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A poem from a Sea-turtle.
A poem from a Sea-turtle.

by kris in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on February 15, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 1)
My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 2)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 1)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 2)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 3)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 4)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 1)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 2)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 3)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 4)
Their End of the World (Chapter one)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 6)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 7)

How You Break My Heart (Chapter 5)

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chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 11:11 pm    Post subject: How You Break My Heart (Chapter 5) Reply with quote

(Sixteen years old)

I sat in my Science class, doodling in my open workbook. Next to me, Olivia hurriedly took down notes. Glancing at my watch, I yawned quietly and leaned over to look at Olivia’s book. With still twenty minutes left of class, I had to do something to make sure I passed my exams.

“You don’t know how much I’m looking forward to dropping Science,” I moaned to Olivia as we walked out of the classroom. “It’s such a bore and it has no point. I mean, what do I care about the biological set-up of a rat? How on earth is that going to help me in life?”

Olivia shrugged. “Maybe if you were planning on being a biologist…”

“But I’m not!”

Olivia stopped at her locker and traded her books. “I know, but maybe someone in our class is,” she slammed her locker door shut and we kept walking to our next class, pushing past all the kids in the hallway. “What are you doing for work experience, anyway?”

I knelled at my locker and grabbed my English books. “I’m working at a newspaper,” I said, standing up. “With Dave. He’s a journalist, and made sure I could work with him. It’ll be great. What are you doing?”

“Primary school teaching,” Olivia said.

I held back a laugh and sat down in my normal seat at the front of the class. Our English teacher, Ms. Harper, was finishing grading some papers, but she looked up and smiled kindly at me as I got out my books, ready to start working on the one subject I found important.

“Your essay on Anne Frank was amazing!” Ms. Harper said to me under her breath as everyone else piled into the room. “Best in the class. We’re starting Macbeth today, I can’t wait to see how you do. Have you read the play?”

I nodded. “Rosa did it in uni, and she was always reading bits out. She gave me her copy of the play after she finished the unit.”

Ms. Harper smiled. “That’s great,” she said as she handed me a bunch of papers. “Would you mind handing these back?”

I nodded and stood up, leaving the essays on the appropriate desks but not talking to anyone. I wasn’t particularly popular, but I had my friends and my grades. None of my friends were in extension English, so I spent every class at the front, achieving everything I could. My future was very important to me, and nothing was going to mess it up.

“How was History?” I asked Olivia after class.

Olivia shrugged. “I’ve had better classes. Seen Grace or Tina anywhere? They weren’t in class today.”

I frowned and bit into my apple as we walked downstairs to the dining hall. Grace and Tina were my other best friends, and it wasn’t like them to miss school. Grace had only taken a few days off in the year.

“Maybe they’re both sick,” I suggested, but Olivia shook her head.

“They were both here before. They’re both in my sport class.”

The answer was obvious after that. They were wagging. It wasn’t the first time they had wagged, so I was surprised that we hadn’t thought of it before.

After school, instead of going straight to mum’s house where I was spending the weekend, I headed for Rosa’s flat.

“Hi Jose,” she said, hugging me. Her hair was all over the place and she was wearing just sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. Her eyes were red and she was half asleep.

“You look terrible!” I exclaimed. “You need some sleep.”

From the other room, a baby let out a load cry. While traveling, Rosa had met this man. He came back with her and they moved in together. They were engaged, but after Mark found out Rosa was pregnant, he did a runner.

“No, I’m fine,” Rosa yawned. “Come and see Layla.”

I followed Rosa into Layla’s room and picked up the crying baby. She fell silent as I rocked her. Rosa yawned again and fell into the chair next to the cot. It was only a few minutes before she was asleep. Deciding to help my sister out a bit, I put the now sleeping form of Layla back in her cot and went into the kitchen.

It was a mess, with cups, plates and dirty dishes all over the bench. Trying not to breathe too much, I began cleaning up the kitchen.

'Why won't Dad lend her some money?' I thought to myself. 'She is his kid as well.'

Surprisingly, Rosa had a dishwasher, so I started by loading that, and then putting the clean things away. The bench was almost clear by then, with just a few food scraps remaining. I tried not to breath too much, or gag, as I threw them in the bin, and then put the almost overflowing bin bag in the main rubbish section of the flat, grateful that Rosa lived on the ground floor.

“Josie,” I heard Rosa call. “Jose, where are you?”

I whipped around from wiping down the bench and smiled at my sister. She gaped at me, and then at the clean-ish kitchen.

“Um, I think it’s time for you to go home Jose,” Rosa mumbled. “What did you do in here?”

“I just cleaned up a bit,” I explained. “You know, doing a good thing for my sister? Is that a crime, or something?”

Rosa smiled. She didn’t need to say anything, I knew she was happy. I picked up my bag from the lounge room floor and headed for the open front door.

“Give yourself a night out sometime,” I said. “I’ll come by and look after Layla. How about tomorrow? I’ll come round at 5:30.”

Rosa shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. If it’s alright with you, of course. And I’ll pay you.”

I shook my head. “No way. Actually, I’ll come round after school. See ya tomorrow!”

Rosa waved and I walked to the nearest tram stop and took off home.


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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*


Last edited by chocoholic on Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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Teague   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha. I'm pretty much amazing. *bows*

Quote:
I yawn quietly and lean over to look at Olivia’s book.

You and your tense jumping! *smites* Should be "I yawned." =P

Quote:
“That’s great,” she handed me a bunch of papers. “Would you mind handing these back?”

Personally, I would do "she said as she handed me a bunch of papers," but bottom line, it shouldn't be a comma after "great" unless you do something to that effect. Wink

...Is there a particular reason for the scene in English class? And where did Josie get an apple?

Oh, and way for Rosa to mess up her life. xD

Quote:
I tried not to breath too much,

Typo! Should be breathe*.

*gasp* No crying! Yayayayay! *does a jig*

So... how do all these chapters tie in? I'm curious to see. This one seemed kinda... pointless. Unless there's a point that comes into play later on? Meh. It may or may not be too early in the story to decide.

In layman's terms, I want more! Send me a PM when you have the next piece up. ^^

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Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Short piece this time but your writing seems to have grown. The flow is much better than some of the beginning chapters.

Quote:
(Sixteen years old)

*strangles Rosie* I love you dear, but this annoys me soo much. Hehe.

Quote:
I nodded and stood up, leaving the essays on the appropriate desks but not talking to anyone. I wasn’t particularly popular, but I had my friends and my grades. None of my friends were in extension English, so I spent every class at the front, achieving everything I could. I was part of the debating team and drama club, as well as the choir and school band with the flute and the netball team. I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to do in uni, but I knew it had something to do with writing and English.

Info dump!! Some of this information is unnecessary, some of it could be put forward in a different way. Perhaps cut this down and move it around so the reader learns all this information through scenes or dialogue or other means.

Quote:
The answer was obvious after that. They were wagging. It wasn’t the first time they had wagged, so I was surprised that we hadn’t thought of it before.

Wagging? Took me a while to realise what that was. Australian term? It confused me a bit but I suppose I'd call it 'bunking' over here and 'ditching' in America?

Quote:
While traveling, Rosa had met this man. He came back with her and they moved in together. They were engaged, but after Mark found out Rosa was pregnant, he did a runner. My sister hadn’t finished her law course, but had dropped out and was living on benefit because dad refused to help her and mum wasn’t really in a good position to lend much of a hand.

Info dumping again. This is really overwhelming for the reader and you can definitely put this across better.

Quote:
“Come and see Layla.

Woot for the name!!! Did I inspire you?

Quote:
I put the now sleeping form or Layla

The 'or' is just a bit odd. One or the other.

Quote:
Seya tomorrow

*See ya. Even slang has a proper way about it. Wink

Info Dumping
You did this a few times in this chapter. Try to steer away from it. It bores the reader and doesn't allow you to show just how good a writer you are.

Imagery
This piece had hardly any imagery. Remember, the reader can not see inside your head. They have no idea how you picture things, so you need to show them. Also, don't tell - show. 'I walked to Rosa's.' Show the journey, the roads, the area. This could give you a gap to express to the reader that Rosa is in a bad economical situation.

Let me know when you post more!
Keep writing,
Alainna
xxx

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't agree with the whole info dump comment on the paragraph about classes...I want to know what Josie has grown into liking...after all we have watched her grow up!

I do agree that this is the best written of the chapters so far and subsequently my favourite so far... did, however, crave a little more information on Rosa and the disappearing, baby-abandoning fiance.

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