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Teh Wozzinator
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 Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: One Good that came from Crime |
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One Good that came from Crime
There’s a lady from the supermarket
Sits at the counter by aisle ten.
She puts a twenty
In the cash drawer
And deals out change
For a Cherryfield Smoked Ham.
The next customer
Holds nothing in his hands
So the lady asks him,
“Can I help you, sir?”
He pulls out a gun
And he growls
At her pretty face,
Which is white from terror,
“All the money, now!”
Quickly she obeys.
--
A little boy
Stands alone
In the street.
He’s begging, begging
For food,
Or for money
So that he can eat.
A tear rolls down his cheek
As once again he’s refused,
Pushed away worthlessly.
A man runs around the corner
He has a gun in one hand
And a bulging pocket
On his other side.
A police arrives
And the man yells,
“Out of the way!”
He reaches up with the pistol
And the boy turns to run.
He hears a gunshot
And suddenly falls to the ground.
--
Lieutenant James
Jumps out of his car
And sees the thief
Running quickly away.
Sees the homeless boy
Sees the man raise his gun…
The lieutenant draws his own.
--
The lady from the supermarket
Sees the police arrive.
She runs outside
And starts to tell
All that happened inside.
The lieutenant brushes
Her out of the way
And simply says,
“It’s done.”
The lady turns to look.
--
A few moments later
The little boy stands up.
He kicks away the box
That he had tripped on.
He sees yellow tape
The robber lying on the ground…
Police searching through his clothes…
The boy’s eyes grow wet
A teardrop quivers on his lip.
He thinks sadly
Why did my parents
Leave me here like this?
And for the first time in ages
He is suddenly comforted.
A hand grabs his own
And he looks up to see
The lady from the supermarket,
Who sits at the counter by aisle ten. |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:09 am Post subject: |
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Over all I liked it. The topic was nice and it flowed well.
1.) You could have added a bit more punctuation to help us know how you want it to flow, but it's still good the way it is.
2.) Your stanza introducing the cop is a little too short. The flow reads differently and feels cut off. Maybe elaborate a bit, I don't know. Read over it yourself, it could just be me.
3.) The event is clear, but the picture at times isn't. I like how you described the woman's face, but that's all there really was. Two or three more words could help paint a better picture.
Not much to change as far as I can tell. Good job. |
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simple-harmonic-motion
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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RIGHT-
1) You need to decide whether you want to write poetry or prose. Believe it or not there is a difference. Writing a story in verse is pointless- especially when the lines contain no specific meaning.
2) Why put something on the forum that you quite obviously constructed in thirty seconds. People want to read something interesting and fresh. They do not want to trudge through the ramblings of someone with too much time on their hands. You personally need to invest more time in creativity and ask yourself the question- POETRY OR PROSE! |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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I really like this its very well written. I must say. All you have to do is be careful on your punctiouation. Sorry is that is spelled incorrectly. i am not good at spelling LOL.
But I like what the whole poem was about.
SimonCowell Luver |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
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| simple-harmonic-motion wrote: |
RIGHT-
1) You need to decide whether you want to write poetry or prose. Believe it or not there is a difference. Writing a story in verse is pointless- especially when the lines contain no specific meaning.
2) Why put something on the forum that you quite obviously constructed in thirty seconds. People want to read something interesting and fresh. They do not want to trudge through the ramblings of someone with too much time on their hands. You personally need to invest more time in creativity and ask yourself the question- POETRY OR PROSE! |
Constructed in thirty seconds???
Why do you keep yelling insults about things you know nothing about??
I came up with the idea while on a ski lift, and wrote the poem at a hotel. I was thinking about the idea over probably an hour of time, and then edited it in another half hour. Then when I typed it into my computer I edited it some more...
I know the rhythm isn't perfect, but on all three of your reviews you're said that it's not really poetry! You obviously don't take time to think about the rhythm...
I have a question: do you actually write any poetry yourself? Because I used to really talk about problems with rhythm, but now that I started writing poetry I realized that it is extremely hard to come up with a good rhythm without rhyming, and if you're rhyming, it's hard to not have forced rhymes.
If you're just going to post insults to people, and nothing creative or constructive, you might as well not post at all. You tell me that it's rambling and that I need to invest my time in creativity (which I personally don't understand--what isn't creative at all?), but what you're doing is just rambling and YOU aren't spending any time on creative thoughts.
It's best (on an editing site!) to edit, not to try to yell at people. |
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Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook |
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simple-harmonic-motion
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: |
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Yelling? I am not yelling and I am not purposely out to insult the work of other people. i'm simple offering an opinion and "critiquing" work. And if you are unsure of the definition of the word "critique" , I do suggest that you look up the meaning in your dictionary.
I know quite a bit about poetry (for your information)! And in response to your query- yes I do write. For if I didn't it would be hypocritical of me to critique the work of other people! |
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chocolatechipmuffin
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 1:53 am Post subject: |
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Ouch. Put the claws away. All of you.
Wozzel, it could use some editing, but that's easily done.
The Grammar Nazi within me begs for a pronoun at line two (lady WHO sits), but I accept that you left it out for the rhythm, your p[ersonal style, blablabla. Add it in if you'd like.
I love that you included the type of ham it is - lovely mundane detail. However, I must say I've never heard of Cherryfield hams, and I'm to lazy to Google it. So, being from dwon South (North Carolina is the second largest pork producer in the WORLD, by the way), I'd like to recommend SMITHFIELD, which is a recognizable name in the states adjacent to me. If Cherryfield is well known where you live, or you just like it, go for it.
More later - must go eat dinner (which happens to be pork, lol.)
I love the poem overall; the theme is gorgeous. More specifics to come. |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 3:23 am Post subject: |
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Actually "Cherryfield" is a name I came up with.
By the way, ccm...
remember me??
'Tis Gud, from NaNo!!
Lol...
Anyways, thanks for the crit! |
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Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 4:56 am Post subject: |
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| simple-harmonic-motion wrote: |
Yelling? I am not yelling and I am not purposely out to insult the work of other people. i'm simple offering an opinion and "critiquing" work. And if you are unsure of the definition of the word "critique" , I do suggest that you look up the meaning in your dictionary.
I know quite a bit about poetry (for your information)! And in response to your query- yes I do write. For if I didn't it would be hypocritical of me to critique the work of other people! |
Okay, okay, sorry for getting mad at you. I just don't agree with some of the things that you said... |
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Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook |
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think that you needed the bit in italics, the "why did my parents leave me here like this." It was telling, not showing, and redundant. Otherwise I liked this. It told a good, original story, although I must agree with harmonic motion in that you didn't really utilize that benefits that come when writing a poem. Personally, I would rhyme something like this, but that's me. I know, who am I to say what's poetic, but whatever is, is needed in this work.
Also,
| simple-harmonic-motion wrote: |
1) You need to decide whether you want to write poetry or prose. Believe it or not there is a difference. Writing a story in verse is pointless- especially when the lines contain no specific meaning.
2) Why put something on the forum that you quite obviously constructed in thirty seconds. People want to read something interesting and fresh. They do not want to trudge through the ramblings of someone with too much time on their hands. You personally need to invest more time in creativity and ask yourself the question- POETRY OR PROSE! |
What if your teachers in school talked to you like this every time you made a mistake? You do have a point, but it's perfectly acceptable to tell a story in verse. Stop feeling so important. |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it. It is a little choppy, but it works. Any longer and it might have gotten irritating, but you kept it right at the length to tell the story. And the story was great. A big thumbs up to ya... 
And for my two cents:
In Web etiquette, all caps is considered shouting, which is rude. The fact that you added an exclamation point after the all caps furthers the impression that you were yelling. I don't blame Wozzell for having the impression that you were yelling. Also, your method was toeing the line on thinly veiled insults. The fact that in your reply you suggested that Wozzell doesn't know the meaning of the word 'critique' is a rather harsh put-down. And to denounce something as being written in thirty seconds when you really don't know that because you didn't watch the author write it is an arrogant, rude assumption.
Also, I don't know what you are talking about in not telling a story in verse. Pick up a book of classic poetry (we're talking Tennyson, Frost and the like) and you will see that all of the poems tell some sort of story. Please don't make ridiculous comments like that.
Anyway, I really liked the poem. The title at first threw me off, because I was wondering what possible good could come out of a crime, but then I read through it and you made perfect sense. Congrats on a great piece of work...
~GryphonFledgling |
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1dering at stars
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: |
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The title, because it was interesting and I had to read it twice before it really registered, caught my attention at once.
I agree that you should take the italics off the part where the little boy is thinking, or better yet, take the whole line out. It feels a little unnecessary because we kind of get a picture that he is homeless already, so it gets repetitive and takes you away from the actual story.
And yes, as some have already argued, it is perfectly fine to have poetry that tells a story. I rather like it myself and can think of at least ten brilliant poets of the top of my head whose poems tell stories, and where the main point is to tell the story.
Well, anyways, I think you did a great job; I love the part where the little boy trips and you think he got shot but at the end he gets up and you realize that he just tripped. Especially since you did it subtly. ( Actually, come to think of it, I'm not quite sure if you meant that at all; it could just be me ) but whatever it was, I liked it. So once again: |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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| 1dering at stars wrote: |
| I love the part where the little boy trips and you think he got shot but at the end he gets up and you realize that he just tripped. Especially since you did it subtly. ( Actually, come to think of it, I'm not quite sure if you meant that at all; it could just be me ) but whatever it was, I liked it. |
Don't worry, I did do that on purpose.
Gryph, thanks for the backup... |
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Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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It was a very catchy poem indeed. Although there are some puncuation errors that made it some what difficult to follow along it had a good basic theme. I knew what was going on and any person could figure it out. I very much liked it.
Keep Writing |
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Aet Lindling
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| Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 5:51 am Post subject: |
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Tempted as I am to chew out the n00b first, I'll review beforehand. 
This was good. I thought the rhythm was a bit off, but I really liked the story.
"And he growls
At her pretty face,
Which is white from terror,"
I think the "which is white from terror" bit isn't needed, and the first two lines should be one line.
"For food,
Or for money
So that he can eat."
Same thing, get rid of the last line and merge the first two.
"A police arrives"
Eh? Make this "The police arrive" or "A policeman arrives". I'd be inclined towards "The police arrive".
So... that's it, pretty much. Aaanyway... *licks lips and grins*
| simple-harmonic-motion wrote: |
RIGHT-
1) You need to decide whether you want to write poetry or prose. Believe it or not there is a difference. Writing a story in verse is pointless- especially when the lines contain no specific meaning.
2) Why put something on the forum that you quite obviously constructed in thirty seconds. People want to read something interesting and fresh. They do not want to trudge through the ramblings of someone with too much time on their hands. You personally need to invest more time in creativity and ask yourself the question- POETRY OR PROSE! |
Lawlz! Just... seriously, gal, lawlz.
1) Writing a story in verse is pointless? Gee, I think, say, John Milton, writer of Paradise Lost, would beg to differ, or, maybe, Edgar Allen Poe? Don't stupidly dig holes for yourself in the future.
2) Um. In a nutshell, this is all bull, but to elaborate... It had a lot of thought clearly put into it, and you say "thirty seconds"? I found it very fresh and interesting, and who are you to speak of creativity? Poetry or prose? How about both, a combination that's worked marvelously for several literary genii. Honestly. And quit the immature yelling.
| simple-harmonic-motion wrote: |
Yelling? I am not yelling and I am not purposely out to insult the work of other people. i'm simple offering an opinion and "critiquing" work. And if you are unsure of the definition of the word "critique" , I do suggest that you look up the meaning in your dictionary.
I know quite a bit about poetry (for your information)! And in response to your query- yes I do write. For if I didn't it would be hypocritical of me to critique the work of other people! |
LAWLZ, my girl. Yes, you are yelling. Yes, you clearly are out to insult the work of other people. And I know the definition of the word critique. It isn't what you're doing.
And this second paragraph... Oh, for all that is Noodly. If I had a nickel for every time a n00b said unfounded facts to prove themselves I'd be writing this from my gold-plated iPhone in my private jet. And if you do write, then let's see some, shall we? I just checked your portfolio: there ain't nothin' there, dearie...
And on a side note, are you possibly under the idiotic, stupid, moronic notion that poems have to rhyme?
Anyway, to sum it up... Wozzell: Good job, I liked it. A bit rough, but overall enjoyable. simple-harmonic-motion: Alas, just another wannabe Brad. |
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