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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 939 Reviews: 207 Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy. 347 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: Hollow Lake : Taxi Ride (1) |
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Had someone told Johnny that “Can you please take Sandra Tscarediway to 57 Rosebend Avenue?” was a question to which he should answer no if he valued his peace of mind—he would have laughed.
Because, in fact, it was not a question but an instruction. And so the option of refusing did not in fact exist. The dispatcher who had given this instruction had made no mention of the fact that the person he was supposed to pick up and drive to Rosebend Avenue was an orphan, or that she was not going to be in a good mood. In fact, they had entirely failed to warn him that she didn’t actually want to go anywhere and therefore—when he pulled up into the driveway of the orphanage—she would not in fact come to the taxi but instead remain firmly seated on the front steps, staring him down. But since this was what happened, it was no particular relief to him when a portly woman with a red face pulled the girl up by the shoulder and bustled her into the car.
This last undertaking had turned into an ordeal, because it seemed Sandra Tsgo’scarediway was exceptionally good at resisting being bustled places, especially cars. When she first sat down in the back of the car, she had immediately made an announcement.
“I left my bag in my room.”
With an exasperated sound borernign on a sigh and a groan, the woman had hurried back into the building. In the meantime Sandra had made good her escpe, fleeing across the parking lot and behind a red sedan parked there.
Johnny had had no idea what to do. When the woman returned, he had told her where the girl had gone. Eyes narrowing, the woman had stormed across the parking lot after the girl, who had immediately vauilted over the car and darted back into the orphanage.
The ensuing racket was one that made Johnny decide never to have children or adopt. He had seen things fly form windows and heard shouts on every floor of the building. There was a crash and a number of bangs and he was horrified to see something suspiciously similar to a book case fall over inside somewhere. Fifteen minutes later a soaking wet and quivering woman dragged an equally soaking girl to the car, put her bag into the trunk and slammed the door.
Sandra had then pulled back her shoulder length mass of soaking tangled curls from her face and flashed him a smile.
“Good morning,” she had chirped—as if she hadn’t just proven herself to be the manifestation of trouble.
Johnny had sat back in his seat.
The drive was long, and with every passing minute he felt the tension slowly leaving his body, like air escaping from pursed lips.
“This will be the third house I go to.” She had announced out of nowhere. “Usually the director would drive me…but I wrote in white on his black leather seats, so he won’t let me within ten feet of his car anymore.”
Johnny nodded as if accepting what she was saying, but his mind was screaming: You have leather seats! Sandra smiled.
“I didn’t do it because I’m bad, I did it because I like to live up to people’s expectations. He said I was an unruly and misbehaved child. And the orphanage mistress had been saying I was certainly going to give them trouble. Why prove them wrong?”
She began tapping a ditty on the window.
Johnny kept an eye on her, the word white out and leather seats having put him on full alert. But the ride until the Rosette Complexe had been without event. When they reached the complex, Sandra had begun to frown.
“Is this a new complex?” she asked.
“Uh…no. It’s been up for a few years.”
Sandra had a suspicious expression on her face, but Johnny was busy looking for the house number. He pulled up into the driveway and popped the trunk.
Sandra had sat in the back for another moment before getting out and taking her bag. Johnny didn’t know if he was supposed to wait for her to get in, but Sandra decided on just standing in the driveway and looking at the house. And then at the one next door.
With a sigh Johnny drove away. He needed a coffee.
*^*^*^*^*
This was the beginning of a story I never really found a plot for because I was having too much fun with the details.
Let me know what you think. ^_^ |
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Last edited by Sleeping Valor on Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:19 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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BigBadBear
einstein's memorial Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 1485 Reviews: 571 Country: Gotham City 1042 Points
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:14 am Post subject: |
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Awesome! I can't wait to get reading. After the first part of "Diary of a Villian" I know that this will be awesome. Ok, now for the crit:
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| Had someone told Johnny that “Can you please take Sandra Tscarediway to 57 Rosebend Avenue?” was a question to which he should answer no if he valued his peace of mind—he would have laughed. |
Whoa. Slow down. This was insanely wordy. XD It was a great opening sentence, but really wordy. Maybe you can cut it down just a little?
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she would not, in fact, come to the taxi but instead remain firmly seated on the front steps, staring him down. |
XD I love the little chase that they have. It really brings out the personalities... oh dear. I can't find anything to complain about... *goes back to reading*
I'm done. And this was an outstanding chapter. I mean it. Really, you have to continue this. Find a plot, it can be anything. It's just that you've already got me hooked!
XD
Great job! There aren't that many comedies on YWS. I really hope that you continue this! Even if this was a worthless crit, I want to keep reading!
BBB |
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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 939 Reviews: 207 Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy. 347 Points
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Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Had someone told Johnny that “Can you please take Sandra Tscarediway to 57 Rosebend Avenue?” was a question to which he should answer no if he valued his peace of mind—he would have laughed. |
Whoa. Slow down. This was insanely wordy. XD It was a great opening sentence, but really wordy. Maybe you can cut it down just a little? |
lol. XD Yeah, there were some run-on sentences i managed to shorten, and then there were a bunch more I just couldn't.
I'm glad you liked it. I had insane amounts of fun writing this (I've got a couple stories like this; fun idea with no plot at the time) so I'd really like to continue it now that i've got a vague plot for it.
Thanks for the crit!
^_^ Keek! |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 733 Reviews: 234 Country: Limbo... 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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I agree, that first sentence was a bit much. I had to read through twice to understand it. lol! Anyways, after reading DoaV, this is a great change in plot, but it still has your "feel" of writing to it.
Awesome, can't wait to read more! |
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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 939 Reviews: 207 Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy. 347 Points
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Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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I'm glad you liked it.
And yeah, I've been reading through the many pages I wrote of this story and there are a lot of run on sentences. =P (You know it's bad when you read and entire paragraph and only see two periods. >.<)
Thanks for reading! |
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JabberHut
The One and Only! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 913 Reviews: 449 Country: Whats you wants? My blood? Gets yer own! 724 Points
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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: |
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Hi! I saw this and thought I’d pay a visit.
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| Had someone told Johnny that “Can you please take Sandra Tscarediway to 57 Rosebend Avenue?” was a question to which he should answer no if he valued his peace of mind—he would have laughed. |
3B is correct in saying this was wordy. It was hard for me to correct because there were too many words. xD
“Can you please take Sandra Tscarediway to 57 Rosebend Avenue?”
If someone told Johnny to decline such a question if he valued his peace of mind, he would have laughed.
This seems better, but or fix how you wish.
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Because, in In fact, it was not a question but an instruction. |
I don’t much like starting sentences with because. But maybe it’s alright in this instance. Keep it if you think deleting it would throw off the meaning of the sentence. I think it would be fine, though. I try to avoid starting sentences with because or but or even and (contractions, in other words. )
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| And so the option of refusing did not[b], in fact, exist. |
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| In fact, they had entirely failed to warn him that she didn’t actually want to go anywhere and therefore—when he pulled up into the driveway of the orphanage—she would not in fact come to the taxi but instead remain firmly seated on the front steps, staring him down. |
They had entirely failed to warn him that she didn’t actually want to go anywhere and therefore, when he pulled up in front of the orphanage, she didn’t come to the taxi. She remained seated on the front steps, watching him with disapproving eyes. Maybe? Maybe not? Adjust accordingly. You would, I’m sure, agree that this was a run-on.
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| Because, in fact, it was not a question but an instruction. And so the option of refusing did not in fact exist. The dispatcher who had given this instruction had made no mention of the fact that the person he was supposed to pick up and drive to Rosebend Avenue was an orphan, or that she was not going to be in a good mood. In fact, they had entirely failed to warn him that she didn’t actually want to go anywhere and therefore—when he pulled up into the driveway of the orphanage—she would not in fact come to the taxi but instead remain firmly seated on the front steps, staring him down. But since this was what happened, it was no particular relief to him when a portly woman with a red face pulled the girl up by the shoulder and bustled her into the car. |
Was this intentional? Lol, if it was, this is irritating intentionality. Go to either www.thesaurus.com or www.m-w.com to find synonyms if you need them.
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This last undertaking had turned into an ordeal, [no comma]because it seemed Sandra Tsgo’scarediway was exceptionally good at resisting being bustled sent [?] to places, especially cars. |
That last name looks different than the one you mentioned earlier. Was that intentional as well?
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With an exasperated sound borernign bordering on a sigh and a groan, the woman had hurried back into the building. |
An exasperated sigh sounds like a soft groan, in my world anyway.
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In the meantime, Sandra had made good her escpe escape, fleeing across the parking lot and behind a red sedan parked there. |
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Johnny had had no idea what to do. |
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Eyes narrowing, the woman had stormed across the parking lot after the girl, who had immediately vauilted vaulted over the car and darted back into the orphanage. |
Eyes narrowing, the woman stormed across the parking lot as the girl vaulted over the car and darted back to into the orphanage. ^_^
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He had seen things fly form from windows and heard shouts on every floor of the building. |
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Fifteen minutes later, a soaking sopping wet and quivering woman dragged an equally soaking girl to the car, put her bag into the trunk, and slammed the door shut. |
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Sandra had then pulled back her shoulder length mass of soaking tangled curls from her face and flashed him a smile. |
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| “Good morning,” she had chirped— [comma instead] as if she hadn’t just proven herself to be the manifestation of trouble. |
Lol, this made me laugh. ^^
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Johnny had sat back in his seat. |
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“This will be the third house I go to. [comma instead]” She she had announced out of nowhere. “Usually the director would drive me… [comma instead] but I wrote in white on his black leather seats, so he won’t let me within ten feet of his car anymore.” |
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| Johnny nodded as if accepting what she was saying, but his mind was screaming: You have leather seats! Sandra smiled |
Italics for his thought.
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| “I didn’t do it because I’m bad, [semi or period] I did it because I like to live up to people’s expectations. |
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| Johnny kept an eye on her, the word white-out and leather seats having put him on full alert. |
MS Word says whiteout is its own word, btw. *shrug* Even editors learn something new.
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| With a sigh, Johnny drove away. He needed a coffee. |
That was an interesting read! It was a big change from DoaV, but I still liked it a lot. You’re a fantastic writer. I do hope you think of a way to use this in a good story. I most enjoyed this. No problems much, either. Your characters were developed well, and hopefully I helped solve the run-on sentences. ^^;
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| Anyways, after reading DoaV, this is a great change in plot, but it still has your "feel" of writing to it. |
That’s definitely not bad. It’s an author’s style of writing. Makes it unique to other writers.
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| And yeah, I've been reading through the many pages I wrote of this story and there are a lot of run on sentences. =P (You know it's bad when you read and entire paragraph and only see two periods. >.<) |
LOL Yeah, that’s not entirely good.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 733 Reviews: 234 Country: Limbo... 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Sleeping Valor wrote: |
I'm glad you liked it.
And yeah, I've been reading through the many pages I wrote of this story and there are a lot of run on sentences. =P (You know it's bad when you read and entire paragraph and only see two periods. >.<)
Thanks for reading! |
One of my stories I had a one-sentence paragraph. And this wasn't like a
"Hi!"
kind of paragraph, it was pretty long... but it wasn't a run-on!
lol |
_________________ Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
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Stella Thomas
The angels have the phone box... Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 29 Dec 2007 Posts: 1097 Reviews: 182 Country: Ankh-Mopork 378 Points
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Fun to write, fun to read. I'm a little confused as to why it's fantasy, but it had me, not laughing, but smiling the whole way through. Good job, very nice. |
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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 939 Reviews: 207 Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy. 347 Points
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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| =P When I get through DoaV (or maybe while) I will continue this plot. It's in fantasy because very soon after these first two parts, my MC gets taken to another world (the 'Hollow Lake') and the plot goes all fantasy on us. But that doesn't happen right away (and not yet in what I've written, sadly). >.< I want to work on it but I'm scared I'll end up dropping DoaV if I try and do both. |
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GryphonFledgling
As the world falls down... Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 735 Reviews: 459 Country: Underground 710 Points
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject: |
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Well, JabberHut beat me here, so I won't bother repeating what I was going to say... Though I want to... Grr...
Nah, this was great. At the risk of being annoying, I'm going to echo what everyone else said and tell you that you have a killer first sentence - in two ways. It is a knock-out clever sentence, but it is also incredibly hard to read. In fact, the entire second paragraph is a little bit of a challenge. But then after that, things seem to simplify a bit. Perhaps you should maintain the same consistency of complexity in all of the story. And I would recommend simplifying the first few rather than complicating the following.
But I really liked this. I can see how this was really fun to write. I have my own similar pet project (it's high fantasy, but humor, if that even works... ) where I really have no plot but have a ton of details worked out. Yeah, they're pretty darn fun, no?
Anyway, this was a great start. Are you going to continue it, do you think? Or have you already?
~GryphonFledgling |
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Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 12 Jan 2006 Posts: 939 Reviews: 207 Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy. 347 Points
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Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:06 am Post subject: |
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| It is a knock-out clever sentence, but it is also incredibly hard to read. In fact, the entire second paragraph is a little bit of a challenge. |
Clever? So glad you think so. I have yet to find a way of simplifying it without taking away from what I must have been trying to accomplish.
As for the rest... well I think I mastered in Run On Sentence Foo or something, because I seemed to do it a lot. =P That second paragraph is actually post-simplification. That should be an indication of how amazingly long my sentences were.
And yes, much fun.  |
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enjeru
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 110 Reviews: 40 Country: a place...in another place...which is also in another place, too!! >.> 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
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Had someone told Johnny that “CanCould you please take Sandra Tscarediway to 57 Rosebend Avenue?” was a question to which he should answer no if he valued his peace of mind—he would have laughed. |
i agree with eveyone here. bit too fast, bit too wordy. Also note the changes i made.
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| This last undertaking had turned into an ordeal, because it seemed Sandra Tsgo’scarediway was exceptionally good at resisting being bustled places, especially cars. |
you changed the way her name is spelled...
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This last undertaking had turned into an ordeal, because it seemed Sandra Tsgo’scarediway was exceptionally good at resisting being bustled places, especially cars. When she first sat down in the back of the car, she had immediately made an announcement.
“I left my bag in my room.” |
you should put a space between those two paragraphs. it's just easier to read and keeps you consistant. ~_^
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who had immediately vauilted over the car and darted back into the orphanage.
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vaulted
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| With an exasperated sound borernign on a sigh and a groan, the woman had hurried back into the building. In the meantime Sandra had made good her escpe, fleeing across the parking lot and behind a red sedan parked there. |
bordering, and escape.
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| He had seen things fly form windows and heard shouts on every floor of the building. |
from--don't worry, i do that all the time!! ^__^ just learn to catch yourself.
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| Sandra had then pulled back her shoulder length mass of soaking tangled curls from her face and flashed him a smile. |
try not to be so repetitive--unless you're emphasizing, like you did in the paragraph before.
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| Johnny nodded as if accepting what she was saying, but his mind was screaming: You have leather seats! Sandra smiled. |
Direct thoughts are generally italicized. ~_^
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| She began tapping a ditty on the window. |
...
i like that word. ^__^
(you thought i was gonna say something bad, huh? lol. XD)
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“Is this a new complex?” she asked.
“Uh…no. It’s been up for a few years.” |
again, separate paragraphs. ~_^
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| Sandra had a suspicious expression on her face, but Johnny was busy looking for the house number. He pulled up into the driveway and popped the trunk. |
how did he open the trunk if he didn't get out of the car?? have a bit more detail for that.
_______________________________~~~~______________________________
all in all, very good. ^__^ humorous!!! love it!!!
you did kind of switch tenses throughout. try and be consistent on that. i can see where a plot might form out of this, but i'll let you do what you want.
keep it up!! *love!!*
~enjeru |
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