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OverEasy
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 Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: Possession |
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Hmm what to say about this one... I wrote it after a long conversation with my ex. Funny how something that happened three years ago can still affect you. Anyways enjoy, critique, etc.
I taste blood.
That fist that met my cheek,
was it really his?
It couldn’t have been…
strong hands grasp tender flesh.
No! He won’t.
He can’t.
He does.
“Why?” I beg.
That phrase he utters,
“you’re mine.”
I am an object now,
a thing to be dominated.
The pain comes,
laces through my heart.
“What happened to love?”
I cry.
He glares.
“This is love.” |
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Last edited by OverEasy on Wed Feb 13, 2008 5:02 am; edited 3 times in total |
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wraithfound
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:31 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this is haunting, it's very good, you had my heart beating twice as fast by the time I reached the end.
No! He won’t.
He can’t.
He does.
I love how you shortened the phrases here, it drew more emphasise (can't spell sorry) to them and how they build up the tension for the reader:)
Awesome job:) |
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Liz
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:48 am Post subject: |
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Good content, but I felt like it was incomplete. It was flimsy in the sense that I felt like it could have been great, but it was executed in a bit of a - well, dull way.
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It couldn’t have been…
strong hands grasp tender flesh. |
That was awkward and didn't flow at all.
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No! He won’t.
He can’t.
He does. |
Nice. You managed to capture back some rhythm here.
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That phrase he utters,
“you’re mine.”
Possession. |
This is telling us exactly what's going on. I want to be shown. Don't put a label on it (possession). Your title's done that. Really describe, make us feel what you mean by possession, don't just label it for us.
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“What happened to love?”
I cry.
He glares at me.
“This is love.” |
This reads like a narrative. It's just dialogue out of a story. Dialouge by itself without the "I cry"/ "He glares" would be fine. I like your last line, it brings out character in a less obvious form. Try and extend this to the rest of your poem. |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:34 am Post subject: |
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Wow I liked this! You managed to make a stroy into a poem! Very creepy!
'No! He won’t.
He can’t.
He does.'
OOOO! I liked this bit! This is may favourite, I like reptition! I can't review poems to save my life, but I'd just like to say I think you are very good, and well worthy of merit!
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~ |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you so much for the reviews guys! You have no idea how much they mean to me. I did a little editing, and I think it works better now. Tell me what you think! |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again!
Great hook! ^^
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That fist that met my cheek, [dash instead]
was it really his? |
Underlined-- Repetition. It's a bit annoying in this case, and I hope you see what I mean. Maybe/Possibly change the first that to the.
Bolded-- The comma shouldn't be used to separate sentences like this. A dash is very affective [get those mixed up  ] in this case. A semi may work too, though. ^^
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It couldn’t have been…
strong hands grasp tender flesh. |
Do the ellipses tie into the next line? Like: It couldn't have been strong hands... This wouldn't make sense, but just supporting my observation. ^^ I'd capitalize strong if the lines don't tie together like that. 
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No! He won’t.
He can’t.
He does. |
Maybe a line break after No!, but that's a very minor nit-pick. It would be No, he won't! if it's a full sentence, which is what I was thinking when I read it and why I suggested a line break. It's completely your decision. I'm probably making no sense anyway, so don't worry about it.  This was a very excellent use of repetition.
Adding more to these lines, this is excellent use of your 2-word sentences. Very effective and an excellent turning point in the poem. ^^
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That phrase he utters,
“you’re mine.” |
This seems to be left hanging. That phrase he utters...what? What about that phrase he utters? Even if you quoted his uttered phrase, you still leave us hanging with that. ^^
Nothing more. Again, excellent job. I think I found more here to comment on than your other one, but this was a good read. Very good job. I agree with Liz about the last part. It did sound a bit narrative, but I didn't find it too killer.
Bravo! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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myfreindsavamp
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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as said befor a diffrent way kinda halloweenish
But for me sweemish.....
I would so break up with my bf if he ever and I mean ever did that to me. Sorry back to the peom...
I thought it was a heart swore......man that guy didn't know what he was doing.
-em |
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Kenpachi Masamune
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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I taste blood. -fine
That fist that met my cheek, -agreed on repetition of that.
was it really his? - fine
It couldn’t have been… - fine
strong hands grasp tender flesh. -He hit, not grasp. Some logic issues there.
No! He won’t. - fine
He can’t. - fine
He does. -fine
“Why?” I beg. -weird
That phrase he utters, -weird
“you’re mine.” -weird
I am an object now, -fine
a thing to be dominated. - fine
The pain comes, - fine
laces through my heart. - fine
“What happened to love?” -weird
I cry. - fine
He glares. -fine
“This is love.” -weird and strange to go out on.
This is narrative rather then dramatic, since it tells a situation and a story. Though I guess it does fit for both. Your structure was a bit unsteady and your quotes made it break form. A decent poem, but it is kinda disturbing...and not in a good way. |
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Audy
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:04 pm Post subject: |
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Oi, this is terrifying! Sent shivers down my spine there at the end, but I love it
I agree with most of the stuff that was said above. In addition:
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was it really his?
It couldn’t have been… |
These two lines say the same thing. It becomes repetitive and wordy, and I think that's why this poem sounds a little bit narratish as was commented above (To be honest, on first read, I hadn't noticed, so it's not much to concern about.) So I would recommend either, 'was it really his?' Or 'It couldn't have been his...' but not both.
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No! He won’t.
He can’t.
He does.
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I absolutely love this =) Me personally I would italicize 'does' just for greater emphasis, but that's up to you, it really is fine the way it is.
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“What happened to love?”
I cry.
He glares.
“This is love.” |
I kinda like the story-tellingish feel here. But I would get rid of 'I cry' and then just have it have 'he glares' so that it's not quite so pronounced. The last line is utter brillance!
Now for the plus side, you did an excellent job with suspense and evoking emotions in this piece. The story was horrifying, but the theme and message was clear. I love this. |
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Morivou
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 2:36 am Post subject: Re: Possession |
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Dang... I REALLY liked this one cause it spoke to me personally. I really think you should write more like this. Your emotions really pop out here. I have no criticism.
PM me some more writings! |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:38 pm Post subject: |
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This was pretty good. A few things though:
First you say you taste blood, and that he has hit your cheek, but then you say "he won't, he can't" as if he is about to do it, whereas before you were talking as if he had already done it, so this is a tense problem - I think won't should be changed to wouldn't, and can't to couldn't. Which also means does should be changed to did. Second thing, "Why?" doesn't quite sound like begging...I don't think that's quite the right word to describe it. Plead might sound better, but that still sounds like a plea rather than a question, so I think that line needs to be re-worded slightly. One more thing, I think you should move "he glares" to the line above, to directly compare the facial expressions of the couple. Good job once more, keep writing! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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You seem to already have received a lot of critiques so I hope I still have something worth saying!
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That The fist that met my cheek,
was it really his? |
The poem is great because it has so much opportunity. Right now, it's a bit behind in the emotional/powerful department, but that isn't hard to fix. I have an article that may help you: Emotional Poetry. Make your reader feel what you feel. Get in their head, make them shake and cry.
Like your last poem I critiqued, I think you need more vivid imagery. Say something that stands out against what is normally said. Another article you might want to peak at is Right Word, Right Time by Cade. Word choice is incredebly important to poetry. Think about it, you only have a few words to say what you want--why not say it to the best of your ability? For example, instead of just saying "I taste blood" explain to us how the blood tastes. Does it slosh around in your mouth, or do you spit it out, or swallow it?
I hope this helped and if you have any questions, feel free to find me. |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Ooh, you had me shivering at the end. It was really, really good. I do agree with Kenpachi about the "weird" phrases. And also, you need to watch your punctation! |
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Cabassi_Crime_Family
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:35 pm Post subject: Re: Possession |
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Ciao OE.
Mi dispiace--or sorry, simply--for the time it took to get to this.
There is something catchy, short and blunt, in the final two lines. It seems an apt summing up.
The difficulty, seems, is that what precedes it needs no summing-up, no finality such as one finds in the sonnet's end. It is too prosaic and direct; and in ultimately, its being summed up merely makes for needless repetition.
| OverEasy wrote: |
“What happened to love?”
I cry.
He glares.
“This is love.” |
The above is the 'point', so to speak, yes? Take the idea and express it poetically. At the moment, though I have the distinct sense that this is a 'moving' sort of emotion, and situation, it doesn't come through in the structure or the language. What has been said could be said in prose, simply taking line breaks out.
A Bit More Detail on...STRUCTURE, Vero?
I like the abruptness , its nearly fragmented structure. Naturally, it seems to be apt to the single-layer directness of the its sentences/lines.
But you can manage a poem, that is both harsh in its structure--fragmented, for example--as well as poetic, rather than prosaic. Use the short sentences. Use fragments.
But describe and show. Metaphors needn't be page-length things.
CONTENT (half-full or empty, no?)
You have a story again, in all honesty. But it will be the experience of the voice in the poem that will draw the reader in. At this point, you have content sans vivid voice. You have 'taste blood' but now what it tastes like. Blood might taste like copper wiring behind someone's teeth; it might taste like dirt, and graveyard smells in spring; it might be blood, and taste like nothing.
That first line, at the moment, says something. It doesn't much mean anything--to either the poem's narrator, or to the reader.
Oy, this is a traumatic scene--to touch your reader, and to touch the heart of the poem, you'll have to get myopically close to it. Then, naturally, it will have content and voice--a whole body. Full.
IN LIGHT OF FINALITY...
Keep the abruptness. But make every word count. The more brief a sentence is, the more brief a poem, the more weighty each word ought to be. And at the moment, you've pennyweight words and you need ones that will fall and make a dent in the concrete.
Buona fortuna --best of luck
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Very haunting and creepy. I actually question what EXACTLY it's about. Vampires came to mind, actually. O.o |
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