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Aedomir
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 Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: EverWayward #2 |
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Author's Note This is part two to the first chapter, some of you have read part one and this will not make a lot of sense unless you have. Thanks anyway, feedback would be great!
Chapter One Part II
“Ya!” A familiar cry sent a cold sensation up Aedomir’s spine and goose bumps erupted up his arm. As he turned around, he feared the sight that would greet him would throw him into despair. With a gradual turn, he became oblivious to the world around him and all his senses fell into oblivion. His heart skipped a beat and all that remained was pain.
“Aganost!” In a dire rush, Aedomir clambered through the mob and pushed out into the clearing where Kalbarcs darted past him; apparently blind of him, as he was of them. Aedomir stretched out his arm as far it could go. Leaping now, he folded his arm into an arch and caught Aganost’s head as it tumbled helplessly down. “Aganost…” Tears welled up in his eyes, and he gingerly lowered Aganost’s head into the snow before bounding around and striking the creature. A quick glance was all that Aedomir needed to see that he would be safe from any brutes for the moment.
Aganost’s great emerald eyes withered into darkness. “Please… Don’t go...” Aedomir gave in to a tear and spluttered out a few words in despair. Aganost had a gashing wound on his stomach. In fact there were several; shredding him like a patched quilt. A few long dribbles of blood ran in rhythms down his green-woven overall and melted the ice. His greasy brown hair trailed loosely from his head over the snow, and small flakes sprinkled over his face. The pale skin that dominated his body grew lighter by the second as freezing air chilled his blood.
“Aedomir,” He whispered through dry lips. He gave a husky cough before continuing, “Aedomir, I want you to leave me…”
Aedomir shook his head left and right, defying as bluntly as possible. “No, I’m not leaving you to–”
“Yes, Aedomir. Those brave men will depart you if you don’t leave me. I am a dying man, battle or not… I would rather you surrendered me to Malwin… Such is inevitable now…” He let go of his head, and rested his cheek gingerly on the ice. Aedomir’s voice had abandoned him and trailed away into the air, leaving him immobile. “Go. That’s an order…”
Aedomir reluctantly arose, eyes forever fixed upon his captain who now faded into the realm of demise. “That will not be your last order. I swear it.”
Aganost’s head had now slowly turned to Aedomir. “No. My last order is this: Be careful. I now watch you from the skies…” A weak judder of his head told Aedomir that Aganost, Lord of Truth, was dead.
“Goodbye...” His pink cheeks lit up with searing tears that poisoned his burning skin. With that, his senses awoke and he sombrely turned to combat.
The sun is ready, Aedomir, the Guardian!
He mustered the last of his mental strength and roared “The time is now!” The crowd split apart into two armies; rangers that tumbled down with clasped cloaks hiding them and Kalbarcs who turned to face Aedomir. “Goodbye wickedness!” He swirled on the spot and threw his cloak around him and the body of his master.
Screams of frenzy echoed down the mountainside triggering a seismic eruption and piercing the night. The Kalbarcs would have been crushed by now. A tidal ring of power shot out from behind Aedomir and he knew that in moments, peace awaited… |
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Last edited by Aedomir on Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:25 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 11:36 am Post subject: Re: Path of the Strider: The Immortals |
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First of all, your first chapter is under the name: "Path of the Strider: The Immortal". This is: "Path of the Strider: The Immortals".
| aedomir wrote: |
Chapter One Part II
“Ya!” A familiar cry crept a cold finger sent a cold sensation up Aedomir’s spine and shot goose bumps erupted up his arm. As he turned around, he feared the sight that would greet him would throw him into despair. Such a feeling would wash dread across him like water on rock. The last sentence seems redundant, given the word: despair. But you may keep it if you wish. With a gradual gamble of a turn, A gradual gamble? That's... original. Doesn't really inspire imagery for me, as a gamble gives me the conception of a quick and reckless thing. he became oblivious to the world around him and all his senses fell into oblivion. <-- = Nice. His heart skipped a beat and all that remained was pain.
“Aganost!” In a dire rush, Aedomir clambered through the mob and pushed his body out into the clearing where Kalbarcs darted past him; apparently blind of him, as if he was of them. Aedomir stretched out his arm as far it could go. Leaping now, he folded his arm into an arch and caught Aganost’s head as it tumbled helplessly down. “Aganost…” A tear swelled Tears welled up in his eyes, but he just and he gingerly lowered Aganost’s head into the snow before bounding around and striking the host. Host? A quick glance was all that Aedomir needed to see that he would be safe from any brutes for the moment.
Aganost’s great emerald eyes withered into darkness. “Please… Don’t go...” Aedomir gave in to a tear and spluttered out a few words in despair. Aganost had a gashing wound on his stomach. In fact there were several; shredding him like a patched quilt. What? From the 'caught Aganost's head as it tumbled helplessly down.' Igot the impression Aganost had been decapitated. I would clarify this. A few long dribbles of blood ran in rhythms down his green-woven overall and melted the ice. His greasy brown hair trailed loosely from his head over the snow, and small flakes sprinkled over his face. The pale skin that dominated his body grew lighter by the second as freezing air chilled his blood.
“Aedomir,” He whispered through dry lips. He gave a husky cough before continuing, “Aedomir, I want you to leave me…”
Aedomir shook his head left and right, defying as bluntly as possible. “No, I’m not leaving you to–”
“Yes, Aedomir. Those brave men will depart you if you don’t leave me. I am a dying man, battle or not… I would rather you surrendered me to Malwin… Such is inevitable now…” He let go of his head, and rested his cheek gingerly on the ice. Aedomir’s voice had abandoned him and trailed away into the air, leaving him immobile. “Go. That’s an order…” Very well written.
Aedomir reluctantly arose, eyes forever fixed upon his captain who now faded into the realm of demise. “That will not be your last order. I swear it.”
Aganost’s head slowly turned to Aedomir. “No. My last order is this: Be careful. I now watch you from the skies…” A weak judder of his head told Aedomir that Aganost, Lord of Truth, was dead.
“Goodbye...” His pink cheeks lit up with searing tears that poisoned his burning skin. With that, his senses awoke and he sombrely turned to combat.
The sun is ready, Aedomir, the Guardian!
He mustered the last of his mental strength and roared “The time is now!” The crowd split apart into two armies; rangers that tumbled down with clasped cloaks hiding them and Kalbarcs who turned to face Aedomir. “Goodbye wickedness!” He swirled on the spot and threw his cloak around him and the body of his master.
Screams of frenzy echoed down the mountainside triggering a seismic eruption and piercing the night. The Kalbarcs would have been crushed from the avalanche by now. A tidal ring of power shot out from behind Aedomir and within moments he knew peace awaited... he knew that within moments, peace awaited... |
Impressive writing. |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks a lot for the review, and for the donation! The first one was supposed to be The Immortals but I pressed submit before I noticed it. Oh well, thanks anyway.
Oh and when you said about his head falling down it was supposed to mean that he had been hit and he fell backwards onto the ground, nearly breaking his skull so Aedomir caught him.
Thanks! |
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:38 pm Post subject: Re: Path of the Strider: The Immortals |
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| aedomir wrote: |
Chapter One Part II
“Ya!” A familiar cry sent a cold sensation up Aedomir’s spine and goose bumps erupted up his arm. As he turned around, he feared the sight that would greet him would throw him into despair. With a gradual turn, since he's in battle, wouldn't he want to turn faster, no matter how bad he thought it was?? he became oblivious to the world around him and all his senses fell into oblivion. His heart skipped a beat and all that remained was pain.
“Aganost!” In a dire rush, Aedomir clambered through the mob and pushed out into the clearing where Kalbarcs darted past him; apparently blind of him, as he was of them. Aedomir stretched out his arm as far it could go. Leaping now, he folded his arm into an arch and caught Aganost’s head as it tumbled helplessly down. i think that "tumbled" is the wrong word here--it makes it seem like Aganost's head had been cut off, or something similar “Aganost…” Tears welled up in his eyes, and he gingerly lowered Aganost’s head into the snow before bounding again, bounding is the wrong word--wasn't he just kneeling or crouching down? around and striking the creature. A quick glance was all that Aedomir needed to see that he would be safe from any brutes for the moment. before, the Kalbarcs couldn't see him, so why can they see him now??
Aganost’s great emerald eyes withered into darkness. “Please… since this is the end of a sentence, add an extra period (.... like that) Don’t go...” extra period again Aedomir gave in to a tear and spluttered maybe try a different word than spluttered--it's a bit awkward here out a few words in despair. Aganost had a gashing wound NO! not "gashing wound" try "a gash wound", or even better, just say "a bloody gash" or something similar to that on his stomach. In fact there were several; shredding him like a patched quilt. i liked the patched quilt thing here A few long dribbles try a different word instead of dribbles--maybe drips of blood ran in rhythms down his green-woven overall and melted the ice. His greasy brown hair trailed loosely from his head over the snow, and small flakes sprinkled over his face. The pale skin that dominated his body grew lighter by the second as freezing air chilled his blood.
“Aedomir,” He whispered through dry lips. He gave a husky cough before continuing, “Aedomir, I want you to leave me…” four periods
Aedomir shook his head left and right, defying as bluntly as possible. i liked the last few words of that sentence “No, I’m not leaving you to–”
“Yes, Aedomir. Those brave men this was confusing--what brave men?? will depart you if you don’t leave me. I am a dying man, battle or not… four periods I would rather you surrendered me to Malwin… again. oh, btw...who's Malwin? is that the god, or are there multiple gods, and he's the god of death, or what? Such is inevitable now…” argh!! lol, from now on i won't remind you, since i've made my point He let go of his head, and rested his cheek gingerly on the ice. Aedomir’s voice had abandoned him and trailed away into the air, leaving him immobile. “Go. That’s an order…”
Aedomir reluctantly arose, eyes forever fixed upon his captain who now faded into the realm of demise. “That will not be your last order. I swear it.”
Aganost’s head had now slowly turned to Aedomir. “No. My last order is this: Be careful. I now watch you from the skies…” A weak judder "judder" isn't a word--try shudder of his head told Aedomir that Aganost, Lord of Truth, was dead.
“Goodbye...” His pink cheeks lit up with searing tears that poisoned what do you mean by poisoned? that sounds really awkward his burning skin. With that, his senses awoke and he sombrely somberly turned to combat.
The sun is ready, Aedomir, the Guardian!
He mustered the last of his mental strength and roared “The time is now!” The crowd split apart into two armies; rangers that tumbled down with clasped cloaks hiding them and Kalbarcs who turned to face Aedomir. “Goodbye wickedness!” He swirled on the spot and threw his cloak around him and the body of his master.
Screams of frenzy echoed down the mountainside triggering a seismic eruption and piercing the night. The Kalbarcs would have been crushed by now. A tidal ring tidal ring...sounds cool, but what is it?? of power shot out from behind Aedomir and he knew that in moments, peace awaited… |
here, yet again, you have a great writign style, and i LOVED the ending.
the only thing is though...you didn't really concentrate much--if any--attention to Aganost before you killed him...give him more time and it would be sadder (i understand that it would be much more sad to you, as you are his writer, and know him, but try to let us know him better before you get rid of him)
i think that besides that, the plot's great, just grammar and wording here. continue on--it's a great story. |
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again! ^_^
Oh boy.  I follow two very long critiques...hopefully I won't repeat anything. 
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| As he turned around, he feared the sight that would greet him would throw him into despair. With a gradual turn, he became oblivious to the world around him and all his senses fell into oblivion. |
You repeated 'turn' twice. I don't know if that was intentional, but it was a bit irritating. ^^
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| His heart skipped a beat, and all that remained was pain. |
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| “Aganost!” In a dire rush, Aedomir clambered through the mob and pushed out into the clearing where Kalbarcs darted past him; apparently blind of him, as he was of them. |
Do you use Microsoft Word? If not, ignore this comment.  In place of that semicolon, you could use one of those big dashes that books use. Like so:
“Aganost!” In a dire rush, Aedomir clambered through the mob and pushed out into the clearing where Kalbarcs darted past him—apparently blind of him, as he was of them.
To do so, re-type the sentence, but in place of the semi, use two dashes. -- Word should automatically turn it into a big one like I made. If it doesn't, let me know through PM. You can adjust the settings.
Of course, you need MS Word. If you don't, double dashes are still good to use and easier to read.
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A quick glance was all that Aedomir needed to see that he would be safe from any brutes for the moment. |
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Aganost’s great emerald eyes withered into darkness. “Please… Don’t don't go...” Aedomir gave in to a tear and spluttered out a few words in despair. |
I know that Sir Wozzell pointed this out about the triple dots. However, I'd like to put in that four dots is one too many. It gets irritatingly long to have four dots, in my opinion. Three dots is fine. 
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| In fact, there were several; [replace with comma] shredding him like a patched quilt. |
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| A few long dribbles of blood ran in rhythms down his green-woven overall and melted the ice. |
Maybe rivers of blood flowed down his skin?
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| “Aedomir,” He whispered through dry lips. He gave a husky cough before continuing, [period] “Aedomir, I want you to leave me…” |
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| A weak judder of his head told Aedomir that Aganost, Lord of Truth, was dead. |
Lol, learn a new word every day! I had to look it up,  but it fits the sentence. Bravo on such a wide vocabulary!
| Quote: |
| The sun is ready, Aedomir, the Guardian! |
I think I mentioned this before, not sure. I'd delete the comma after "Aedomir" because all three words are his title. Aedomir the Guardian like Ivan the Terrible or whatever his name was, lol.
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| He mustered the last of his mental strength and roared, “The time is now!” |
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| The crowd split apart into two armies; rangers that tumbled down with clasped cloaks hiding them and Kalbarcs who turned to face Aedomir. |
Here's another semi that can be replaced by the double dashes I mentioned earlier.
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| “Goodbye, wickedness!” He swirled on the spot, and threw his cloak around him and the body of his master. |
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| Screams of frenzy echoed down the mountainside, triggering a seismic eruption and piercing the night. |
Again, bravo! You're a very good writer! Not much else to state. Your description is well (yet again) and...I'd just be repeating what I said earlier. Good job!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
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Shucks.
I couldn't find a single stupid thing wrong with this. Grammar wise. Grr... your writing is so incredible to read. It's fun and super awesome. Your descriptions are so vivid that... I... just am speechless.
You are sure the best Fantasy writer on YWS. Not that I've read a lot, but for those that I have read, you are the best.
Ok... um... what should I say?
| Quote: |
| A weak judder of his head told Aedomir that Aganost, Lord of Truth, was dead. |
judder isn't really a word, but it's perfect for this sentence, just like Jabber said. XD Awesome word choice.
Aedomir... Aganost... Aganost... Aedomir...
Gosh! So many 'A' names. I hope that you will go into more detail about who they are. Right now I'm guessing that Aedomir (awesome name by the way) is the MC.
Like whoever said it up there, I don't really feel for Aedomir. Aganost (his friend?) died, and we don't have a emotional connection with Aedomir yet, so we don't feel for him. You as the writer might, and that is good. That means that your characters are developed: the most important thing while writing.
So:
All in all, this was terrific. So far, this is the best Fantasy story posted yet. I cannot wait to read more! PM me when you post!!!!
BBB |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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You are all so kind!! Thank you everyone!!
Just a couple of things, sir wozzel, sombrely is the uk spelling, somberly is the american.
The Guardian isn't Aedomir's title (it would be cool though!!) so that's why I put a comma...
Thanks to everyone! I'll proff read my chapter to your thoughts and post #3 in a few minutes... then I've got 2 do my maths coursework... ah!!! |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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| This was insanely good aedomir! But there was one mistake that the others haven't written about yet and that is you need a space between the 6th and 7th t last paragraph. Other than that and what everyone esle has already written, it was superlative! |
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 6:04 am Post subject: |
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By the way, for the information of some fine reviewers, judder -is- a word.
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judder [júddər]
intransitive verb (3rd person present singular judders, present participle juddering, past and past participle juddered)
shake violently: to shake or vibrate violently and rapidly, or to move while shaking
The car juddered along for a few more yards.
noun
violent shaking: a violent, rapid vibration or shaking motion
[Mid-20th century. An imitation of the sound]
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, dude, you know you have a good story when your first chapter compells the crap out of people. Poor aedomir :[ |
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 3:50 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this, the language was good and i cant wait to read the rest of the chapter. now for the critism, your description and use of words was good, but you put them in a couple of sentances that didnt make sense, e.g
within moments he knew peace awaited... should be something like... he knew that within moments, peace awaited... |
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| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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Well better, but now I feel this is getting cliche. I'm still enjoying it, but suddenly he releases this overwhelming power why not before why now? You can put something in like as it deus ex machina, meaning put in for conveniet. It's not a good habit too get into  . Also I agree with the others about death. You could so make this more poignant. Think of Boromir death and Haladir the elf dude in LOTRs. Heh very tragic. I understand it's hard during chapter 2. I've got someone dying in chapter two, it's not easy. I tried my best to make it more tragic.
Good Luck
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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So not as good as the first one.  Oh well, hopefully there will be more of a eye capture in the next one.
Or else... 
ST |
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| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:16 pm Post subject: |
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There was the emotion I was wanting back in the first installment! Alright, good job, good job. Though... this hidden power, its not like a berserker rage or anything I am familiar with. So it confused me again, he has not exchanged his sanity for power, but just became more powerful. Like a DBZ character.
Also.. Tidal ring of power... What? |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 12:05 pm Post subject: |
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Again, again. Thanks for the review, but chapter one is getting deleted and I will get rid of all the old 'Deus ex Machina'. Trust me...
Thanks! |
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