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Incandescence
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 Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:12 pm Post subject: Talking to Chris |
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Is there a way to hold a moment
like a grain of sand beneath a fingernail?
There are those seconds
that spiral back on us--
a loved one smiling in a doorway,
someone catching champagne cork
in a checkered cloth. But those are moments
out of place-- naps behind the wheel,
a honeybee in an ice cream cone, a playing
card, dimpled and dirty, in a gravel road.
We follow the deer tracks
to the break in the fence.
The wind is rising and stings the hands,
the ears, the eyes. The dog is deep
in the grass, does not want to head home.
This will be one of those moments--
us out for a walk, the windows of the house
dim with dinner's steam, you at the wobbly table
waiting for a way to break
the news that you're dying.
Words like the far horizon, words
like the space the fence once held in. |
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Kim
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| Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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this is very good, it starts out with happy feelings, and ends dramatic. i like it.
kim |
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Cade
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| Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:00 am Post subject: |
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I really like this...the first stanza especially pulled me in. At first thought, it seemed like a cliche sort of image, because poems about memory so often involve beaches, but as I reread it, I began to really appreciate it.
I loved the way you contrasted the cliched happy images with those that are a little less rosy...especially the honeybee in the ice cream, because there are so many different angles to that.
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The wind is rising and stings the hands,
the ears, the eyes. |
This seemed awkward and out of place to me. Perhaps:
The wind is rising. It stings my hands,
my ears, my eyes.
or
The wind is rising; it stings our hands,
your ears, my eyes.
or something along those lines.
I think the last stanza is completely unnecessary; in fact, as I read the poem, I expected it to end on the second-to-last stanza, but I was sadly disappointed. It would be a much more powerful ending.
As always, keep up the good work. 
-Colleen |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:48 am Post subject: |
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I like this, a lot. Drawn in from the first image it did not dissapoint my expectations. Although I found that sometimes the run-on sentances were not necessary. Such as
"a loved one smiling in a doorway,
someone catching champagne cork
in a checkered cloth. But those are moments
out of place-- naps behind the wheel, "
Is the "in a checkered cloth" really needed? It does not matter as such, as it works all the same, but I am just curious ^.^
I also happen to agree with Cade on the last stanza, while it does work it feels like it is meant to lead on to something more, a tease , if you will.
Other then that it is a lovely piece of work, I liked it quite a bit.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Fandilocks
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| Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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| This is beautiful, Braddy, and heartbreaking. It really picks up from "But those are the moments" through to "the news that you're dying." Personally I think you could cut the last stanza; ending on that blunt of a note will really add to the emotional impact of this piece, I think. |
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Dream Deep
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| Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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I don't believe that I ever commented on your poetry, Brad, and if I have, I am utterly unable to recall it. It's not because I haven't seen your poetry about - who could I miss it? - or because I didn't much feel like commenting. It's because most of your poetry leaves me with an distinct feeling of unease and confusion. And, seriously, who wants to leave a critique if they're not even sure that they're clever enough to understand the message?
But, this, Brad... this is something. So alive, personal, intimate. Gorgeous and moving and heartbreaking all at once, Fandango has the right of it. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this - for once I don't feel out of my depth or at odds with your words. I find them lovely, and I'd like you to know that.
This is really something priceless. Ausgezeichnet, mein Freund. |
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melodicatastrophe
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| Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Dream Deep, I have never reviewed your work simply because I could not understand most of it.
But this, this is great work. It's so much different than your other work. It's simple, short, and to the point. And I loved reading it.
I also agree with the other commenters, it could do without the last stanza. The one before it would make a much more powerful ending.
Mel |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. I love your imagery.This just flows so beautifully, and it's so powerful. There are shivers starting at the base of my neck. I especially love the first image, and the one of the card. Your alliteration is great. I'd put "a" before "champagne cork", but that's the only flaw I can see here. Sorry that's not really helpful at all...*sighs*If this was less perfect I could be of more help!Heehee.
I also think the last stanza was unnecessary, and lessened the overall impact, but other than that this was flawless, and I really loved it. |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, I like the effect the last stanza has. Yes, the second-to-last stanza is powerful, but maybe too powerful an ending. The last stanza softens it, and goes back to the fence -- it gives me the mental image of zooming out again as those inside the house deal with the news. Furthermore, the second-to-last sort of creates a gasp, and the last stanza continues by watching through the window, but further away.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, I love the seemingly trivial imagery here, like when eyes wander and fall on the small details. It reminds me of when I learned I might have a life-threatening illness. I don't, thank God, but in those silent moments on the way home from the hospital, every leaf looked more vibrant than before, every detail magnified.
Very, very cool, Brad. I love the two-line stanzas and your choice of line breaks -- but then, those are always brilliant. |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. This was beautiful, astounding, and full of emotion. I loved your imagery--without it, this poem wouldn't have been nearly as good as it is now. Your rhythm and alliteration--
"someone catching champagne cork
in a checkered cloth"
is simply amazing.
You're an amazing poet. I have no suggestions. |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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This is truly, poetry at its best. The way your words are shaped and the entire thing echo a a single, poetic voice against a silence.
Its amazing the way you've made it simple, yet magnificently effective;
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There are those seconds
that spiral back on us- |
Do I have anything esle to add? Yes. I want to be as good as you!
I'd say well done, but it simply isnt enough.
Eimearxx |
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Kelsi222
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!
This was amazing! It started out peacful and happy, which hooked me right away, but then it goes into a more dramtic setting, which was an awesome way to end it!!
Keep up the great work!!
Kelsi =) |
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Bella
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this -- it was so...catching! It started out seeming semi-romantic, and then suddenly became sad. Brad, you have a gift! 
MERRY WRITING!
Bella
Also, ignore those jerks. They obviously don't know GOOD poetry when they read it. As well as the fact that they can't speak to save their lives -- if you're going to leave a comment, even a bad one, do it respectfully, eh? |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe I can read this without going on about spammesr this time!
OK, I loved this to be honest. It did actually compell me I suppose. The order seemed fitting also, as it just seemed chronological. This was a great peom and the ending was very powerful.
No grammar or punctuation errors that I could see, so I will just say,
Keep Writing!
~D'Aedomir~ |
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Fall_Into_The_Sky
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| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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Very beautiful.
Have you written poetry long? |
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