said, frowning in a way which made his blue eyes cloud over like the sea on a misty day, “have you seen Marilina?’

I returned his frown. “No dear, I can’t say that I have. Not since breakfast anyway. Though I daresay she’s either in her room ,walking the grounds, or at the market. She never seems to venture much further than that.”

He nodded, though wringing his hands. “Yes, yes, you’re right. I’ll go check the grounds again.” He went for the door, muttering “Can’t have gone far….”

He had been gone for hours before there was a knock on the door. Presuming that it was him, and that he had merely forgotten his keys, I answered it immediately, and was surprised to find Andrew standing on the doorstep, looking utterly pleased with himself.

“Well,” he said, grinning broadly, “as I expect you’ve realized by now, your little problem has been solved!”

I gasped. “You mean…”

“Yup, I’ve taken the child off your hands, so I have. Came across her out walking, and brought her to stay with some of the miners. Now you’ll have a nice calm house for your sister’s visit!”

“But her father,” I said, struggling to comprehend what was going on, “how on earth am I going to explain this to him?”

Andrew shifted uncomfortably, and his weather-beaten face turned vaguely puce. “Hadn’t thought of that….”

“I have to go and get her back.” I told him firmly. When he looked crestfallen, I added, “not that it wasn’t a lovely gesture. I’ll need you to stay here in case my sister arrives to an empty house.” I frowned, knowing right well what she would think of him, and consequently of me. “Just tell her you’re one of my servants.”

It was a mark of his friendship that he obeyed without protest, and I, disguising myself as an old woman once again (the girl would never willingly return home with me, loathing me as she did), set out for the miners’ home.

I made good time, and knocked on the door of the little thatched cottage, shooing away the twittering birds which seemed to flock to wherever my stepdaughter was. I could hear movement inside the house, and, shortly, a voice came seeping through the door.

“Who is it?”

I recognized her dulcet tones instantly. She always acted unbearably sweet when confronted with strangers, unless, of course, it would be to my detriment to do otherwise.It made my hatred of her seem rather unfounded as, I have no doubt, was surely her intention.

“Just an old woman, dear,” I replied, making my voice waver and crack. “I’m selling apples…”

“I’m sorry.” she replied, “I’m not supposed to open the door to anyone…”

(Note how she said that only after finding out who was there. No doubt she would have had no problem opening the door had it been that obnoxious youth to whom she had taken a fancy. He was almost as loathsome as she, masquerading as a prince so as to seduce innocent girls. Marilina, bless her soul, had not stopped to think about how he could possibly be a prince in our small town when it already had a ruler-her father- and the boy was not related.)

“Alright then dear, I understand,” I said, making my voice sound frailer, and emitting a strangled sob. “No bread for my grandchildren this evening then. How disappointed they’ll be…”

And she, maintaining the pretence of having a warm heart instead of a slab of iron in her chest, opened the door a fraction.“Well, maybe I’ll just buy one apple…”

I sighed. I’d never be able to get her home at this rate. The transaction took place through the gap between the door and its frame. She thanked me, said goodbye, and took a bite. I lingered on the step, not wanting to admit defeat.

All of a sudden, she began to cough and splutter. Alarmed, I shouldered the door open and found her, red faced, choking on the fruit. Spots were beginning to spring up on her arms. I pushed my way past her, and got filled a chipped mug, one of seven which I found on the counter, with tap water, which I forced her to drink. She stopped coughing, and I breathed a sigh of relief, but I did so too soon, for, the next moment, she had collapsed onto the ground. I took a cloth from a drawer and dampened it, dabbing it on her pale skin. Her eyelids didn’t even flutter. I sat there frantically, wracking my brains for something to do, anything, when I heard footsteps.

Looking up, I saw the miners, covered in soot, each bearing a spade or a shovel or a pick or an axe or a brush. They stared at me for an instant, but it wasn’t long before their eyes fell on Marilina, and they rushed to her side, taking in her seemingly lifeless form before rounding on me.

“You’ve killed her.” said the bespectacled one, glaring and pointing his finger at me in an accusatory and thoroughly impolite manner.

“I haven’t!” I protested, feeling myself pale. “She must have had an allergic reaction, that’s all, we just need to send for a doctor!”

They hesitated, not wanting to take my advice, but seeming to believe it to be the most sensible approach. The doctor, however, was too late.

Upon hearing this, the miners lunged for me, and I hurried out the door. They chased me all the way to the cliffs, where I eventually managed to find refuge in a cave. Believing me to have fallen to my death, they returned home.

Regrettably, I could not do the same. How would I ever face her father when knowing that I, however unintentionally, had killed his only child?

I was two towns away when I got word of what had become of her body .Apparently, that boy, whom she wrongfully believed to be a prince, had gotten wind of her death, and had gallantly rode to the miners’ cottage. Stricken, he had foolishly attempted to rouse her from Death’s clutches, not knowing how tightly it clings to the soul. Unwilling to admit defeat, or indeed, unwilling to have such beauty sunken underground, he paid the miners a hefty sum in return for the corpse, for which he had crafted a transparent coffin of sorts .Laying her body in it, he positioned her in his front hall. “Such beauty,” he said, “deserves preservation”. He seemed oblivious to the spots and blotches, and her chalky pallor.

And so that was how it ended, her forever preserved with he whom she professed to adore, me an exile from my home and my town, suspected of murder. Why then is it she who won the sympathy?


_________________
"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire


Last edited by Jasmine Hart on Sat Feb 23, 2008 11:27 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kepe   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

71
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 164
Reviews: 71
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I LOVED the play on the stereotype. I loved how you put it in the view of the stepmother, and pretty much everything. There was only one sentence that stuck out to me: "It is one of the more unjust facts of life that it is, more often than not, the child who wins sympathy from outsiders over the parents in any dispute which may occur." The sentence would be a lot smother if you said, "It is one of the more unjust facts of life that the child wins sympathy from outsiders over the parents in any dispute which may occur." Anyway I really enjoyed the story (as if you couldn't tell) and I think you are really talented because you can see things in a way that others don't.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CrystalSorceress   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

23
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 43
Reviews: 23
Country: Some fantasy land in the back of my brain.
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that this has great potential. I loved it, for most of the same reasons as Kepe. I love the idea that the queen was actually trying to help. The one suggestion I would make is that the ending seems a bit rushed. You might want to give more of a description of the miners chasing her or something like that. Otherwise, good work!

-Sorceress

_________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.- Theodor S. Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
EnsignRo   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

8
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 8
Country: Uber Stupids of America
233 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:17 am    Post subject: girl u got mad skillz... Reply with quote

love it! i have always wanted to know what really happens in fairy tals from other's persectives Very Happy this piece has the potential to be published! Very Happy

_________________
Inside me is a skinny girl trying to get out... But usually I shut her up with chocolate.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
khfan890   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 226
Reviews: 33
Country: the best country in the world
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually really liked this. I don't know where you came up with the idea to do this, but it's really good. Other than the stuff the others already mentioned, I don't see anything really wrong with the piece. Well thought out!

_________________
Death is no respecter of persons. Just felt like saying that.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Aedomir   View This User's Portfolio
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum

370
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1860
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 10:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked your use of description, excellent grammar and the dialogue. Yu prsented us with a very intersting an fun story read, well done!

I liked the use of the first person, and the way that you kept to the POV so well, and didn't keep on changing emotions and ther like.

Also, I though how you used 'she' in the first couple of apragroaphs to keep us guessing.

Well done! Keep writing,

Mark

_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
As the world falls down...
Speaker of the Forum

457
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 725
Reviews: 457
Country: Underground
596 Points

PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was so clever. I always hated the evil stepmother stereotype and you do a smashing job of murdering it.

The only complaint I had was at first, you talk about the dwarves as 'miners'. Then, towards the end, you switch to 'dwarves.' I would just choose one and leave it at that.

I really liked this, especially the parentheses. There aren't many parenthetical stories that work, but the thoughts here inserted in the lovely little curved lines work excellently.

My compliments to your writing. Good luck with future projects. You have creative talent.

~GryphonFledgling

_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me

Jareth/Sarah shipper...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Saint Razorblade   View This User's Portfolio
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum

479
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 1901
Reviews: 479
Country: A ship! With me crew!
464 Points

PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahoy Jasmine! *waves* You asked, I'm delivering! =D

Quote:
I have been called many things by many different sources, wicked, jealous, cruel, vain.

A hyphen or semicolon would be lovely after "sources."

Your first three paragraphs are kind of boring. Info dumping is definitely the problem you face. Too much telling and not enough showing. I was kinda bored and distracted throughout the whole thing.

Quote:
written in painstakingly beautiful black cursive, and sealed with red wax,

The commas surrounding the clause "and sealed with red wax" are unnecessary.

Ooh, I like the phrase "I was near drunk on borrowed elation."

Quote:
babbling animatedly to her father when she thought that I was out of earshot.),

The period inside the parenthesis is grammatically incorrect get rid of it please and thank you. ^^

Wow, you love your commas, don't you? Some more info dumping when you talk about the sister and the woodsman.

Hmm... I'm not a big fan of the way you ended this, but I do like the spin you put on this. I've always had a fascination with telling stories from the other point of view. And you definitely did a good job of making the events interlink in a creative fashion. Not just like "This is what happened, but I'm innocent! Innocent, I tell you!"

This could pack a lot more punch, though, if you didn't info dump so much. Some more action and descriptive language would make this piece loads better. I want to feel like you've punched me in the gut with the "real" side of the story. So throw in some action and descriptive language, ditch the info dumps, and stir fry for 30 minutes. Wink

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! Very Happy

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

_________________
"Woohoo! I was a homeless blackout drunk!" - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Shreksurmum   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

20
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 37
Reviews: 20

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 11:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved this as much as everyone else. i really like the way you destroy the whole idea of a wicked stepmother, she's actuallly trying to help.

although there was two bad things, first you refer to the dwarves as the 'miners'. then later you refer to them as 'dwarves'. try to stick with one.

Secondly i found the ending a little rushed, maybe a bit more description.


But anyway you have really good talent and i want to hear the rest!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
teardrops   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

7
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 7
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a really interesting take on the classic fairytale of Snow White. Overall, it was very well done. A few misplaced punctuation here and there, but nothing to major. It started out nicely, but then the tone seemed to change somewhat, as though perhaps you were in a rush to finish it? Characterization was pretty well done, although it could've been given a little more; for example, Marilina's only described either through the stepmother or her father's perspective (as well as briefly the lover's) but it would've had a more realistic air if there was just more in terms of characterization.

Very nicely done!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Fall_Into_The_Sky   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

108
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 171
Reviews: 108
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I laughed at the end. It's funny such a horrific girl and she get's it all in the end. Eventhough she died she is with the man she loves for eternity...

_________________
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Griffinkeeper   View This User's Portfolio
Storybook Godfather
Epic Novelist

660
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 3776
Reviews: 660
Country: USA
0 Points

PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Doesn't this belong in fan-fiction?

_________________
Grif is putting together a math usergroup. Join it here.

QED: The mathematical equivalent to 'Booyeah!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on January 13, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on January 13, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Stupid risks make life worth living. - Homer Simpson
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society