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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject: EverWayward #6 |
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Chapter Two Part II
Seridon notched an arrow, and sent it hurdling towards the Kalbarc with a twang. The beast stumbled to the ground, and with a clamber tried to reach for his sword. With a second shot, another arrow whistled through air and hit the Kalbarc in the back of the head. Tharituer—as history knew him as—landed on top of the body and rolled across the ground puffing a cloud of smoke in his wake. Seridon bent down to take a close look at him. His eyes had gone a brilliant white and the trailing greasy hair laid smelt with blood. A spark of fortune shone out; he still lived.
Pleased, he knelt down and sheathed his bow. Gingerly, he leant forward and prepared to lift Tharituer. As Seridon’s hands touched him, he cried in pain. He body started to whine and then he froze. His back arched up and his eyes burst open. An immense stream of blue light shone out and threw Seridon back against the wall of the room, blinding him with crumbled brick and dust. The majesty of the beams hit the ceiling and black dust slowly drifted around the room. The room shimmered back down to the weak flames that fluttered from the wall-mounted torches.
The man began to moan and wail. His head turned side to side across the ground and the grubby face stirred with a yowl. The sweat that dribbled down his head gently mirrored the light. When he winced up and saw Seridon leaning against the wall, he staggered back and grabbed the dead Kalbarc’s sword. His panting splutters were audible from the other end of the room. “Who… who are you?” He carped.
Seridon stared in awe for a few moments before responding. “My name is Seridon, head of the Elven guard.” He bowed and forced a weak smile. “It is an honour to meet you, Tharituer.”
Aedomir looked the elf up and down. “Tharituer? I am Aedomir Fortongue!” The elf dropped his face in shock. He had very clean and well-groomed attire. His head dangled black flaxen hair down his towering body.
Seridon paced over to Aedomir slowly, narrowing his eyes. “Good lord! I—” His voice was cut off by a stampede of heavy feet. Aedomir froze and saw his skin turning pallid. The mass of weight above the ceiling sent brickwork plunging onto the ground overhead. “Can you walk?” Aedomir hurried up and ran to alcove in the wall. He glared out and ran back in.
“Come on, there’s not much time!” They leapt out of the door and staggered into a narrow passage. Two stairways escalated up. One lit up with luminous orange beams, while the other lay in a blanket of shadow. “Quickly!” They dashed into the darkness and propped their backs up against the crumbling stairway. They saw a group of around fifty Kalbarcs scurry into the room, followed by a tall marauder. The Kalbarcs whined at the sight that greeted them while the latter roared into the air. Seridon gasped and his body began to tremble. A beast turned and glared at them. “Oh no.”
They spun on the spot and hastened their ascent up the stairs. “We can’t take them all out,” He panted. “Let’s get out quickly!”
Aedomir whipped his head round and stared forward. “You lead the way. But I think we should hurry up.” They passed the final step and leapt around the corner.
Seridon looked startled. He quickened his pace and froze at a three-way ending. “How the hell should I know?”
Aedomir turned on the spot and shot a sharp glance down a corridor. “Let’s go this way!” They swept around and charged down the right hand passage. The sheet of jet black shadow that enveloped the way offered a good hideout for them. After a few seconds they glanced back at the crossing. The marauder stood between the three. He slowly turned his head around and sniffed violently. Then, he looked down the opposite passage and roared at it. The entire swarm of Kalbarcs scurried around the corner out of site. “When you think they’re thick… So incredibly thick…” Aedomir thought he saw Seridon smile, but in such light lacking conditions any emotion could have strung its way onto his face.
A light flickered before Aedomir’s eyes. He gasped in horror and fell to the ground.
“Aedomir!” Seridon whispered. “Aedomir, are you OK?” He looked around through the darkness. He couldn’t see anything but something screeched aloud. “Aedomir!”
Aedomir on the floor, head in hands, had an already fully conscious mind. But he couldn’t stop his fright from peeking. He knew the way out. He feared the way out. He feared because he knew. How did he know? He knew how. A shuddering tremble overtook him. Under his breath he muttered thanks to the shade for hiding his fear from Seridon. He stood up and faced the darkness. “I know the way out,” he said, and moved closer to what he thought lay the free world.
#
In due course, they reached the final chamber, desolate with emptiness and age. Seridon kept quiet, neither had spoken a word of the events prior. Across the end of the room, the wall—festooned with cracks and mucus—bore a thick wooden door. All this could be seen by the slits of light that beamed in through the open windows, and luminous chandelier with six burning candles high up on the ceiling.
Each pressing footstep rang a loud echo that strung the decaying walls. As they walked almost identically paced towards the central chandelier, they heard a hiss. They slowed their pace attentively and shot one another a weary glance. A bellowing roar shook the ground, bringing a spray of dust with it. Together, Aedomir and Seridon looked up at the roof. The chandelier.
It got bigger and bigger, faster and faster. Aedomir threw himself to the left and Seridon sent himself cascading to the right. The chandelier smashed into the ground and shattered to pieces. Shrapnel span towards Aedomir and he flipped his head back in self-preservation. A piece sliced past over his head. Seridon was not so fortunate. Whilst he scrambled to stand back up, a burning wooden splinter ripped through his cape and slashed his arm. He cried as the burning poison flamed his skin. He fell down and started to fumble with his sleeve.
Aedomir looked round and caught a glimpse of the passage they had come from. A major host of Kalbarcs piled out towards Aedomir and Seridon. The latter of these two quickly realised that these ravaging swarms would be the least of their worries. Seridon glared round to the roof. Tearing through the ceiling was a great, fiery-scaled dragon. |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
Last edited by Aedomir on Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:23 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 27 Dec 2006 Posts: 1219 Reviews: 462
603 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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Aedmir,
Sadly enough, I am guilty. I didn’t read anything of yours before, though obviously this is a continuation. However, since I feel this strange need to critique - and as it comes rarely these days it is better to take advantage of the feeling - and you’re piece just popped out of nowhere, be it. XD
So, let us continue.
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Tharituer—as history knew him as—landed on top of the body and rolled across the ground puffing a cloud of smoke in his wake.
That part inside the ‘-’ (is that a hyphen? Lol). I would alter it somehow, rephrase it. It is not just the repeating of ‘as’ - as it is now, I think it would be better of with commas.
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He body started to whine and then he froze.
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When he winced up and saw Seridon leaning against the wall,
Wince up?
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Who… who are you?” He carped.
Few things here. Firstly, punctuation. The ‘He’ should not be capitalized. Second, I had to look ‘carped’ up. *Blushes* What the dictionary tells me is that it mean ‘complain’. So, he ‘complained?’
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“We can’t take them all out,” He panted.
Minors. Again, punctuation. If there is a comma before the quote, and if after the quote its something like: he said, she complained, he did sthing, she did sthing, or he/she screamed (that is for question marks and exclamation point, too), then minors.
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As they walked almost identically paced towards the central chandelier, they heard a hiss.
Unconnected with grammar, spelling, and all that is boring.
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Seridon notched an arrow, and sent it hurdling towards the Kalbarc with a twang.
The ‘twang’ in italics. I suppose its different for different people, but I for one would not write it in italics. However, it’s a personal opinion on the subject, and, of course, it is awesome enough as it is. ^^
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Pleased, he knelt down and sheathed his bow. Gingerly, he leant forward and prepared to lift Tharituer.
Yes, well, I am starting to be nitpicky an all. Meaning, I like you’re writing, and in my opinion you are a very good writer yourself ^^ So I grab hold of blades, yes? Sentence structure up there. The exact same in both of those. Its okay, it really is, but it wouldn’t hurt to change the structure of one of those.
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The elf dropped his face in shock.
I was expecting better than that! Its as if you drew a writing map of some kind and said to yourself that yes, his face shall ‘drop with shock’ (can your face drop with shock, by the way?) and then forgot to et back to it. What I want is you to expand this.
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“Aedomir, are you OK?” OK? Why OK? That just kind of ruins the whole atmosphere of the story… Use more proper vocabulary (lol!)
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He knew the way out. He feared the way out. He feared because he knew. How did he know? He knew how.
Interesting in a very positive way.
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Seridon kept quiet, neither had spoken a word of the events prior
Unclear sentence alert. As it is, instead of a comma I would see a semicolon. However, as there was that starry space separating time and event in the story, it can be unclear of who exactly the author had in mind. It is explained later on, but a really log later on.
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span towards Aedomir and he flipped his head back in self-preservation.
Who exactly?
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A piece sliced past over his head.Another unclear sentence. I know this relates to the chandlier, but it could be made clearer. Also, ‘piece’ had already been used.
Also, something that shall not be quoted. Your second paragraph - it is not clear who is who, with all the ‘he’s’, at least to me. But, on the other hand, I am very sleepy indeed.
Okay, well, that is the end of my critique. I think I shall skim through the previous parts (xD) just to have a general reckoning of what I just critted, haha. Anyway. This particular piece was, in my opinion, very well written. It was interesting, and grabbed my attention. There are few thing I would change (except the part about adding a tad bit more emotion and expanding some parts).
Thanks for posting,
Cheers,
Esme |
_________________ "I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 733 Reviews: 234 Country: Limbo... 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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Esme did a good job of editing, and I don't have time for a long edit.... I must say though: your wording at the very start confused me (although i figured it out later), and when Seridon and Aedomir (awesome names, by the way) were talking, it was hard to tell who was saying what. This was the most confusing of your parts, but it was good.... Your plot is fast, but not too fast, as your story is still good, and understandable. You've got a great story going here, and although I did like chapter one better... it's really great. I seriously can't wait to read more. This is one of the best-written stories on here, I think...(although this part was a lot messier). Although, as I said before, some types of wording that make sense to you might not make sense to me, because of the British/American thing.
Just keep writing, because your story is really good, and I will definitely keep reading!
Teh Wozzinator |
_________________ Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
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Jared
because bears do it better Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 1565 Reviews: 585 Country: USA 1123 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:52 am Post subject: |
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Heylo, again! Sorry it took so long to get on! I was expecting this crit to take a while, but no. Esme caught everything...
So...
This chapter confused me like no other. I couldn't understand what was going on. Suddenly an elf named Seridon shows up and meets Aedomir. That I understood. Then they started running and I got lost.
Slow down. That's the only crit I have today. Slow down.
Every single chapter they are in constant peril. Slow down. Give us time to get to know Aedomir more. I would love to know more about his history.
So, slow down. Give us some info about the characters. They don't always have to be running around, killing Kalbarcs.
sorry if I was a bit harsh. Don't take it personally. I would just like to read a part or two where they aren't in constant danger.
BBB |
_________________ If you're a Mormon writer who wants to get to know other people like yourself, or if you're someone who wants to learn more about our church, join The Mormon Club.
"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!" - Fiddler on the Roof |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 11:52 am Post subject: |
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Hi!
As always, I am grateful for your reviews.
One things definatley shines out:
Messiness...
I think maybe its the constant battles I have going on. If you think about it, its around two chapters of solid fighting I suppose (apart fom the cave bit). So ye, the next scene will be Seridon and Aedomir talking in an underground passage trying to esacpe, with not a drop of blood to be shed! Promise! I have been waiting to introduce another long term character so that I can get all the history out through them.
OOO! Now I need to work out what the history is... lol |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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JabberHut
The One and Only! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 944 Reviews: 452 Country: Whats you wants? My blood? Gets yer own! 733 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: |
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I never got to this?? Oh, man, I'm sooo sorry!
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The beast stumbled to the ground, and, with a clamber, tried to reached for his sword. |
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| With a second shot, another arrow whistled through the air and hit the Kalbarc in the back of the head. |
| Quote: |
Tharituer—as history knew him as—landed on top of the body and rolled across the ground, puffing a cloud of smoke in his wake. |
Probably replace the dashes with commas. It will work just as well.
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| His eyes had gone a brilliant white, and the trailing greasy hair laid smelt with blood. A spark of fortune shone out; he still lived. |
| Quote: |
Pleased, he knelt down and sheathed his bow. Gingerly, he leant leaned forward and prepared to lift Tharituer. |
I don't think you sheathe bows. You hang it around your should or put it in a tube strapped to his back, sometimes made of animal skins.
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He His body started to whine and then he froze. |
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| The room shimmered back down to the weak flames that fluttered from the wall-mounted torches. |
...torches mounted along the walls. Maybe?
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| His head turned side to side across upon [?] the ground and the grubby face stirred with a yowl. |
| Quote: |
| . The sweat that dribbled down his head gently mirrored the torchlight. |
| Quote: |
| “Who… who are you?” He carped. |
He panted? Wheezed?
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| He had a very clean and well-groomed attire. |
| Quote: |
The mass of weight above the ceiling sent brickwork plunging onto the ground overhead. “Can you walk?” Aedomir hurried up and ran to the alcove in the wall. |
| Quote: |
| They spun on the spot and hastened their ascent up the stairs. “We can’t take them all out,” He panted. “Let’s get out quickly!” |
Who exactly? I'm kind of lost among the dialogue right now.
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| Aedomir whipped his head round and stared forward. |
This is a bit awkward sounding. Looked down the hall?
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| “You lead the way. [comma instead] But I think we should hurry up.” |
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| “How the hell should I know?” |
Doesn't sound like something an elf would say, but they're your elves. I just think it would be 'human filth' for an elf.
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| Aedomir turned on the spot and shot a sharp glance down a corridor. “Let’s go this way!” |
Why? Was it instinct? Does he always go by his gut-feeling, or is this a new concept?
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| The sheet of jet black shadow that enveloped the way offered a good hideout for them. |
A sheet of jet black shadow enveloped them, providing a temporary hideout.
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| After a few seconds, they glanced back at the crossing. |
| Quote: |
Then, he looked down the opposite passage and roared at it. |
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Aedomir thought he saw Seridon smile, but in such light lacking conditions dim lighting, any emotion could have strung its way onto his face. |
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| He gasped in horror and fell to the ground. |
Why? Was it that voice in his head in a later paragraph? Did his head throb? Did someone stab him? Did he die?
| Quote: |
| He couldn’t see anything, but something screeched aloud. “Aedomir!” |
| Quote: |
| Aedomir on the floor, head in hands, had an already fully conscious mind. [comma instead] But he couldn’t stop his fright from peeking. |
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He knew how. A shuddering tremble overtook him. |
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| Under his breath, he muttered thanks to the shade for hiding his fear from Seridon. |
Do I know this Shade? Or am I supposed to be confused there?
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| Seridon kept quiet, [dash instead] neither had spoken a word of the events prior. |
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| . Across the end of the room, the wall—festooned with cracks and mucus—bore a thick wooden door. |
Replace dashes with commas
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As they walked almost identically paced towards the central chandelier, they heard a hiss. |
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It got grew bigger and bigger, faster and faster. |
I gotta go eat, but good job! I liked this still. I'll read the next part after lunch.
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________ "I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
CIA -- Join today!
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks jabber! I hate to think how long that must have taken! They wer all very notable suggestions though, many which I should have seen before.
Thanks again!
Oh and bty, when you said about the shade, I meant as in darkness shade... |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 3825 Reviews: 647 Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:00 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, too fast. I agree with Jared. Way too fast. I was like thinking hmm a change from Aedomir. I'm getting bored of him. Right now I just feel he's incrediably unlucky some weird power and something. That harsh, I know. Also, I'm getting bored of violence. I honestly am. It's battle peril. *yawns* My preference, maybe.
I've a suggestion for ya, the rangers, give them all names increase size of cave chapter. I want to get to know more people except who ever Aedomir talks to. Or meets, he's bad luck and lucky. I'm rambling and so confused. So just end. Not the best. Though keep on it.
Good luck
VSN |
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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| everyone said that her, and I agree. In fact, I got bored of him and stuck a chapter in between 1 and 2, its about Seridon. Its in my signature... |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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Artecila
Junior Writer


Age: 14 Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 26 Reviews: 21
300 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
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| I'm with Vernon on this one again. Even Beowulf had a lull in the battle, but the numbers just keep on growing of Kelbarcs, so much so that we are losing any meaning on why they must run and why we are losing precious time figuring out what is going on with the story. After your last bit of DEM only to see they are running from fifty, have elves appear... its all dramatic, but we need some bonding time. |
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JFW1415
Team SPEW Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 07 Jun 2007 Posts: 1253 Reviews: 353 Country: USA 450 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 1:14 am Post subject: |
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One through three in first column, four and five in second.


Extra: Try to read more action filled books. Learn the author's style (read more than one author's works,) and incorprate it in yours. This isn't really how action is written, and I think the only way to learn it is to read it. Constantly.
You are getting better, though, and that's always great. When reading the battles, though, I should be on the edge of my seat, but I keep finding my mind wandering.
~JFW1415 |
_________________ Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 11:59 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks once again! I'll PM you with everytihng else... |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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Zalex
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 48 Reviews: 25
300 Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Amazing, and nice and long! |
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