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By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9

by KJ in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 21, 2008
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 9:50 pm    Post subject: EverWayward #4 Reply with quote

Chapter One Part IV

He broke off at the wood’s border. Carefully, he pushed the bushes aside and stepped in. Nothing could be seen through the pitch black atmosphere… Just a pair of bright, glowing eyes.

They pounced at him but before he could move, instantly pinning to him to ground. To Aedomir, the beast was still completely invisible; sound became his guide. With his right hand he knocked the head up whilst his left reached for the dagger. Foul breath enveloped him and the violence of his pounding heartbeats rapidly rose. He punched a mighty blow as quickly as possible and without a second spared he had leapt to his feet. A sudden soar across the hedges threw Aedomir face down onto rock. He burst a cry of pain and rolled onto his back. Blood gushed out from his nostrils like a river. He reached for his sword. Gone. The he saw a shimmering glint of metal pointing out from the bushes.

The beast leapt through the bushes and pounced to Aedomir. He drew his dagger and blindly sent it cascading through the sparkling moonlight and hit the monster in the head. It skidded to halt in the mud and tumbled towards Aedomir. He gasped and kicked to the left, heaving his body with it. Dust swept over him that upswept in the beast’s wake.

He moved to retrieve his sword from the bush. As his fingers touched the hilt, he felt strength return to him. For a moment he weighed it in his hands, knowing that their few seconds apart nearly killed him. He smiled and sheathed it gently.

The next few minutes were spent salvaging the bloody-gunk dagger and inspecting its host. The creature was the most intriguing animal he had ever seen. Not because of its splendour—on the contrary it merely echoed a stinking Kalbarc beast—but because he had never seen it before in his life. He had exhausted over fifteen years as an outlaw, with a wild deer bearing significance. He knelt down to take a closer look. It looked around a hundred pounds. From its mouth stuck two huge tusks the size of horns and along its back extended a large bushy main. Red eyes shone out from its head that overlapped the front two legs.

He heaved it up over his head. Something flickered past and his sight quickly diverted. He focused his eyes over to his right; a deer. He didn’t much fancy eating such an unusual beast platter anyway. Awkwardly he dropped the animal and hurried after the deer, which had already passed the river. As soon as his feet splashed against the water’s edge, he stopped dead his tracks and turned a pale white. A horn. That’s where the deer had run from.

Kalbarcs.

He turned quickly and ran as fast as he could go down the stream.

The sky. Orange. No moon, just red, cloudy puffs. The men should be alert be now. At least, he hoped so. That was all he could do. The horn raged again. A shivering draft caught his skin; he was running on adrenaline.

With all the hot air whispering from the sky he thought he would be hot, but cold overcame him. A lot of cold.

The waterfall burst through the mist into view, keep going, keep going…

He snapped his head round. Followers. They leapt across the bank, skidding through Aedomir’s wake. He didn’t care if the ripples were loud enough to call in Malwin himself. He just didn’t care.

The dried blood on his nose only added to his panic. His neck twisted violently to see the pursuers closing in. Hundreds were joining the chase. “Argh!” He yelled, feeling stinging water burning his legs. The water surface blazed a mighty red and an aching steam hazed from the water.

Just a few seconds after, his legs seared with more pain than ever before. One… Two… Three! He leapt from the river and threw himself to the waterfall. His hands closed in on the steam. Every split second ached like a lifetime. The burning blood in his veins grew hotter and hotter—

He hit the gush of water, time froze between his eyes. On the surface of the waterfall he saw his own face. It looked tired, weak and aimless. The mirror fused away, but his reflection did not falter. A hand stretched out to Aedomir’s shoulder. The touch neared… A sudden spark of tremendous leaping light told Aedomir one thing: his days were over.


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Last edited by Aedomir on Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:24 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, the very end of that was greatly descriptive. amazing. as usual, very, very, very good. if you finish this, you must take it to a publisher. it's awesome.

nothing else to say that i haven't said before...it's really good, your writing style is awesome, etc.

continue on!

Woz

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome! But, make sure that you only post one chapter a day. It's a rule.

Ok, on to the crit!

Quote:
They pounced at on him but before he could move, instantly pinning to him to ground.


If you use my corrections, this sentence will flow much better.

Quote:
A sudden soar across the hedges threw Aedomir face down onto rock.


What? What is a soar? Soar is a verb, not a noun. Maybe this was a typo?

Quote:
Then he saw a shimmering glint of metal pointing out from the bushes.


Typo!

Quote:
The beast leapt through the bushes and pounced to Aedomir.


You keep using the word 'pounced'. And 'pounced to' doesn't make very much sense. A cat pounces ON something. A cat doesn't pounce TO something. Maybe use the word 'leaped?'

Quote:
The dried blood on his nose only added to his panic.


This sentence was just random. It really had nothing to do with the story. Why would dried blood add to his panic? That's awkward.

No!

Argh!

How could you end here? I mean... did he die? He better not! I was just beginning to like him!

Mark, Mark, Mark...

hurry and write the next part!

your fan,

BBB

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 2:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, told you I'd get to this tonight. Wink Take into account, however, that I am strangely very exhausted. I don't know what happened, but I suddenly went from fantastic to tired in about two minutes. I know, it's crazy.

Anyway!

Quote:
A[??] Foul breath enveloped him and the violence of his pounding heartbeats rapidly rose.


Quote:
He punched a mighty blow as quickly as possible and, without a second spared, he had leapt to his feet.


Quote:
A sudden soar across the hedges threw Aedomir face down onto rock.


You're trying to say something soared from the hedges, correct? We may need to rephrase this so it makes more sense. As 3B said before me, soar is a verb, not a noun...unless it's a British English thing. Lol

Quote:
The beast leapt through the bushes and pounced to Aedomir.


I would change this word since you just used it a few sentences before.

Quote:
He drew his dagger and blindly sent it cascading through the sparkling moonlight, and hitting the monster in the head.


Quote:
It skidded to halt in the mud and tumbled towards Aedomir. He gasped and kicked to the left, heaving his body with it. Dust swept over him that upswept in the beast’s wake.


All the pronouns were confusing me. I got lost if you were talking about the dagger or the beast...The last sentence is also awkward. I'd rewrite the last sentence.

Quote:
Not because of its splendour—on the contrary, it merely echoed a stinking Kalbarc beast—but because he had never seen it before in his life.


Quote:
He heaved it up over his head. Something flickered past and his sight quickly diverted. He focused his eyes over to his right; [use the dash instead] a deer.


Quote:
Awkwardly, he dropped the animal and hurried after the deer, which had already passed the river.


Quote:
As soon as his feet splashed against the water’s edge, he stopped dead in his tracks and turned a pale white.


Quote:
That’s where the deer had run from.


I'm not entirely sure here. When I read it, it sounded weird. Should it be: That's where the deer ran from or That's what the deer ran from or...I dunno, it looks weird. Laughing

Quote:
The sky. Orange. No moon, just red, cloudy puffs.


You're probably going for suspense in this case with the short sentences, but it seems weird to have a different number of words in each sentence...read it aloud, it sounds weird.

Quote:
The men should be alert be by now.


Quote:
With all the hot air whispering from the sky, he thought he would be hot, but cold overcame him. A lot of cold.


Quote:
The waterfall burst through the mist into view, [period] keep going, keep going…


Are those his thoughts? If so, it should be in italics and start its own sentence. Very Happy

Quote:
“Argh!” He [lowercase] yelled, feeling stinging water burning his legs.


Quote:
He hit the gush of water, time froze between his eyes.


Semicolon? Dash?

Quote:
On the surface of the waterfall, he saw his own face. It looked tired, weak, and aimless.


Very Happy

What a cliffhanger...You could make the reader want to kill you. Evil or Very Mad

Lol, kidding. You're an excellent writer, though, you really are. A few grammar suggestions and questionable areas. I learn more and more about the British language as I read British writing. Smile

One thing to keep in mind: don't make your description too random. A few parts, and probably before this (I just never really noticed or thought it important to tell you), you tell us about the sky, it's orange-ness, then suddenly the men should be ready. Or his nose was suddenly bloody. Make sure you tell the reader this stuff. Wink

Otherwise, bravo! Keep writing! (and thanks for the PMs. I need them ^^)

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the crits every1! yet again great reviews.

does the last sentence mean he is dead? or seomthing else...

find out this week...

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well as I'm reading this after next few chapter posted. I know he's alive :p. Boy I'm cruel lmao. Anyway overall a better chapter you're improving but don't get complacent. It was a interesting chapter. Though I could guess it was someone saving him. You could make this part much stronger. He should go under, if he did sorry I didn't notice but he goes under and maybe part of his life should flash before him. Exellent way to build on character. I was confused what the monster looked like and why he was hurrying maybe it's just me. Mind elaborating.

Good luck
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Was a good piece, but the last part was not exactly funny. When you have at least eight more pieces coming up, it is pretty safe to say that he is not going to die. Some of the greatest works of epic fantasy do have the heroes die, but unless it is critical and in mid-story, they would throw themselves to fate rather then face certain death.

Let me drag up an example:

From Rhapsody:
"Fleeing through the labyrinths with the hordes of the living dead
fast upon them
once again they found themselves trapped in front of the abyss.
But with no time to think about black geometry
they leaped into the red river
for any death would have been better than the one waiting for them
created by the hungry creatures of darkness"
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote




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PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm back!!! Whoa this was so intense I really can't wait to read the rest. Well I'll get to to the next part as soon as possible.

P.S. You say it gets bad but all stories aren't bad they are just different. They are like paintings once the story is painted they're painted. You can't fix it unless you have one of those magic erasers that erase paint...I'm sure thats not invented...I'll have to look that up. Well anyways I am so entertained this is great...get it published and keep working on it, it'll get better, trust me.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks again AoD!

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