Topic ID: 24783
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 744
Reviews: 234
Country: Uhh... not anymore...
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: The Magic of Chocolate: (chapter 1) Chocolate Bar |
 |
|
this is a story that's set in future times, so it's a sci-fi, but it's also fantasy, so i just put it in A/A.
anyways, it's called The Magic of Chocolate, and here's chapter one. comments and edits wanted.
Okay, I edited it, so here's the new, edited, longer version of Chap. 1.
One <^> Chocolate Bar
“Dark or milk?” the receptionist at ‘The Center of Chocolate’ asked the young man.
“Milk,” the dark-haired man replied, “always milk.” The room was dark, and he shifted uncomfortably. Anything could be hiding in the shadows. He doubted that anyone would be hiding from outside The Center of Chocolate, with its high—yet invisible—security, but he had learned never to trust anyone, especially with his line of work. He was always alert and ready.
He glanced around as the older lady reached down to grab a piece of the chocolate. The only light in the room was one on the wall behind the desk, and the small bluish light from the computer. He smelled nothing in the room but chocolate, a heavy, sweet perfume. He looked back at the lady.
The lady held something in her hand, and the man could barely see its outline. “Do you have money?” asked the lady.
“Here.” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of bills. It seemed like a lot to pay for a candy bar, especially one as small as this. And—as if that wasn’t enough—if you could have seen the number on the bills, you would have been surprised at the seeming idiocy of buying a small piece of chocolate for that. It wouldn’t matter how rare it was. But the man needed the bar. It wasn’t an addiction… it would probably save his life.
The lady took the money and handed him the chocolate. He ripped open the wrapper and ate the chocolate in a single bite. After pouring the chocolate crumbs into his mouth, he carelessly threw the wrapper onto the ground.
After he left, the receptionist sighed, stood up and walked over to pick up the wrapper. Whoever’s replacing me should be here by now, she thought.
thanks for comments!! i'll have the second and third chapters up in a few minutes. |
_________________
Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook
Last edited by Teh Wozzinator on Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:01 am; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting story. There isn't really enough here for me to give a true critique, but it definitely looked good. I am curious to see why this man needs the chocolat.
My only comment is that at the beginning the man seemed sort of jumpy, concerned. Why? Sure, there could be anyone anywhere, but what does that matter? How is it relevant? Don't let the readers answer the question themselves!
Also, why is the reception room so dark, and is it normal to be worried about dangerous people lurking in said reception room? Is there no security??? If they're handling very valuable chocolat, I can't imagine there not being some kind of equally costly security measures being in place. |
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 744
Reviews: 234
Country: Uhh... not anymore...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
he isn't worried about people coming in from outside...but also from people at the reception area. the darkness was kind of just for fun...
and there's definitely security, but they don't have just some security guards standing around. this is way more hi-tech. thanks for the comment |
_________________
Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook |
|
| Back to top |
|
JabberHut
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1033
Reviews: 462
Country: Candyland
764 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
Woz! What up, dawg?
Done, seriously.  Alrighty, I'm gonna rip, and I'm gonna tear, and I'm gonna smile the entire time. 
| Quote: |
| “Dark or milk?” the receptionist at ‘The Center of Chocolate’ asked the young, dark-haired man. |
Milk, of course. 
I'm thinking you can tie in his appearance much more easily. Don't attack the reader right in the first sentence with his appearance. If you adjust your story, you can make room to slur in his hair color and eyes and whatnot.
| Quote: |
| Anything could be hiding in the shadows. [comma will work best] But he was alert, [delete comma] and ready. |
| Quote: |
The lady held something in her him [?] hand, and the man could barely make out its outline. “Money?” asked the lady. |
Especially right next to each other, this repetition can get a bit irritating.
| Quote: |
| And—as if that wasn’t enough—if you could have seen the number on the bills, you would have been surprised at the seeming idiocy of buying a small piece of chocolate for that—no matter how rare it was. |
Run-on. ^^ If you could have seen the huge numbers on the bills, you would also be wondering about the apparent idiocy of buying such a small piece of chocolate, no matter how rare it was.
| Quote: |
| It wasn’t an addiction…probably it would save his life. |
This is a bit awkward. I can't get the meaning out, even.
| Quote: |
| He ripped open the wrapper and ate the chocolate in a single bite. He poured the little bits of leftover chocolate from the wrapper into his mouth, and carelessly dropped the wrapper on the ground. |
I have just recently discovered how irritating it is to start the same sentence with the same word like here. He ripped open the wrapper and shoved the chocolate in his mouth. After pouring the chocolate crumbs into his mouth, he carelessly threw the wrapper onto the ground.
| Quote: |
| After he left, the receptionist sighed, stood up, and walked over to pick up the wrapper. |
Overall, I laughed. Lol, milk chocolate ftw!
I don't really a plot yet. All I know is this guy is rich and wastes his money on chocolate, lol (which, I agree, is idiotic  ). I know his personality, though, kinda. He's addicted to chocolate...like me? Well, I'm not that addicted.
I'd like to know what he looks like but, as I said above, smooth it into the story. Don't just plop it on a tag. If I could think, I'd give some examples, lol. I need some soda before I got the next few chapters...
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 744
Reviews: 234
Country: Uhh... not anymore...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| that's what i meant by "It wasn't an addiction", read on and you'll see why he bought the chocolate |
_________________
Y'know, I've heard that scientists have started using lawyers for tests instead of rats for two reasons. One, because the scientists got less attached to lawyers, and two, because there are some things that even rats won't do...
~Hook |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
lol, I like short, to the point stories. I can;t really talk about grammar, it seems fine to me. I wonder why he wants the chocolate... let's go find out!
*goes to chapter two* |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
LoveableLittleSock
There is no guarantee I won't tear it apart...
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 477
Reviews: 158
Country: United States of America
161 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
Sounds like me and chocolate...
You used "the man" a lot. Try to use another way of referring to the same character. You spent a lot of time making fun of the dude buying the chocolate. LEAVE HIM ALONE! He can pay 10,000 bucks for the friggin' brown piece of sugar if he wants to!!
As long as he's buyin it from me
HMMM. "Save his life?" Wow. Why? How?
Guess I better read on.
Damn you. I'm outside and it's cold!! I don't wanna read on!
But I have to. GR. |
_________________
Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.
Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absolutely free? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sumi H. Inkblot
can divide by zero
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 2995
Reviews: 268
Country: Mu
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hellooooooooooo, Woz!
Well, everybody's basically caught all the obvious stuff, so this is just a pikthru.
1. "Receptionist". If she's selling something, "clerk" would be the more viable term. I think you need to elaborate more on the room, so the entire scene will be clearer. For example, is there a light on the receptionist/clerk's desk? Can he see her? Is she pretty? Is there a splotch of chocolate next to her mouth? (Heh, I would steal chocolate if it was above fifty bucks... >.>)
2. There's not much here for a first chapter.... 500-some words? I think this would work better as part of a first chapter, (a scene) there's not much here for me to comment on.
Hokay...er, it's a good idea to put your comments on the story at the bottom, because then more of the story is visible on the front page.
Oh, yeah...You switch VPCs. First we get the deal from the 3rdP, who is hooked up to Unknown Man, who, for now, will be Bob. But then, at the end, the VP is changed and we are a bit confused.
So, to work on:
-Clarity
I can't emphasize how important clarity is when you're starting a story like this. I can understand that you want to start off with notes of mystery, but with a chapter this short, it just doesn't work. This seems more like a prologue than a chapter. I don't know a thing about this MC -- aside from his devotion to chocolate -- and that doesn't give me a reason to continue reading. The first chapter should be a hook, what draws the reader in and keeps him (or her) reading.
-Length
This should go hand-in-hand with clarity, though not always. Take a little time to stop and smell the roses. Sights, smells, the whole package. All these can indicate different things -- the place could be a chocolate factory. He would be able to smell it. Get it?
This is more a scene than a chapter, and you could incorporate a lot more into it.
Right, I'm blabbering. Off to bother critique your other chapters.
~Sumi |
_________________
Capitolism is the uneven distribution of wealth.
Socialism is the even distribution of poverty. |
|
| Back to top |
|
GryphonFledgling
*glomps November*
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 805
Reviews: 471
Country: my desk... writing... furiously... <.< >.> ...yeah...
560 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello there...
This was intriguing. Chocolate? Need? *scurries off to find chocolate*
*back* No seriously, this was actually almost comical in its own way. He is so desperate.
Anyway, everyone else got to critique the heck out of this thing, so I won't repeat what they said. I do agree a bit with Sumi above me about the length, that perhaps you should slow down just a bit, maybe mention what the man is wearing, that he would have so much money, maybe what the cashier thinks about this eccentric behavior, where this is all taking place... You don't need to add much more, just a little bit to add to the atmosphere.
Anyway, fantastic job. Jabber-Hut seems to have caught all grammar errors that could possibly be dragged out of it, so I will simply end with the encouraging message that I really liked this and can't wait to read the rest of what you have on here already. I mean, how many sci-fi/fantasy/action-adventure stories begin with the buying and eating of chocolate... chocolate that could save someone's life?
~GryphonFledgling |
_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me
Jareth/Sarah shipper...
Kickin' butt and not stopping to take wordcount. NaNo 2008! Read my novel here! |
|
| Back to top |
|
MisaAmane
Novice
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 29 Jan 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 6
Country: Japan
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I didn't notice any errors in grammar or spelling,
although if there were any in there, I probably wouldn't have noticed them anyways
it has a small amount of writing though I really liked it.
in a way it had a little sence of humor (or so I thought, although my idea's of humor are very different from others) and if you continue to write this story in the future I believe that you should put even more detail (because I know you can!) into it and even more writing, because it might just make for a good book! although some extremely good writers like to write in very small chapters (but sometimes that depends on the book they are writing)
I enjoyed reading this and pardon me for my writing style,
I'm not very good at spacing out my writing, I mainly like to write in paragraphs.
pretty good! I give it an 8/10 |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
shayna
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 5
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow, I'm really excited to read the following chapters. It sounds like it should be a very interesting story. Have you written anything else besides this story? I would be interested in reading them if you have. Let me know! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Whisper91
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 31
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Remarks and add-ins are in braces. I didn't read others' reviews so I might be repeating someone.
“Dark or milk?” the receptionist at {“}The Center of Chocolate{”} asked the young, dark-haired man.
“Milk,” the man replied, “always milk.”
The room was dark, and he shifted uncomfortably. Anything could be hiding in the shadows. But he was alert and ready.
The lady held something in her hand, and the man could barely make out its outline.
“Money{.}” {stat}ed the lady.
“Here{,}” {t}he man reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of bills.
It seemed like a lot to pay for a candy bar, especially one as small as this. And—as if that wasn’t enough—if you could have seen the number on the bills, you would have been surprised at the seeming idiocy of buying a small piece of chocolate for that—no matter how rare it was. {The last sentence needs to be condensed. Although it's technically not a run-on, it sure feels like one.} But the man needed the bar. It wasn’t an addiction. . . it {probably} would save his life. {I don't understand why you said “probably.” Does this require the reader to look into further chapters?}
The lady took the money and handed him the chocolate. He ripped open the wrapper and ate the chocolate in a single bite. He poured the little bits of leftover chocolate from the wrapper into his mouth and carelessly dropped the wrapper on the ground.
After he left, the receptionist sighed, stood up and walked over to pick up the wrapper. Whoever’s replacing me should be here by now, she thought.
I like it. I'm going to read more. |
_________________
Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.
Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Cheeky Coconut Smoothy Lo
Junior Writer
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 35
Reviews: 28
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 9:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Going with Whisper again on this (with others to) for fixes.
Perhaps we should get an idea rather then telling the reader:
"And—as if that wasn’t enough—if you could have seen the number on the bills, you would have been surprised at the seeming idiocy of buying a small piece of chocolate for that—no matter how rare it was."
That just seems to be a slap in the face, you say its a lot and yet tease us like some gossiper. It really wasn't needed and could have been shortened by the receptionist either counting it or mentioning the price. After all, who DOESN'T count the money or pays a random sum for anything? |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
BigBadBear
Pokémon! Gotta catch 'em all!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1719
Reviews: 614
Country: USA
887 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, Wozzel! What's up? I've heard you talking about this someplace else, and you always give me crits, so now I'm here to return the favor!
Well, you've intrigued me! I loved it from the very start. At first, I thought that it was going to be dumb because of the title, but even this tiny little chapter, you've got me hooked.
Can't complain about anything really, except this little part:
| Quote: |
| Anything could be hiding in the shadows. He doubted that anyone would be hiding from outside The Center of Chocolate, with its high—yet invisible—security, but he had learned never to trust anyone, especially with his line of work. He was always alert and ready. |
You said that this was just for fun. Uh, nope! Take it out if it's not necessary. It's always hard to understand what is going on if your MC is always so jumpy. So, unless it is necessary, take it out.
Great job! Go milk chocolate!
BBB |
_________________
Read The Novel House here!!
Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
summergrl13
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 17 Feb 2008
Posts: 383
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
295 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I think it's interesting and I'm gonna have to read the other chapters now;). Just reading it makes me think of chocolate so now my mouth is watering and I'm hungry at 6:44 on a Saturday (I always but around 7:30 and today my dogs woke me up). I love chocolate to death! 0(o.o)0 (I love the monkey I use at the end of my replies:). It's a super hottt monkey!). |
_________________
"Well, I'm half Italian, so on warped tour I got this really good tan and I was like, bummer." -Gerard Way
"I'm not a psycho... I just like psychotic things." -Gerard Way |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
