smorgishborg
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 Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 3:41 pm Post subject: Fiddlesticks |
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I'm about 2/5 done with Fiddlesticks. That is to say, I divide it into five sections, and what I'm posting now is the first two parts. It's not marked as that in the script though, so don't put to much stock into that.
This is an idea more then two years in the making, when a couple of friends and I made up a goofy religion called Fiddlesticks. I never knew where they came up with the name, but that idea morphed into a play. I've written this part again and again and again. Right now, I'm pleased enough to let it see some light, without being embarrassed. What I really need now is help. I'd be incredibly grateful, to anyone who crits this.
Synopsis:
Seven strangers meet in a fallout shelter, the only known survivors of a nuclear holocaust. As they come to terms with the catastrophe that has engulfed the world below, they begin to realize the unique position they're now in. They take it as their responsibility to remake the world...
Here's what I want to know: (of course, other comments are more than welcome)
+ Is the dialogue believable?
+ Is the argument believable?
+ What do you think will happen to
Fiddlesticks?
Evan and Amanda?
Sid?
Gordon? |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
I only did about half of the first section. I'll get to the rest of it later. 
One thing that irked me was how it was like you were writing a piece of prose through a play. It was incredebly annoying. If you're going to put in a bunch of asides in your stage directions, then why not just write a piece of prose? It really looks like prose only the dialogue tags are in script form, and your narration is scattered about. Another thing I would suggest is putting a character list at the beginning. That would help.
For a while I was thinking that you are going to have to work hard to make this interesting. The story is clichéd, eh? But I did get to the point with the, ah, funniness between Even and Amanda, so that certainly could hold the story over the water depending on where it goes. So, with that, I am interested to see where it goes.
In some places your dialogue doesn't seem realistic, which really ruined the play. Honestly I have no idea how to help you with that. People have always told me my dialogue is realistic, and I don't know how I did it, and I don't know why I am so good at it. So...I have no idea how to fix that, hah. Just pay attention to what people say. Oh, and read it out loud, that might help. If it sounds strange to say it, then it probably is.
Another thing that got to me was how melodramatic everything seemed after he announced there was an attack and that they were in a shelter. It was just "people are crying and gasping and trying to comprehend it..." and though that is what someone would do, it seemed ho-hum and I was kind of thinking "Ok? So?" It didn't come off realistic even though it was, and I'm not sure why. When Amanda yells at Even with the whole Everyone in the World has Just Died and you Want To... thing, that was unrealistic, too. And I don't know if it is because all I am getting is the dialogue. If there was body language to it, movements, more tones to the voice, it might work better, but since it is a script, you should lay as light as possible on dictating what the characters do.
I hope that helped? I'll try to get to the other part later tonight or tomorrow. If you have any questions, find me! |
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