Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
A Celtic Forever
A Celtic Forever

by WarriorOfTheBrimstone in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on February 13, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


"What Is Love?"

Topic ID: 25893
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Whisper91   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

31
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 31
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:43 pm    Post subject: "What Is Love?" Reply with quote

This came to me in like an hour some week and a half ago. I'm probably not going to tweak it because I'd like to preserve it just as it popped into my head. (I don't really know what category of poetry it goes under if this isn't the one. Maybe dramatic?)





"What Is Love?"



[pre:e891082ee0]We speak of love,

    To those held dear;

We tell them,

    “I really care”;

But they bear witness

    To the fact:

        Love is nothing,

        Unless we act.



Just one has done this,

    As we might;

Everyday,

    He used no spite;

Searching,

    Love turned to light;

Us who could not make it right – 

    Us who swung the heavy weight – 

Saved by the act love:

    In obedience to someone above.



When you see me,

    Speak to me, hear;

Remember him,

    Who gave his all,

That I might love.



So in that name – 

    That perfect name – 

Even though I'm bound

    To hurt – 

I care for you,

    I act for you. . .

        I love you.[/pre:e891082ee0]

_________________
Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.

Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008


Last edited by Whisper91 on Thu Feb 14, 2008 11:25 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Doffa Is 4Eva   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

29
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Feb 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 29
Country: Australia
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 4:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this is touching. Really loved this 1!!

You turned a common idea into a very well structured original poem!!

Well done.

Dofs....

_________________
Im the author of my own life.
Unfortunately, im writing in pen and can't erase my mistakes!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Wiggy   View This User's Portfolio
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
Master of the Forum

394
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 2430
Reviews: 394
Country: Neck deep in a novel
334 Points

PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Isaac!

What a neat poem! I know you don't want to change this, and you don't have to, but I just wanted to remark on a few things.

I really liked the first stanza; you're right, love means nothing unless we act. Actions definitely speak louder than words!

The second stanza got kind of muddled, though. I think it was your awkward structuring of "Us who (etc.)" in a few of the lines. If you change it to "we" I think it would flow better.

Like I said, I did like this poem, and it was a nice praise of the Creator, but I think you could go even deeper. You seem to just be stating the obvoius: He died for us, He loves us, blah blah blah. Show me. Make me care. (I already do, but for the sake of literacy. Razz) Perhaps use examples from your lifetime to illustrate how much He means to you, to all the world. I know you're a good writer, so I'd love to see this again if you want to pursue it to publication. If you're not, then you can take my suggestions with a grain of salt, and rework it for your own pleasure.

Have a great one, and h-h-h-h-happy V-Day!!! *le hearts*

Ms. Wiggy Wink

P.S. It might help if you format it regularly on here, cause it's a lot easier to read. I liked the drifting words, but just a thought. Smile

_________________
"Best friends are the siblings that God forgot to give us."
-Anonymous

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SkaterPunk2011   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

17
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 35
Reviews: 17
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was a really interesting poem I really like it. Normally I don't read these types of poems but it has a powerful stand point. My only small suggestion is, when your rhyming be sure to rhyme through the whole thing or not at all, it confuses some readers when their reading along. But other than that it flows well and sounds great!
Keep Writing XD

_________________
Heal my wounds with devotion, sew up my heart with despair, strip my face of confinement, release me to the dreams that await me.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
writeholic   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

20
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 29 Oct 2007
Posts: 36
Reviews: 20
Country: USA
204 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great poem... I love people to comment on what my own poems make me think of, the part where he died for me, he loves me, etc. I happen to be Christian, so when I read that line it made me think of Christ. I love the imagery that you've used, and definitely don't change it if you don't want to-- whats most important is what you think about it.

_________________
"You start thinking anything is possible if you have enough nerve"- J.K Rowling
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
*singerofthenight*   View This User's Portfolio
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
Speaker of the Forum

52
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Jan 2008
Posts: 764
Reviews: 52
Country: I wish i knew...*blinks*
161 Points

PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 7:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I very much agree with writeholic...it does somewhat make you think of Christ and what he did for us......i really loves this poem...hey i didnt know you wrote them either...but very great job

keep writing!

XD,
Wolfeyes Very Happy

_________________
Lifewas radical rightafterImetthe monster. Later,life becameharder,complicated. Ultamitely,aliving hell. Like swimmingagainst a riptide,walking thewrongdirection inthefastlaneofafreeway,wakingfrom tehsweetestdreamstofindyourselfinthemiddleofa nightmare.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger
chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum

516
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey!

Sorry it took so long to get around to this. But I'm here and critiquing now.

I really liked this piece. The topic of love, not so much, but the structure and words were good.

This poem was very powerful, and I'd love to see moe poetry of yours.

_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
shanan-cat   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

120
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Jan 2008
Posts: 154
Reviews: 120

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it boy!
Liked the rhyming my friend and all the nicely written lines there.
Keep up the good work!
shanan-cat!

_________________
"Teeth yell
louder than
words..."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on February 13, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on February 13, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Defeat has its lessons as well as victory. - Pat Buchanan
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society