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MidnightVampire
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 Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:33 pm Post subject: The Person Watching Me*Edited 2/20/08* |
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It's edited, I've tried to add more emotion, but it didn't go to well, so I'm still trying to fix that, sorry. I also changed the beginning and added a little more to the end. I'm sorry if it's still rough, though.
The Person Watching Me
I see those eyes,
Those eyes behind the trees.
The ones that watch me, when you don’t think I’m looking.
But I am.
You hide behind the trees, and just stare.
I just try to act normal. It’s nothing too bad, right?
Wrong.
You want to find my every weakness.
I know that now.
To find the secrets of my life and bury them in the darkness.
I’m all alone and I can still feel your eyes,
See your eyes
And our broken past.
The past that you decided to hide in the darkness as well.
I see those eyes
I see that face
With the broken past.
I see you,
Watching me. |
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Last edited by MidnightVampire on Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:33 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this ok, although it didnt really move me.
The reptition of 'eyes' is good to begin with, but it gets a little jarring after a while:
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I see those eyes,
Those dark brown eyes that are almost black.
Those eyes behind the trees.
Those eyes that watch me watching me, when you don’t think I’m looking.
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Maybe changing this stansa a little could really bring it to life.
The middle is good, the line at the end is quite effective
Hope that helps,
Eimear |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:25 am Post subject: Re: The Person Watching Me*Edited 2/20/08* |
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I see those eyes,
Those eyes behind the trees.
The ones that watch me, when you don’t think I’m looking.
But I am. |
Here, I think you can completely nix the fourth line and separate the third into two. I like how you expand on each line, but the part after the comma in the third line loses it a little because you’re talking in first person as if to yourself, then all of a sudden it’s “you”. Perhaps something like “when half lidded in fatigue”? Something that’s a bit poetic but still in keeping with your solid style.
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| Your that person who’s watching me. |
One: “your” should be “you’re” here. Two: I think this line would be much better if it were shorter; perhaps merely “watching me” the shorter end here would make it stronger, more memorable.
The whole centre of your poem is weak. It’s all telling and vague telling at that. What do the eyes look like, do they smile at her, and can she see them slide across the room as she does? Perhaps he moved closer one time, perhaps she wanted him to. It’s all about subtle tales hidden in the words. I think this could be brilliant, it certainly has the base for it. The idea and your style work well together.
If you do some work on it, please pm me, I’d like to see. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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shanan-cat
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| Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't really like it because it didn't really have much point to it... I'm really sorry.
The end wasn't very good, no offence, and the fact that all you're talking about is some person watching you and all you're doing is watching back. No offence but it's not really original and it kind of has no good point to it.
Maybe you should rethink redoing it, you know?
I liked it but it had no feeling to me, sorry!
shanan-cat!  |
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Fire Light
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: |
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Hmm... it's pretty good.
Well, everyone beat me to all the technical stuff, although you might want to put a few commas in "I see those eyes
I see that face
With the broken past.
I see you,
Watching me."
Other than that, and what everyone else said, it's still pretty good. |
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MidnightVampire
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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Shanan-cat - At least your honest.
I'll try and fix (and maybe rewrite) this in ELT today.
Thanx. |
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kinzygirl223
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:22 pm Post subject: |
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This was really good.....
I liked it.
Hmmm this is a sucky review but yeah.
I dont have any suggestions. |
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Echolair
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:25 am Post subject: |
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Awww. That last part made it all clear. That was sad. -.- Nice job!  |
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MidnightVampire
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 8:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks! That gave me happiness in this day that isn't the best .Still trying to make it better though. |
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Absynthe
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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LOL I thought tht was great!! u and my freind kirsten would rlly get along!!
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Nightfall
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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Ah! This is most excellent!
I like the subtle hinting of the dark past, and the way both your character and the character of the one that watches really shines. It's really interesting, and well-edited!
~Nightfall |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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It was ok. Just ok. It was like a read this somewhere before. I don't know. I'm just talking outside of my neck. Keep writing.  |
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