Topic ID: 26198
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Prokaryote
Novelist
 Gender:  Age: 74 Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 422 Reviews: 99
208 Points
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:36 am Post subject: I Am Fire |
|
|
I am feasting.
The kindle, twigs and sticks are my appetizer. The logs are my main course. Dessert lies forever out of reach.
Here they come, timber in hand: coming to feed me and my gluttonous disposition. My wispy limbs reach outward in longing: I hunger. I always hunger.
I let out a sigh as I receive a pine branch. They give it to me reverently; I am feared, respected; but I am also loved. Loved for my deceptive warmth, my devious embrace. Do they know what I would do if I had the chance? How much havoc I would gleefully sow in exchange for that brief joy, that brief ecstasy?
The pine tastes fresh, alive. Slightly moist. I siphon its life away: quickly at first, its sweet bark succumbing in an instant; and then slower as I meditatively envelop the wood's inner core, its lifeforce. I take the water and release it to the air. Table scraps.
I simultaneously eat and drink, taking oxygen from the atmosphere and savouring it like a fine wine. It is my accomplice: together we break down the toughest of foes. Together we are the most destructive machine ever devised. Together we are unstoppable. The black cloud we produce is a warning to anything living: You will die. We will consume you.
Here comes more. A man carries a log to my side and presents it to me. He is a good servant, but his fingers look delectable: if only I could reach a bit further, just a few more inches... but I cannot. I settle back and eye them. Someday.
It is the eternal irony: These animals depend on me for life, and yet I would destroy them in an instant. I am a raging bull; they must restrain and tame my fierce temper. They tease me with offerings, but will not allow me to grow, to mature, to reach my full potential.
I hate them for it.
One thrusts a stick out over me. My tongues lap up at the wood, tasting it: a marshmallow is stuck on the end, and its gooey consistency is a nice change from the normal pine. For a brief moment, I engulf the marshmallow completely, shriveling it into a charred lump of sugar. The stick is pulled away, and the human examines the end with what seems to be disappointment. Serves him right.
Revenge is the thing I do best. Who, after all, brought down the Library? Who dealt piercing blows to Rome and London? Who ravaged the White House? I did. We did.
There is a brief rustling in the circle; someone has retreated to bed. Two left.
They're talking about something; it's pointless drivel, no doubt. Yet my curiosity is piqued. "Know your enemy." -- "Knowledge is power." I cannot get close enough to hear. Those ashes have a bit of life left in them. Maybe I can reignite them.
A foot comes down, crushing my advance.
I notice dark clouds drifting over to cover the moon. I don't have much time; I redouble my efforts. A leaf. If I could get there I could use it as a springboard and move on to the grass.
A slight breeze and the leaf is out of sight.
Another human gets up and leaves. No more conversation, and the rain is coming. I have only one chance to do any damage.
As the last man gets up to leave, he braces his hand against the ground near one of my coals. I lash out at him with a spark. A sharp cry escapes his lips and he looks at me with contempt. Shaking his head, he stands up and walks into the distance as the rain begins to fall.
FIDDLESTICKS. |
_________________ Horus -- pretty cool.
Last edited by Prokaryote on Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:41 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
GryphonFledgling
It's elementary... Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 811 Reviews: 471 Country: Baker Street 650 Points
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
I loved this. It was awesome the way you gave a fire personality. It sounded like an angry god from ancient mythology almost, regretting those puny humans and some stupid pact he made with them or something.
What? Doesn't that man know the first rule about fires? You always have to stomp them out or whatever and stir them up with dirt or water until they are cool to the touch. He just left the stinking thing! Smokey Bear would not be pleased. The irony of the fire was funny, but that was unsafe of the man...
I couldn't find anything to critique except that. This was an excellent piece of work. I loved the vocabulary that you used and the way the language flowed. Really, really nice job.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling |
_________________ Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me
Jareth/Sarah shipper...
Kickin' butt and not stopping to take wordcount. NaNo 2008! Read my novel here! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 2035 Reviews: 483 Country: A ship! With me crew! 392 Points
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ahoy Proky! How are you doing this fine [insert time of day here]?
| Quote: |
| They give it to me reverently; I am feared, respected; but I am also loved. |
The abundance of semicolons here bugs me slightly. I think changing this one is totally up to you, because I'm too indecisive to say why it bothers me. xD
| Quote: |
| I meditatively envelop the wood's inner core, its lifeforce. |
Life force is two words, right? Or is it hyphenated? Either way, I'm pretty sure it isn't one word.
*giggles* Rofl. Your ending was such an unexpected change in tone that I coulnd't help but laugh. I sincerely hope that's intentional. xD
Gah! Not fair. I have almost nothing to say. You're too good, Proky. There should be like, a law against that. =P
Hehe. I love your imagery and diction. It's quite impressive. You really give the impression that the fire is in charge - which, in essence, it is. This piece is very well done.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________ "If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
"Begone, earth logic! You have no place here!" -Black Cat Sachiko |
|
| Back to top |
|
gyrfalcon
now we must laud the heaven-kingdom's keeper Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 04 Sep 2006 Posts: 2153 Reviews: 423 Country: follow me 300 Points
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I must say, just beautiful. This isn't the first time I've seen Fire personified, but it is one of the very best. To you, this element is not all anger, all powerful rage (though you do include it). I've always thought that fire had far more characteristics in common with humans than with think, and your fire's cunning and (forgive me) petulance do an amazing job of showing that. These three lines in particular were just delightful, like the whipped cream atop the pie (your eating analogies have made me hungry now):
| Quote: |
| I take the water and release it to the air. Table scraps. |
| Quote: |
| The black cloud we produce is a warning to anything living: You will die. We will consume you. |
<LOL |
_________________ "I would take the song of the swan as my entertainment, the cry of the gannet and the call of the curlew in place of human laughter...storms would pound the rocky cliffs whilst the tern, icy-winged, answered them..." ~The Seafarer, 10th century |
|
| Back to top |
|
PerforatedxHearts
shut up, i'm nanoing. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 06 May 2007 Posts: 388 Reviews: 116 Country: United States 216 Points
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow. You truly were the best at this. This was amazing. I don't think there's anything wrong with this.
| Quote: |
You will die. We will consume you.
|
Haha. How cheerful.
I love the personality you give the fire. It's a cliche idea, but you've managed to handle it in a fresh take. It's very beautiful and eloquent, and you can sense that the fire has a bit of sarcasm in it.
Good luck with the contest!
-Seree. |
_________________ "Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
NANOWRIMO2008 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 940 Reviews: 207 Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy. 300 Points
|
Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
Well so much for being helpful. This is beautiful.
| Quote: |
| My wispy limbs reach outward in longing: I hunger. |
I might replace that colon with a semi colon, since you're not defining anything (I think that's how it works =P).
^_^ This is a great piece. Very artistic and fun. I have no constructive advice, you did this too well. =P
^_^ Keek! |
_________________ Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Prokaryote
Novelist
 Gender:  Age: 74 Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 422 Reviews: 99
208 Points
|
Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 12:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks everyone! ^_^ You make me happy.
| Quote: |
| I might replace that colon with a semi colon, since you're not defining anything (I think that's how it works =P). |
It's funny, I originally had a semicolon there but changed it.
From Wikipedia: "syntactical-deductive: introduces the logical consequence, or effect, of a fact stated before"
I think that applies to the instance you picked out.
Thanks again guys!
Prokaryote |
_________________ Horus -- pretty cool. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1412 Reviews: 574 Country: in Atlanta, with my super-hawt rapper boyfriend.<3 386 Points
|
Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
Prokar!
Wow. This is really, really... excellent. I never knew that you were such an amazing writer! But now I do, and I am in awe -- how can you be funny and a great writer? *confuzzleness* So not fair for the miserable little cretins like myself.
There really isn't very much to critique. I was slightly bothered by all the colons and semicolons that you used, though. It seemed a bit repetitive and kind of cut down on the variety of the sentence structures.
There's also this one bit:
| Quote: |
I simultaneously eat and drink, taking oxygen from the atmosphere and savouring it like a fine wine.
|
'simultaneously' seems kind of awkward, at least where you placed it in the sentence. I'm not sure if there's some kind of rule about this, but I think it might sound better as 'I eat and drink simultaneously...'
But overall, I love this. I love it to death. The fire had such a great personality, and the piece had this kind of atmosphere: fun, but very eloquent. You made the fire seem interesting and entertaining (especially at the end! I love the end) without exaggerating it.
Kudos for a great piece! Definitely one of my YWS favourites -- I gave you a star.
Cheers,
Camille |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
♥ Got YWS? The user formerly known as: Ayra |
|
| Back to top |
|
Azila
Yes we did! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 23 Jul 2007 Posts: 968 Reviews: 501 Country: The Valley of the Wind 326 Points
|
Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
OOPS! I thought I already critiqued this! I guess I forgot...
Okay, because there aren't many grammatical issues (and the few ones that there are have already been pointed out), most of my nit-picks will be matters of opinion.
| Quote: |
I am feasting.
The kindle, twigs and sticks are my appetizer. The logs are my main course. Dessert lies forever out of reach. |
I think this might make a stronger opening if you made the "I am feasting" after the second paragraph rather than before it.
| Quote: |
| Together we are the most destructive machine ever devised. Together we are unstoppable. |
I think (am not sure) that there should be commas after both the "together"s...
| Quote: |
| The black cloud we produce is a warning to anything living: You will die. We will consume you. |
I think "You will die. We will consume you." should be in italics... then you can also make the colon into a period.
| Quote: |
| He is a good servant, but his fingers look delectable: if only I could reach a bit further, just a few more inches... but I cannot. |
I suggest you make the "but" into an "and"
| Quote: |
| My tongues lap up at the wood, tasting it: a marshmallow is stuck on the end, and its gooey consistency is a nice change from the normal pine. |
"nice" is a weak word... consider revising.
-------------
Other than those things, my only major complaint is your (semi-)colon addiction. I suffer it too, and it's a terrible fate, because the repetitive colon use makes your sentences uniform and a bit boring. These are a few particularly juicy examples:
| Quote: |
| Here they come, timber in hand: coming to feed me and my gluttonous disposition. My wispy limbs reach outward in longing: I hunger. |
The first one should be made into a comma and the second can be a dash.
| Quote: |
| I siphon its life away: quickly at first, its sweet bark succumbing in an instant; and then slower as I meditatively envelop the wood's inner core, its lifeforce. |
The first one is alright, (I guess) but the second should definitely be a comma.
You should just comb through it and work on that.
I really love this piece, overall! The fire is so hilarious and selfish without being too personified. Beautiful, really--just beautiful.
Congrats on my contest! ^_~
Hope this helps.
~Azila~ |
_________________ Want a critique?
"Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot." -Irish proverb. (sounds best if you read it with an Irish brogue) |
|
| Back to top |
|
Prokaryote
Novelist
 Gender:  Age: 74 Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 422 Reviews: 99
208 Points
|
Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks you two, I appreciate it!
Prokaryote |
_________________ Horus -- pretty cool. |
|
| Back to top |
|
KJ
She moves in mysterious ways... Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 644 Reviews: 466 Country: USA 170 Points
|
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I loved the descriptions and details. Points for originality, also. I don't think I've ever read something like this, so good for you. |
_________________ I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html
An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert |
|
| Back to top |
|
Prokaryote
Novelist
 Gender:  Age: 74 Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 422 Reviews: 99
208 Points
|
Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thank you, KJ. =)
Prokaryote |
_________________ Horus -- pretty cool. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Rei
E.A. Extraordinaire Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 23 Joined: 01 Feb 2005 Posts: 3140 Reviews: 685 Country: Canada 300 Points
|
Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
| That ending was just plain silly. But oddly appropriate. I got a very clear picture of what was going on and the people around the campfire. It had perfect pace that really made me feel the fire creeping up on its poetntial victims. Good job. |
_________________ Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" |
|
| Back to top |
|
mikedb1492
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 24 Feb 2008 Posts: 284 Reviews: 203 Country: The Good Ol' U.S. of A. 694 Points
|
Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Holy crap that was good. It was serious at parts but then a bit of humor or lightheartedness came in. I really liked it. Well done. |
_________________ Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 15 May 2007 Posts: 5372 Reviews: 1325 Country: England 1429 Points
|
Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
A very good piece of work, Prok. The concept is slightly unoriginal and the plot not overly interesting but the way it is written makes it intriguing and draws the reader in. You have some skillful description, an excellent sense of personality and characterization and it's generally a very entertaining piece.
I think the fire is too fixated on the sticks at the beginning so the reader doesn't get a real sense of surroundings. Why not add a brief comment on what 'desert is. On how the fire would much rather be feeding on the grass and leaves or moss that are at the bottom - how when the fire is first lit, it is given a mall ample of this better fuel to tempt it to alight, to tempt it into being.
Also, your fire has such a strong personality so strengthen its identity. Don't waver between I and we, make a decision. Which is it? Does the fire take the noble approach and refer to itself as 'we' all the time, i all fire connected? Is all fire one being? Is fire a race? Think about it. You show some uncertainty in this piece -
| Quote: |
| Who dealt piercing blows to Rome and London? Who ravaged the White House? I did. We did. |
This makes it impossible for your reader to be certain. So think about what idea you want to convey.
Other than that, I have no other criticism. Good work, hope this helps a little at least,
Heather xx |
_________________ Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|