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Poison Love- Chapter 5
Poison Love- Chapter 5

by Night Mistress in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on February 13, 2008
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 7:31 pm    Post subject: EverWayward #9 Reply with quote

Chapter Four:

A Distant Yonder <- tbc

The sparkling water, cast upon the morning grass began to gleam a flamboyant orange, as a mighty golden dawn broke from a far horizon. A new day awoke in the lands. A new era arose. Sunrise is a very sentimental time to a lost heart, especially when it is lost in itself. The waves of fog embraced under the glowing sunlight, with flickering lights shining from the damp leaves. In the distance, two men of a distant time echoed desire under the airy sky, longing for a just freedom.

The fire had withered away to a mere spark, but Aedomir cared not to rekindle it. He would not stay for long. He could be anywhere in the world as far as he knew. He walked over to Seridon, who sat on a ledge by the fire wide awake, gazing into the amber yonder, which shone down from the sun upon the glistening morning dew. The trailing golden hair from Seridon’s head whistled in the cool breeze. “How I long for freedom!” Seridon cried, sensing Aedomir’s silent arrival. Clouds overhead melted into the sunlight, and how Aedomir yearned to sprout wings and fly alongside them he could not describe.

“Yes,” Aedomir muttered. “A taste of it would be magnificent. Although, I do not know what you wish to be free of yet.”

“You will learn, fear not my friend!” Seridon turned to Aedomir, who looked about them admirably. The Guardian had sent him to a realm of wonder indeed. To the south, he saw a small river, running into a moist-clad group of lone trees. Their leaves floated under the sunrays and mirrored them so brilliantly, that Aedomir gasped in awe. Other than that, hills and burrows were the only likely landmark about. Even Aedomir’s keen eyes could not see past the far horizon, hindered by a great veil of mist.

Freshness floated earnestly though the early air, whipping through Seridon’s hair. He took a deep breath, and paused for a moment before bellowing a deep sigh. He turned and risked his eyes upon Aedomir. “I can help you stay clear of the Kalbarcs; they look for us now. But we have the upper hand. They don’t know where we are.”

Aedomir looked around and nodded. “No, but nor do we,” he grunted.

“Hold on,” Seridon said. He reached for two arrows, and took one in each hand. Raising them shoulder-height, he looked into Aedomir’s puzzled eyes. “I share a connection with my horse,” he explained. “Via Ethina, I am afraid, but nonetheless a great union. Every rider should have one with his steed.” Closing his eyes, he clenched the arrows tightly and rubbed them together with a swift swipe. Sparks burst from where they met, and lit up the basking ground. Aedomir turned and walked around to Seridon. In awe, he gazed at the fire on the ground. It was in the shape of a great horse, and as the flames grew and waved, the horse began to run, faster and faster. “Now watch,” said Seridon. The flames roared and hissed, and Aedomir could feel a vibration shaking his bones. The smoke that wisped from the fire faded away and the leaping flames beneath fused into a thick charcoal.

Without a word of warning, they exploded into puffs of gas, and hooves clashed into Aedomir’s stomach. His body was thrown backwards, and he hit the ground, thumping hard. Smashing his head on the mud floor, he let out a cry of anguish.

“Aedomir! Are you alright? Sorry about that!” Seridon grabbed hold of Aedomir’s hand and heaved him up. Slightly shaken, Aedomir squinted and looked around. He needn’t have searched far, as to front of his weathered face, was a great, magnificent beast.

Its fur, as black as the midnight shadow, and its fiery eyes, redder than an early sunset, glimmered and sparkled gracefully under the lazing light.

“Rothorn is his name,” Seridon said, stroking its back tenderly. “His crimson eyes do not mirror evil, fear not. It is but an Ethinian curse, yet he still follows me, not them.”

“You could have told me he was about to burst through like that…”

“I could have, yes.”

Aedomir studied the horse a little longer, and at length said, “This… connection… describe it to me more.”

^ Random, but it got me out of writers block! bty, there is a reason he called his horse!


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Last edited by Aedomir on Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really enjoyed this chapter. I'm sorry but I can't see anything wrong. *double checks*. One thing you do try be a bit a wordy which may people a bit annoyed. Simple phrases work great too. Don't make it look like you swallowed a dictonary and a theasuaras lmao.

Aedomir wrote:
In awe, he gazed at the fire on the ground. It was in the shape of a great horse, and as the flames grew and waved, the horse began to run, faster and faster. “Now watch,” said Seridon. The flames roared and hissed, and Aedomir could feel a vibration shaking his bones.


The repition of 'flames' bothers me, maybe use the theasuras you swallowed Razz.

Nothing else much it's a good chapter not too action packed. I really prefer Seridon to Aedomir. Seridon seems less annoying and stupid no offence. Anyway look forward to next chapter. Smile

Good luck
VSN

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol! Thanks, I will get to chasing rainbows I really promise! Don't worry. Aedomir is the main character lol, I need to make him a bit more likeable Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This chapter was colder and not as grandiose as your earlier pieces. I see you manage to improve along the way, but this doesn't change the fact we are still missing why we should care about Aedomir at all, its not any thing about 'liking' its relating to the character that you are missing. You present it in a way that we observe, but never figure out what makes him Aedomir.
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey I like it; You're waxing Tolkien and doing it very well at that. When I write fantasy, I do it like that too Razz

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just discovered your crit for Journey's Dawn (I was away at the time), so I thought I should return the favour.

This is a nice piece you have here. I can see that you admire Tolkien through what you write, and while it's good to emulate the writer you admire, Seridon adn his horse reminds me strikingly of Gandalf and Shadowfax. That's not so good, as we do not want to think of them as characters from another book. Let's hope your next few chapters will clear this image. Do so by giving them unique traits. For example, the fire horse thing. If it had been glistenign white liek Shadowfax, I might have been sceptical.

Quote:
I really prefer Seridon to Aedomir. Seridon seems less annoying and stupid no offence.


Holy *bleep*. This is too similar to 'Eragon' to leave it be. I'll help you. Unless you have a good reason, don't have a character who can kick butt, but (XD) cannot realise 1+1=2 (well, you get the gist). People find that they cannot respect a protagonist who seems to have a low intellience (which is why the dumb ones are usually there for comic relief rather than to be the hero).

Anyway, I hope that helps, it's nice to read some high fantasy again after a long time. You haev a good thign growing and you're getting plenty of crits, so you're bound to improve.

Rating: 7/10 (Nice, but a few errors)

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Last edited by Fan on Fri Feb 15, 2008 5:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 11:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thnaks very much!

Aedomir is actually quite clever, he's just very confused because, well, we woke up 1000 years later than when he last remebered.

And the horse thing, don't worry I'll kill Rothorn off XD. Actualy, just after I brought the horse in, I thought... Shadowfax?

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Aedomir! I got your critique finished, so here it is:

Quote:
The sparkling water, cast upon the morning grass, began to gleam a flamboyant orange, [no comma?] as a mighty golden dawn broke from a far horizon.


Wow, I can't type on a school keyboard. Laughing Bear with me.

Quote:
The waves of fog embraced under the glowing sunlight, [no comma] with flickering lights shining from the damp leaves


Quote:
In the distance, two men of a distant time echoed desire under the airy sky, longing for a just freedom.


Repetition. Not sure if that was intentional, but I would suggest changing the latter to previous or different.

Quote:
The fire had withered away to a mere spark, but Aedomir cared not to rekindle it. He would not stay for long.


I apologize that I don't remember very well, but are you against contractions for this story? (i.e. didn't, wouldn't) I know I write stories with that rule of society, but to help with these two sentences, I think contractions would work best. At least in one spot, if not both. In other words, the repitition of not. Wink

Quote:
“You will learn, [period instead] fear not, my friend!” Seridon turned to Aedomir, who looked about them admirably.


I had to read this a few times to figure out you were talking about the clouds. Use the clouds or the sky maybe? That or it's just too early for me to make sense of anything. Laughing

Quote:
Sparks burst from where they met, [no comma][b] and lit up the basking ground.


Quote:
“Hold on,” Seridon said. He reached for two arrows, and took one in each hand. Raising them shoulder-height, he looked into Aedomir’s puzzled eyes. “I share a connection with my horse,” he explained. “Via Ethina, I am afraid, but nonetheless a great union. Every rider should have one with his steed.” Closing his eyes, he clenched the arrows tightly and rubbed them together with a swift swipe. Sparks burst from where they met, and lit up the basking ground. Aedomir turned and walked around to Seridon. In awe, he gazed at the fire on the ground. It was in the shape of a great horse, and as the flames grew and waved, the horse began to run, faster and faster. “Now watch,” said Seridon. The flames roared and hissed, and Aedomir could feel a vibration shaking his bones. The smoke that wisped from the fire faded away and the leaping flames beneath fused into a thick charcoal.


Magnificent job here! I pictured the scene so well, you're description was fantabulous. Very Happy

Quote:
He needn’t have searched far, as to [b]in front of his weathered face, [no comma] was a great, magnificent beast.


Would for work better instead of as?

Quote:
Its fur, as black as the midnight shadow, and its fiery eyes, redder than an early sunset, glimmered and sparkled gracefully under the lazing blazing [?] light.


Does it make sense for a horse to have fur or to have a coat?

Quote:
Actualy, just after I brought the horse in, I thought... Shadowfax?


Oh no! LOL I sure hope you're keeping away from the LotR thang. Wink

I liked this chapter, you described everything so well. It was a great read. I wish I had more to say, but whatever I had to say was already said or up above in my crit. Smile

Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Jabber! I'm so unsure about the horse, its too LotR. Unintenional by the way! Why did Tolkien have to steal all the good ideas lol

Quote:
Quote:

“You will learn, [period instead] fear not, my friend!” Seridon turned to Aedomir, who looked about them admirably.



I had to read this a few times to figure out you were talking about the clouds. Use the clouds or the sky maybe? That or it's just too early for me to make sense of anything.


lol I was actually talking abotu Aedomir and Seridon Very Happy. Boy do I need to change that!

Thanks for your adivce it was great!

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, bud! I really have no clue why I haven't gotten to this sooner... this story is so great!

There is nothing for me to critique here... but I need some general knowledge. XD

Ok, so the last part that I have critiqued was when Serion and Aedormir were talking about him being Immortal... is this the next part? Because if not, I'm really lost...

You said that you added a chapter or two inbetween some... and now I'm all confuzzled... ook... now for THIS portion of goodliness!

*

Excellent. You writing is so genuine and fun to read. It can let our imaginations take flight and it takes us on a wild ride. Your descriptions are so vivid and great... I just dont' know what to critique...

Sorry for the jumbled and mixed up critique! PM me with what I need help with up there!

BBB

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked this part. I think that it's one of the best chapters yet. No edits! I don't have much time--basically none at all--and I'm planning on posting a good critique on part 10. But I really liked this, even if I have yet to know what the meaning of the horse was.

(I'll try to edit this into a good critique once I have time--also, I liked the map in 8, very helpful, maps are.)

Also, sorry that it took me so long to get here, it took me a little while to find the time to read the first 35 pages that are on Advanced Crits. Razz (I read them, but I won't have time to edit those parts yet.)

Great job, again!!!

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