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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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 Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 12:07 pm Post subject: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 1 Revised |
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[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]
Last edited by Vernon on Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:01 pm; edited 13 times in total |
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thething912
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:51 pm Post subject: |
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I think it's good so far.
You had some errors that you need to fix. |
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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Well done, Vernon. This is an incredible story you have going here. At first, I thought that this was going to be a slightly stupid story, but I was proven wrong. No offense or anything. 
The first part, where the brother and sister and preforming was very well described. I could picture everything that was happening, as it was happening. Your dialouge was very good, espeically at the end of the chapter.
There were a lot of little tiny errors (i.e. You forget to put the 's on possive nouns and things like that) and it would really make a difference if you read this slowly and aloud.
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| Their mum and dad called out encouraging words from below. |
I'm not quite sure about this one. I think mum and dad is a bit too modern.
That was the only problem that I really saw.
The ending was by far the best part. I loved it. Jared is an awesome name by the way. 
You really have a way with dialouge. It just seems so realistic! You must have put a lot of time and effort into this, Vernon. Well done.
Keep writing!
BBB |
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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Heya! Sorry it took a while to get to, I've been really stuck down with homework...
I was very unsure where you were going with this at first, but now I am glad I read it all. The storyline is very exciting and intersting here. The way you explained the cnesses and sets, without going ott, really shows me what a good author you are. You are clearly very experienced and don't need to mimick others to achieve success.
This may be me misreading but what time is this set? I'm guessing 19-20th century. Am I right?
You have a great plot and the ending was excellent. I haven't read the original to this, but I don't want to either because this is brilliant -
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~ |
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: |
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This was a good revision to your first chapter. I think it sounds better this way. One thing, though.
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| “Lives not fair!... |
I could have been reading the sentence wrong, but did you mean "Life's not fair!..."?
Otherwise, this was well done. Again, as I've said before, this was a really good idea to come up with. (The plot and all) So great work!
Royally,
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| Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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The moment that you have been waiting for Vernon "does sarcastic gasp".
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| Alexzander heard nothing as he bowed several times and smiled, arrogantly rolling his eyes, down at the peasants who wouldn’t dare try this. |
Omit the comma after "eyes". It slows down the flow of the sentence.
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| Though they still watched others agog, as they performed what seemed impossible to them; during these times it was understandable that they begged to be entertained, though on no account was this worth the extra salary he got to keep moral alive during times of war. |
The first part of the sentence seems to be a jumbled mess. I know what you are trying to say, but the syntax is messed up. Go over it and check it out for yourself.
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| Imported all the way from the other continent, spoils of war from a war not won. |
Repetition of "war".
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| You can smoke it you can drink it; of course both times a large amounts is crushed. |
Don't change pronouns in the middle of the piece. Keep your pronouns consistent throughout to avoid confusion.
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| Looking through sea of faces, the many stands packed to brim, it wasn’t uncommon for something to fall and be trampled. |
Packed to brim? Don't you mean "packed to the brim'?
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| Then there were people who couldn’t be bothered moving when the show began pissing themselves or soiling or both. |
0.0 What are you on about? Pissing themselves? Shows can't piss. And why have such vulgar words like "pissing or "soiling" dumped into a sentence from nowhere? The other sentences didn't have such vulgarity, why should you just throw it in?
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| The stands were cleaned weekly but by the time it was time to clean them. They literally overpowered anyone stupid enough to walk past them. When you cleaned them once you never wanted to do it again. It was decided by a bag of stones and one had the fateful words inscribed on it saying ‘Bench and Stands Duty’ Sighing in irritation he cursed wandering of his mind and forced himself to forget it all, distraction were least what he need. |
Alright, I have a lot of beef with this paragraph. 1. It's so fustrating to read. It's so long winded and clumsily worded that some noob might think this must be some nifty stuff. It isn't. The words just don't flow together that well and it is rather hard to digest. 2. This is nothing but waffle really. The stands have little relevance to the plot at hand nor does it have a strong connection with the effects of the war. The idea is so vague and so random that it would had been better if it wasn't there. It is only clogging up the flow of your fantasy. 3. The grammar in the paragraph was terrible too.
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| Alexzander smiled to him self because even when she wasn’t in her costume she still looked liked an acrobatic angel. Many of the men and adolescent boys had tried vainly to flirt and gain his sister love, but she politely refused. After she’d told him that she just wasn’t ready. She looked slightly nervous her feet shifting about. But she was ready as she looked at him again. Her face was resolute. |
Head/desk. Do you really think it is realistic for that many males to be horny to Tea, let alone to be asking the same question? Do you even know how romances/ sex work? This is just naive. People have better things to do than to be in a relationship. One or two is alright, but I find it idotic for that many to be interested in her this way. Even in times of war, people have better things to do, unless there's a population decline of woman in your fantasy. And to compare Sierra with an angel, come on, that's cliche.
--Note: At this point onward, I've decided to stop doing the grammar errors, as you have a lot of it, and I'm not going to go over it. Waste of my time to actually go over the errors.
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| It wasn’t she didn’t love Antio, she knew he hated being forced to do this. |
From out of nowhere, you dumped this onto us with little leading up to this. Why mention this aspect if there it has little to do with the plot? There needs to be more development in the plot itself leading up to this to make this flow with the prose, and not just be an info dump.
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| We are family; we shall stay a family and always be a family! |
The dialogue so far is so bare at the moment. Here is an example. This is just cliche. I keep hearing this formalistic quote being used in soap operas and some sat/sun cartoons. It's not as simple as just being a family would you be able to face the conflicts ahead, it's much more complicated than that -.-
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| Her heart fluttered, the fire the passion, it reminded her of the early day. |
Shallowness again. You took the idea of "heart" and "passion" but fail to bring anything new to the concept nor to develop this theme further.
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| She nodded in agreement her eyes full of intense hatred but her eyes strangely hot and wet, “Jared Lyons, just be glad we can’t find work else where. |
Repetition of "eyes".
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| You can’t have Sierra or Alexzander. Grow up; you call yourself a man, the girl only nineteen! She’s not yours to have. |
Lol! You've got to be joking me... Sierra and Alex are 19 man, they do not need to be babysitted. Ever heard of maturity and responsibility? I stayed alone in my house when I was 12 and started using public transport when I was 14. Hell when a person is 19, that's when they go to university. For Jared to not have Sierra or Alex just because they are 19 is just laughable. Come on man, at least make their motivations and reasons more realistic than this.
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| She groaned, why did she stop him? |
The question is redundant.
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| He damn deserved it, and she wanted to break his neck - to stop his taunts for good |
And so is this. We don't care about your teenage angst Vernon. We want to know the story -.-
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| “Now, now, now, Antio you should try to control your temper especially as you wouldn’t last very long in a fight. --Oh did you forget the little problem of walking? Too bad! Now get out my sight, before I send your whole family on to the streets! Don’t think I won’t, you do after all know me, or so you claim, so never think I need you. I don’t need you!” |
This sudden burst of emotion is rather sudden, and seems like it's near the climax. For this to be effective, there needs to be more build up before the dialogue could get to this level (development).
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| He’d no right, her family risked life and limb for him and he didn’t need it. They headed back to their trailers. |
This needs to be showed, not told.
Overall impressions:
At a certain point, I stopped doing the line to line and just thought that I should just get to the point.
1. Show vs Tell.
You have some issues regarding show vs tell. At the beginning of the piece, you started nicely with some decent imagery and descriptions which help establish the mood of the piece. However, as the piece continued, this started to drop and replaced with pointless telling information. You told information when you wanted to rush to the next scene, which actually affected the pacing of the piece (more on that later). Information was also dumped when you were defining your characters. You basically told us what he/she felt and their thoughts and actions. You didn't make an attempt to work this neatly with the plot at hand. Not only is it hard to digest, it is frustrating to read and rather boring. Prehaps the worst form of telling that you did was actually throwing your own angst into the story. It just doesn't work, as it feels as though you are trying to lecture the reader or something. We want to read this because of the story, not to get lectured Vernon. Get that through your head, do not throw your angst/ opinions into the story.
2. Characters.
The rewrite didn't really fleshed out the characters. You have defined them, I give you that, but you haven't fleshed them out further. Look at my line to line to the bit where I mentioned something that is character related. Since you told more than showed, it had affected the fleshing out of your characters, as in your telling, you only stated general statements but make little attempt to elaborate on them further. Some of the statements were reminiscent to a stereotype or a cliche in our society which is something you want to avoid. Fleshing your characters is done through naturally flowing sentences which breathe life and energy into your characters, not the polar opposite of dumping information at us like you did in the piece. You can't force character development like that way that you did, it has to feel natural with the piece.
2.5 Dialogue.
Dialogue is somewhat ok, but far from impressive. It isn't anything eye catching or memorable. It is just there. Typical and rather uninteresting. Sometimes, the dialogue feels forced. It jumps from one note to another in quick succession without much substance to it, making it feel a bit awkward. Some of the dialogue is plain stupid. Period. The biggest thing that dialogue failed to do was actually made your characters more unique. Each of them talked in pretty much the same way and the content of their dialogue is rather bare, for it doesn't really show the character in greater depth, but rather only scratch the surface of their character. The stupidity of some of the dialogue doesn't work in your favor either.
3. Grammar + Spelling.
Check your grammar and spelling please. You have some errors ranging from minor to major ones. Luckily, there wasn't much major ones.
4. Plot.
The plot is fine at the moment, but what really brings it down is due to the above points. As a result, it makes your plot feel rather bear, despite the solid framework.
4.5 Pacing.
However, the story's pacing is just exhausting. You try to cram too much in the first chapter. A lot of things happen in the first chapter, and it is rather hard to absorb it all in (the info dumps in the piece just makes it harder). Scenes jump from one to another, leaving the links between the scenes almost non existent.
Overall? I think it has slightly improved, but still has some ways to go. The piece does show that you are ambitious with this fantasy, but I believe your approach is just not the way to go. You force aspects like "character development" rather than letting it feel natural with the piece, making it rather rough in some places.
Andy. |
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Pickle810
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| Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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The story was good, yes, but it still needs some work, mostly with commas. It's as though you were in such a rush to get it all out on paper, hearing it so clearly in your head, that you forgot to place in those punctuations that make dialogue and plot run smoothly. In some places, I understood why the comma might be there, but it didn't make any sense, and in others, such as with Nouns of Direct Address, there were no commas, making the words run together and as I listen in my head, I feel like they're talking really, really fast. Sorry.
So, go through reading it aloud, exactly as it's written, maybe with help from a friend, and fix all those commas. You've got a really great story going here, if you fix it up a little! I loved the little details, the descriptions! |
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Firearris
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Vernon!
Here are my comments:
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| Many of the men and adolescent boys had tried vainly to flirt and gain his sister love, but she politely refused, gradually the refusal become more cold. |
his sister's love,
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| “What do you mean by what? Do you mean this night as I watched or when I preformed it?” Antio eyes fell over his leg, the night coming back so vividly. |
What do you mean by what? rephrase that. And Antio eyes Antio's eyes
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| Alexzander success…” |
Alexzander's success..."
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| He had short fluffy bread reaching to his neck. |
short fluffy......bread? Fix the spelling error
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| “Now you two, not now, it’s been tiring day and Alexzander clear that expression she cares about you god, be glad she does.” |
it's been a tiring day
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Looking down at the floor Melissa muttered, “Lives not fair! Now when you feel mature enough to apologize. We’ll be here.”
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Same as what Sydney said, I could be reading this wrong, but do you mean
Life's not fair?
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| Sierra lip quivered slightly and her eyes welled up with stinging tears. |
Sierra's
Well, this is a good piece.  Make the changes I listed above and also the changes the others listed. I suggest you re-post it after everything it done, so the other mistakes can be found. ^_^
~Fire |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: |
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| ...distraction were least what he needed. |
Would work better as, "distractions were what he needed least right now." Or, "A distraction wasn't what he needed."
Another thing, please don't bog the whole thing down with long sentences!
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| Gradually the refusal become more cold. |
Should be, "became more cold" or perhaps "colder."
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| He felt, no fear as he fell; plummeted |
Comma needs to go! He's only being a bugger.
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| The look of nervousness she had given earlier vanished |
Maybe just me, but that could use some work. All in all, though, I'm enjoying
this. Critiquing and reading. |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:17 am Post subject: |
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| The enclosure hummed with noise, limelight’s shone forth from neon lamps and various perfumes and other bodily smell emanated off the people. |
I would write,
The enclosure hummed with noise. Limelite shone from the neon lamps, and varous perfues and other bodily smells emanaed off the people.
What does this mean? I've never seen this word before, so 'd use something different.
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| But now it was time for her the finale. |
I think you mean,
But now it was time for the finale.
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| Her golden locks flying. |
I think this should be with the preivous sentence.
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| the crowd were silent |
the crowd was silent
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| The look of nervousness she had originally vanished, |
This sentence is very awkward. I'd write,
The look of nervousness she had originally worn had vanished
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| Sierra sighed to herself still blowing kisses. |
Sierra sighed to herself, still bowing kisses.
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| Seeing all those normal girls watch with such envy if only they knew… |
I'd write,
Seeing all those girls watch with such envy. If only hey knew...
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| Then headed down the long descent. |
Either join this up with the previous sentence or change it.
I'll leave off there and do the rest either later tonight or tomorrow. I'll give you my comments once I finish. |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 7:43 am Post subject: |
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I'm ba-ack!!!
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| The ladder, shuddering; |
I don't understand this bit I think it should be,
The ladder shuddered;
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| over his- calculating green eyes |
Why the -? It really eems to be there for no reason. In fact, it disripts the sentence.
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| "Weren’t you worried? Sierra |
"Weren't you worried?" Sierra
himself
Okay, I finsihed. I'm sure there's more that I could have pointed out, but I spent most of the time trying to concentrate on what was going on. In the beginnig it was nice and simple, but then it just began to get confusing. I could work out who was who or what they did or what they wanted.
Your writing style is good, I'd just recommened being a little more clear on what was happening, because, to be honest, I had almost no idea. |
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 11:45 am Post subject: |
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Hey, I thought I'd lost the link but this was relatively easy to find. Thanks for giving me it-because this was an interesting read!
Very impressive. Forget all the grammer, punctuation criticisms (which are rare in this polished piece)- the concept is amazing. I sort of got the same thrill- hate to compare you here- begining this chapter when I read Harry Potter. I was excited to continued.
You set the scene of performance supberbly. I especially liked theses descriptions:
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| The spectators broke out in a frenzy of applause. |
Good. Sort of basic but good.
And
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| Looking through sea of faces, the many stands packed to the brim |
The rest is engaging and dealt with well. You showed the reader who's boss. All too often a writer tries to write something new to them such as sailing a boat when they've never done it. This wasn't the case here.
The only thing that sort of spoilt it for me is when you begin a sort of rant about Sierra. I just begain to feel annoyed and as if it wasn't necesarry. You should have shown how men want her, instead of spending a whole paragraph on her brother's thoughts about it.
Other than that, well done V.
I'm looking forward to reading more.
Best Wishes,
Ami. |
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Esmé
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Vernon,
I did promise you a crit, no?
Quote;
The enclosure hummed with noise, limelight’s shone forth from neon lamps and various perfumes and other bodily smell emanated off the people.
Is “smell” uncountable? Also, if you want to expand, then here is a wonderful occasion. You can add more description.
Quote:
Gradually, the noise subsided as their eyes turned away from each other and eagerly towards
That “eagerly”, placed as it is, bothers me. It’s as another “turn” should be added up there, after the word, though not “turn” itself, as it already is used, but a synonym.
Quote:
Gradually, the noise subsided as their eyes turned away from each other and eagerly towards the heart of the marquee; to see a middle-aged man walking out dressed entirely in red, a inky black hat balancing proudly on his head - the rim shielding his right eye; a long bright light following his movement all the way to the centre.
Okay, I got really mixed up reading this sentence. The semicolons do not help in the slightest. Consider placing periods instead, and clearing this up a bit? Let’s do an analysis.
“(…) of the marquee; to see a middle-aged man walking out dressed entirely in red, a inky black hat balancing proudly on his head - the rim shielding his right eye.”
Where I put a period - that is where it should stay. But back to the beginning. Instead of a semicolon, a plain comma. “A inky” - “an inky”. Dash not needed, a comma would do. The rest of the sentence after yet another semicolon should stand on its own.
Quote:
The brother and sister duo Alexzander and Sierra…
Of? Also, I don’t usually suggest this, but an exclamation mark in the previous sentence.
Quote:
“Tonight we’ll see if Alexzander and Sierra will succeed where their parents failed?
Why the question mark?
Quote:
Letting out sounds of reverence comprised of ooooh’s and aaaaah’s, their hungry eyes filled with abject wonder.
Whose, the parents’? I doubt that, somehow. And perhaps add (yes, extending, extending) that (in the above paragraph) the audience did not see the smirk.
Quote:
Though they still watched others agog, as he and Sierra performed what seemed impossible to others.
I don’t understand the “watched” part. But no comma, and perhaps merge this with the last sentence?
Quote:
During these times it was understandable that they begged to be entertained, though, on no account was this worth the extra salary he got to keep moral alive during times of war.
No second comma.
Quote:
it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men. H
Comma before “a”
Quote:
Standing on the small strut on the tall wooden pillar lit with bright blinding colours, which would only appeal to kids and those high on Raana seeds.
“he…” - he did what? An answer is expected.
Quote:
Another lovely thing gained from this war.
“war, those seeds.”
Quote:
. Then there were people who couldn’t be bothered moving when the show began...
“bothered moving?”
Quote:
The stands were cleaned weekly but by the time it was time to.
Er, you seem to lack something up there.
Quote:
Each person picked out single one and one had the fateful words inscribed ‘Bench and Stands Duty’ Sighing in irritation he cursed wandering of his mind and forced himself to forget it all, distraction were least what he need.
A period is missing up there. Comma before “he”. Add a dash instead do last comma, or semicolon.
Quote:
Alexzander’s Yeasa’s career would flourish and burn everlastingly!
Nice.
Quote:
His sister, Sierra, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him, she was a few years older than him, long blond hair elegantly decorated her face, which she always kept loose;
Run-on. “His sister, Sierra, who stood on a smaller pillar, grinning at him intently, was a few years older than him, long blond hair, usually kept loose, elegantly decorating her face.”
Quote:
for she had expressed to him many times that she loved feeling of it flying as she fell.
Cut the “for”, cut the semicolon. Make it stand on its own.
Quote:
Her thick, eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on.
On? If on nothing, then cut it.
Quote:
Alexzander smiled to him self; yes it was no surprise men wanted her- if only for appearance, if only they knew without the make-up she was about as heavenly as a harlot.
Comma after “yes”. Two “if only”. Rephrase. Notice how many semicolons there are in this paragraph.
Quote:
Watching professionally for her moment she went over plan rapidly in her head.
Er, what?
Quote:
well she wouldn’t let that bother her.
Comma.
Quote:
He felt, no fear sailing down--plummeting; as the wind
No comma. Why the semicolon? Not needed.
Quote:
then he was aware of his sister grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she’d been on
Make this a separate sentence.
Quotes:
smiled wide -his face a fixed grin- madly.
Smiled widely, his face a fixed grin. Or madly. Choose one.
Quote:
She climbed on the trapeze, and then while it still moved,
Comma after then.
Quote:
Landing on the taller column she sighed quickly in relief her heart pounding-pounding her chest as if was cannon ball.
Comma before “she”, “her”, was - were.
Quote:
Leaping she caught with her legs and looped them round the stool;
Caught with? Leaping, comma. Cut the semicolon.
Quote:
Still holding on with her legs she caught him with both arms and with unbelievable strength she threw him into the air.
Still holding on with her legs, she caught him with both arms and with unbelievable strength threw him into the air.
Quote:
Barely he had a chance to relax as she whistled again, he leapt blindly back over to his pillar.
“Barely he had”? “before she whistled again, and he had to leap blindly back over to his pillar.”
Quote:
As he leapt easily over they cried out in shock; and no mistaking the fawning of girls impressed by mere feats, easily accomplished.
Semicolon unnecessary… And, er, what?
Quote:
Sierra swung a few more times on the trapeze her elegant movements as she balanced with one foot hooked on, then flipping to perform the splits of in mid air.
Sierra swung a few more times on the trapeze, her movements elegant as she balanced with one foot hooked on (on what?). She then flipped to perform the splits of in mid air.
Quote:
Each strands of her hair splaying out in all directions -creating a mane-.
Why the dashed?
Quote:
Before it fell.
What it?
Quote:
Silently she somehow got balance on her hands and feet pointing toward the canvas.
Commas.
Quote:
Blood rushed to her skull, but keeping eyes on people she ignored dizziness and nausea.
Comma after “people”/
Quote:
Vaulting once more to the trapeze he landed on her bare feet, the trapeze still swinging, like a pendulum of a very gargantuan clock.
Vaulting once more to the trapeze, he landed on her bare feet, the trapeze still swinging like a pendulum of a very gargantuan clock.
Quote:
Lastly she swung trapeze more
Comma.
Okay. At this point I’m stopping the continuous flow of quotes and am going to say something very, very important. Grammar + punctuation = disaster (and no, that was not the important part).
Important is this: YOU CAN (have to) IMPROVE IT.
Why? Because it wearies me, as the reader, for whom (up to a point) you write, to read this. An otherwise interesting story, plot (I remember that from my previous read) is ruined if I find myself not understanding some sentences, or just wanting to scream in frustration. This can be fixed. It’s dreary work, and not too enjoyable, I admit, but can, and has to be, done. An otherwise enjoyable read became a dull task.
Okay, generally everything has, and I just wanted to emphasize what I said, because it really is important. Really, really important.
I like your style. I like the descriptions. It's generally interesting. But it's hard to read.
Cheers,
Esme
Edit: Well, that is what you get when you catch a reader with a major headache. But, improve that grammar and punctuation, and I think that this will be fine |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Vernon! I never actually read your story, so I'm kind of excited!
Grammar and First Impressions
| Quote: |
The enclosure erupted with noise, [no comma] while the stands reverberated with old fatigue. A shroud of limelight’s limelight glistened (each one glinting with a inviting glare) from neon lamps, emitting chromatic shades, [no comma] while many perfumes and other bodily smells rose off the people in a colourful cocktail. |
This is really good imagery. I know you've showed this to me before, but I never made my personal comments. You have an excellent use of words!
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Gradually, the din hushed and the Orchestra orchestra stopped, some collapsing. |
I don't understand how the orchestra...collapsed. Surely the players didn't faint. They're people just like those in the audience. And you already said the orchestra stopped. If you were describing how the orchestra's music stopped, try instead to describe how the brass' notes failed, how the strings went out of tune, how the drums stopped drumming.
| Quote: |
As the The crowd’s eyes stirred from each other and towards the heart of the marquee, [no comma] to witness a middle-aged man saunter out, dressed in red, an inky black hat balancing on his head, the rim shielding his right eye. A long vivid light following followed his movement all the way to the hub. |
I think you could split the second sentence so it's not so long and dragged out. It works either way, as long as the comma use is correct.
| Quote: |
| Once, [no comma] all was quiet, he spoke. |
| Quote: |
| “Ladies and gentlemen! The act you’ve been waiting for all night,” the man’s voice boomed, “the most popular part of the night featuring son and daughter of the world celebrated acrobat couple Antio and Melissa.” He took a long dramatic breath, [period instead] “The brother and sister duo Alexzander and Sierra!” Again pausing his face lit up in glee, [period instead] “… [no ellipses] Tonight for the first time ever, they will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck’!” |
Underlined: I want to make sure you meant the structure here. I think they tend to say, "The act you've all been waiting for".
| Quote: |
| Waiting until it quieted down, he continued, “Tonight we’ll see if Alexzander and Sierra will succeed where their parents failed?” |
Whoops, this shouldn't be a question. Fix this up; I trust you know how to. ^_^
| Quote: |
| “Or will they fall short, ending their successful career in a night?” While he spoke, he took a sideward glance at Antio, smirking, while he juggled the enthusiasm of the rabble. |
| Quote: |
| Letting out sounds of reverence consisting of oooohs’ and aaaaahs’, their hungry eyes filled with wonder. |
This may be a personal preference, but I usually keep the number of letters to 3. What I mean is that in oooohs, I would put three o's instead of four. Ooohs because two looks like a typo, but four o's looks like you got a little carried away. xD Same with aaaaahs. At least keep the number consistent, lol. I'd change them to ooohs and aaahs. Some people prefer two, which is fine. In this case, that may be the best choice. Just shorten those two words. ^_^ And no apostrophes at the end of them are needed.
| Quote: |
Though they still gazed at them and countless others, agog in his statuette marvel, while Sierra and he performed what seemed impossible to most. |
Rephrase this. I got lost with all the staring. Who was gazing at who and what others? Plus this is not a complete sentence. I think you meant the ringmaster dude was gazing at them, considering the agog in his statuette marvel.
| Quote: |
| During these times, it was understandable that they expected to be entertained, though on no account was this worth the extra salary he got to keep morale alive, [no comma] throughout [these] times of tension. |
I put these in brackets because it's optional. If he's currently getting the extra salary, I would put these in there.
And is this Alexzander's point of view now? I think you should make the transition a little more obvious by inserting more names than pronouns, if you know what I mean. xD
| Quote: |
| Alexzander knew that they all loved him; [period instead] it made him feel amazing, exhilarated, a god among men; always giving them what they asked for and rarely failing |
I like the second semicolon, but having two semicolons combining three consecutive sentences should be against the law. Well...technically it is, lol! Rewrite this, or fix up the semis/periods.
| Quote: |
| His family was known all through the continent of Loka’saw, [dash instead?] him especially. |
Depends on your style of writing. I love dashes, so I'd put a dash. Some people like parentheses and would put the him especially in parentheses. Dashes and parentheses are kind of reliefs from the many commas, but a comma can work here if you so desired one. ^^
| Quote: |
| Positioned on a tall trunk-like structure, sporting bright, garish colours, Alexzander felt no joy from these bright and psychedelic shades, appealing only to those intoxicated on Shoth. Another lovely thing gained from this struggle. Imported all the way from the other continent, spoils of battles from an un-won war. They could be smoked, drunk or ingested. |
I don't get un-won war. Maybe ongoing conflict is better? Or war. Conflict or war. xD Though, now that I think about it, it kind of shows characterization; how Alexzander believes they'll win the war, they just haven't yet. It'll work, I guess. ^^
Underlined: This would be another instance for dashes/parentheses. [Dashes tend to be used more stylistically.] Sporting bright garish colours is an aside note. The commas are correct, but because you want a comma between the adjectives, the commas surrounding the phrase make it hard to read. I'd take the comma in the adjectives away 'cause there really isn't a necessity for it, but you can have it. Just don't have so many commas that it's hard to read.
| Quote: |
The stench overpowered anyone insane enough to walk past them. It was hardly ever cleaned: cleaning Cleaning duty was assigned by bad luck, [no comma] and not very often. Each person drew a single pebble out of a bag of stones, one of which had the fateful words "Bench and Stands Duty" inscribed on its surface.
[New paragraph?]
Sighing in exasperation, he cursed for letting himself drift into persiflage. Forcing his mind to focus, he reminded himself, [no comma] distractions is are how amateur mistakes are made. |
It's kind of a new thought, so I suggested a new paragraph. The subject went from cleaning duty to Alexzander, so...New idea, new paragraph?
| Quote: |
| It was the most daring thing he had ever done. He felt at this point nothing could stop him, that he was invulnerable, and no way would he make the same mistake his father had. |
Then get the show going! You're taking too long of a time describing the scene.
| Quote: |
| His sister, Sierra, stood on a smaller pillar, grinning intently at him. She was a few years older than him, had long flaxen shining hair, which she always kept loose; for she had expressed to him many times that she loved the feeling of it flying as she fell. |
Here, you didn't have commas separating the adjectives. Keep it consistent. have commas separate the adjectives, or don't. It works either way, but consistency is good. ^^
| Quote: |
| Thick, [no comma] eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on her countenance. |
| Quote: |
Alexzander smiled to himself; yes, it was no surprise men wanted her- if only for her appearance. It would be best if they knew without the make-up, she was about as heavenly as a harlot. Many the man and adolescent boy -blinded by her feats and make-up- had tried vainly to flirt and gain his sister’s love, but she would politely refused refuse. Gradually the refusal had become colder. He could see her shifting feet and hands tightly clasped. Slowly her face lifted, and though she appeared nervous, her eyes were totally resolute. |
Yay, you do use dashes! However, what you're using are hyphens. Dashes are two hyphens. Dashes are -- and hyphens are - so don't get them mixed up. It's also bet to put spaces around the dashes. So it would read like this: ...it was no surprise men wanted her -- if only for her appearance.
| Quote: |
| From far below, he could barely see their parents, screaming out words of encouragement as his Dad genuflected clumsily, [no comma] in an act of excitement and pure joy. |
| Quote: |
| Her job was to catch him at the last minute. The problem was if there was no safety net below and… well, she wouldn’t let that bother her. |
Make this an actual thought bubble, so it doesn't sound as random as it is. ^^
| Quote: |
| They were finally considered skilled and old enough to try this. He felt no fear sailing down-- [comma instead] plummeting; the wind rushed through his whole body, then he was aware of his sister grasping his hands. As he gripped hers in return, he felt a warmth and clamminess, showing she was nervous. Ignoring this, he smiled widely and madly. She threw him on to her former platform. |
| Quote: |
| Sierra climbed on the trapeze, and then, while it still moved, she leapt, facing away from the destination column on to the higher one, her beautiful long blond hair flying free. |
Underlined: I didn't get this part. I had it all in my mind until I got here. xD
| Quote: |
| Twinkles, glittering from her elbows, made both arms appear to be pure light, completing the lie that she was a Goddess. |
Why is goddess capitalized? You didn't have god capitalized earlier, and they are a duo. So they're either capitalized or they're not. I'd prefer not, but it's up to you.
| Quote: |
Landing, she sighed quickly in relief, the heart pounding, [no comma] her chest as if it were a cannon ball.
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| Quote: |
Leaping, she caught with her legs and looped them round the stool; then she raised two fingers to her lips and let a shrill and piercing sound free, throwing himself Alexzander off backwards as soon as the sound was uttered. she She speedily quickly [if you must have an adverb here] caught him, still gripping the stool with her legs, and with astonishing strength, she flung Alexzander into the air. Coming down, he landed on the swing. Having not one second to relax, she whistled again, [semi or period] he leapt blindly back over to his pillar. |
| Quote: |
| There was no mistaking the sound of the peasants. As he leapt easily over, they cried out in shock; [comma instead?] and no mistaking the fawning of girls impressed by mere feats, [no comma] easily accomplished. |
| Quote: |
Sierra swung a few more times on the trapeze her elegant movements as she balanced with one foot hooked on, [no comma] then flipping to perform the splits of in mid-air. |
I scratched that part out 'cause it didn't fit in the sentence. If you could find a way to put it in the sentence, that would be awesome, but it doesn't work right now. You forgot the hyphen in mid-air too. ^^
| Quote: |
Each strands of her hair splaying splayed out in all directions -creating a mane-. [no period] Before it fell. |
Both sentences here do not work by themselves. No dash should be before the period [plus, they should be dashes, not hyphens ], and combine this with the previous paragraph.
| Quote: |
The worse worst was over; finally she preformed a forward roll in mid-air, her dextrous dexterous fingers catching hold of the bar and clambering up. |
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