Topic ID: 19067
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Riedawriter23
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 Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:11 am Post subject: Extension |
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Strip me clean, will lyric tools
With sheers and cutters, take me off.
Cut me short, slice me thin.
That lick of need
That fuels.
Pull me into strands of vine.
Curled and twisted, rough and thin
Cold and wet. Burn me straight.
Combine me, mold me,
Fix me.
Grasp and then,
Pull me taunt, all of me.
Taunt and thick.
All together, stretch me.
Oh, expand me,
Long and narrow.
Read those words
Strung together
Scalding me like boiling butter
And twisting me like fishing wire
Around my golden stem
Humming, quiet humming
Through my middle
That rhythmic beating.
As I harden, ever framed
In whole-bodied stillness.
And clenched so tightly
With your fingers
Pumping adrenalin through my core.
I’m your expansion, outlet, wand,
Anger, joy, and cast.
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Okay I had the subject in mind and then tried to put it in poem form. As far as punctuation goes I didn't know what to do really. Lol, I do sort of like it but I think it needs a lot of work. Tear apart as needed!  |
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Oh water strong, that swirls along I prithee a werewolf make me.
Of all things dear, my soul, I swear, In death shall not forsake thee.
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crewgurl93
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked it. As for punctuation, I think it's pretty good, but who am I to judge. Personally, I think poetry is about free expression. That includes how you use punctuation. You can't really be incorrect, as long as it makes sense to you! Anyway, to me, it was really good. I don't know what other's think, but it was cool.
crewgurl |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it! The visuals were great. But... I think I'm lost on meaning. Was... this about sex? XD
Some of the lines seemed a little odd, the way they were written (the first like, for example, "will lyrics tool"--what?) so you might want to read over the poem and try to pick apart some lines.
But the visuals, the imagery, that made it really cool. ^_~ |
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Riedawriter23
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| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 4:27 am Post subject: |
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XD, it wasn't actually about sex. Though, it was really about an extension in general, I was using the case of a wand...but whatever extension that is visualized here is fine. The meaning is meant to be explored. Yes, I did think that it was about sex at first though...lol. That "will" is supposed to be with, I need to fix that still. Glad you liked it.
~Rieda |
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Oh water strong, that swirls along I prithee a werewolf make me.
Of all things dear, my soul, I swear, In death shall not forsake thee.
~Proverb
Got YWS? Rick FTW!!!!
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!* |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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Pull me into strands of vine.
Curled and twisted, rough and thin
Cold and wet. Burn me straight.
Combine me, mold me,
Fix me. |
I love. "Fix me" sent chills down me.
The first two stanzas were definitely the strongest -- after that, the poem failed, for me. The third seemed to echo the second. S5 and 6 were perhaps what let me down. The last two lines especially of 6 were weak -- simply a list of things. As an ending, it should either be hard-hitting or nicely wrapping up the poem -- that did neither. As you say, the punctuation was a bit haphazrd -- I'd read some lines back to yourself and consider where you need pauses and breaks; right now some lines are a bit jarred.
| Quote: |
Humming, quiet humming
Through my middle
That rhythmic beating. |
I lost the meaning here -- without punctuation it reads "Humming, quiet humming through my middle that rhythmic beating." That doesn't work or make sense. However, I think you mean -- "Humming, quiet humming through my middle: that rythmic beating."
Which would turn into:
Humming, quiet humming
Through my middle:
That rhythmic beating.
Reads better. However, "that" sounds odd. You might want to change your phrasing, there.
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totalSNIPER
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| Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:13 am Post subject: |
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| good work there beautiful^_^.......keep up the good work ^_^ |
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