Topic ID: 25893
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Whisper91
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 48 Reviews: 31 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:43 pm Post subject: "What Is Love?" |
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This came to me in like an hour some week and a half ago. I'm probably not going to tweak it because I'd like to preserve it just as it popped into my head. (I don't really know what category of poetry it goes under if this isn't the one. Maybe dramatic?)
"What Is Love?"
[pre:e891082ee0]We speak of love,
To those held dear;
We tell them,
“I really care”;
But they bear witness
To the fact:
Love is nothing,
Unless we act.
Just one has done this,
As we might;
Everyday,
He used no spite;
Searching,
Love turned to light;
Us who could not make it right –
Us who swung the heavy weight –
Saved by the act love:
In obedience to someone above.
When you see me,
Speak to me, hear;
Remember him,
Who gave his all,
That I might love.
So in that name –
That perfect name –
Even though I'm bound
To hurt –
I care for you,
I act for you. . .
I love you.[/pre:e891082ee0] |
_________________ Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.
Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008
Last edited by Whisper91 on Thu Feb 14, 2008 11:25 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Doffa Is 4Eva
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 05 Feb 2008 Posts: 32 Reviews: 29 Country: Australia 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this is touching. Really loved this 1!!
You turned a common idea into a very well structured original poem!!
Well done.
Dofs.... |
_________________ Im the author of my own life.
Unfortunately, im writing in pen and can't erase my mistakes!!! |
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Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain... Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 20 Apr 2006 Posts: 2430 Reviews: 394 Country: Neck deep in a novel 334 Points
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Isaac!
What a neat poem! I know you don't want to change this, and you don't have to, but I just wanted to remark on a few things.
I really liked the first stanza; you're right, love means nothing unless we act. Actions definitely speak louder than words!
The second stanza got kind of muddled, though. I think it was your awkward structuring of "Us who (etc.)" in a few of the lines. If you change it to "we" I think it would flow better.
Like I said, I did like this poem, and it was a nice praise of the Creator, but I think you could go even deeper. You seem to just be stating the obvoius: He died for us, He loves us, blah blah blah. Show me. Make me care. (I already do, but for the sake of literacy. ) Perhaps use examples from your lifetime to illustrate how much He means to you, to all the world. I know you're a good writer, so I'd love to see this again if you want to pursue it to publication. If you're not, then you can take my suggestions with a grain of salt, and rework it for your own pleasure.
Have a great one, and h-h-h-h-happy V-Day!!! *le hearts*
Ms. Wiggy
P.S. It might help if you format it regularly on here, cause it's a lot easier to read. I liked the drifting words, but just a thought.  |
_________________ "Best friends are the siblings that God forgot to give us."
-Anonymous
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SkaterPunk2011
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 35 Reviews: 17 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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It was a really interesting poem I really like it. Normally I don't read these types of poems but it has a powerful stand point. My only small suggestion is, when your rhyming be sure to rhyme through the whole thing or not at all, it confuses some readers when their reading along. But other than that it flows well and sounds great!
Keep Writing XD |
_________________ Heal my wounds with devotion, sew up my heart with despair, strip my face of confinement, release me to the dreams that await me. |
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writeholic
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 36 Reviews: 20 Country: USA 204 Points
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:27 am Post subject: |
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| Great poem... I love people to comment on what my own poems make me think of, the part where he died for me, he loves me, etc. I happen to be Christian, so when I read that line it made me think of Christ. I love the imagery that you've used, and definitely don't change it if you don't want to-- whats most important is what you think about it. |
_________________ "You start thinking anything is possible if you have enough nerve"- J.K Rowling |
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*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off* Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 16 Jan 2008 Posts: 764 Reviews: 52 Country: I wish i knew...*blinks* 161 Points
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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I very much agree with writeholic...it does somewhat make you think of Christ and what he did for us......i really loves this poem...hey i didnt know you wrote them either...but very great job
keep writing!
XD,
Wolfeyes  |
_________________ Lifewas radical rightafterImetthe monster. Later,life becameharder,complicated. Ultamitely,aliving hell. Like swimmingagainst a riptide,walking thewrongdirection inthefastlaneofafreeway,wakingfrom tehsweetestdreamstofindyourselfinthemiddleofa nightmare. |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 31 May 2007 Posts: 1615 Reviews: 516 Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius 318 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 7:53 am Post subject: |
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Hey!
Sorry it took so long to get around to this. But I'm here and critiquing now.
I really liked this piece. The topic of love, not so much, but the structure and words were good.
This poem was very powerful, and I'd love to see moe poetry of yours. |
_________________ *Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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shanan-cat
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 23 Jan 2008 Posts: 154 Reviews: 120
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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I loved it boy!
Liked the rhyming my friend and all the nicely written lines there.
Keep up the good work!
shanan-cat! |
_________________ "Teeth yell
louder than
words..." |
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