Topic ID: 25575
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| Which is your favourite chapter? |
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Aedomir
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 Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: The Immortals Chapter 1-3 |
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Hi guys! This is a biggee! If you have followed my novel, you will know I have posted for some time, that is because I have done about 3000 words since you last read it! I would be thrilled if you could review this, don't worry about grammar, that would take forever! Thankyou for taking the time to read this, you will need MS Word 2003+ to read.
Summary:
Aedomir, an outlaw, is with a group of fellow exiles. They are attacked by Kalbarcs and the leader, Aganost, is killed. Aedomir manages to defeat them with his Guardian. He wakes up in a cave and goes to get foor his remaingin 5 comrades. He is attacked while finding food and wakes up, yet again, in a prison 1000 years in the future. He meets Seridon, who recues him, who reveals that the empire has been overhtrown in Aedmoir's absence... But who is Seridon, and what will Aeodmir do?
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:12 am Post subject: |
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Hey Aedomir! This isn't an edit, but I wanted to say that I'm reading it on Word, and I'll edit it. But it might take a while...yeah. A long time. Haha. I don't know how I'll post it, though.
Hmm. Have to think about that.
See ya,
Teh Wozzinator |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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Heh. lol. I've seen your story around a zillion times, not sure if I ever commented though. I've downloaded it though and I'll probably get my edits to you one chapter at a time, since it's so long.
*blink* =P I retract my statement about it being long. My prologue for DoaV is 13 pages. XD
I've already done 6 ages, expect my critique for chapter one in the next few days.
^_^ Keek! |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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| thats great thanks everyone! |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Aedomir! Finally got to this! Sorry it took a while. 
I did grammar check on the parts I didn't hit (the last section of Chapter 3). I rather enjoyed that part, as well as the rest of the story. You're an excellent writer, don't ever think you're not. 
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Aedomir just sat contemplating his thoughts. |
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| . Then he remembered. [colon instead?] The waterfall. |
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| He looked across at Seridon, [no comma] until he returned the stare, and they looked upon one another’s eyes. |
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“Yes, Ethina, we all knew that.”
Seridon raised his eyebrows. “Perhaps you have forgotten we don’t know where Ethina is. Such has not changed for the past millennium.
Aedomir frowned. “You mean Faraheight? The continent of Devilry?”
“And Boutan and Vofeld,” Seridon said patiently. |
Good job with your places here. I didn't feel like I was dumped on with information. You managed to slur them in, even into your dialogue. Bravo, my friend!
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He sighed and bellowed and a deep yawn. |
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Aedomir shook his head left and right, and felt feeling goose bumps creep up his arm. |
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| “And all that time, I had succumbed to killing innocent people.” |
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| If everybody you knew then, [no comma] exists to this day, then work it for yourself!” |
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| “They are making people immortal, [no comma] by destroying their souls, yes?” |
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| “Immortality upon stars and earth can only happen if death is defied, namely, [no comma] Malwin! |
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| “You don’t need me, [semicolon?] you can work out a millennium all by yourself,” ... |
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Seridon’s lips curled up, [no comma] and cautiously he raised his left hand. |
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| He sent me to kill off the remaining men of your group. |
In the document, you had this word underlined instead of italics. I suggest italicizing (if you haven't before). Underlining is too distracting for the reader. I won’t repeat this comment with the other underlined words.
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| Aedomir could not be sure why, but something inside him told Aedomir that Seridon could be trusted. Whether it was of goodness, generosity, or from the honest glint in his eye, Aedomir did not know. |
Repetition of Aedomir. Replace with pronouns or other nouns that would fit him.
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| Who is Kuzarr, and who the hell are you?” |
Can't remember if I mentioned this before, but be sure you want this jargon for their dialogue. It seems modernish to me, but I could be wrong.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks very much jabber! Great thoughts! With the modernising, I just don't really want to be seen as another LotR copier, but ye I'm not sure if it's fit. Oh and with the underlining its just that its supposed to be easier to read in manuscripts, but i'll italicize next time.
Thanks,
D'Aedomir |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Everyone, I see it has been downloaded 20 times or so, if you have read it, please give me your opinion! |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: |
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Aedomir, I wanted to say that I read the story, but I just don't have time to critique something that long. I have critted most of the stuff you posted on the site, though, so hopefully that helps. I just wanted to say "great job!" Of course you did a great job... that's the kind of writer you are, and the kind of story this is.
My only basic edit is that it is beginning to sound like LotR. I would change the Elves to a different race, and the horse thing in #8 or 9, although very well written, was a little bit cliche.
But other than that...
Wait!
I just remembered something. You said the name of that place (Aecinil, or something like that???), and afterwards said "(ancient in old Elvish)". I thought that the parentheses were a little rough (but that's just me--obviously, I use them all the time, but in this case I didn't like them), and the old Elvish thing sounds really Paolini-ish. Sorry, but that's what I thought of. First of all, you'll have to change the language if you change the name of the race, but I would maybe try to fit it in some other way. Again, that's just me, and again, great job!
Keep writing, 'cause I wanna read more!!!
Teh Wozzinator (Hey, now it's official!) |
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Firestar
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:22 am Post subject: |
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| I found that it flowed fairly well trough the story. A bit rough in some parts but overall I felt connected to the story. I thought the wording was good for the most part, and the charachters were beleiveble. Just keep up the good work! |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks everyone! Don't worry Wozzy (I like that!). Sounds Paolini-ish? Dear God no! Please! lol, I think I will get rid of 'Elf'; and pick an old race. And ye, a lot of rough parts. Still, first draft! I'm quite pleased... I've started work on the new chapter one, which basically chnges the storyline completley. lol. |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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What?!?!?! You're rewriting it again??? I already had to read parts 1-7, and then go back and read the advanced crit thing, Aedomir! XD
Yes, I agree that you should take out the elves. That would keep it from sound Paolini-ish, and it would only slightly sound like LotR. (The horse thing was similar to LotR.)
Your landscape also sounds a little bit like middle earth... but really, any medieval fantasy land will.
I think that you're doing a good job on not cliche-ing it too much, though.
Wow, Firestar, you already got through this?? I guess you finished the entire advanced crit thing in a day... not too hard. (I know Firestar, and I suggested this story to him.)
Anyways, keep writing, all of you!
Teh Wozzinator
EDIT: Hey Aedomir, I guess you did a good job on chapter two... everyone says that that's the best. Okay, so it is just three people... but I liked chapter 2, and I'm glad that you added that in there, since that wasn't in the first part that you posted on the site. |
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Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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Hiya! Thanks for that!
I'm only rewriting chapter one, but that won't be a for a few montha yet I reckon. I jsut don't like it. Forget about Aganost and thw guardian, I'm cutting them out! |
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We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
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2. Human. |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:43 pm Post subject: |
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Aww... I kinda liked him. Although I do agree that his death happened a little quick, and the scene wasn't perfect...
I still think that it'll be good, no matter what you edit. |
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Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:48 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks...
I might keep Aganost, in fact, ye. He could be the leader of the exiles why Aedomir was gone. Maybe... I'l;l give it some thought. |
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Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
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2. Human. |
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